If Your Mate Offends You, Then

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The Christians who are familiar with their bible should see the direction in which I am heading with this post titled ”If your mate offends you, then.” This is a variation on the theme of Matt. 18: 8-9 in which Jesus made statements that if something offends you then  cut it (him/her) loose. Harder said than done isn’t it?

I was having a discussion with a male coworker who made the statement that he does not understand why bad men always get together with good women and treat them badly. I promptly responded that men are allowed to behave badly because the women practice the 70 x 7 forgiveness concept. This is when a woman of good character continues to forgive and accept a mate with bad behaviors. The results of this 70 x 7 forgiveness concept are the bad behaviors continue and the offending partner never learns consequences due to ”sparing the rod and spoiling the child.”

Disclaimer: This is not a male bashing post. The bad behaviors are practiced by both men and women; however, men seem to be the offending partner most of the time while the women are more accepting of bad behaviors.

The male coworker was also speaking from experience. He too had been one of those men and it took years before he finally realized the error of his ways. Even though he had been married for over 20 something years to his now deceased wife, he had given her hell for most of those years. A lesson to be learned is that a large number of marriages are never always pretty from the inside!

Men/women who behave badly did not just wake up one day and became relationship terrorists. They displayed these behaviors right after the first few ‘get to know you’ dates were over. So, if a woman sees these things early in the relationship, then why does she continue to choose the bumpy, crying, upset, angry road? Is being single such a death sentence? Is it better to be coupled with trouble than to be single?

Being in a bad relationship is like playing the slots machine (do they still call them slots?). The person with character can rely on intermittent winnings and she continues to hold on to hope that every play will win her the jackpot for life. However, the issue with gambling is, the players will always lose more over time in comparison to what they have ‘won.’

Women are so accepting of the ‘hanging in there’ idea to the point in which their spirits are damaged in the process. For some, it is damaged beyond repair and for others it takes lots of mending. So why not cut loose the offending party? Why torture yourself with someone whom you know perpetually and intentionally offends you? Well, like the parable of the offending hand and eye, the offenders serve a purpose. The offending party serves as a self-esteem booster because you are not single like those other pathetic people; the offending party provides a sense of comfort in which occasionally the person can be reliable; the offending party gives the sense that you are not completely alone in life; and the offending party is the evil that you know.

The good character women/men are NOT  victims. They are willing participants in this heartbreaking cycle. They still have enough strength to be able to handle the crap that is thrown at them. Their spirits are not defeated as yet.  I told my coworker that these ‘bad guys’ have life quite easy. They know that there are always women out there  willing to put up with their foolishness. This means the bad guy does not care that he leaves a trail of broken spirits behind because there is always one more waiting.

As women, we allow bad behaviors from men. We allow ourselves to be abused physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally because of a lack of self-confidence and unstable self-esteem. As Christian women, God gives us something else to rely on in order to draw confidence and self-worth; however, the pressure of being married to or in a relationship with someone (good or bad) outweighs the big picture.

Single + Single ≠ A Match

I was dragged to church today but not kicking and screaming; however, I was grumbling a bit . Despite the rocky start, I can admit that the service was good and the singing was fabulous. The pastor talked about releasing the sinful behaviors that create chains which anchor us to the devil. I am introspective so I know my sinful behaviors, the things that I go back to, and the things that I am a bit reluctant to let go off (and let God, so to speak). However, since this is a being christian and single navigation blog, I will get to the part that is singles related.

There were two incidents in church that just rubbed me the wrong way as a single and somewhat-Christian woman. The first was a young woman giving a thank-God-life-has-been-good-and-God-gave-me-everything-I-wanted-testimony. I have to say I do like those God did good things for me messages. Her testimony included being married and pregnant in the same year. Great for her!! (and I mean it sincerely). However, in the next breath (here is the thing that irritated me) she went on to say, in hopes of being encouraging, that God should be our all. He is all we need for a partner, for love, comfort etc. In essence, God should be the ‘it’ of our lives and those who did not get what they wanted should be okay with just God.

While I understand the importance of God in a Christian’s life, I do take offence to those people who first pointed out that they wanted more than just God and got it; however, for the rest of us poor single nonpregnant people, we should be satisfied with only God. The hypocrisy is so glaring that it makes you want to scream “you would not be saying that if you didn’t get_____.” It is almost like a poor you sucker message. God gave me my mate and a family but since you are not as fortunate then God is all you need. I don’t know if people are that insensitive because they are self-absorbed or they are trying, but failing badly, to give hope to others. Either way, just stick to your praise and testimony and shut the hell up if you don’t know what to say to those who were not so abundantly blessed.

The second issue that came up in church was the pastor assumption that because two people are single then they will naturally make a good match. If becoming coupled was as easy as 1-2-3, then we would all be in long and happy marriages. The pastor’s mistake is a common one that many people (especially those that are coupled) tend to perpetuate. There is this prevailing assumption that 1 + 1 will =2. Obviously, there is more to making a good connection with someone than their marital status-this is something many single people are very aware of from their relationship misadventures.

A single status is only one criteria when a Christian single is searching for a mate. Being single, as a friend points out, does NOT mean available. It is always sarcastically amusing when someone you know tells you that she knows this person who is single and you two should get together. The next question is ‘tell me about him/her’. The reply usually goes along these lines: s/he is a nice person but I don’t know that much about person X except that s/he is single. This is the what the ****** moment. So what your misguided friend or family is saying is that I am desperate to be with anyone because I am single! I am not implying that these random get togethers could not work out (probably the same percentage as internet dating) but the idea that just because we are two single people then we are bound to hitting-it-off. Really!!!! I say again really!!!!!

The older Christian single status is a very tricky place to navigate. If church people are not being condescending, then they are trying to get you coupled. It is hard to tell church members to piss-off but instead you graciously grin and bear these subtle insults which are wrapped in well-meaning intentions (or not).  The best defense is to try and find the humor in silly situations like these. I recognize these faux pas  frequency could cause a Christian single to momentarily forget her lady-like manners and say something very unchristian  . I do believe that most singles can express themselves quite clearly and if we need your opinions or blind interventions, we can speak up about that too.

The Greedy Fascination with Things in Our Mouths

 

(Image copied from autostraddle.com)

It took going away to a Christian college in order to get the first taste of people’s idiocy towards alcohol. Despite the school’s location in the wine country, there was never an interest in testing out my drunk limits. Growing up in a different cultural atmosphere that did not restrict alcohol use for minors ie. parents at times will give their kids a small sip of certain alcoholic beverage but did not encourage a boozing behavior. So, like most normal kids, I had quite a few sips and occasional gulp of different liqueur before I was a teen. Interestingly, during the teen years, there was no desire to become plastered much less drink. The fascination was gone and still had not returned even with my new-found independence while at college. On the rare occasion that I do have a glass of some fruity alcoholic beverage, there is always my limit of one.

The word-on-the-street psychobabble is that people have an addictive personality. This implies that certain people, due to a genetic factor, is able to become more addicted to a substance than others. I can assure you that such a description is not in the DSM (the bible for mental illness) and this is just an excuse for not taking control of one’s behaviors. An addiction is a repetitive behavior that ultimately interferes with one’s daily life. The important words are ‘repetitive and behavior’ which are two things that are in a person’s control. Most people who overindulged seem to have an insecure side. They are only able to be themselves or loosen up or feel better when they are intoxicated. There is also an inexplicable ridiculous cool factor with stumbling around and making a fool of one’s self in public. It is even more distressing to see women fall prey because they are at a higher risk for being sexual assaulted. Unfortunately, quite a number of sexual assaults have an alcohol factor.

People who become drunk at every social outing, drinks excessively, and become alcoholics are due to greed not an addictive personality.  At a recent event, there were plenty of opportunities to watch people (young and older) drink one bottle or large glass of alcohol one right after the other. At times, people had two glasses or bottles combination in their hands to cut down on the walking and ordering time it would take to get to the bar and back to their spots. One thing a nutritionist will tell you is that liquids are quick  fillers when someone is hungry. Having a minimum of two bottles or large glasses of alcohol would fill anyone very quickly.  So, the excessive drinking is not about being hungry or thirsty but forcing the body to accept more and more in order to reach an intoxicating level.  It is no different from continuing to eat when you are full. There is a guarantee that if you should ask those same people to drink as much water as they do alcohol in one setting, they would have some difficulty completing the tasks. The difficulty would be because it is not a behavior choice to drink that much water but it is for alcohol.

Even after all these years of seeing people purposefully stuff their faces with alcohol, it is always bewildering as to what they truly get out of it? I have witnessed one too many people being dragged home unconscious from their greedy consumption. These are the same people who drive home and the few bastards who cause unfortunate accidents or do very rash things in their impaired state. The other distressing and surprising thing is that the impaired are always the ones who end up with minor scratches while killing others. This is definitely not fair. The body has a shut off valve or warning signs for every excessive thing we put into our mouths. People just choose to ignore it because they are greedy and that is the real reason behind alcohol and food addictions. Alcoholism and food addictions are luxury disorders-ie. these are chosen behaviors that afflict people who have access to excess. A poor alcoholic who does not have money to buy booze will be sober very quickly. A food addict who does not have money to spend on pizzas etc on a daily basis will learn to ration and look like a supermodel in no time.

There really is a cure for all these things. It is called moderation. This is not to say that at times people do not overindulged which is natural. People will also argue that there is an emotional factor to being greedy. In the mental health world, this is a part of the step to treatment; however, in the real world, emotions and behaviors are separate. For example, feeling angry does not equal shooting your family or coworkers but one could punch a pillow, punching bag or scream loudly. Feeling depressed does not equal cutting one’s self, using drugs, or suicide but one could watch a funny comedy, call friends, get a cheap massage, listen to upbeat music. Feeling lonely does not equal sleeping with the first person who shows affection but could involve getting an affordable make over, join a social club, take up salsa dancing to meet people, or do online dating. Feeling proud does not mean being disparaging to others etc. This is all about that dirty word call choices.

Why is this important for the single Christian? Making note of people’s behaviors are key to making a choice to whom you want in your lives.  For example, if your date involves the person stepping outside to have a smoke and you do not want to be with a smoker then, that is an easy choice. However, if you are someone who does not find alcohol appealing but is willing to accept a social drinker then, it is important to note if your date seems to enjoy having 2 or more glass of liquor in the space of one hour. Does your date have to drink 3+ alcoholic beverages at every social outing? People do not have to be drunk and most importantly they do not have to consume large quantities. So any signs of your date being drunk is one very big red flag.  Eating is the same thing. People have healthy appetites; however, there is a large, no pun intended, distinction between healthy and greedy.

Do You Really Need Chemistry To Have a Good Relationship?

Being a 30 something terminally single gal in the pursuit of a committed relationship, I want to make sure that my choice for a husband is a good one. I have happily enjoyed my single days and now it’s time to transition to the coupling side of the fence. Prior to these recent years, I had not thought that much about chemistry because it was irrelevant (I had no intentions of being permanently shackled). However, now that things have changed, the idea of being physically attracted to someone or that indescribable spark is a hot topic.

I have heard arguments for both sides. Team Chem says that it is necessary to have that chemistry with a guy in order for a long-term relationship to survive. Team No says that it is all about making a commitment and you can learn to love and grow with that individual without this ‘spark.’ I have had that  indescribable attraction to probably 2 people in my entire dating life and I have to say that it is a good feeling. It is something about that person that makes you giggle, think about him constantly, and gives you butterflies by just the mention of his name. As I said, it’s a good feeling.

I have also been on the other side. I am sitting across from a guy and feel absolutely nothing, nada, not even a twitch. Even though the person is nice yada yada yada, there is just something missing. I have come to recognize that without that chemistry, no matter how good he looks on paper, I will never be able to make a full emotional commitment without thinking that I am selling out.

I once read that there is some science behind having relationship chemistry. Whether that is true or not, it seems to be an integral part of getting my foot in the door of wanting a long term-there is nobody else but you kind of relationship. Do I think I might be setting myself up to continue on that long single road journey? Probably. However, knowing myself and my previous experiences, it seems that I need that chemistry to be present in order for me to put much more time and effort into keeping my interest in that guy. Couples talk about the proverbial spark that needs to be rekindled when a relationship starts to stall; however, what will you do if there was never one in the first place? Or can it be that if you start off without it, then over time it may develop.

Churchless Christians

 

The connection to a church has been as a normal part of my life since birth as breathing. I went to church schools and even when I had the option, I thought long and hard and chose a Christian college attached to my current denomination. I deduced that it was better to not surround myself with all the worldly temptations of being exposed to debauchery with a bunch of young adults celebrating the first taste of freedom and independence. I wanted to skip the rampant sex and partying that came with a secular college and become closer to God without any interference.

Years later, I am not having a crisis of faith in God (been there done that!) but a crisis of faith in church. Church meaning an organized religious institution. I am thrilled for those who have found their place in a nice cozy setting but my luck is not that good. I think I am somewhat tired by the prospect of church hunting and is now on the why-go-to-a-church kick. From my current perspective, they are all the same: self-serving to a point and adding bits and pieces of what they consider ‘teachings from Christ.’ This is not to say that there are not churches that do good works mixed in.

A friend and I were having a conversation about chosing partners from different religious groups and she was very clear on staying in our denomination (this definitely cuts down on the conflict that comes with having two different belief systems) which decreased the dating pool. I think that touched a major undiscovered nerve with me because my thoughts were why should two Christians be unequally yoked? Why is it that as Christians we have such differing beliefs and religious practices when we all study one bible, with one Christ, and one teaching?  When did it all go from I am a Christian to I am a (insert denomination here) Christian?

This is not a new phenomena because when the bible started out, there was just one God and one set of laws and expectation as a people. However, by the time Jesus showed up, there were a number of Jewish sects who had their own ’this is important to get to heaven additions.’ Interestingly, Jesus rejected them all and essentially said they all have strayed.  If I had a $100 dollar bill for every religious institution that believes they have the truth and theirs is the only way to heaven, I would be Oprah rich. The last time I checked, there was only one way to heaven and it was through ONE Christ (not through the Anglican, or Catholic, or Seventh Day Adventists, or Baptist… Christ ).

I understand the importance of fellowship with other Christians. There is something so invaluable in that and this is the reason why the bible talks about “where two or three are gathered in my name….” I guess at this point, I may only want just two or three not a whole religious institution. So until I have a crisis intervention, I think I will be a churchless Christian for right now.

Article: Dating Versus Courting

Here is the link to the article below. Enjoy

Dating Versus Courting.

 

Dating verses Courting

By Tom Brown

 

Joshua Harris wrote a book with a provocative title, “I’ve kissed dating goodbye.” You need to kiss dating goodbye. I believe that dating is the world’s way to find a spouse. Many might be wondering, If I don’t date, how am I going to find a spouse?

You should find a spouse through courting. Courtship is more of a scriptural way to meet a prospective spouse than dating. What is the difference between dating and courting? Let me say first of all: Don’t get hung up on terms. It is possible to use the word date but not necessarily have the same understanding as my definition. I am giving you my definition of dating. If you say you date but don’t do what I define dating as being, then I feel you are practicing courting, although you might still use the term dating.

My definition of dating is that it is a modern game where intimacy is practiced before commitment. It often involves romantic talk, holding hands, kissing, making out, and oftentimes sex. Commitment never proceeds intimacy. The word date comes from the word mate. It doesn’t sound good to tell someone you are mating with Mr. X. You prefer to use the word dating. It sounds so much better, but in reality, dating and mating are sometimes the same. I looked up the word date in my encyclopedia and it said, “see Sex and Teenage.” Even my encyclopedia agrees with my definition.

 

Courtship is the time-honored and successful practice of learning about someone enough to know whether or not the two is compatible for marriage. It often involves friendship, discussing each individual’s future plans, knowing the parents if they’re alive, and praying privately for God’s will in the matter. After deciding it is God’s will to get married, the couple prays together and then go to their parents to seek their blessings and finally to the pastor to seek his approval. After engaged the couple still avoids intimacy until marriage. Commitment comes before intimacy.

 

Someone might be thinking, How old is this writer? I’m under forty, and my wife, Sonia, and I proved that courtship could work in this modern age. We both were virgins when we married each other. So don’t tell me that this is unrealistic. We never kissed or even held hands until we were engaged. It can work. We’ve been married for almost 18 years, and are still in love. J

 

Why people fall away from the Lord?

 

I’ve been pastoring for almost two decades, and I’ve noticed that the number one reason people are led away from God is because they get involved in a relationship which is not honoring God. People rarely fall away from God as a result of drugs, alcohol, or cults. Christianity is a relationship, so it stands to reason that an unholy relationship will be the number one cause of backsliding.

 

We are relational people. Our faith is based on a relationship with God. We need a relationship with God to fulfill us. Satan knows this, so he tries to replace your relationship with God with a wrong relationship with another. If he can succeed, you will discover that your relationship with God will suffer.

 

Dating is Satan’s method of getting you distracted from God. As I said before, dating involves intimacy. Once a person develops intimacy, they can easily make each other out to be idols. The Romeo and Juliet syndrome takes place.

 

“Oh, I can’t live without you! I need you! You are everything to me!”

 

Like Romeo and Juliet you will began to despise the advice of your parents and others who care for your spiritual well being. You will soon give more and more time to this person. You will began to spend less time with your family and Christian friends. Before you know it, you rarely attend church.

 

“Who cares, I’m in love!” you say. Remember the end of Romeo and Juliet: they killed themselves! That is not exactly a romantic ending.

 

Satan tried it on me

 

Hey, I am a guy! I know what I’m talking about. Satan tried to get me involved in wrong relationships with different girls. Oh, they were so pretty! But they weren’t born-again, Spirit-filled girls. I knew God had called me into the ministry, so I realized my choice for a wife was critical. None of the girls I liked were interested in being a preacher’s wife.

 

Satan almost got me on several occasions. One girl, who was drunk at the time, said to me, “Tom, with you being religious and all that, and me being such a sinner, we would make a good couple.” Yea, sure?

 

When I met Sonia at church, I asked her to play tennis with me. We saw each other every week at a nursing home that we ministered at together. We went out a couple of times. In all those months, we never saw each other as idols. We were simply good friends.

 

The trouble with many marriages is they are built on sex, not friendship. There is more to a marriage than sex. Yes, sex is fun, it has its place, but friendship is even more important.

 

Many argue that unless you have sex before marriage, you might not be satisfied with your spouse’s performance. They say, “Better find out if you are compatible sexually before marriage than after marriage.”

 

You know this argument is so lame. Common sense tells us that sex will be wonderful so long as you are in love with the person. It doesn’t matter if they can do gymnastics in bed, what matters most, is if they love you. Sex is meaningful with someone you love. You can learn to perform better as you go along. That is part of the fun.

 

Get it out of your system

 

Another argument of the proponents of sex before marriage is this: if you wait until marriage to have sex, then you will always desire more; better to get it out of your system before marriage than to do it after marriage.

 

This argument is so ridiculous. I would argue just the opposite. Sex can be addictive. I’m more worried about playboys settling down.

 

Take for example a man who hates to shop. He decides to go to Wal-Mart and gets himself some overalls. Let me ask you this question: how long do you think he will keep his clothes? Remember he doesn’t have many clothes. Yet, you and I both know he probably will keep those overalls for many years.

 

On the other hand, a woman who loves to shop will buy some expensive clothes and add them to her dozens of outfits. How long do you think she will wear them? Not very long.

 

You see you don’t have to try on many clothes before you will be satisfied with what you bought. My wife loves to shop. She will take hours trying on different dresses to see which one she likes. Finally, she decides on a dress, only to take it back later. On the other hand, I try on one pair of shoes, it fits, and I take it home. I will wear those shoes out until my wife encourages me to get another pair.

 

Trying on different people does not make it less likely that you will want to keep the one you picked. Actually, chances are you will more likely become dissatisfied with the person you married, because you know what others are like, and you might start to reminisce about the other guys you slept with. But someone who knows only one person, does not have anyone else to compare him with, and is more likely to be satisfied with their “one and only”.

 

Fornication or Adultery

 

Modern dating has failed the church. The fact is divorce is just as high among Christians as it is with the world. I believe a major contributing factor to divorce is fornication.

 

And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. (Matthew 19:9, KJV)

 

Notice two words Jesus used: fornication and adultery. Jesus gave the cause of divorce as being fornication. The result will be that the person will committeth adultery. Fornication is sexual sins committed before marriage. Adultery is sexual sins committed during marriage. You rarely have adultery until you first have fornication. Jesus placed fornication as the cause for divorce. Adultery is not necessarily the cause for divorce. Adultery usually was preceded by fornication.

 

During Jesus day, a prospective bride swore to her virginity. If she said that she was a virgin but after marriage the husband finds out she had lied, then according to Jesus and the Law of Moses, the husband could legitimately divorce her.

 

I know what you might be thinking, The past is the past. Yes, I believe that, but what if the person claimed virginity when she was not a virgin. Then the person could not be trusted, and thus, Jesus said it was all right to divorce her because lack of trust.

 

The main cause of divorce is not what is happening during marriage but what happened before marriage. How you live as a single person, will eventually show up in your marriage. If you are a fornicator before marriage, you will more likely be an adulterer during marriage. If you remain pure before marriage, you will more likely remain pure during marriage. A sexually pure person is better prepared for marriage than a fornicator would be.

 

I know God can forgive and transform us. Mary Magdalene in the Bible proved that. I am not predicting that you will have trouble in your marriage if you messed up before marriage. At the same time, I would be lying if I told you that how you live as a single person does not have any bearing on your marriage, because it does.

 

As the Church, we try so hard to work on marriages in trouble, when we should be working just as hard on relationships before marriage. We should expect purity before marriage, just as we would expect purity during marriage.

 

Dating simply sets the stage for sin. And worse, I feel dating is so expected and sometimes, encouraged by the church, family and Christian friends, that we wonder why people fail sexually, and later, get disappointed when they fail in their marriage.

 

I know Christian parents who allow their teenagers to date. The world expects teenagers to date, so parents feel like they must go along with the world. Listen, unless a person is ready for marriage, they should not be placed in a position to perform the duties of marriage. We are not called to go along with the world. We are to be holy—pure and simple.

 

It is crazy for young fifteen, fourteen and even thirteen-year-old people to date and experience intimacy. Dating is serious business. Yet it is becoming the norm for this age group to have sex.

 

The Dating Game

 

Sex is serious. The Bible says, “Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body” (1 Cor 6:18, ASV). We are not to play near fornication, but flee it. Let’s face it: dating as it is practiced today, does not agree with this scripture. When people date, they are not fleeing fornication; instead they are flirting with it. They are seeing how close they can get to sex without actually doing it. That’s not fleeing.

 

The scriptures also says, “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute (fornicator) is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘”The two will become one flesh’ (1 Cor 6:16).” Fornication is similar to the act of marriage. When you fornicate you are acting as though you are married. You are one flesh during sex.

 

“But I’m not married.” I know. That is what makes sex before marriage so serious. One flesh union should be reserved for a husband and a wife, not your boyfriend or girlfriend.

 

Modern dating has taken something very serious that God has made and turning it into a game. You’ve seen the Dating Game, and that sums up dating: it has become a game. Dating has become a recreational activity. Yet, God says it is serious. Sex is not like playing sports or games. It is not meant to entertain you. It is meant by God to draw together two people who are in love and who have committed to spend the rest of their lives together.

 

Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. (Philippians 1:9-10 The Message Bible)

 

Real love is not sentimental gush. I know guys will say anything to get sex from their girlfriends. They will even use the famous “I love you” line to get what they want. But real love is sincere. Does the guy really love her? Is he ready to take responsibility for a child that they might conceive? Love must be sincere. Love is not selfish. If a person really loves someone, then he will make sure not to do anything, which might hurt her.

 

Love is intelligent. I know we usually do not associate love with intelligence. Hollywood makes love emotional. But God makes love intelligent. Okay, so you feel something for this guy, but use your head, not your libido.

 

Courtship places intelligence as a premium to a relationship, but dating places emotions as the prime indicator of a relationship. Courtship understands real love.

 

Dating is basically selfish. Does love motivate the guy who sleeps with his girlfriend when it will scar her emotionally and damage her relationship with God? Does love motivate the girl who leads a guy along then breaks up with him when she finds someone better?

 

Smart love looks beyond personal desires and the gratification of the moment. It looks at the big picture: glorifying God and serving others.

 

The Wrong Cart

 

Dating is not an essential part of the complete teenage experience. You can serve God better without it.

 

I can hear some people say, “Hey, Pastor, you are throwing out the baby with the bath water. The problem isn’t dating. It is self-control.” Give me a break.

 

How can we expect to exercise self-control if we constantly put ourselves in compromising situations? As I wrote earlier, my wife and I were virgins before we got married. That is not to say we were not tempted. We were. The only time we had to repent before God was when we placed ourselves in a position we should not have. We were alone in her parent’s van. They let us borrow it. After eating dinner, we headed back to Sonia’s house, only to make a detour into the woods. Mistake! We almost fell. That was the only time we placed ourselves in that kind of position.

 

I can imagine couples constantly placing themselves in compromising situations. Sooner or later, they will fall. I’m sure Sonia and I would have eventually succumbed to fornication if we had constantly placed ourselves in that kind of position. But we didn’t.

 

The problem is not lack of self-control. It is buying into the whole modern idea of dating. We are expected to be alone. We are expected to say no, when there are no safeguards that are in place. I’m suggesting that we place the safeguards in place. The best safeguard is to teach and expect our members to practice courtship.

 

When you go to the grocery store, the most important thing to do is to get a good shopping cart. Not one that has wheels constantly spinning around. You may want to go straight down the aisle, but if you are not real careful, your cart will veer off course into a can of tomatoes. You didn’t intend to hit the cans, but you started off with the wrong cart.

 

May I suggest that dating is the wrong cart to begin with? It just doesn’t work. Courtship will work.

To Listen or Ignore?

                                                   

If you read this blog, there is high probability that you are Christian and single and probably have had the latter status for sometime. So, with that being said, the other assumption is that you have had your share of advice from everyone including the random person on the streets. They may have told you how you can end your single status with these 3 easy steps (using a commercial voice).  I am also going to assume that all those advices are not the same- probably contradictory. What is a single Christian to do?

This blog is not about giving advice but my views and thoughts of the world. The reader can agree or disagree but it does not hurt to think about another’s point of view. This is the same thought process I use to address the barrage of single advice on how to be married or being fulfilled with singledom. During yet another conversation with a  single Christian friend, she expressed her confusion about what to do with all the do’s and don’t rules that are unsolicitously thrown at her. After a good laugh, actually more frustration on her part, about people’s (especially Christians) distateful intrusion into her personal life, my response was to relax!  and then find some very obviously tactless way of telling them to mind their own beeswax.

The reality is there are no hard and fast rules about dating and finding Mr/Ms Compatible. There are a number of people who have tried everything but standing on their heads in the middle of Time Square and that did not result in a long term committed relationship or at least a single bite.  There are others who did not do anything special but go to the grocery store and bump into their future spouse.  My belief is that you have to be yourself and enjoy the life God gave you. There are no guarantees that every single individual will be married much less happily married until death do they part. We cannot predict the future and worrying endlessly about it does not magically make it happen.

This is not to say that singles do not have a desire and a wish prayer for a God sanctioned long-term companionship. It is more about how one passes the time while praying and waiting. Not to make this post too meloncholy, however, I am very aware of passing time and my aging body after celebrating the big 3-0 four years ago. I am aware of the grey hairs, the creaky knees, the working out more to keep in shape, the increased trips to the doctors and realize that I am not getting back the days of being carefree and feeling ageless at 25. Heck I will not be getting back tomorrow. 

The saying that tomorrow is gone, the future is not promised so live for today is quite profound. Singles have been literally waiting for years to become a spouse and have nothing to show for it. They have stopped living for today in anticipation of tomorrow.  I suggest that the next time someone comes to you with the sure fire way of hooking a mate whether it be joining a singles club, make the first move, staying in the closet and pray,  or whatever creative ways are out there, just listen then think about who you are and what you believe in, and decide if that suggestion is right for you.

Whatever the choice that you make always remember that each day is a gift to be unwrapped. Lamentations 3: 22-23

One- Can Be A Terribly Lonely Number

A coworker disclosed to me that she had some feelings of not wanting to exist. At first I was confused because I could not fathom this very vibrant person feeling this way. However, as we chatted a bit and she explained what was going on, I completely understood and wondered how many people have similar experiences.

First, I have to make a disclaimer that being single is not inherently bad, shameful, or a curse. However, the issue that presents itself  for many singles is the loneliness. This woman was lonely and despite being involved in social activities and church, it did not and will not replace the loss of feeling important to someone. I made the mistake of thinking that people who have had lives (marriage, children) before being newly single have nothing to complain about. Afterall, they had a past experience to reminisce about. It’s the terminally single who needed to cry and complain.

Her thoughts of death came about because she did not feel needed by her adult children with families and other family members who have their families. Singles are not always shut ins with no lives, on the contrary, they have friends in the community and church  but there is the feeling that no one truly cares; you are not important to anyone anymore. The connection is not the same  as it would be if you had your own family or spouse.

I know the bible fanatics will say just believe that Jesus loves you etc… etc… However, if you are honest with yourself, Jesus is not enough when it comes to such an intimate connection. No single woman looks at Jesus like a lover/husband. If he were enough, then there would be no need for marriages, romantic relationships, and having children. The love for Jesus would take care of all those human desires.

Humans want to feel needed, special, important and loved by another human being. Most singles want to be married because they want that intimacy that comes with having a relationship with another person. For some singles, probably a large number, church is the worst place for them. This is so because the pews are filled with couples and families which are a constant reminder that they do not have that connection to another human being. Sis So & So goes home with her husband and children and you go home with… you. 

It can be very difficult to be single at times and this is something most of us will not willingly admit because it is “pathetic”. How many singles have said or felt some of these: ”If something happened to me over the weekend will anyone miss me until I did not show for work on Monday;”  It has been a long time since someone hugged you or touched you affectionately; “If I die today would anyone really care or miss me?” ”I wish someone/anyone could see the real me;” or “Can I trust anyone  to truly be there for me without feeling like a burden if something were to happen.”

It has taken years but I am beginning to recognize what a difficult burden it is to be a single individual today. Well, looking back at history it has always been a struggle ie. Ruth and Naomi story. God made Adam and Eve for a reason and it was not just to procreate. There is a special, certainly biblical, justification for one human being to feel connected to another. Think of this: a perfectly healthy baby can die without human contact; so why is it hard to fathom the desires for singles to NOT want to go through their lives alone. One is indeed a very lonely number.

How Far Is Too Far?

 picture take from http://www.marriageadviceonline.net/no-physical-intimacy

I was having a conversation with a single christian friend who is basking in the newness of a relationship with a christian man. The conversation turned to the question how far is too far to go with your partner before marriage?

The bible and every religious organization known to man has lifted up the esteems of virginity and abstinence. This is the expectation of single christians no matter the age. So having understand her (and other christian’s) desire to remain pure for her mate but mostly because the bible says so, I asked a question. So, everyone expects that the two people should grow together and get to know each other in every way but what happens to the sexual aspect? Is is supposed to remain in hibernation until the “I do?”

Oh course there is no good answer to that questions but it makes a good discussion. The chat turned to how far is too far according to the christian bible? The bible indicates that most of the women who were married did not have much or any contact with their intended. After two or so years of dating in the modern world, is a peck on the cheek the most suitable act of intimacy for a couple (young or mature)? Is genital manipulation acceptable with the understanding that the two private areas will never meet?

The difficult side to Christian human sexuality is that when we meet someone in which we have some attraction then the body starts to shout ”YES” while the mind quietly says “NO.” The longer we are committed to an individual the harder it is to remain chase and pure in the biblical sense of the word. In today’s society, asking the ‘too far’ question is very legitimate because of our  more liberated lifestyles. Most adults live alone which affords the right moments to happen without intention. We spend time with our love interest alone versus in the company of others who could be hall monitors of our behaviors. We just simply have more opportunities for an innocent gesture to become a moment of unbridled or my new word ‘prebridal’ passion.

I have already posted my views on singular masturbation but, when it comes to the involvement of someone else then that makes things a little grey. Adults are very conscientious that sex is much more than joining together of genitals (hence, President Clinton’s initial declaration was very bogus). According to the bible and scientific research, it all starts in the brain and thoughts before the first physical contact. So, I must ask then what would be considered appropriate?

How far is too far’ is according to each couple and what they have discussed, before being placed in that inevitable situation, as acceptable levels of intimacy. They both need to agree what will give them the sense that they have not sinned before God and against each other, but on the other hand also have helped them to grow in their intimate relationship. Needless to say, there was no one-size-fits-all solution. My friend has a more conservative view than I about such things. I simply believe that I am too old to play the coy skittish teenage girl anymore; however, I do believe if a couple choose to not be satisfied with a peck on the cheek and go for a particular goal with their Christian mates, then make sure to discuss and agree on how far is appropriate before hand.  

What’s your view on this issue?

Navigating The Dating Mind-field

Dating is the necessary evil that single Christians have to go through to find that person of your dreams or run into the person of your nightmares. I find it a “necessary evil” because I absolutely hate dating. The idea of starting over with someone new for each first date is as exciting as going for a pap smear.

The complaint of most single Christians past the age of 30 is that there is a shortage, specifically for women, of mates in the church. Because places like bars and clubs are out, then that leaves meeting someone during your daily activity or taking your chances with online dating.  

The mind-field starts with finding the date. As a Christian woman who is ready to settle down, I have started making somewhat of an active effort to meet Christian men. I have changed churches a few times in the last couple years hoping that a new church (same denomination) would result in an eligible bachelor. However, I keep coming up empty-handed because there is nobody on the market. So I decided to expand my options and tried internet dating twice for a one month stretch each time. I realized that I am just not the internet type of person. This was a process that was too artificial for me. The first person I met chastised me about eating my vegetable and did not fully pay for the meal. The next person seemed to have potential but it turned out that he had major self-esteem issues. He had to go and my internet dating experience was definitely over!

So I decided to join a social group. I figure I could have fun and possibly meet some guy who shared a social interest as myself. Well, that came up empty-handed but I had and is still having fun with the group.  I decided to follow-up with my own personal  interest in hopes that this would open some opportunities but so far nada.

Needless to say, this finding an eligible Christian bachelor is not going too well for me and it can be a little frustrating when I do get around to thinking about it. When I was in college, I first heard the term”missionary dating.” My understanding is that a Christian would date someone non-Christian and convert the person while having a relationship with him/her. Sounds interesting! The problem is I do not have the patience for all that. I am looking for someone who already comes qualified in the field of Christianity. I am sure you are saying good luck with that.

The unequally yoked warning in the bible is there for a reason. For  me, unequally yoked could also be with Christians of differing beliefs. I already know what I am getting into with a non-Christian but when it comes to another Christian from a different denomination then there is a battle of the belief system. I once dated someone who said he was Christian and went to church but when I brought up abstinence and boundaries in dating he openly scoffed and proclaimed that he had been sexually active since he was a teen. Actually, he was ready to get into the sack from the word go!

There are a few things that I know is very important in a guy and if it is not there then it is a deal breaker. The guy has to be Christian with compatible beliefs as mine.  He needs to be able to keep it in his pants. In the past, I had gotten off the abstinence bandwagon and when it was all over I recognized just how important it is and the true purpose of waiting until marriage.

Singles constantly ask how do I find Mr/Ms Right? You can read every singles magazine or play every rule in the book but it’s just about timing. Because we are dating does not mean we are dating the right person. There are no trick to finding Mr/Ms Compatible. I think it truly is divine intervention to find the person who connects with you and that is not something that can be rushed or put on a schedule. It however helps to put oneself “out there” because he or she does not usually knock on your door.

Book recommendation: I read a very interesting book a few years ago and do agree with the advice from the two male christian counselor perspective: Boundaries In Dating by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend.