The Gym-My Offending Eyes

There is something quite dangerous about being single in these sexually charged times. Back in the Puritanical and horribly uptight days, people dressed and behaved modestly. There were hardly any exposed body parts that could incite anyone’s imagination. There were no such things as ‘eye candy.’

In those days, such modesty and innocence were truly a blessing. The bible talks about plucking out an eye that could lead a person to evil. I is reasonable to infer that the verse was making reference to lusting, envy etc. I do have to say that if the bible was literal about removing the offending body part, then I would be blind many times over .

The place that does create such a dilemma   is none other than the gym. It is a smorgasbord of hard bodies, good-looking men trying to make themselves look even better. Unfortunately, my offending eyes can’t seem to stop staring . It never occurred to me how much we all let it hang out at the gym-as little clothing as possible and everyone is showing off their best bodies. There is something about seeing good looking men work so hard (because the average man tend to do much less at home). I became aware (in my single-minded universe) that I was NOT the only woman who made note (but not ogling) of these men performing incredible feats, on contraptions like the pull up bar, quite alluring.

The funny thing about all that lust floating around in the gym is that each person-married, single or dating has equal opportunity eye candy time. Yes, it’s all about the eye candy. In the real world, most of us would not be given a 2nd glance but in the gym all is fair in people watching.  This is the one place in which no one cares about the marital status of the visually appealing specimens. I can not speak on the behalf of the men in this situation-because I barely take note of the women in the gym but I would think that they too may have issues with their eyes.

So, with this seemingly harmless place providing a table full of lustful delicacies, should Christians avoid gyms? Can we take it one step further and ban all Christians from men swim meet, body building competitions and anything that harbours a group of good-looking, well-build bodies dressed in outfits that leaves everything to the imagination? Is the ballet just downright pornographic????

If Your Mate Offends You, Then

 copied image

The Christians who are familiar with their bible should see the direction in which I am heading with this post titled ”If your mate offends you, then.” This is a variation on the theme of Matt. 18: 8-9 in which Jesus made statements that if something offends you then  cut it (him/her) loose. Harder said than done isn’t it?

I was having a discussion with a male coworker who made the statement that he does not understand why bad men always get together with good women and treat them badly. I promptly responded that men are allowed to behave badly because the women practice the 70 x 7 forgiveness concept. This is when a woman of good character continues to forgive and accept a mate with bad behaviors. The results of this 70 x 7 forgiveness concept are the bad behaviors continue and the offending partner never learns consequences due to ”sparing the rod and spoiling the child.”

Disclaimer: This is not a male bashing post. The bad behaviors are practiced by both men and women; however, men seem to be the offending partner most of the time while the women are more accepting of bad behaviors.

The male coworker was also speaking from experience. He too had been one of those men and it took years before he finally realized the error of his ways. Even though he had been married for over 20 something years to his now deceased wife, he had given her hell for most of those years. A lesson to be learned is that a large number of marriages are never always pretty from the inside!

Men/women who behave badly did not just wake up one day and became relationship terrorists. They displayed these behaviors right after the first few ‘get to know you’ dates were over. So, if a woman sees these things early in the relationship, then why does she continue to choose the bumpy, crying, upset, angry road? Is being single such a death sentence? Is it better to be coupled with trouble than to be single?

Being in a bad relationship is like playing the slots machine (do they still call them slots?). The person with character can rely on intermittent winnings and she continues to hold on to hope that every play will win her the jackpot for life. However, the issue with gambling is, the players will always lose more over time in comparison to what they have ‘won.’

Women are so accepting of the ‘hanging in there’ idea to the point in which their spirits are damaged in the process. For some, it is damaged beyond repair and for others it takes lots of mending. So why not cut loose the offending party? Why torture yourself with someone whom you know perpetually and intentionally offends you? Well, like the parable of the offending hand and eye, the offenders serve a purpose. The offending party serves as a self-esteem booster because you are not single like those other pathetic people; the offending party provides a sense of comfort in which occasionally the person can be reliable; the offending party gives the sense that you are not completely alone in life; and the offending party is the evil that you know.

The good character women/men are NOT  victims. They are willing participants in this heartbreaking cycle. They still have enough strength to be able to handle the crap that is thrown at them. Their spirits are not defeated as yet.  I told my coworker that these ‘bad guys’ have life quite easy. They know that there are always women out there  willing to put up with their foolishness. This means the bad guy does not care that he leaves a trail of broken spirits behind because there is always one more waiting.

As women, we allow bad behaviors from men. We allow ourselves to be abused physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally because of a lack of self-confidence and unstable self-esteem. As Christian women, God gives us something else to rely on in order to draw confidence and self-worth; however, the pressure of being married to or in a relationship with someone (good or bad) outweighs the big picture.

New Year No Resolutions

For this new year’s eve, a dear friend and I went out to enjoy the festivities. Our last-minute venue of choice turned out to be with a group of people who were much much older than us and the band that was playing could use some good singers. Nevertheless, it was a night to remember, not because of the heavy drinking and partying (which there was none) but just the experience. Who can beat a good laugh.

As is customary, people make new years resolution. As is customary for me, I refuse to make any resolutions. Usually, my journal starts with Happy New Year (insert year) may this year be filled with Blessings or some such sentiments. It is not that I do not believe in resolutions but for some reason this year I decided to take things as it comes. I have found that any minor/major wish at the beginning of the year never quite come to fruition or it looks grossly distorted by Dec 31. I just might be cursed or something.

This year did not start with a hopeful bang but as I thank God for each day, I have decided to be more open and flexible (I think I might have said that last year too). I guess when you get older life seems to repeat itself and not always the good things. Last year, I moved across country, dumped a career that was emotionally draining, was unemployed way longer than expected, turn down a somewhat idealish job for one that has turned out to be wayyy below expectations in every sense of the word BUT I am still thankful to be employed, alive, and had only one loss in the family.

Again, nothing turned out the way I expected it to be… Nada. So with that kind of track record, I have decided to let God do His best or worst. People keep writing, quoting and shouting that God is in charge and He knows what’s best etc etc etc. So instead of making any concrete plans for the near or far future, I have decided that I will let go and see what happens this year. By nature, I am a planner, organizer and like things to go in a certain order. I figure that all my planning has not paid off in the ways I expected so giving up the reigns may show some improvement.

 

 

I do have to be honest that I don’t fully trust that God will do any better to make this year rosier. I believe that he has the power to make all things bright and beautiful (taken from a song) but that is not always the case (Connecticut massacre right before Christmas). Yes! yes! I know the die-hard Christians will say I don’t have enough faith even as big as a mustard seed (bible reference) so what do I expect. Well that’s the thing, I have no expectation for the worst or the better. I am in the frame of mind that ‘que sera sera’ what ever he wants it to be will be-good, bad, pretty or ugly.

This is the year of one day at a time with minimal expectation. Who knows- by the end of the year (God’s will I am still alive and well) I will be back in church full time or further down the path of separation and therefore destruction.

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND MAY THIS YEAR BE FILLED WITH MANY BLESSINGS AND BETTER THAN THE LAST

 

Single + Single ≠ A Match

I was dragged to church today but not kicking and screaming; however, I was grumbling a bit . Despite the rocky start, I can admit that the service was good and the singing was fabulous. The pastor talked about releasing the sinful behaviors that create chains which anchor us to the devil. I am introspective so I know my sinful behaviors, the things that I go back to, and the things that I am a bit reluctant to let go off (and let God, so to speak). However, since this is a being christian and single navigation blog, I will get to the part that is singles related.

There were two incidents in church that just rubbed me the wrong way as a single and somewhat-Christian woman. The first was a young woman giving a thank-God-life-has-been-good-and-God-gave-me-everything-I-wanted-testimony. I have to say I do like those God did good things for me messages. Her testimony included being married and pregnant in the same year. Great for her!! (and I mean it sincerely). However, in the next breath (here is the thing that irritated me) she went on to say, in hopes of being encouraging, that God should be our all. He is all we need for a partner, for love, comfort etc. In essence, God should be the ‘it’ of our lives and those who did not get what they wanted should be okay with just God.

While I understand the importance of God in a Christian’s life, I do take offence to those people who first pointed out that they wanted more than just God and got it; however, for the rest of us poor single nonpregnant people, we should be satisfied with only God. The hypocrisy is so glaring that it makes you want to scream “you would not be saying that if you didn’t get_____.” It is almost like a poor you sucker message. God gave me my mate and a family but since you are not as fortunate then God is all you need. I don’t know if people are that insensitive because they are self-absorbed or they are trying, but failing badly, to give hope to others. Either way, just stick to your praise and testimony and shut the hell up if you don’t know what to say to those who were not so abundantly blessed.

The second issue that came up in church was the pastor assumption that because two people are single then they will naturally make a good match. If becoming coupled was as easy as 1-2-3, then we would all be in long and happy marriages. The pastor’s mistake is a common one that many people (especially those that are coupled) tend to perpetuate. There is this prevailing assumption that 1 + 1 will =2. Obviously, there is more to making a good connection with someone than their marital status-this is something many single people are very aware of from their relationship misadventures.

A single status is only one criteria when a Christian single is searching for a mate. Being single, as a friend points out, does NOT mean available. It is always sarcastically amusing when someone you know tells you that she knows this person who is single and you two should get together. The next question is ‘tell me about him/her’. The reply usually goes along these lines: s/he is a nice person but I don’t know that much about person X except that s/he is single. This is the what the ****** moment. So what your misguided friend or family is saying is that I am desperate to be with anyone because I am single! I am not implying that these random get togethers could not work out (probably the same percentage as internet dating) but the idea that just because we are two single people then we are bound to hitting-it-off. Really!!!! I say again really!!!!!

The older Christian single status is a very tricky place to navigate. If church people are not being condescending, then they are trying to get you coupled. It is hard to tell church members to piss-off but instead you graciously grin and bear these subtle insults which are wrapped in well-meaning intentions (or not).  The best defense is to try and find the humor in silly situations like these. I recognize these faux pas  frequency could cause a Christian single to momentarily forget her lady-like manners and say something very unchristian  . I do believe that most singles can express themselves quite clearly and if we need your opinions or blind interventions, we can speak up about that too.

Minimum Is Not Always Good Enough

A number of things have changed in the space of a month. Job change, career change, some financial reprieve and my decision to go active husband hunting. Of all those things I listed, the husband hunting is the hardest and most cringe worthy. Looking at those words “husband hunting” makes me uneasy.

It’s not just about the words but the image that comes to mind – like a cougar (no pun intended) on the prowl for fresh available meat. It’s not just any meat but prime grade A quality meat. None of that sounds very lady like or Christiany! However, the reason for the pursuit of more than the minimum single status quo is due to one thing – the philosophy that if I want something, then I need to take an active role in trying to acquire it.

For the longest time, religion dictates that we should be content in whatever situation we are in. However, I have decided to challenge that concept. That idea of being a minimalist is such a weak philosophy for living. If I live in the gutters of India, should I be content and praise God for – being alive? Should I always end my prayer with ‘This is what God wants for my life?’ Or can I work my way out of that miserable state and thank God for every progress?

I happened to have formed a budding work friendship with a single (non Christian) 40 something waiting for her man to propose. She was so forthright about her desires to be coupled and that she would actively pursuit two other eligible guys if her man continues to be a minimalist (all the milk without buying the cow). While her and I are very different in characteristics, I did grab on piece of important tidbit – sitting on your ass and praying alone will not make the world work in your favour.

I can hear the conservative christians vehemently explaining how ‘God works in mysterious ways’ and ‘wait on the Lord’ etc. These verses easily slipping from their mouths’ but as I stated in my analogy about the gutters of India, I have decided to take the action point of view with my social life. PS- It’s quite fun to take an active role  A dear friend of mine is leaving behind the minimum thought too-she has a financial goal she wants to achieve and let’s just say it’s a lot more than pennies. She is actively going after that goal while still keeping her connection to God. It’s shocking how you can do both.

Contentment is certainly not overrated. However, contentment and having the barest minimum do NOT go hand in hand. Contentment and suffering are NOT synonymous. The idea that Christianity has become this perpetual suffering religion is ludicrous. Many of the Old Testament stalwarts were quite wealthy and God blessed them even more because such blessings were not evil – being happy in one’s life does not equal sin.

I can truly say that this time in my life I am doing the minimum dance which is very far from contentment. So whether it is husband hunting or career finding or financial stability or even something else that God has blessed for those bible characters, doing the minimum does not seem to pull me closer to God. I guess I am refusing to be this waiting suffering Christianish person.

The Wrong People Marry Quicker

(copied image herdaily.com. Britney and Kevin marriage)

Have you ever asked yourself how in the world did (insert name) get married? Or who the hell would marry that person? It is starting to become apparent that many of the people who are married are simply not suitable to be married. We all know people who are deemed a bit shady in their character and we have declared that these people should “never” get married until they sort out their issues. Well, sometime later, you heard that they have entered into nuptial bliss. The next thought is how? who? why? You are left dumbfounded while your good friend or family who has a splendid character is still trying to find his/her mate.

I recently happened upon some news that someone I knew a few years ago is now married. To say that it is a shock is an understatement. I knew that he was desperate, actually very desperate to remarry but I thought he had to get himself together emotionally before any woman would take him seriously or before he could be able to be a good husband.  I had no contact with him for years, it is a large possibility that he may have changed or the woman he found changed him. Even though I do not believe that we should rely on others to shape our character, it seems that for him, it may have worked. There is also the other possibility that he did not change but he found a woman who is in the same emotionally dependent state as he and so they were able to make it work. Still, after knowing the issues of his first marriage, it is still hard to believe that someone actually married him. Is that mean to say?

Years ago in college, an acquaintance of mine met this guy who started exhibiting weird behaviors. She was a nice person who initially had suspicions of him. Well, whatever he said or did convinced her to become interested. Standing on the outside, I could notice a few things about him that she completely ignored and explained away. Years later, I heard they were married with children and he was a pastor. Naturally, when a story turns out that good, one has to reconcile that people do change. Recently, I heard that her pastor husband was fired from his church. The evil side of me starts to think (without knowing the details of the reason for his termination) ‘I was right all those years ago.’  Is that horrible of me?

There is also the case of the world record gentleman in Mexico who in the last few years got married. He was not able to walk down the aisle, actually he is not able to walk at all because his world record was being the fattest man. When the news came that he was getting married, I had to scratch my head and take a long look at him. I again thought who? why? The protest is not about his weight but about the fact that this man had a very clear problem with food, he would not be able to work, does he have any skills, etc. A host of things that disqualifies him from making a good spouse but yet someone said “I will marry this man.”

What am I missing? Is this why the marriage success rate is in the toilet? As much as people will start pointing out that we “should not judge others” bla bla bla, we all know someone or a few people of whom you ask the same question - how is she/he married? Is it that not being very discriminating about someone’s character the answer for a speedy coupling? Mel Gibson will definitely get married again but some honest joe who is an upstanding man can’t catch a break. The mama’s boy will have a stream of women to choose from all while living in his parent’s basement but someone else is not that lucky with potential mates. The world has certainly gone a bit wonky.

So it seems that marriage, these days, is not about quality. It seems to be about whomever you catch in your net and can convince to stay. Are you suppose to be happy for someone whom you know is or have made a mistake in getting married? Are you being fake in trying to feign happiness for that person? Is it unchristian? Years ago I went to an old friend’s wedding and was genuinely happy for the couple. Years later, they separated and it turns out that many people warned her against the marriage due to her husband’s character. Well, she conceded with everyone’s opinions during the separation but soon after they were back together again and it might seem he is up to his usual. Is this a happy moment because they are back together or is it a ‘oh shit, she made the same mistake twice’ moment?

One explanation could come from a post written by a terminally single woman who does not want to be married, entitled Divorce Envy, in which Ms Wells observed that it is more acceptable to be divorced than to be never married. Spinster is not a word you hear very often and when it is used people like Susan Boyle (the once frumpy lady with the amazing voice) comes to mind. It may seem that people are willing to test the marriage waters knowing that it is a little too rough for them because the alternative is just not acceptable. It was a bit funny in Ms Wells post that she was being chastised by a woman who was twice divorced. It appears that failure of never marrying far outweighs the failure of being caught  in a bad relationship. As I said, twisted!

Loving Someone Else’s Child

(http://images.businessweek.com/ss/08/10/1008_sotheby_asian_art/7.htm)

Celebrities are becoming the poster children for adoption and infertility treatments. Both methods are aimed at one thing – becoming a parent. As many women age and are childless, they are faced with some serious decision making. If they are not able to produce on their own then what’s the next step? Can they stomach the idea of being a parent to another woman’s child?

In the case of a reality tv couple who chronicled their lives of trying to get pregnant naturally then  starting fertility treatments, then the woman was diagnosed with cancer  and treated, and ultimately giving up that aspect of the pregnancy fight and moving to surrogacy. Does it all seem a bit too much? I recognize that many people want to have a biological offspring as genetic posterity but what is so wrong with learning to love a child that is not genetically connected to you? The burden of getting pregnant is put on the woman and therefore she will put her body and mind through quite a bit in order to say I was pregnant and produced - is this a part of the female claiming her womanly identity? Is there a difference between loving your genetic offspring versus a child from someone else?

For the women who are not able to produce their own for whatever reason, their decisions to become mothers or mother figures are available. There is the surrogacy route with someone else’s genetic material, there is fostering children, there is adoption, and there is stepmothering. For the women who have chosen the non-genetic route, I applaud them for being able to look beyond the biological and find it in their hearts to learn to love someone else’s child. It is definitely not an easy task for some women, especially the ones who have dreamt about being pregnant and giving birth to their own.

This world has room for all sorts of good mothers who are willing to take the challenge. It could just be my bias regarding the situation but when it comes down to the gist of things, being a mother has nothing to do with biology. It has everything to do with a women’s capability to love. Because someone is genetically attached does not mean an automatic feeling of unconditional love and care towards the child that your birthed. Too many egg donors are doing irreversible damage to their ‘own.’ Women who make statements that they could not love anyone else’s child are the sort of women who should never have the opportunity of motherhood. Their love is only conditional. Back in the day when a village did raise a child, it was the responsibility of all the adults to become surrogate parents to the young ones. Instead, in this day and age, there is a systematic ‘us’ and ‘them’ when it comes to looking out for the innocent.

Mother’s day is coming up and many of us have been fortunate to have been raised by wonderful mothers-biological or adopted. The point is mother’s day celebrates all “good” mothers no matter what route they took to get to that point.

Mating Scene For Christians

A new relationship is always an exciting thing. Each person is discovering the other and everything is brighter and the air smells sweeter and the birds are chirping and so on. The couple is happy.  It is not unusual for the happy couple to want to spend time with each other. Actually that is a splendid idea. There is absolutely nothing wrong with two people in a relationship. The problem is how do many Christians actually move from the single stage to the mating stage?

Relationships for Christians can be a tricky venture. Churches are notoriously lacking in the potential for mates and all the other options are not conducive for a religious pairing. I have no clue what it’s like to try to pick up someone (or be picked up) at a club or bar because those are not and have never been my venues of choice. Internet dating is definitely not my things as I have mentioned in previous posts. So what’s a single Christian to do in order to get back into the dating scene?

One viable answer is to become active in your life. No I don’t mean more active in the safety of your church but outside. You know - out there in the big world. Most of us are so used to a routine of going to work, going to family, friends and church. We have eliminated the rest of the world and the activities that have the potential of opening more mate options. I realize that some Christians will advocate for praying and the Lord will provide. However, there is also the idea that God will not bring a man or woman to your doorsteps (at least for most of us).  The wonderful thing about getting back into the mating scene is that you have the opportunity to discover more about your interests and finding something new. Getting out into the world gives you more to share with a potential mate than being locked away at home.

Most people are also very afraid of doing things by themselves. I guess it is the fear of looking stupid or pathetic. Well looking like a pathetic single or stupid had never killed anyone. Doing things by yourself can seem daunting but it takes practice. If that is just not for you, then joining a small activities group. The internet has information for various groups such as Meetup.com or joining travelling groups or some kind of group that pushes you outside your comfort zone.  Even if you do not meet someone, it’s  still an adventure. For me, one of my adventures over the years was doing a Mexican Riviera cruise with one such activity group. No I did not meet anyone but I do have the pictures to prove that I had fun and definitely discovered new things that I would love to engage in again. The funny thing is that I had never really wanted to visit Mexico or go on a ship but I figured that ’why not.’ I had absolutely no reason to not do it. It was also on that trip where my indoor rock climbing (which I got into from another social group activity) came in very handy in the real world . Good times.

I have noticed that my comfort zone is my worst enemy at times. I have my moments when I do step out and do a lot of new things and there are other times  I stay in and have no interest otherwise.  I don’t think  that being single is the bad luck of the draw but in order to change that status we have to work towards that as a goal – not just a mate finding single-minded goal but living while looking goal.

The Power of Positive Thought: Happiness Loves Company Too

(Image from http://thewheelergroup.wordpress.com/2008/07/29/are-you-a-tigger-or-an-eeyore/)

Winnie the Pooh is a very lovable children’s story that I never found interesting. I do remember snippets of the cartoon and I was always bummed out by Eeyore the clinically depressed donkey. As an adult, it still is hard to watch his mopey character. On the other hand, there is Tigger, the bouncy and positive tiger. Those two characters are complete opposite of each other and they provide a valuable lesson in how we view our lives and this world.

If I wanted to be friends with anyone, it would be with the Tigger type character. Someone who is positive and hopeful but still can learn a valuable lesson at the end of the day. In this world, it is all about the company you keep and the ones who can encourage you to have positive thoughts. Many people underestimate the power of their own thoughts and how uplifting or damaging it can be. In the real world, Eeyore and Tigger would never be friends for too long because they saw and experienced life so differently, the happy person would become tired of the other’s negativity, and the happier person would not want to be sucked into that unhappy world.  According to the Psychology Today article entitled Misery Loves Company, it states that “There was evidence of short-lived emotional contagion: Severely depressed subjects were more likely to have a roommate whose mood declined over a six-week period than were less depressed subjects. But subjects cheered up noticeably when they spent time away from their miserable roommates.” The point is that people around us play a big role in our positive thoughts and happiness. So you have to be careful who you allow in your head.

Persistently unhappy and negative people are not intentionally trying to ‘drag you down’ but their depressed demeanor can have a dampening effect without you recognizing it. Everything in their lives are dark and dim and they are not able to see the positive side of life. This is not to say that each of us do not have those ‘depressed’ moments; however, when this mood has been ongoing for more than 6 months then there is something very wrong and it’s time to seek professional help. Some people have chosen to be stuck in this funk for most of their lives because it is the devil they know and are very used to experiencing. While I do understand the issue of clinical depression that needs more professional intervention, there are many people who choose ‘to be depressing’ and refuse to see the positive light in anything. Note: Depression has become a blanketed layman term for feeling blue; however, there is a difference between true clinical depression and feeling sad.

The power of the mind is astounding. I can recognize when I am in a funk and I can pinpoint the thoughts that help to put me there. I choose whether I want to continue those thoughts or choose whether I want to snap  out of it and change the way I see my life at that time. While I recognize that this is not the easiest thing to do for many, it takes practice and can be done. In my previous career as a therapist, it was mandatory for me to be able to master and filter what things I allowed to stay in my head and their priority. Most therapists hear many ‘bad things’ on a daily basis because that is their job; however, what the therapist do with that information requires a certain amount of control with his/her thinking. It requires deliberate choices in ways to filter out the ‘bad stuff’ in order to make more room for the good stuff. It is not always easy but it has to be done to keep themselves sane and have normal lives.

The average individual who do not see or hear horrors everyday are more likely to be caught in the cycle of negativity.Why is that? In order to deal the horrors,  you have to be able to see good and the positive in life. Once you are not able to do that, then burn out sets in and your mental health and all aspects of  your life are compromised. For the average person, the demise usually starts this way. One bad thing leads to the other ie. my boyfriend broke up with me-therefore I think I am not good enough for him-therefore I think I am not good enough for any man-therefore I think no one will find me attractive-therefore I believe I will always be alone-therefore I will choose not try to find love again.  Suddenly, this person has a low self-esteem and start to make poor choices all because of her thoughts. Now take for instance another scenario. My boyfriend broke up with me-therefore I feel really sad and think I was not good enough for him-I stop for a second and start to think about the good qualities that I have-I realize that when we first met he noticed those good qualities too and that was the reason we got together in the first-I start to think that we both made some mistakes (not just me) and the relationship was not meant to be-I am aware we may not have been compatible and that next time I will try to find someone who has more similar qualities-I choose to stop moping about the house and get back into my life or find new things to do-My mood starts to improve and I begin to regain my confidence in myself. Same situation but two different ways of thinking and two different outcome.

People are not expected to be happy-go-lucky everyday and all day. People are expected to have their sad moments; however, what we think affects what we do. It is so much easier to wallow in self-pity because the world is unfair and it is in a crappy state than to force ourselves to think positively. It is so easy to become discouraged and stay there without trying to fight our way out of the darkness. We whine and we bitch and whine some more but never take steps to make things better. We always want to take the easy way out which is to do nothing and still bitch about it. Negative thoughts are the easy way out because you can not be disappointed. That is a sad way to live all the time.

Jesus had the option to think positive or negative. He chose positive. He had the option of taking easy or the hard way. He chose the hard way. Resilience is a character trait that anyone can develop but it takes work; actually it takes hard work. It takes finding an inner will-power and exercising it. We are allowed to wallow, whine, ruminate, cry, self-deprecate etc because that is human nature. The problem is for those who do this constantly, try listening to yourself for a second or go back and read over your journal and ask if you would be willing to sit and listen to yourself go on like that all the time?  If you answer yes, then I suggest a therapist stat! If you say no, then do something about it. Resistance is actually not futile.  Newsflash! God does not miraculously give you courage and strength; you choose it and He supports it.

Ways to Develop Positive Thoughts

-Meditation/Prayer of thanksgiving (only focus on being thankful even for the simplest things)

-Find a song/poem/movie that puts you in a good mood (Christian or secular)

-Choose a simple positive saying that you only use on desperate occasions (overuse will lose its meaning)

-Identify an undeniably positive attribute about yourself (I have beautiful eyes, I am a great singer, I am a good friend, I am a hard worker)

-Find a simple blessing that you take for granted (My parents care about me-I am in good health-I have a place to live)

-Think of as many alternatives to your problems (most people only think of one which is usually negative or solutions that keep them in the bad situations)

-Learn to throw a positive spin on things (cheer yourself up exercise – even if it’s a ridiculous spin)

-Learn to laugh at the bad things or yourself (laughter releases stress)

-Give yourself advice as if you were giving it to someone else (image that you were helping a really good friend or someone you care about, what advice would you give?)

-Find other happy people (Happiness loves company, it might just rub off even for a little while)

-Take responsibility that you are making choices for your life (Taking back some power – many people give away their power and therefore feel helpless)

-Recognizing that failures and set backs are a part of life just like success (Yin Yang concept)

-Recognizing that the longer you stay in negative land the harder it is to get out (get out of your darkness comfort zone)

-Set small positive goals (Instead of I will not cry 5 times in one day, say I will smile 3 times in one day)

-Do something nice for someone else (this usually gets people out their own head and focus on someone else-be careful that the person is not a negative nelly)

-FEAR is the biggest antagonist to positive thinking. Our biggest fears are usually the things we create in our minds. (like the boogie monster)

Mental health is extremely important. Most people have control over their thoughts which in-turn affects their mood.  It is understandable that when things are bad, it is hard to see the ‘forest for the trees.’ Everything seems dark and dismal but it does not always have to stay that way. One of the most discouraging moments for me was when I would ask my standard question ”Tell me some positive things about yourself” and I would get silence because the clients are thinking or when they say “I have none.” Those responses told me that I had my work cut out for me to be able to guide someone to see at least one good thing in his/herself.  It’s your turn. I am sure there are many other things people do and could suggest that has helped with maintaining positive thoughts. Any other suggestion? What is at least one positive attribute about yours?

Here is a link to a farewell lecture by a professor, Randy Pausch, who had a terminal illness and later died (I don’t know how to embed so follow the link) http://youtu.be/ji5_MqicxSo

Is it Wrong for Women to Wait to Settle Down?

(image copied from: http://www.peoplespharmacy.com/2010/05/26/looking-for-lubricant/)

As the title of this blog indicates, I am single but not just single; I am pushing 36 and single. Wait, not just single; pushing 36 but also have Christian beliefs. Ouch! I think I have put myself in a precarious predicament. This situation will be refered to as the hard sell position. I happened to be reading a blog entitled, At 34, Am I a Hard Sell? and thought wow I think I am one of many women who are in that situation.

For some women, adding the biologically screaming clock to the equation just makes matters worst and maybe downright depressing. The hard sell position implies that as single women over 30, we are not as desirable to the general population of men as before. We have aged out of the category to be able to compete for good mate worthy men.  This hard sell position can be attributed to a change in the cultural standards for dating which have been shifting by a disturbing tide. Apparently, women over 30 are just not as appealing as their younger and nubile 20′s counterparts. Damnations to Hollywood and their brain washing. It is very obvious that super young is in and the big 3-0+ is so far over the hill we are out of sight. I have no intention of bashing my younger sisters but I do have to say that with age comes maturity and stability that many younger women are lacking.  I should know because in my twenties I was lacking the desire to be stable despite being mature.

Older women are being chastised for waiting too long to settle down. It is very much our fault for not wanting to be hogtied by the age of 25 when we had everything going for us.  Boo, I say. This has been an irritatingly pervasive argument from many and some women are kicking themselves for not grabbing the opportunity when they had it. However, the issue that this view-point fails to address is that commitment is something a person has to be ready to embrace. There are enough stories of people marrying and having children when they were not ready for such long-term stability. Being settled just for settling sake is a flawed logic. Thinking back during my college days, I had, at my fingertips, an oasis of single christian bachelor. If I were smart, I should have tried to reel one in before graduation. The problem is I was not ready just like many women were not in their 20′s. I can guarantee that my life after college was not conducive to having a stable relationship and I could not picture myself being hitched to anything.

During their twenties, many women are finding themselves and discovering their strengths and weaknesses. They are forging character and careers. They are learning to be women. The men are usually out sowing their wild oats (christian and secular) and therefore would not have been a suitable choice. Men have the luxury of waiting until they need Viagra before settling and  they never have to face the wrath of bachelor criticism. They, especially the ones who are financially secure, can easily pick up a fresh young one at any time despite them being out of shape, balding and all. On the thorny side of the bush, the spinsters can not even come close unless they are willing to put their bodies through the wringer in order to emulate someone who is their junior.

Is it wrong for women to wait to settle down? No, absolutely not! Many women become better with age - that whole fine wine analogy - and we grow into excellent partners which are huge advantages over the young nubiles. We have so much more to offer in a relationship and as mothers. However, despite all of our wonderful goodness, many women will continue to be single as they inadvertently compete with the younger and more fertile 20 something crowd. Here’s to hoping that the tide will change back to our favour.