The Gym-My Offending Eyes

There is something quite dangerous about being single in these sexually charged times. Back in the Puritanical and horribly uptight days, people dressed and behaved modestly. There were hardly any exposed body parts that could incite anyone’s imagination. There were no such things as ‘eye candy.’

In those days, such modesty and innocence were truly a blessing. The bible talks about plucking out an eye that could lead a person to evil. I is reasonable to infer that the verse was making reference to lusting, envy etc. I do have to say that if the bible was literal about removing the offending body part, then I would be blind many times over .

The place that does create such a dilemma   is none other than the gym. It is a smorgasbord of hard bodies, good-looking men trying to make themselves look even better. Unfortunately, my offending eyes can’t seem to stop staring . It never occurred to me how much we all let it hang out at the gym-as little clothing as possible and everyone is showing off their best bodies. There is something about seeing good looking men work so hard (because the average man tend to do much less at home). I became aware (in my single-minded universe) that I was NOT the only woman who made note (but not ogling) of these men performing incredible feats, on contraptions like the pull up bar, quite alluring.

The funny thing about all that lust floating around in the gym is that each person-married, single or dating has equal opportunity eye candy time. Yes, it’s all about the eye candy. In the real world, most of us would not be given a 2nd glance but in the gym all is fair in people watching.  This is the one place in which no one cares about the marital status of the visually appealing specimens. I can not speak on the behalf of the men in this situation-because I barely take note of the women in the gym but I would think that they too may have issues with their eyes.

So, with this seemingly harmless place providing a table full of lustful delicacies, should Christians avoid gyms? Can we take it one step further and ban all Christians from men swim meet, body building competitions and anything that harbours a group of good-looking, well-build bodies dressed in outfits that leaves everything to the imagination? Is the ballet just downright pornographic????

If Your Mate Offends You, Then

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The Christians who are familiar with their bible should see the direction in which I am heading with this post titled ”If your mate offends you, then.” This is a variation on the theme of Matt. 18: 8-9 in which Jesus made statements that if something offends you then  cut it (him/her) loose. Harder said than done isn’t it?

I was having a discussion with a male coworker who made the statement that he does not understand why bad men always get together with good women and treat them badly. I promptly responded that men are allowed to behave badly because the women practice the 70 x 7 forgiveness concept. This is when a woman of good character continues to forgive and accept a mate with bad behaviors. The results of this 70 x 7 forgiveness concept are the bad behaviors continue and the offending partner never learns consequences due to ”sparing the rod and spoiling the child.”

Disclaimer: This is not a male bashing post. The bad behaviors are practiced by both men and women; however, men seem to be the offending partner most of the time while the women are more accepting of bad behaviors.

The male coworker was also speaking from experience. He too had been one of those men and it took years before he finally realized the error of his ways. Even though he had been married for over 20 something years to his now deceased wife, he had given her hell for most of those years. A lesson to be learned is that a large number of marriages are never always pretty from the inside!

Men/women who behave badly did not just wake up one day and became relationship terrorists. They displayed these behaviors right after the first few ‘get to know you’ dates were over. So, if a woman sees these things early in the relationship, then why does she continue to choose the bumpy, crying, upset, angry road? Is being single such a death sentence? Is it better to be coupled with trouble than to be single?

Being in a bad relationship is like playing the slots machine (do they still call them slots?). The person with character can rely on intermittent winnings and she continues to hold on to hope that every play will win her the jackpot for life. However, the issue with gambling is, the players will always lose more over time in comparison to what they have ‘won.’

Women are so accepting of the ‘hanging in there’ idea to the point in which their spirits are damaged in the process. For some, it is damaged beyond repair and for others it takes lots of mending. So why not cut loose the offending party? Why torture yourself with someone whom you know perpetually and intentionally offends you? Well, like the parable of the offending hand and eye, the offenders serve a purpose. The offending party serves as a self-esteem booster because you are not single like those other pathetic people; the offending party provides a sense of comfort in which occasionally the person can be reliable; the offending party gives the sense that you are not completely alone in life; and the offending party is the evil that you know.

The good character women/men are NOT  victims. They are willing participants in this heartbreaking cycle. They still have enough strength to be able to handle the crap that is thrown at them. Their spirits are not defeated as yet.  I told my coworker that these ‘bad guys’ have life quite easy. They know that there are always women out there  willing to put up with their foolishness. This means the bad guy does not care that he leaves a trail of broken spirits behind because there is always one more waiting.

As women, we allow bad behaviors from men. We allow ourselves to be abused physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally because of a lack of self-confidence and unstable self-esteem. As Christian women, God gives us something else to rely on in order to draw confidence and self-worth; however, the pressure of being married to or in a relationship with someone (good or bad) outweighs the big picture.

New Year No Resolutions

For this new year’s eve, a dear friend and I went out to enjoy the festivities. Our last-minute venue of choice turned out to be with a group of people who were much much older than us and the band that was playing could use some good singers. Nevertheless, it was a night to remember, not because of the heavy drinking and partying (which there was none) but just the experience. Who can beat a good laugh.

As is customary, people make new years resolution. As is customary for me, I refuse to make any resolutions. Usually, my journal starts with Happy New Year (insert year) may this year be filled with Blessings or some such sentiments. It is not that I do not believe in resolutions but for some reason this year I decided to take things as it comes. I have found that any minor/major wish at the beginning of the year never quite come to fruition or it looks grossly distorted by Dec 31. I just might be cursed or something.

This year did not start with a hopeful bang but as I thank God for each day, I have decided to be more open and flexible (I think I might have said that last year too). I guess when you get older life seems to repeat itself and not always the good things. Last year, I moved across country, dumped a career that was emotionally draining, was unemployed way longer than expected, turn down a somewhat idealish job for one that has turned out to be wayyy below expectations in every sense of the word BUT I am still thankful to be employed, alive, and had only one loss in the family.

Again, nothing turned out the way I expected it to be… Nada. So with that kind of track record, I have decided to let God do His best or worst. People keep writing, quoting and shouting that God is in charge and He knows what’s best etc etc etc. So instead of making any concrete plans for the near or far future, I have decided that I will let go and see what happens this year. By nature, I am a planner, organizer and like things to go in a certain order. I figure that all my planning has not paid off in the ways I expected so giving up the reigns may show some improvement.

 

 

I do have to be honest that I don’t fully trust that God will do any better to make this year rosier. I believe that he has the power to make all things bright and beautiful (taken from a song) but that is not always the case (Connecticut massacre right before Christmas). Yes! yes! I know the die-hard Christians will say I don’t have enough faith even as big as a mustard seed (bible reference) so what do I expect. Well that’s the thing, I have no expectation for the worst or the better. I am in the frame of mind that ‘que sera sera’ what ever he wants it to be will be-good, bad, pretty or ugly.

This is the year of one day at a time with minimal expectation. Who knows- by the end of the year (God’s will I am still alive and well) I will be back in church full time or further down the path of separation and therefore destruction.

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND MAY THIS YEAR BE FILLED WITH MANY BLESSINGS AND BETTER THAN THE LAST

 

Single + Single ≠ A Match

I was dragged to church today but not kicking and screaming; however, I was grumbling a bit . Despite the rocky start, I can admit that the service was good and the singing was fabulous. The pastor talked about releasing the sinful behaviors that create chains which anchor us to the devil. I am introspective so I know my sinful behaviors, the things that I go back to, and the things that I am a bit reluctant to let go off (and let God, so to speak). However, since this is a being christian and single navigation blog, I will get to the part that is singles related.

There were two incidents in church that just rubbed me the wrong way as a single and somewhat-Christian woman. The first was a young woman giving a thank-God-life-has-been-good-and-God-gave-me-everything-I-wanted-testimony. I have to say I do like those God did good things for me messages. Her testimony included being married and pregnant in the same year. Great for her!! (and I mean it sincerely). However, in the next breath (here is the thing that irritated me) she went on to say, in hopes of being encouraging, that God should be our all. He is all we need for a partner, for love, comfort etc. In essence, God should be the ‘it’ of our lives and those who did not get what they wanted should be okay with just God.

While I understand the importance of God in a Christian’s life, I do take offence to those people who first pointed out that they wanted more than just God and got it; however, for the rest of us poor single nonpregnant people, we should be satisfied with only God. The hypocrisy is so glaring that it makes you want to scream “you would not be saying that if you didn’t get_____.” It is almost like a poor you sucker message. God gave me my mate and a family but since you are not as fortunate then God is all you need. I don’t know if people are that insensitive because they are self-absorbed or they are trying, but failing badly, to give hope to others. Either way, just stick to your praise and testimony and shut the hell up if you don’t know what to say to those who were not so abundantly blessed.

The second issue that came up in church was the pastor assumption that because two people are single then they will naturally make a good match. If becoming coupled was as easy as 1-2-3, then we would all be in long and happy marriages. The pastor’s mistake is a common one that many people (especially those that are coupled) tend to perpetuate. There is this prevailing assumption that 1 + 1 will =2. Obviously, there is more to making a good connection with someone than their marital status-this is something many single people are very aware of from their relationship misadventures.

A single status is only one criteria when a Christian single is searching for a mate. Being single, as a friend points out, does NOT mean available. It is always sarcastically amusing when someone you know tells you that she knows this person who is single and you two should get together. The next question is ‘tell me about him/her’. The reply usually goes along these lines: s/he is a nice person but I don’t know that much about person X except that s/he is single. This is the what the ****** moment. So what your misguided friend or family is saying is that I am desperate to be with anyone because I am single! I am not implying that these random get togethers could not work out (probably the same percentage as internet dating) but the idea that just because we are two single people then we are bound to hitting-it-off. Really!!!! I say again really!!!!!

The older Christian single status is a very tricky place to navigate. If church people are not being condescending, then they are trying to get you coupled. It is hard to tell church members to piss-off but instead you graciously grin and bear these subtle insults which are wrapped in well-meaning intentions (or not).  The best defense is to try and find the humor in silly situations like these. I recognize these faux pas  frequency could cause a Christian single to momentarily forget her lady-like manners and say something very unchristian  . I do believe that most singles can express themselves quite clearly and if we need your opinions or blind interventions, we can speak up about that too.

Loving Someone Else’s Child

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Celebrities are becoming the poster children for adoption and infertility treatments. Both methods are aimed at one thing – becoming a parent. As many women age and are childless, they are faced with some serious decision making. If they are not able to produce on their own then what’s the next step? Can they stomach the idea of being a parent to another woman’s child?

In the case of a reality tv couple who chronicled their lives of trying to get pregnant naturally then  starting fertility treatments, then the woman was diagnosed with cancer  and treated, and ultimately giving up that aspect of the pregnancy fight and moving to surrogacy. Does it all seem a bit too much? I recognize that many people want to have a biological offspring as genetic posterity but what is so wrong with learning to love a child that is not genetically connected to you? The burden of getting pregnant is put on the woman and therefore she will put her body and mind through quite a bit in order to say I was pregnant and produced - is this a part of the female claiming her womanly identity? Is there a difference between loving your genetic offspring versus a child from someone else?

For the women who are not able to produce their own for whatever reason, their decisions to become mothers or mother figures are available. There is the surrogacy route with someone else’s genetic material, there is fostering children, there is adoption, and there is stepmothering. For the women who have chosen the non-genetic route, I applaud them for being able to look beyond the biological and find it in their hearts to learn to love someone else’s child. It is definitely not an easy task for some women, especially the ones who have dreamt about being pregnant and giving birth to their own.

This world has room for all sorts of good mothers who are willing to take the challenge. It could just be my bias regarding the situation but when it comes down to the gist of things, being a mother has nothing to do with biology. It has everything to do with a women’s capability to love. Because someone is genetically attached does not mean an automatic feeling of unconditional love and care towards the child that your birthed. Too many egg donors are doing irreversible damage to their ‘own.’ Women who make statements that they could not love anyone else’s child are the sort of women who should never have the opportunity of motherhood. Their love is only conditional. Back in the day when a village did raise a child, it was the responsibility of all the adults to become surrogate parents to the young ones. Instead, in this day and age, there is a systematic ‘us’ and ‘them’ when it comes to looking out for the innocent.

Mother’s day is coming up and many of us have been fortunate to have been raised by wonderful mothers-biological or adopted. The point is mother’s day celebrates all “good” mothers no matter what route they took to get to that point.

Mating Scene For Christians

A new relationship is always an exciting thing. Each person is discovering the other and everything is brighter and the air smells sweeter and the birds are chirping and so on. The couple is happy.  It is not unusual for the happy couple to want to spend time with each other. Actually that is a splendid idea. There is absolutely nothing wrong with two people in a relationship. The problem is how do many Christians actually move from the single stage to the mating stage?

Relationships for Christians can be a tricky venture. Churches are notoriously lacking in the potential for mates and all the other options are not conducive for a religious pairing. I have no clue what it’s like to try to pick up someone (or be picked up) at a club or bar because those are not and have never been my venues of choice. Internet dating is definitely not my things as I have mentioned in previous posts. So what’s a single Christian to do in order to get back into the dating scene?

One viable answer is to become active in your life. No I don’t mean more active in the safety of your church but outside. You know - out there in the big world. Most of us are so used to a routine of going to work, going to family, friends and church. We have eliminated the rest of the world and the activities that have the potential of opening more mate options. I realize that some Christians will advocate for praying and the Lord will provide. However, there is also the idea that God will not bring a man or woman to your doorsteps (at least for most of us).  The wonderful thing about getting back into the mating scene is that you have the opportunity to discover more about your interests and finding something new. Getting out into the world gives you more to share with a potential mate than being locked away at home.

Most people are also very afraid of doing things by themselves. I guess it is the fear of looking stupid or pathetic. Well looking like a pathetic single or stupid had never killed anyone. Doing things by yourself can seem daunting but it takes practice. If that is just not for you, then joining a small activities group. The internet has information for various groups such as Meetup.com or joining travelling groups or some kind of group that pushes you outside your comfort zone.  Even if you do not meet someone, it’s  still an adventure. For me, one of my adventures over the years was doing a Mexican Riviera cruise with one such activity group. No I did not meet anyone but I do have the pictures to prove that I had fun and definitely discovered new things that I would love to engage in again. The funny thing is that I had never really wanted to visit Mexico or go on a ship but I figured that ’why not.’ I had absolutely no reason to not do it. It was also on that trip where my indoor rock climbing (which I got into from another social group activity) came in very handy in the real world . Good times.

I have noticed that my comfort zone is my worst enemy at times. I have my moments when I do step out and do a lot of new things and there are other times  I stay in and have no interest otherwise.  I don’t think  that being single is the bad luck of the draw but in order to change that status we have to work towards that as a goal – not just a mate finding single-minded goal but living while looking goal.

In Search Of The Elusive LOVE

 

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Faith, hope and love. The greatest of all these is love. The feeling of love is not something you can touch, smell or see; however, it seems as essential as air and at some point we all start looking for it. Take for instant, a 30-something non-Christian friend shared with me that she is getting older and is ready to be married, to find a companion. Rewind a year or so ago and she did not want such a commitment at all. She was happy with long-term boyfriends who could provide sex and companionship when needed.  But something changed for her as it seem to do for almost everyone. She has started to said “I love you” and now wants someone who can say it back.

Some singles knew from the day puberty hit that they want LOVE and all the bells and whistles while others discover this later. Either way they all end up at the same place, needing something that seems slightly out of reach. It defies my understanding as to how something so essential can be so elusive. It is beginning to be apparent that love is not something you want but need. If God requires such a thing from us, is it really surprising that we need it from each other? 

There is a certain sense of security and safety that comes with giving and receiving love. It makes you feel whole, special and above all blessed. It makes us do extraordinary things like Jesus dying on a cross. The love I refer to is not the crazy, blind, foolishly obsessive type which many seem to confuse for the real thing. There is no such thing as ‘love is blind.’ A person need to understand the behaviors that results from love with their eyes, ears and senses wide open (1 Corin 13).

Within the recent years, there is a clearer understanding of the desperation of the single person to find ‘the one.’ It is not just about marriage or companionship but what comes with it-being with someone who cares for you as much as or even more than themselves. It’s about sharing love.  How many of us will actually find it with a partner? or settle with good enough because the clock is ticking? It seems like such a mockery. For something that is intangible, you can’t buy it with money and it is supposedly all-around, then why is it so many continue to cry that they can’t find love.

Obsession With The Wedding Not The Marriage

The royal wedding fever is now history and so is the frenzy surrounding the wedding day. This event is a more public example of how many women dreamed of, obsessed, excessively planned and glamorize a one day event for most of their lives-the wedding day.

There is a universal understanding that this is an extremely important day for many and most people hope to do it only once.  For a full week or more, the television had one program or another with the late Princess Diana’s wedding and every commentator had something wonderful to say about the day; however, it occurred to me that, like many women, they gave minor attention to the marriage (which we all know was a disaster).  The dismal truth is most women will put every ounce of effort into making those few hours ‘perfect’ and ’magical’ but give the marriage an after thought.  Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

The marriage, no matter what kind of wedding a couple experiences, should have more priority. How is it possible for a wedding obsessed woman to describe every specific details she wants for that day but have difficulty describing characteristics she wants in a husband? Like the Windsor family, the US is rocked by a staggering number of divorces for one usually stupid reason or another and these numbers are not improving.  Maybe, just maybe, marriages would be happier if the couple put at least half of their energy into making a “perfect” marriage as they did with the “perfect” wedding. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman wanting a princess type wedding or planning it for most of her life. It would also be nice for most singles to be equally focused on the reality and expectations of being in a long-term committed marriage. No matter what kind of wedding a woman plans, it requires even much more harder work to keep a marriage going and it is not always a fairy tale.

“I Married My Best Friend”

“Best Friends Are People That Know All About You And Still Put Up With Your Crap” (copied image)

I quickly found out how that phrase ‘let’s be friends first’ causes a man to run quickly as if you told him you had an STI. The speculation is that a man of lesser quality and intentions would interpret this statement as ‘she won’t put out so let me find someone else who will.’ This usually helps with the weeding out process. Being very logical, it escapes my understanding as to why this sentiment implies something bad versus something good. I look at the qualities that are important in a friend and even much more in a best friend and believes that it would be wonderful for a partner to hold that status.

I understand that when someone uses the ‘friend’ word it connotes exactly that-a friendship. However, because most of us are mature adults, we need to find our grown up explanation and let the other person know exactly what you mean by friendship. The interesting thing is most couples, who have weathered the storms and continue with a long and fulfilling relationship, always say that they each married their best friend. So, in the context of finding a good partner, telling someone of a romantic interest that  you want a solid level of friendship is a good thing.

I automatically pull the “friendship” request and explain what I am talking about as an initial test for potential suitors. The moment he makes any objections, versus trying to have me clarify what I fully mean, puts him automatically on the suspicious list. It makes me wonder what is it he is looking for? Does he want the precious goods? Is he trying to jump into a relationship too quickly? Is he serious about being long-term?

Some might say, during the dating phase, it’s important to lighten up and don’t make snap judgment. Instead just relax and enjoy. Even though I understand that premise, it is not suitable for me. I have had my fun and was not looking for anything remotely serious during my younger years. However, these days, if I am planning to go shopping, then I intend to buy!

Maybe it is a side effect of getting older and hopefully wiser but the people I allow in my life are those whom I believe I can trust. If a single Christian is seeking a partner, then knowing that the person you choose really does understand your crap and love you even so much more for it. The point is at some juncture during a relationship each person should be able to look at his/her potential partner and know that he/she is a best friend.

Voice-Over For God: S/He Is The One

 

 

Living in the Christian world exposes you to all sort of “supernatural” tales from church members. Because we believe in something unseen but all-powerful, Christians are more likely to believe certain things. I do believe in miracles, divine intervention and God’s leading-afterall, the bible is full of such tales.

I and many Christians are used to hearing someone say, ‘God told me….’ I never challenge such a statement because it’s not my business until the thing that God seem to have instructed sounds more like that person’s own thoughts or desires. For example, a single Christian friend of mine, who is pining for a man who has not given her any true hint of desire for her, believes that God told her that she should continue to wait for this man. She has been ‘waiting’ for this man to throw her a bone for 3 years.  Or I have heard, if God didn’t want me to be with this person, then He would not have sent him/her to me. Now my question is how do you know it’s God’s voice?

An intense desire (for anything) can create an intense preoccupation. That preoccupation can lead to seeing excuses why going after that desire is appropriate and fully sanctioned by God. Desperate singles are not immune in any way. Ending loneliness can seem like an insurmountable burden to bear, and if there is a ‘way out’ or a glimmer of hope, then most people will take it and justify their actions. Christians unintentionally may start doing voice-overs for God which can be hard to prove because a good church goer does not want to challenge God.

Most of us have said a prayer close to this “God if you don’t want me to [fill in the blanks] then remove this temptation from me.” However, when you open your eyes the temptation is still there, so the conclusion is God approves. God’s voice is definitely a private matter and if He has not made his point clear in one way; I am sure He’ll shout it out loud in another.