Good Mothers Endurance and Love

It is Mother’s Day and I have already called and wished my mother a happy mother’s day. I also texted three other mothers and wish them the same sentiments. Let’s talk about the endurance that is required of a good mother. When I refer to a good mother, I am distinguishing between the egg donors and the women who put a great deal of effort into raising her children. The good mother is a thankless calling most often than not. They have to put in at least 18 years overtime of nurturing, worrying and their hearts and souls into a person who does not always recognize their effort.

Good mothers make sacrifices of which we are not always aware. Their main focus and priority is their children. They give unconditional love with a hope they will get something in return but deep down they know that it does not always turn out that way. Good mothers do not regret being mothers at all. They get sad when they are disappointment in their children but never regret. They still show an enormous amount of love for the child who did not turn out emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually ‘perfect.’ The good mother gives almost everything but does not ask for much in return except for her child to live a good and happy life (and remember she exists more than two times out of the year).

Children can be ungrateful, bitchy, little and sometimes not so little brats and bastards. Growing up we give our mothers grief, back talk, some amount of disrespect, believe that we know more, believe that we don’t need her and believe that life would be better if she was not around to care meddle about your life.

From the beginning, the task of mothering came with a tall order. She had to do all the diaper changes, keeping you from electrocuting, poisoning yourself and all sorts of danger because of a baby’s fascination with something new. She attended to your feedings and worries if you feel ‘a little hot’ on the forehead. She had to chase after you every time you decided to explore a new territory away from her safety zone. She had to deal with first days of schools, new friends and recent enemies anxieties.

She had to especially restrain herself during the ’I want to slap the shit out of you’ stage called puberty and teenage dramahood. She had to endure attitude changes and watch her child growing up and away. She had to endure a change in the relationship from “mummy mummy I need you” to “I am okay mother, I can do this by myself.” She had to endure you leaving her side to go live your life as an adult. She had to endure not feeling any control and powerless to do things for you when aspects of your life had not gone according to plan. She will continue to endure being a mother in whatever capacity you allow her to be as long as she lives.

Mothers have to endure a great deal of things that we do not understand until either we are in her position as a mother or we are able to reflect on what a pain in the ass we were as children. A good mother is an awesome woman that we often take for granted more than we should but she does not always complain. Thank God for Mother’s Day because it is a reminder that there was a woman who made the choice to do some very wonderful things for us even when  we did not deserve it.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE GOOD MOTHERS

The Wrong People Marry Quicker

(copied image herdaily.com. Britney and Kevin marriage)

Have you ever asked yourself how in the world did (insert name) get married? Or who the hell would marry that person? It is starting to become apparent that many of the people who are married are simply not suitable to be married. We all know people who are deemed a bit shady in their character and we have declared that these people should “never” get married until they sort out their issues. Well, sometime later, you heard that they have entered into nuptial bliss. The next thought is how? who? why? You are left dumbfounded while your good friend or family who has a splendid character is still trying to find his/her mate.

I recently happened upon some news that someone I knew a few years ago is now married. To say that it is a shock is an understatement. I knew that he was desperate, actually very desperate to remarry but I thought he had to get himself together emotionally before any woman would take him seriously or before he could be able to be a good husband.  I had no contact with him for years, it is a large possibility that he may have changed or the woman he found changed him. Even though I do not believe that we should rely on others to shape our character, it seems that for him, it may have worked. There is also the other possibility that he did not change but he found a woman who is in the same emotionally dependent state as he and so they were able to make it work. Still, after knowing the issues of his first marriage, it is still hard to believe that someone actually married him. Is that mean to say?

Years ago in college, an acquaintance of mine met this guy who started exhibiting weird behaviors. She was a nice person who initially had suspicions of him. Well, whatever he said or did convinced her to become interested. Standing on the outside, I could notice a few things about him that she completely ignored and explained away. Years later, I heard they were married with children and he was a pastor. Naturally, when a story turns out that good, one has to reconcile that people do change. Recently, I heard that her pastor husband was fired from his church. The evil side of me starts to think (without knowing the details of the reason for his termination) ‘I was right all those years ago.’  Is that horrible of me?

There is also the case of the world record gentleman in Mexico who in the last few years got married. He was not able to walk down the aisle, actually he is not able to walk at all because his world record was being the fattest man. When the news came that he was getting married, I had to scratch my head and take a long look at him. I again thought who? why? The protest is not about his weight but about the fact that this man had a very clear problem with food, he would not be able to work, does he have any skills, etc. A host of things that disqualifies him from making a good spouse but yet someone said “I will marry this man.”

What am I missing? Is this why the marriage success rate is in the toilet? As much as people will start pointing out that we “should not judge others” bla bla bla, we all know someone or a few people of whom you ask the same question - how is she/he married? Is it that not being very discriminating about someone’s character the answer for a speedy coupling? Mel Gibson will definitely get married again but some honest joe who is an upstanding man can’t catch a break. The mama’s boy will have a stream of women to choose from all while living in his parent’s basement but someone else is not that lucky with potential mates. The world has certainly gone a bit wonky.

So it seems that marriage, these days, is not about quality. It seems to be about whomever you catch in your net and can convince to stay. Are you suppose to be happy for someone whom you know is or have made a mistake in getting married? Are you being fake in trying to feign happiness for that person? Is it unchristian? Years ago I went to an old friend’s wedding and was genuinely happy for the couple. Years later, they separated and it turns out that many people warned her against the marriage due to her husband’s character. Well, she conceded with everyone’s opinions during the separation but soon after they were back together again and it might seem he is up to his usual. Is this a happy moment because they are back together or is it a ‘oh shit, she made the same mistake twice’ moment?

One explanation could come from a post written by a terminally single woman who does not want to be married, entitled Divorce Envy, in which Ms Wells observed that it is more acceptable to be divorced than to be never married. Spinster is not a word you hear very often and when it is used people like Susan Boyle (the once frumpy lady with the amazing voice) comes to mind. It may seem that people are willing to test the marriage waters knowing that it is a little too rough for them because the alternative is just not acceptable. It was a bit funny in Ms Wells post that she was being chastised by a woman who was twice divorced. It appears that failure of never marrying far outweighs the failure of being caught  in a bad relationship. As I said, twisted!

Loving Someone Else’s Child

(http://images.businessweek.com/ss/08/10/1008_sotheby_asian_art/7.htm)

Celebrities are becoming the poster children for adoption and infertility treatments. Both methods are aimed at one thing – becoming a parent. As many women age and are childless, they are faced with some serious decision making. If they are not able to produce on their own then what’s the next step? Can they stomach the idea of being a parent to another woman’s child?

In the case of a reality tv couple who chronicled their lives of trying to get pregnant naturally then  starting fertility treatments, then the woman was diagnosed with cancer  and treated, and ultimately giving up that aspect of the pregnancy fight and moving to surrogacy. Does it all seem a bit too much? I recognize that many people want to have a biological offspring as genetic posterity but what is so wrong with learning to love a child that is not genetically connected to you? The burden of getting pregnant is put on the woman and therefore she will put her body and mind through quite a bit in order to say I was pregnant and produced - is this a part of the female claiming her womanly identity? Is there a difference between loving your genetic offspring versus a child from someone else?

For the women who are not able to produce their own for whatever reason, their decisions to become mothers or mother figures are available. There is the surrogacy route with someone else’s genetic material, there is fostering children, there is adoption, and there is stepmothering. For the women who have chosen the non-genetic route, I applaud them for being able to look beyond the biological and find it in their hearts to learn to love someone else’s child. It is definitely not an easy task for some women, especially the ones who have dreamt about being pregnant and giving birth to their own.

This world has room for all sorts of good mothers who are willing to take the challenge. It could just be my bias regarding the situation but when it comes down to the gist of things, being a mother has nothing to do with biology. It has everything to do with a women’s capability to love. Because someone is genetically attached does not mean an automatic feeling of unconditional love and care towards the child that your birthed. Too many egg donors are doing irreversible damage to their ‘own.’ Women who make statements that they could not love anyone else’s child are the sort of women who should never have the opportunity of motherhood. Their love is only conditional. Back in the day when a village did raise a child, it was the responsibility of all the adults to become surrogate parents to the young ones. Instead, in this day and age, there is a systematic ‘us’ and ‘them’ when it comes to looking out for the innocent.

Mother’s day is coming up and many of us have been fortunate to have been raised by wonderful mothers-biological or adopted. The point is mother’s day celebrates all “good” mothers no matter what route they took to get to that point.

Mating Scene For Christians

A new relationship is always an exciting thing. Each person is discovering the other and everything is brighter and the air smells sweeter and the birds are chirping and so on. The couple is happy.  It is not unusual for the happy couple to want to spend time with each other. Actually that is a splendid idea. There is absolutely nothing wrong with two people in a relationship. The problem is how do many Christians actually move from the single stage to the mating stage?

Relationships for Christians can be a tricky venture. Churches are notoriously lacking in the potential for mates and all the other options are not conducive for a religious pairing. I have no clue what it’s like to try to pick up someone (or be picked up) at a club or bar because those are not and have never been my venues of choice. Internet dating is definitely not my things as I have mentioned in previous posts. So what’s a single Christian to do in order to get back into the dating scene?

One viable answer is to become active in your life. No I don’t mean more active in the safety of your church but outside. You know - out there in the big world. Most of us are so used to a routine of going to work, going to family, friends and church. We have eliminated the rest of the world and the activities that have the potential of opening more mate options. I realize that some Christians will advocate for praying and the Lord will provide. However, there is also the idea that God will not bring a man or woman to your doorsteps (at least for most of us).  The wonderful thing about getting back into the mating scene is that you have the opportunity to discover more about your interests and finding something new. Getting out into the world gives you more to share with a potential mate than being locked away at home.

Most people are also very afraid of doing things by themselves. I guess it is the fear of looking stupid or pathetic. Well looking like a pathetic single or stupid had never killed anyone. Doing things by yourself can seem daunting but it takes practice. If that is just not for you, then joining a small activities group. The internet has information for various groups such as Meetup.com or joining travelling groups or some kind of group that pushes you outside your comfort zone.  Even if you do not meet someone, it’s  still an adventure. For me, one of my adventures over the years was doing a Mexican Riviera cruise with one such activity group. No I did not meet anyone but I do have the pictures to prove that I had fun and definitely discovered new things that I would love to engage in again. The funny thing is that I had never really wanted to visit Mexico or go on a ship but I figured that ’why not.’ I had absolutely no reason to not do it. It was also on that trip where my indoor rock climbing (which I got into from another social group activity) came in very handy in the real world . Good times.

I have noticed that my comfort zone is my worst enemy at times. I have my moments when I do step out and do a lot of new things and there are other times  I stay in and have no interest otherwise.  I don’t think  that being single is the bad luck of the draw but in order to change that status we have to work towards that as a goal – not just a mate finding single-minded goal but living while looking goal.

The Power of Positive Thought: Happiness Loves Company Too

(Image from http://thewheelergroup.wordpress.com/2008/07/29/are-you-a-tigger-or-an-eeyore/)

Winnie the Pooh is a very lovable children’s story that I never found interesting. I do remember snippets of the cartoon and I was always bummed out by Eeyore the clinically depressed donkey. As an adult, it still is hard to watch his mopey character. On the other hand, there is Tigger, the bouncy and positive tiger. Those two characters are complete opposite of each other and they provide a valuable lesson in how we view our lives and this world.

If I wanted to be friends with anyone, it would be with the Tigger type character. Someone who is positive and hopeful but still can learn a valuable lesson at the end of the day. In this world, it is all about the company you keep and the ones who can encourage you to have positive thoughts. Many people underestimate the power of their own thoughts and how uplifting or damaging it can be. In the real world, Eeyore and Tigger would never be friends for too long because they saw and experienced life so differently, the happy person would become tired of the other’s negativity, and the happier person would not want to be sucked into that unhappy world.  According to the Psychology Today article entitled Misery Loves Company, it states that “There was evidence of short-lived emotional contagion: Severely depressed subjects were more likely to have a roommate whose mood declined over a six-week period than were less depressed subjects. But subjects cheered up noticeably when they spent time away from their miserable roommates.” The point is that people around us play a big role in our positive thoughts and happiness. So you have to be careful who you allow in your head.

Persistently unhappy and negative people are not intentionally trying to ‘drag you down’ but their depressed demeanor can have a dampening effect without you recognizing it. Everything in their lives are dark and dim and they are not able to see the positive side of life. This is not to say that each of us do not have those ‘depressed’ moments; however, when this mood has been ongoing for more than 6 months then there is something very wrong and it’s time to seek professional help. Some people have chosen to be stuck in this funk for most of their lives because it is the devil they know and are very used to experiencing. While I do understand the issue of clinical depression that needs more professional intervention, there are many people who choose ‘to be depressing’ and refuse to see the positive light in anything. Note: Depression has become a blanketed layman term for feeling blue; however, there is a difference between true clinical depression and feeling sad.

The power of the mind is astounding. I can recognize when I am in a funk and I can pinpoint the thoughts that help to put me there. I choose whether I want to continue those thoughts or choose whether I want to snap  out of it and change the way I see my life at that time. While I recognize that this is not the easiest thing to do for many, it takes practice and can be done. In my previous career as a therapist, it was mandatory for me to be able to master and filter what things I allowed to stay in my head and their priority. Most therapists hear many ‘bad things’ on a daily basis because that is their job; however, what the therapist do with that information requires a certain amount of control with his/her thinking. It requires deliberate choices in ways to filter out the ‘bad stuff’ in order to make more room for the good stuff. It is not always easy but it has to be done to keep themselves sane and have normal lives.

The average individual who do not see or hear horrors everyday are more likely to be caught in the cycle of negativity.Why is that? In order to deal the horrors,  you have to be able to see good and the positive in life. Once you are not able to do that, then burn out sets in and your mental health and all aspects of  your life are compromised. For the average person, the demise usually starts this way. One bad thing leads to the other ie. my boyfriend broke up with me-therefore I think I am not good enough for him-therefore I think I am not good enough for any man-therefore I think no one will find me attractive-therefore I believe I will always be alone-therefore I will choose not try to find love again.  Suddenly, this person has a low self-esteem and start to make poor choices all because of her thoughts. Now take for instance another scenario. My boyfriend broke up with me-therefore I feel really sad and think I was not good enough for him-I stop for a second and start to think about the good qualities that I have-I realize that when we first met he noticed those good qualities too and that was the reason we got together in the first-I start to think that we both made some mistakes (not just me) and the relationship was not meant to be-I am aware we may not have been compatible and that next time I will try to find someone who has more similar qualities-I choose to stop moping about the house and get back into my life or find new things to do-My mood starts to improve and I begin to regain my confidence in myself. Same situation but two different ways of thinking and two different outcome.

People are not expected to be happy-go-lucky everyday and all day. People are expected to have their sad moments; however, what we think affects what we do. It is so much easier to wallow in self-pity because the world is unfair and it is in a crappy state than to force ourselves to think positively. It is so easy to become discouraged and stay there without trying to fight our way out of the darkness. We whine and we bitch and whine some more but never take steps to make things better. We always want to take the easy way out which is to do nothing and still bitch about it. Negative thoughts are the easy way out because you can not be disappointed. That is a sad way to live all the time.

Jesus had the option to think positive or negative. He chose positive. He had the option of taking easy or the hard way. He chose the hard way. Resilience is a character trait that anyone can develop but it takes work; actually it takes hard work. It takes finding an inner will-power and exercising it. We are allowed to wallow, whine, ruminate, cry, self-deprecate etc because that is human nature. The problem is for those who do this constantly, try listening to yourself for a second or go back and read over your journal and ask if you would be willing to sit and listen to yourself go on like that all the time?  If you answer yes, then I suggest a therapist stat! If you say no, then do something about it. Resistance is actually not futile.  Newsflash! God does not miraculously give you courage and strength; you choose it and He supports it.

Ways to Develop Positive Thoughts

-Meditation/Prayer of thanksgiving (only focus on being thankful even for the simplest things)

-Find a song/poem/movie that puts you in a good mood (Christian or secular)

-Choose a simple positive saying that you only use on desperate occasions (overuse will lose its meaning)

-Identify an undeniably positive attribute about yourself (I have beautiful eyes, I am a great singer, I am a good friend, I am a hard worker)

-Find a simple blessing that you take for granted (My parents care about me-I am in good health-I have a place to live)

-Think of as many alternatives to your problems (most people only think of one which is usually negative or solutions that keep them in the bad situations)

-Learn to throw a positive spin on things (cheer yourself up exercise – even if it’s a ridiculous spin)

-Learn to laugh at the bad things or yourself (laughter releases stress)

-Give yourself advice as if you were giving it to someone else (image that you were helping a really good friend or someone you care about, what advice would you give?)

-Find other happy people (Happiness loves company, it might just rub off even for a little while)

-Take responsibility that you are making choices for your life (Taking back some power – many people give away their power and therefore feel helpless)

-Recognizing that failures and set backs are a part of life just like success (Yin Yang concept)

-Recognizing that the longer you stay in negative land the harder it is to get out (get out of your darkness comfort zone)

-Set small positive goals (Instead of I will not cry 5 times in one day, say I will smile 3 times in one day)

-Do something nice for someone else (this usually gets people out their own head and focus on someone else-be careful that the person is not a negative nelly)

-FEAR is the biggest antagonist to positive thinking. Our biggest fears are usually the things we create in our minds. (like the boogie monster)

Mental health is extremely important. Most people have control over their thoughts which in-turn affects their mood.  It is understandable that when things are bad, it is hard to see the ‘forest for the trees.’ Everything seems dark and dismal but it does not always have to stay that way. One of the most discouraging moments for me was when I would ask my standard question ”Tell me some positive things about yourself” and I would get silence because the clients are thinking or when they say “I have none.” Those responses told me that I had my work cut out for me to be able to guide someone to see at least one good thing in his/herself.  It’s your turn. I am sure there are many other things people do and could suggest that has helped with maintaining positive thoughts. Any other suggestion? What is at least one positive attribute about yours?

Here is a link to a farewell lecture by a professor, Randy Pausch, who had a terminal illness and later died (I don’t know how to embed so follow the link) http://youtu.be/ji5_MqicxSo

Is it Wrong for Women to Wait to Settle Down?

(image copied from: http://www.peoplespharmacy.com/2010/05/26/looking-for-lubricant/)

As the title of this blog indicates, I am single but not just single; I am pushing 36 and single. Wait, not just single; pushing 36 but also have Christian beliefs. Ouch! I think I have put myself in a precarious predicament. This situation will be refered to as the hard sell position. I happened to be reading a blog entitled, At 34, Am I a Hard Sell? and thought wow I think I am one of many women who are in that situation.

For some women, adding the biologically screaming clock to the equation just makes matters worst and maybe downright depressing. The hard sell position implies that as single women over 30, we are not as desirable to the general population of men as before. We have aged out of the category to be able to compete for good mate worthy men.  This hard sell position can be attributed to a change in the cultural standards for dating which have been shifting by a disturbing tide. Apparently, women over 30 are just not as appealing as their younger and nubile 20′s counterparts. Damnations to Hollywood and their brain washing. It is very obvious that super young is in and the big 3-0+ is so far over the hill we are out of sight. I have no intention of bashing my younger sisters but I do have to say that with age comes maturity and stability that many younger women are lacking.  I should know because in my twenties I was lacking the desire to be stable despite being mature.

Older women are being chastised for waiting too long to settle down. It is very much our fault for not wanting to be hogtied by the age of 25 when we had everything going for us.  Boo, I say. This has been an irritatingly pervasive argument from many and some women are kicking themselves for not grabbing the opportunity when they had it. However, the issue that this view-point fails to address is that commitment is something a person has to be ready to embrace. There are enough stories of people marrying and having children when they were not ready for such long-term stability. Being settled just for settling sake is a flawed logic. Thinking back during my college days, I had, at my fingertips, an oasis of single christian bachelor. If I were smart, I should have tried to reel one in before graduation. The problem is I was not ready just like many women were not in their 20′s. I can guarantee that my life after college was not conducive to having a stable relationship and I could not picture myself being hitched to anything.

During their twenties, many women are finding themselves and discovering their strengths and weaknesses. They are forging character and careers. They are learning to be women. The men are usually out sowing their wild oats (christian and secular) and therefore would not have been a suitable choice. Men have the luxury of waiting until they need Viagra before settling and  they never have to face the wrath of bachelor criticism. They, especially the ones who are financially secure, can easily pick up a fresh young one at any time despite them being out of shape, balding and all. On the thorny side of the bush, the spinsters can not even come close unless they are willing to put their bodies through the wringer in order to emulate someone who is their junior.

Is it wrong for women to wait to settle down? No, absolutely not! Many women become better with age - that whole fine wine analogy - and we grow into excellent partners which are huge advantages over the young nubiles. We have so much more to offer in a relationship and as mothers. However, despite all of our wonderful goodness, many women will continue to be single as they inadvertently compete with the younger and more fertile 20 something crowd. Here’s to hoping that the tide will change back to our favour.

Decluttering Your Christian Life

Spring has sprung and it is time for most people to do their cleaning, decluttering, and planning new ways to make their lives simpler for the rest of the year. I was speaking with a Christian friend who has some clutter in her life right now. The clutter which is not in any particular order includes job, career, money, social life and intimate life. So far, her only reliable and dependable constant is God. She is definitely a decent Christian because she usually calls on the strength of God in good times and bad.

She recently informed me that she is fasting to help with some difficult decisions that has been plaguing her recently. Looking back, I was not very supportive because I refuse to fast and do not see the point. I usually experience a major headache when I am hungry, everything starts spinning, and I cannot focus on a loudly growling stomach. It stands to reason that fasting would not allow me to focus on anything but food. She mentioned that other’s have chosen to “fast” from tv, internet or other nonfood items. The purpose of fasting is to remove anything that may be blocking one’s focus on God.  Ummm… It is a very interesting concept of doing a nonfood fast.

I understand where the concept of fasting comes from in the bible-Jesus’ 40 days and 40 nights trek in the wilderness. Obviously, Christians have followed Jesus’ lead in order to become closer with God. My view is the idea of fasting does not seem necessary because it should be automatic that good Christians would always put away time to spend with God and therefore, fasting is not for the good Christians but for the ones who have strayed off the beaten path. So it might seem redundant, in my eyes, for a decent Christian like my friend to fast at all. In my own logic, I should be the one going on a hunger strike for way longer than 40 days and nights :-) .  Again, her point is to clear her mind and focus only on God to guide her.

This all brings up the point of Christians decluttering their lives by putting aside the things that are a hinderance-barrier-stumbling block to seeking God. The old testament talks about idol worshipping, which is understood to be anything or person that is more important than God. In the new testament, Jesus stated in Luke 14:26 something about hating family if anyone wants to be his follower (Chief of the least gives a good explanation of that verse). His point was simple and that was for Christians to put aside the many things that blinds them to having faith.

Most people will read the old testament and remember Abraham who was willing to declutter his life for God by killing sacrificing his son. Most people will read Jesus’ statement to the rich young ruler about selling his riches, and of course the idea of ”forsaking all others” in order to be a good Christ follower. The bible talks about Peter having a mother-in-law but there was no discussion of Mrs Peter dead or alive. Did he declutter his life of his wife? Since the bible did not speak of the other 11 men having any wives or children, then it would not be a stretch to assume (base on the accounts in the NT) that these men also decluttered their lives of monetary and familial responsibilities.

It is safe to say that the modern Christian has no long-term plans to go single and penniless until death.  If most Christian churches except some like Catholicism are not asking such a sacrifice, then what exactly is left to be a huge barrier for the 2012 Christian man and woman? What in your life could Jesus ask of you to leave behind that would cause you great sorrow? It is not easy to truly declutter one’s life in order to get away and focus on God as Jesus did in the wilderness. Most people have bills to pay, children to feed, ailing family to care for, education to attain, a marriage to manage, church offices to fulfil etc. Would most Christians consider these things clutter? Would Christians be willing to fast from these things for an extended period of time? Or when we think clutter, are we talking about the more frivolous things? I could say that between the Catholic priests and the Amish, they definitely show the closest resemblance to what Jesus talked about when he wanted his followers to give up everything and take up their crosses. I think the life-long missionaries exemplify Jesus’ call to bear one’s cross. It is a given that most of  our identified idols are “evil” but what about the other ”good” stuff? So the question is, if we are not giving up the big things, are the little things that are temporarily put aside for a quick fast are really what Jesus meant in regards to removing all obstacles between God and us? Or is it that we do these little things in order to make ourselves feel better about being good Christians? Or is it that because it is 2012, fasting and taking up our crosses mean something completely different?

Men Need to Feel Love Too

What kind of a man are you looking for? The ladies who are old enough to remember the staple answer to that question use to be ’the strong silent type.’ For some reason that was the ideal image of the man for many women and those characteristics were stereotypically portrayed in the movies with leading men like Arnold, Stallone and Van Dame. Those ideals did not leave room for sweet, caring, and sensitive types. Actually, those characteristics were associated with the weak unattractive men.  Fast forward to the last 10 years or so and all the girly magazines are screaming for the man who is in-touch with his feminine side. Talk about a cultural shift!

The most interesting way that the acceptace of this shift in desireable characteristics are portrayed is seen on tv and movies of men crying, becoming Romeoesque, and even adapting the ultimate form of female identity by dressing in drag. Mrs Doubtfire, Tu Wong Fu: Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar, and the Rock’s sexy legs in pink tights for the movie Tooth Fairy are some of the ways men are identifying their softer side. Ironically, in the movie Tooth Fairy, it took this detour from the character’s brutish masculinity (what is more male than playing hockey and knocking people’s teeth out while getting into random fights) to truly became a good boyfriend, potential husband, and surrogate father to the characters in the movie. Hell it even made his character a better man. There may be a large number of women who definitely approve this shift in the male persona.

Maybe it was the women who started to find a voice and yell at the top of their lungs that they wanted men who were more emotionally involved. They wanted men who tried to understand their feelings as well as sharing their own feelings too. How shocking to demand such a thing from the uber masculine males. As exciting as the bad boys are portrayed, women are choosing to settle with the complete opposite of those characteristics. Many women remember those days when ‘real men don’t share their feelings.’ They just avoided it all, turned to alcohol and smoking in order to deal with their problems. Apparently, that did not work too well except to produce alcoholics and absentee husbands and fathers. In recent years, a number of men have caught on to the trend of the dreaded open communication. However, it seems that men are okay with communication until they are hurting very deeply and instead of sharing, they revert back to the strong silent broody type.

In the OWN television program Unfaithful: True Stories of Betrayal, it is evident that being the strong silent type usually leads to something unpleasant and in these cases sexual infidelity. The funny thing is the results of avoidance only compound and supercede the original problem. For example, it could be something as simple as a man is grieving, he then starts to feeling vulnerable, and he naturally questions his identity as a man (everything seems to be tied to their manhood), he withdraws from his wife and family, refuses to talk to his wife even when asked if there is a problem. He repeatedly goes out to some social arena in order to get away from the problems at home, have some alcohol and regains his identity when some hussy, who notices the ring, pays him a bit of attention, and suddenly bam he finds his manhood in another female’s womanhood. So the initial feelings of grief has led to infidelity, which leads to lying, wife finding out (assuming he did not impregnate lover or contracted a STI that was passed on to his wife etc), anger, betrayal, loss of trust, marriage in trouble, separation, tears, regret, and so on and so on. Umm… that’s quite a bit of crap to deal with for simply avoiding.

Women are always blamed for being moody and sensitive but men too are equally cry babies and sensitive. The same way that women have a range of emotions; men have those same emotions as well. The difference is they express themselves in various manners that are not fully recognized by women. Women were taught to ignore and trivialize men’s capacity to feel and be ‘sensitive.’ Women are use to a specific mode of self-expression and are not aware that men do not have to become tearful and start every sentence with ‘I feel.’ Men need the same love, support, understanding and a listening ear just like most women. Women need to shut their traps every now and then and let him say his piece in his own way. Women need to learn to ask questions instead of accusing or demoralizing when they notice that their mates are out of sorts. Women need to learn to show their appreciation every now and then instead of always expecting that it is his job to buy the gifts, create the surprise, give compliments, and do all the romancing. The idea of “do to others as you would have them do to you” is a great philosophy for women on how to treat the men in their lives.

Relationships fall apart out of selfishness and both parties need to share the blame. Men do have feelings and women are taught to take them for granted or completely ignore them. Women are taught to demand affection, demand love, demand passion but never taught to extend that to the men in their lives. People tend to underestimate the value of good communication. A relationship with open and honest communication is a relationship that will weather the test of time and emerge stronger. Ironically, in that OWN series, the marriages that survived many years after the indiscretions were the ones that took advantage of counseling and engaged in honest self-reflection and honest communication with their partners and themselves. It is always refreshing to hear the men, in their own words, admit to their role and what they truly needed from the women in their lives. It has becomes very predictible that the women’s responses to the men are “I did not know.” Those responses are from assumptions that men bounce back quicker and resolve difficult emotions almost immediately so they do not need any extra love or attention. They are perfectly fine and dandy. Think again ladies! They are in great inner turmoil.

Women are not from Venus and men are not from Mars. Such foolishness contributes to the great emotional divide between the sexes. The opposite sex are similar in so many ways it can be quite hilarious. Men and women were taught socially (not genetically engineered) to communicate differently. The more society advocates that men and women are worlds apart the more confused and scared they are about trying to  understand each other. These lessons are in constant contradiction with each other so miscommunication and the break down of relationships are inevitable. The ironically funny and sad part is it is so much easier for total strangers to sleep together than for two people in a committed relationship to share personal thoughts and feelings with each other. How horrible is that?

Open Season on the Uterus

It seems that the 2011-2012 political year should be called Happy Hunting Season for Women. It is pretty bad when even I, oblivious of politics, take notice of all the issues surrounding women. What is it about women’s reproductive system that is so threatening to everyone? I admit that my personal beliefs do not make room for abortion as a contraceptive. I know that some women carelessly use this method to cover their irresponsible behaviors. However, I do believe in abortion only in extenuating life and death medical emergency circumstances. Before anyone starts bitching about playing God with life and death, then think about that the next time someone needs extensive medical intervention to save a life. We all cognitively know that it takes only one time for a MAN to impregnate a woman; however, all the blame is solely place on the woman’s ’slutty’ shoulders. Again why is that?

I get that Catholicism has its own non biblical views on contraception and reproduction but that is not the belief of all Christians. However, some aspects of this idea are gaining notoriety in the current political platforms. For instance, an Arizona female politician has proposed the  House Bill 2625 that allows employers the right to request access to medical treatment records if a woman is using her insurance to pay for her birth control. The employer is able to deny contraceptive medical coverage, which goes against his/her religious views, if the use is only to prevent pregnancy. Hello! the purpose Margaret Sanger intended for the pill was to PREVENT pregnancy to any sexually active married and single women. That means PREVENTATIVE PREGNANCIES for any woman who does not want a child or another child. The misconception is that only single promiscuous women need birth control. WRONG!!!!

These stringent measures that are being proposed and implemented for women will affect the majority of the population such as the poor women who rely on the assistance of the government health care and the middle class women who have private insurance. The rich is never affected. Before people begin to bewail the use of tax payers money for women’s reproduction, it is helpful to know that some of the women who are on government assistance do have jobs which do not pay enough to cover private health care. I use to work with some of these women. I like the fact that part of my income goes towards social programs. Even though it aggravates me to think that some of that money is given to people who misuse the system, it is being wasted, or pocketed by others, but the overall goal to help those in need is worth it. No one ever closes down a soup kitchen or shelter because there will be unscrupulous people who will misuse it. Jesus came and hobnobbed with the poor and the sinners not the bloody rich and self-righteous. He continued to share bread with Judas Iscariot who was amongst the 12 even though he knew he would betray him. The poor is a part of the population that needs assistance and that is the Christian thing to do.

People say all this hoopla will die down once the elections are over. This probably will be true but the issue is once you plant a seed and give it enough nourishment then it will grow whether one intended it or not (eg. Az and Tx). Women’s rights and religion seem to be locked in a never-ending battle. The problem is that this battle is constantly being instigated by religious conservative MEN. The gender who once believed that women had penis envy, that women did not feel pleasure during sex, and our purpose  is for pleasure, procreation, cooking, cleaning and obeying without questions. Did I fail to mention that of course all this in the Bible!!! [sarcasm]

Why am I so riled up about this assault on a woman’s uterus? Let’s see, even though this does not affect me, I am still a woman. It is because buying condoms (which are for men) are easy, nonprescription and cheap. Buying birth control (which are for women) is not easy, prescription, and are not always cheap. Both methods are for prevention but only one is a source of contention. It is because getting the snip snip is easier and less expensive for men and it is the opposite for women. It is because I have worked with the poor and mentally ill population. I have seen an adult with the mind of a 10-year-old get pregnant with her “boyfriend” after she did not take her birth control. I have seen a heroin addict mother give birth and lose custody to her 4th or 5th child. I have seen a woman with the mind of probably a 6-year-old, usually smell like pee (because she peed on herself all the time), wanders the street with a very serious mental illness who had missed her contraceptive injection and was on her usual sexual promiscuity with men who took advantage and the staff’s major hope is that she is not pregnant. It is because not everyone who wants to go the route of the Duggar’s  or take your chances during sex, by monitoring the menstrual cycle and the withdrawal method, because women cannot afford birth control.

If all this is to curb out-of-marriage sex ie. fornication and adultery, then it is a bad way to address the problem. It still takes two people to have sex unless there is another way that is not clear to me; however, the woman gets the brunt of the consequences. It is reminiscent of Mary who was about to be stoned for her fornication and devilishly there was absolutely no male accused. It was St Augustine who reportedly stated to God “Give me chastity and continence but not yet.” This can be applied to the politicians and other rich conservatives who are on the uterus warpath because they and their wives are past the childbearing age and are wealthy. If they were all young men in their teens and twenties who were still in the prime of their ‘whoring’ ways, then we would not be having these ridiculous bill proposals and arguments. One can bet that the women to whom they are currently married were not their first sexual encounter and God help the women if they had said… “sweetie we are going to have a baby [out-of-wedlock].”

If this is about religious institutions objecting to funding abortions, then there should be alternatives implemented to deny such an expense just the same way coverage is denied for other medical procedures. Where are the public service announcements for the men to keep it in their pants? or the announcement that says if you get a woman pregnant (married or single women), to suck it up and take care of your offspring no matter the cost. Maybe this would help, for every woman who request an abortion she has to give up the name of the father and his bank account will be lien to pay for the procedure or face other consequences like all the other deadbeat sperm donors.

There are plenty of countries whose political and religious laws have jurisdiction over women and their bodies. Ironically, America has been at war with quite a few of them and condemn their oppressive practice. However, the religious conservatives now believe that a specific religious belief gives the right to ever so slowly start restricting their female citizens.The tunnel vision people will yell that if a woman (married or single) cannot afford birth control out-of-pocket, then she should not be having sex. The response is then make sure those men who are having sex with these women always use condoms (which are cheap and easy to attain), pick up the habit of abstinence, if you want sex, then you pay for the monthly birth control out-of-pocket, or I heard long showers are 100% safe. Many might think that this is nothing to get excited about but change (for the good or bad) always starts small, then spreads massively and before you know it then it is not just about one very silly thing anymore.

I welcome thoughts whether pro or con about this issue.

Ripped from the Headlines… World in Chaos

The world today is definitely going to the dogs for sure. If this is not the “signs of the end,” then we are in major trouble for the world events to come. Everything is in complete chaos. Let’s see: American goes berserk and kills innocent women and children, the European countries are in a state of economic crisis, another religious fundamentalist blows up himself in a public place to make a religious tyrannical statement, father blows up himself and small children, another tyrant using children as his own private mercenary while the young girls and women are sex slaves, the rich and the famous and infamous are plagued by substance addiction, grandmother died in a house fire with a number of her grandchildren, tsunamis, earthquakes and tornadoes etc. etc. etc.

Sheesh. It is obvious that left on our own, we humans become unbelievably destructive. In the old testament, the world flood was brought about because God had had enough of the craziness. The new testament states that as it was in the days of Noah so shall it be again. It really makes me wonder if we have reached or surpassed the days of Noah. How bad could those people have been to trigger God’s anger and therefore a human cleansing? Is this world close to the second coming (and one can only pray that this will be the last cleansing)?

People are preparing for something very catastrophic to happen. The racists are expecting a race war, the religious extremists are expecting a holy war, the Christians are expecting the second coming, the Jews are expecting the first coming, and individuals and families are preparing for some big show down (check out the show Doomsday Preppers). So, it is probably accurate to say that the “devil is roaming about…” and stirring up a lot of hatred and evil to the point that no one is safe anywhere. In comes the true purpose of the New Testament to prepare for  everyone for the beyond and not becoming caught up in the chaos going on now.

It is easier said than done. Unless one lives in a remote area of the world or in an Amish community, then it is really hard to not be anxious about the state of the world. It is hard to shut out all things media with this information age of cell phones, computers, televisions, radio (I think people still listen to the radio) etc. It is very fitting why the new testament said to flee to the mountains or in today’s translation ‘get the hell out of dodge.’ Is it even possible to live out a quiet peaceful life anymore? Are we delusional to think that the chaos we hear and read (do they still make newspapers?) about will not invade our hide away? Evil knows no bounds and that is very obvious.

I do have to say that I long for some mindless feel good source of entertainment that is not always filled with sex, violence, deceit, and all the ills of the world. Maybe this would be a good time to pick up some Gregorian chant CDs (are those still around?), get comfortable with a good yoga pose and start practicing meditation. It is very hard to disassociate from the world, unless you are Amish or others of that ilk, but the bible did say that we should not let our hearts ‘fail us’ because of all the stuff that is happening. So if we cannot find a cave to hide ourselves, then it is time to learn to filter it all out. It can be bloody hard to believe that God is still in charge but the bible did say “to be still and know that I am God.”