Bystander Effect – Being a Good Samaritan

My daily life is very unremarkable. My current job is  very dull, going to the gym is repetitive, and coming home does not hold much excitement either. So ,when something remarkable happens, then you have to decide whether you want to pass it by or jump in.

It so happened that on one of those unremarkable days I left the gym early because “I was not feeling the need to workout.” On my way home, I came to an accident that probably just happened a few minutes before I arrived. Cars were steaming and one was on fire (a small fire that was put out), car parts were strewn across the 4 lane road and a few people were on their cell phones while one or two ran over to the car that was in the middle of the road.

Like myself, many people pulled off to the side of the road and waited. I was not sure what I was waiting for… I decided after a few moments that I would just drive by because it seemed that a number of people “appeared” to be stopping to help. Just to interject a little social psychology, the thought that when multiple people witness an incident,  each person expects that the next individual would do something ie. call the cops, go to help etc is called the bystander effect. This phrase came from the Kitty Genovese murder that happened in the 60′s in which people heard her cries for help but no one called 911 because each person assumed his/her neighbour already called. Here I was looking at a recent accident and implementing the bystander effect – ‘surely someone else will stop to help these people so I don’t have to.’

Most of us know the parable of the good Samaritan. Most of us know that a few people stopped, gawked and walked by because they did not think it was their job to get involved. I understand quite well the feeling of not wanting to get involved – frankly it disrupts my day, it  can be very time-consuming, and then again you never know what you may get into.

That day, which was quickly turning into a dark evening as well as the fact that I was feeling tired and wanted to get home before it was dark (I hate driving at night), I decided that walking by was not the right thing to do. I decided to play the role of the good Samaritan along with a few other people. The decision became clear when at the moment I realized that most people actually stopped to gawk but never left their cars (bystander effect) and the other car involved in the accident had a person trapped inside. I just could not pass by; I needed to become involved.

Needless to say that once I got to the car with a 60 yr old woman with multicolored hair who was trapped and in pain, the issues of driving at night, feeling too tired or loss of personal time was not an issue. It was all about this woman who needed the help of strangers and few of us answered her call. It was quite moving to see the support that people can give to each other in times of crisis.

I really can’t say that I made a difference at the scene when I suggested that they use her blanket to cover her or when I decided to put her glasses back on her face because I thought she might need to see (I wear glasses so I understood the importance of seeing).  I acknowledge that my role was very insignificant; however, I would do it all over again because for that moment in time, someone else needed my support and full attention. It was not all about me and my needs.

I received no medals of commendations or pats on the back or anything such things (except for a few Facebook friends’ kind words); I slipped away from the scene when I was sure she was in good hands with the first responders. Choosing to become involved in someone else’s life is a risky venture. In this day and age, being a good Samaritan can get you killed and sometimes by the person you are trying to help. Thank God, that in this case, multicoloured-hair grandmother (who looked a lot  younger than her age of 60) did not appear to suffer any life threatening injuries and everyone who stopped to help did not meet with any harm. All in all, it was a good moment to choose to be a good Samaritan.

Church Goers Vs Christians

In the last month or so, I had the pleasure of observing two professed Christians/church goers. It was not an intentional surveillance but nevertheless I could not help but reflect on something my mother said to me. Due to my lengthy absence from church, she always says that I should not look at the people because we go to church to serve God.

When I am in a good mood, I totally understand that concept. However, when I am in an anti-christianity mood, then my first thoughts are that this is complete b.s. because in church you are surrounded and have to interact with these people (good, bad or in between).  Anyways, one Christian had such a strong verbal expression of her faith that I could not help but think she probably put people off. I also could not help but note that she has set herself up for a fall because of a legalistic view of Christianity. The ironic thing is her house is in a bit of a mess.  The other christian has fallen back to smoking. He shows a conniving contempt for his boss and he has a loose tongue to quickly share ie. gossip about others.

I can’t help but find the humor with these two people. My mother is right. We are all humans who are very fallible (some more so than others) and if we stare too long at the professed Christians, we will lose sight of the purpose of Christianity. I am certainly not in a place to judge anyone (now or ever) because I am one of the ‘more so fallibles.’ It’s actually quite refreshing to admit to being a terrible sinner with one foot in to hell

Don’t get me wrong! I am not reveling in my current fallen status. I am just aware and admitting that there is nothing perfect about me. Actually everything is imperfect. It is funny how as professed christians we tend to deny our ‘evil’ side and  extensively promote the ‘holier than thou’ status.  I am slowly starting accept that professed Christians are not as perfect as they portray. I am not as disappointment or surprised when one of the flock behaves badly. I do wonder if they have admitted to themselves that they are in denial about their minor sins/almost perfect status.

I still am not sure how much closer I am to getting myself back to church. The calling has not hit yet but on rare occasions a fleeting thought crosses my mind. Despite my withdrawal, prayer continues to be a daily part of my life – a habit I just can’t give up.

Questioning the Bible

I had taken a hiatus from blogging because there seem to be nothing of great interest in the religious world to blog about at this time. When it comes to religion, there are so few things to discuss before I start repeating yourself. I am not back with a renewed vigor but with a struggle of the bible and believing kind.

Here is my religious struggle. I have stopped attending church on a regular basis because I just don’t want to be there and I am having some serious questions about the bible. I do visit a church on occasion (when I visit my church-going parents) and I do acknowledge that some of the messages are pretty good. However, I am becoming an unbeliever in the word-for-word bible. I do unwaveringly believe that a God exists and he created the things we see but the details which are laid out by the Christian bible (any religion as a matter of fact) seems a bit fuzzy.

I have realized that faith in one’s religion takes a lot of gusto, trusting, and naivety. It’s like that passage in which Jesus states that you have to be like a child to enter into the kingdom of heaven. He was right. Children believe a lot of things without question. It is only when we question that we (I) start scratching my head thinking W-H-A-T??? Interestingly, the same bible encourages the believers to test and see ‘if it is true.’ Unfortunately, my testing has led to more questions that no one seems to be able to answer.

I recognize that this could be a phase (a very long phase) but I have no intention of denying my ambiguity about the bible and religion. I am not ready to toss out the bible and neither am I willing to venture to the dark side of atheism. Something just seems ‘rotten in Denmark’ but the alternative to walk away does not seem right either. What to do? What to do?

With all that being said, the true face of Christianity is quite majestic: The caring for others; The willingness to call a stranger brother or sister;  The sense that there is so much more to life than what the eye can see. Ironically, I have not given up prayer. It is quite a comforting practise-afterall, I do believe in the existence of a God who can see and hear. The essence or the ‘spirit’ of religion is hard to resist in such a f-up world. It’s almost like a peace in the midst of chaos. I guess that’s the part I find very difficult to give up despite my questioning.

Minimum Is Not Always Good Enough

A number of things have changed in the space of a month. Job change, career change, some financial reprieve and my decision to go active husband hunting. Of all those things I listed, the husband hunting is the hardest and most cringe worthy. Looking at those words “husband hunting” makes me uneasy.

It’s not just about the words but the image that comes to mind – like a cougar (no pun intended) on the prowl for fresh available meat. It’s not just any meat but prime grade A quality meat. None of that sounds very lady like or Christiany! However, the reason for the pursuit of more than the minimum single status quo is due to one thing – the philosophy that if I want something, then I need to take an active role in trying to acquire it.

For the longest time, religion dictates that we should be content in whatever situation we are in. However, I have decided to challenge that concept. That idea of being a minimalist is such a weak philosophy for living. If I live in the gutters of India, should I be content and praise God for – being alive? Should I always end my prayer with ‘This is what God wants for my life?’ Or can I work my way out of that miserable state and thank God for every progress?

I happened to have formed a budding work friendship with a single (non Christian) 40 something waiting for her man to propose. She was so forthright about her desires to be coupled and that she would actively pursuit two other eligible guys if her man continues to be a minimalist (all the milk without buying the cow). While her and I are very different in characteristics, I did grab on piece of important tidbit – sitting on your ass and praying alone will not make the world work in your favour.

I can hear the conservative christians vehemently explaining how ‘God works in mysterious ways’ and ‘wait on the Lord’ etc. These verses easily slipping from their mouths’ but as I stated in my analogy about the gutters of India, I have decided to take the action point of view with my social life. PS- It’s quite fun to take an active role  A dear friend of mine is leaving behind the minimum thought too-she has a financial goal she wants to achieve and let’s just say it’s a lot more than pennies. She is actively going after that goal while still keeping her connection to God. It’s shocking how you can do both.

Contentment is certainly not overrated. However, contentment and having the barest minimum do NOT go hand in hand. Contentment and suffering are NOT synonymous. The idea that Christianity has become this perpetual suffering religion is ludicrous. Many of the Old Testament stalwarts were quite wealthy and God blessed them even more because such blessings were not evil – being happy in one’s life does not equal sin.

I can truly say that this time in my life I am doing the minimum dance which is very far from contentment. So whether it is husband hunting or career finding or financial stability or even something else that God has blessed for those bible characters, doing the minimum does not seem to pull me closer to God. I guess I am refusing to be this waiting suffering Christianish person.

Churches With Secrets

Secrets are those bits and pieces of knowledge that someone does not want the world to know. When anyone thinks of secrets, they think CIA, military operations, your health records, Microsoft and the Vatican. Wait… the Vatican? The Vatican is a shining representation of what is holy-at least for Catholic believers. The Vatican is a Christian religious institution which in the last month or so was ‘rocked’ with scandal that the Pope’s trusted personal assistant was caught with and arrested for stealing secret documents. The question that is on everyone’s mind is that he could not have pulled off such a caper by himself therefore who else is behind such a heist and what was the intent?  The first thing on my mind is why do churches have secrets?

The Vatican is a very public religious institution and therefore any misdeeds will be magnified. The problem is the Vatican is just a more visible example of many Christian religious institutions in which the organizations are more like a business than a place of spiritual healing. Of course no man and therefore no church is perfect but when there is something to hide in the houses of God, then there is a problem that has instantly put God out of the picture. Whatever is done in the dark should come to light is a known (paraphrased) verse in the bible. What can any church, in God’s name, keep as a secret that they deemed to toxic for the believers’ ears.

In the old testament, God commanded that the Arc of the Covenant be built and he ordered that specific items were to be placed inside. Back in the bible day, only select few were able to touch the arc or you would be killed instantly. The point is that even though close proximity to the arc could cost someone his life, everyone far and wide knew what was housed in that sacred box – The 10 commandments. I mean everyone knew it’s ‘secrets’! The devout and the heathens alike. There was no secret when it came to the Israelites religious institution, each man might have their own secrets but not the institution of God. So the real question is what in God’s name could any modern day religious establishment hold much more precious than the items in the Arc of the Covenant that needs to be hidden except from a select privilege few? What?

Churches with secrets are the ultimate oxymoron. The Christian ministry was not founded on secrets and mysteries or the bible would have strategically indicated that certain things were not for the believers eyes and ears and should be guarded by a select few. Can you imagine any aspect of the Christian bible being deemed ‘secret’ and only for the eyes of a certain few? I recognize that many people do not question their religious institutions. I recognize that believers find it almost blasphemous to point out discrepancies or even ask questions.  I recognize that many  believers tend to feel and believe that attending ones church is the same as believing in God or Christianity. However, I tend to believe very differently and they are not mutually exclusive. Back in the day, the early Christians were missionaries. They were commissioned to travel, preach, and teach. The new believers congregated wherever available in order to share the new teachings and support each other.  Later, church institutions (Ephesus, Laodicea etc)began to form and even Paul had to address some misleading information and questionable behaviors of the members and leaders of these new churches.

No religious institution is too holy for mistakes and correction. No church is perfect and believers need to recognize that and ask yourself if the church meets the Bible criteria not the other way around. If it does not, then feel free to question the church NOT your belief in God. The Christian churches’ purpose is for spiritual enlightenment not for secret keeping, human judges, indecipherable tongue babbling nor snake charming or any such nonsense. Christianity in and of itself is a very simple concept - Love God with all your heart and might and love your fellow-man. The bible even added a few guidelines to do both. Jesus knew his Jewish heritage and traditions and he knew his Torah. However, when Jesus quoted a passage, it came from the Torah not the ever-changing traditions.  Secrets are for man not for God.

Revenge at the Pulpit

So a few weeks ago I visited a church while staying with a friend. If  you follow my blog, then you will know that it has been many moons since my last church visit and ages before that. No, I did not burst into flames or was struck by lightning from God’s wrath due to my absence. As always, the church was beautiful and everything went according to the church rituals.

It so happened that this was graduation week for that college town and so many visitors were there. I sat through the whole service and concluded that I only liked two aspect of the church service – the sermon which was done by a visiting pastor and the musical ensemble. I love classical music and it has been years since I was at a concert so it was nice to see and hear the ensemble. Everything else I could do without especially the closing prayer given by one of the graduating students.

Before I get to the self-serving revenge prayer, I have to talk about my issues with mass prayer. The first thing is kneeling. I was taught as a child to kneel on the floor to pray (I tried kneeling in bed but my parents would not have it). The problem is not the prayer but the fact that kneeling always hurts my knees and therefore is a distraction. Instead of taking my time to do a God talk moment, I rush through the prayer (and trying not to get into trouble with my parents as a kid) in order to end the torture on my knees. This is the same issue I have with church prayers, I just can’t focus because I can’t wait to quit kneeling and end the pain. The other thing is church mass prayers are designed to be so long-winded. When the person praying starts going on and on and  on, then I naturally tune them out or find my mind wandering. I guess for me when it comes to prayer, I totally subscribe to the going into your closet to pray suggestion. I just don’t find public prayers as meaningful as they are intended to be.

So it was the end of the wonderful sermon (I got a really good lesson about expectations and never giving up when you fall). The gentleman came up to the pulpit to start his prayer. At first, I was not sure if he was preaching or praying. He had the intonation of a Southern black minister who was on a roll. At first I am thinking, is he flexing his ability to preach or was he attention seeking? If that was all, I would have been okay but then he started to use the pulpit and the prayer as a way to exact verbal revenge. I had no knowledge of the bur that started his fiery feelings but I deduced from his so-called prayer that he was not happy with some incident that involved him and school administration. He particularly asked divine guidance for the teachers and school president. However, the request was less than Godly and more rebuking (but with church appropriate words). As he continue into his preaching (disguised as prayer) long tirade, I could not help but wonder “why the hell are you using this venue to air your grievance?”

When did the pulpit become a place to curse those who did wrong to you? He is not the first person to do this. Many pastors will use the pulpit to air certain things and you know that they are speaking about a particular incident. As much I have some many reservations about organized religion, I do not want to hear personal shit during the church hour on the days I actually attend a church service.  The briefly unfortunate thing was this new graduate’s vengeance actually ruined a wonderful church moment for me. His prayer was unnecessarily preachy and over the top not to mention his obvious contempt for the school management.  Once he was done with his verbal diarrhea my mood was saved by the ensemble playing to help usher the congregation out.  Music saved the day.

Good Mothers Endurance and Love

It is Mother’s Day and I have already called and wished my mother a happy mother’s day. I also texted three other mothers and wish them the same sentiments. Let’s talk about the endurance that is required of a good mother. When I refer to a good mother, I am distinguishing between the egg donors and the women who put a great deal of effort into raising her children. The good mother is a thankless calling most often than not. They have to put in at least 18 years overtime of nurturing, worrying and their hearts and souls into a person who does not always recognize their effort.

Good mothers make sacrifices of which we are not always aware. Their main focus and priority is their children. They give unconditional love with a hope they will get something in return but deep down they know that it does not always turn out that way. Good mothers do not regret being mothers at all. They get sad when they are disappointment in their children but never regret. They still show an enormous amount of love for the child who did not turn out emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually ‘perfect.’ The good mother gives almost everything but does not ask for much in return except for her child to live a good and happy life (and remember she exists more than two times out of the year).

Children can be ungrateful, bitchy, little and sometimes not so little brats and bastards. Growing up we give our mothers grief, back talk, some amount of disrespect, believe that we know more, believe that we don’t need her and believe that life would be better if she was not around to care meddle about your life.

From the beginning, the task of mothering came with a tall order. She had to do all the diaper changes, keeping you from electrocuting, poisoning yourself and all sorts of danger because of a baby’s fascination with something new. She attended to your feedings and worries if you feel ‘a little hot’ on the forehead. She had to chase after you every time you decided to explore a new territory away from her safety zone. She had to deal with first days of schools, new friends and recent enemies anxieties.

She had to especially restrain herself during the ’I want to slap the shit out of you’ stage called puberty and teenage dramahood. She had to endure attitude changes and watch her child growing up and away. She had to endure a change in the relationship from “mummy mummy I need you” to “I am okay mother, I can do this by myself.” She had to endure you leaving her side to go live your life as an adult. She had to endure not feeling any control and powerless to do things for you when aspects of your life had not gone according to plan. She will continue to endure being a mother in whatever capacity you allow her to be as long as she lives.

Mothers have to endure a great deal of things that we do not understand until either we are in her position as a mother or we are able to reflect on what a pain in the ass we were as children. A good mother is an awesome woman that we often take for granted more than we should but she does not always complain. Thank God for Mother’s Day because it is a reminder that there was a woman who made the choice to do some very wonderful things for us even when  we did not deserve it.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE GOOD MOTHERS