The Prayer of Comfort

In the recent week, there had been two mass casualty events –  the Boston bombing and the fertilizer plant explosion in Texas. Most Christians will point to these things as the ‘sign of the times’ or ‘Jesus is near.’ Other radicals will point to this as America’s punishment for sins. People will use tragedy to further their cause – pro/against guns, closing the borders, hate another religion, blame the government etc. However, the average Christian, who have picked up a bible at some point in their lives will understand the power of prayer.

Despite my sabbatical from direct religious involvement, I do understand the power of prayer. Prayer not for the lost or that the world will become suddenly peaceful but prayer for strength to continue despite all the madness. I realize that whether someone blames God or praises God the truth is we have no power to change or stop things from happening. The only power we possess is the ability to gather our strength and whatever faith you have and move forward.

It’s interesting that people in other countries live with similar tragedies on a regular basis-which is sad when you think of it. For us, who have a somewhat peaceful enough existence, such craziness is very hard to fathom. In moments like these, it is easy to lose oneself in despair but for the Christians who believe in something more, then there is at least a slight glimmer of hope for some inner peace because of our beliefs.

No matter what the level of one’s faith or church attendance, prayer is a free and open line to God. It is usually the easiest tool to use in a Christian’s arsenal to bolster us when the world becomes more crazy than usual. We have the ability to pray for the families affected by both tragedies and the tool to pray that a whole city come together to help each other. Despite the US fight against public declaration of Christianity, one of the first things that people tend to do is pray and call on the local religious leader for spiritual strength. I guess it would be fair to say that the US has become closet Christians who are only allowed out in public after tragedies. Whatever the status, it is good to see that active or dormant Christians have not forgotten the power of prayer.

 

 

 

If Your Mate Offends You, Then

 copied image

The Christians who are familiar with their bible should see the direction in which I am heading with this post titled ”If your mate offends you, then.” This is a variation on the theme of Matt. 18: 8-9 in which Jesus made statements that if something offends you then  cut it (him/her) loose. Harder said than done isn’t it?

I was having a discussion with a male coworker who made the statement that he does not understand why bad men always get together with good women and treat them badly. I promptly responded that men are allowed to behave badly because the women practice the 70 x 7 forgiveness concept. This is when a woman of good character continues to forgive and accept a mate with bad behaviors. The results of this 70 x 7 forgiveness concept are the bad behaviors continue and the offending partner never learns consequences due to ”sparing the rod and spoiling the child.”

Disclaimer: This is not a male bashing post. The bad behaviors are practiced by both men and women; however, men seem to be the offending partner most of the time while the women are more accepting of bad behaviors.

The male coworker was also speaking from experience. He too had been one of those men and it took years before he finally realized the error of his ways. Even though he had been married for over 20 something years to his now deceased wife, he had given her hell for most of those years. A lesson to be learned is that a large number of marriages are never always pretty from the inside!

Men/women who behave badly did not just wake up one day and became relationship terrorists. They displayed these behaviors right after the first few ‘get to know you’ dates were over. So, if a woman sees these things early in the relationship, then why does she continue to choose the bumpy, crying, upset, angry road? Is being single such a death sentence? Is it better to be coupled with trouble than to be single?

Being in a bad relationship is like playing the slots machine (do they still call them slots?). The person with character can rely on intermittent winnings and she continues to hold on to hope that every play will win her the jackpot for life. However, the issue with gambling is, the players will always lose more over time in comparison to what they have ‘won.’

Women are so accepting of the ‘hanging in there’ idea to the point in which their spirits are damaged in the process. For some, it is damaged beyond repair and for others it takes lots of mending. So why not cut loose the offending party? Why torture yourself with someone whom you know perpetually and intentionally offends you? Well, like the parable of the offending hand and eye, the offenders serve a purpose. The offending party serves as a self-esteem booster because you are not single like those other pathetic people; the offending party provides a sense of comfort in which occasionally the person can be reliable; the offending party gives the sense that you are not completely alone in life; and the offending party is the evil that you know.

The good character women/men are NOT  victims. They are willing participants in this heartbreaking cycle. They still have enough strength to be able to handle the crap that is thrown at them. Their spirits are not defeated as yet.  I told my coworker that these ‘bad guys’ have life quite easy. They know that there are always women out there  willing to put up with their foolishness. This means the bad guy does not care that he leaves a trail of broken spirits behind because there is always one more waiting.

As women, we allow bad behaviors from men. We allow ourselves to be abused physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally because of a lack of self-confidence and unstable self-esteem. As Christian women, God gives us something else to rely on in order to draw confidence and self-worth; however, the pressure of being married to or in a relationship with someone (good or bad) outweighs the big picture.

Angry with God

                             (copied image from: toholdnothing.blogspot.com)

 

I have to thank a commenter on making me think about that very dreadful feeling of “anger” when it comes to God. I have posted quite a few thing in regards to the Christian Deity but never have I admitted to ever being angry. Why is that?

I would venture to say that using the phrase “angry with God” is equivalent to “I don’t believe in God.” I was taught to never be angry with God or at least never to say it out loud. Most Christians are the same way. When tragedy strikes God-fearing people, they will become angry at everyone else but when it comes to their feelings towards God, they are more subdued or suppressed.

When someone admits to such a strong feeling towards the Creator, then another Christian will quickly squash that thought because ‘you can’t be angry with God.’ Ummmm…. Why can’t I be angry with God? Afterall, it is one of those natural feelings even the bible says that God exhibited. Jesus was not mildly perturbed by the money changers in the temple, he was pissed and even became physical. So, if this is a feeling two of the Godhead can express, then why can’t a Christian be angry but not just angry – angry with God?

We are taught that God controls everything and therefore when something good happens we say thanks. So does it stand to reason that when something bad happens we can be angry with HIM? Or is that against the Christian-God rules governing our relationship?

Well here is my truth. I have been angry with, disappointed with, frustrated with, happy with, and thankful to God. I have experienced a gamut of emotions all pointed towards the Big Guy In-Charge. I have expectations of God and when I don’t see them then I experience those unpleasant emotions. I have not quit waiting on God for some thing. However, for the most part, I just chose to continue to make the best choices and if God wants something else from me then he is certainly  capable of letting me know. If I am on the right track, then he is still certainly capable of letting me know that too.

I have also quit listening to people who will say – if you STOP and wait for God… or  if you GO then God will…. The last time I checked God was OMNI-(add various suffix) and He will do what He will do. Afterall, if a God can have  someone swallowed by a whale and use the animal like a maritime vessel; a donkey talked to convey some pretty important message; the sun stood still and the universe did not go crashing in on itself; and the dead lived again then, He is certainly capable of handling me being pissed at Him every now and then.

I am even peeved at God sometimes for allowing the devil to have so much power to create so much misery. It’s like a parent allowing a spoiled child to run loose and create havoc before addressing the issue. So Yes!!! I do get angry with God and like most relationships I get over it until the next time.

God Is Not Completly Flatlined

First off, I have to send condolences to the families of the victims in the Newtown school tragedy. It has become so frequent to hear of monsters or agents of evil who obviously want to commit suicide but deciding to kill  others before doing the right thing and killing themselves.

Whenever children are involved in these horrors, it makes the tragedy even more heart wrenching. Children are young and innocent. The bible says that we have to be like a child to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. This childlike state is in reference to their innocence-something we seem to lose as we age or when touched by the ugliness of this world.  The survivors are forever marred by such an event. It saddens me to know that many of those children will have emotional scars for a very long time. This should not be the life for the young and the innocent.

As I listened to President Obama’s somber and tearful speech, I made note of one very interesting thing he said. He refered to a passage in the bible “May God bless the memory of the victims and, in the words of Scripture, heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds.” I have to say I was blown away by this because of the downward spiral of the religious state of the country.

There are times, it seem, that every religious related thing is haggled over, judged, sent into court bla bla bla and then censored. However, to hear the leader of the free world quoting the bible and not having a bunch of non christians or non religious people threatening to file suit, it was refreshing. I can imagine how his speech writers might have had a heart attack and tried to discuss the negatives of referencing the bible.

There is some hope that despite all the craziness in this world God can be used in an appropriate context by politicians and that America has not flatlined God. It is nice to see a blip on the radar coming from those in power-there is some hope that God is not completely dead in the free world.

Bystander Effect – Being a Good Samaritan

My daily life is very unremarkable. My current job is  very dull, going to the gym is repetitive, and coming home does not hold much excitement either. So ,when something remarkable happens, then you have to decide whether you want to pass it by or jump in.

It so happened that on one of those unremarkable days I left the gym early because “I was not feeling the need to workout.” On my way home, I came to an accident that probably just happened a few minutes before I arrived. Cars were steaming and one was on fire (a small fire that was put out), car parts were strewn across the 4 lane road and a few people were on their cell phones while one or two ran over to the car that was in the middle of the road.

Like myself, many people pulled off to the side of the road and waited. I was not sure what I was waiting for… I decided after a few moments that I would just drive by because it seemed that a number of people “appeared” to be stopping to help. Just to interject a little social psychology, the thought that when multiple people witness an incident,  each person expects that the next individual would do something ie. call the cops, go to help etc is called the bystander effect. This phrase came from the Kitty Genovese murder that happened in the 60′s in which people heard her cries for help but no one called 911 because each person assumed his/her neighbour already called. Here I was looking at a recent accident and implementing the bystander effect – ‘surely someone else will stop to help these people so I don’t have to.’

Most of us know the parable of the good Samaritan. Most of us know that a few people stopped, gawked and walked by because they did not think it was their job to get involved. I understand quite well the feeling of not wanting to get involved – frankly it disrupts my day, it  can be very time-consuming, and then again you never know what you may get into.

That day, which was quickly turning into a dark evening as well as the fact that I was feeling tired and wanted to get home before it was dark (I hate driving at night), I decided that walking by was not the right thing to do. I decided to play the role of the good Samaritan along with a few other people. The decision became clear when at the moment I realized that most people actually stopped to gawk but never left their cars (bystander effect) and the other car involved in the accident had a person trapped inside. I just could not pass by; I needed to become involved.

Needless to say that once I got to the car with a 60 yr old woman with multicolored hair who was trapped and in pain, the issues of driving at night, feeling too tired or loss of personal time was not an issue. It was all about this woman who needed the help of strangers and few of us answered her call. It was quite moving to see the support that people can give to each other in times of crisis.

I really can’t say that I made a difference at the scene when I suggested that they use her blanket to cover her or when I decided to put her glasses back on her face because I thought she might need to see (I wear glasses so I understood the importance of seeing).  I acknowledge that my role was very insignificant; however, I would do it all over again because for that moment in time, someone else needed my support and full attention. It was not all about me and my needs.

I received no medals of commendations or pats on the back or anything such things (except for a few Facebook friends’ kind words); I slipped away from the scene when I was sure she was in good hands with the first responders. Choosing to become involved in someone else’s life is a risky venture. In this day and age, being a good Samaritan can get you killed and sometimes by the person you are trying to help. Thank God, that in this case, multicoloured-hair grandmother (who looked a lot  younger than her age of 60) did not appear to suffer any life threatening injuries and everyone who stopped to help did not meet with any harm. All in all, it was a good moment to choose to be a good Samaritan.

Good Mothers Endurance and Love

It is Mother’s Day and I have already called and wished my mother a happy mother’s day. I also texted three other mothers and wish them the same sentiments. Let’s talk about the endurance that is required of a good mother. When I refer to a good mother, I am distinguishing between the egg donors and the women who put a great deal of effort into raising her children. The good mother is a thankless calling most often than not. They have to put in at least 18 years overtime of nurturing, worrying and their hearts and souls into a person who does not always recognize their effort.

Good mothers make sacrifices of which we are not always aware. Their main focus and priority is their children. They give unconditional love with a hope they will get something in return but deep down they know that it does not always turn out that way. Good mothers do not regret being mothers at all. They get sad when they are disappointment in their children but never regret. They still show an enormous amount of love for the child who did not turn out emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually ‘perfect.’ The good mother gives almost everything but does not ask for much in return except for her child to live a good and happy life (and remember she exists more than two times out of the year).

Children can be ungrateful, bitchy, little and sometimes not so little brats and bastards. Growing up we give our mothers grief, back talk, some amount of disrespect, believe that we know more, believe that we don’t need her and believe that life would be better if she was not around to care meddle about your life.

From the beginning, the task of mothering came with a tall order. She had to do all the diaper changes, keeping you from electrocuting, poisoning yourself and all sorts of danger because of a baby’s fascination with something new. She attended to your feedings and worries if you feel ‘a little hot’ on the forehead. She had to chase after you every time you decided to explore a new territory away from her safety zone. She had to deal with first days of schools, new friends and recent enemies anxieties.

She had to especially restrain herself during the ’I want to slap the shit out of you’ stage called puberty and teenage dramahood. She had to endure attitude changes and watch her child growing up and away. She had to endure a change in the relationship from “mummy mummy I need you” to “I am okay mother, I can do this by myself.” She had to endure you leaving her side to go live your life as an adult. She had to endure not feeling any control and powerless to do things for you when aspects of your life had not gone according to plan. She will continue to endure being a mother in whatever capacity you allow her to be as long as she lives.

Mothers have to endure a great deal of things that we do not understand until either we are in her position as a mother or we are able to reflect on what a pain in the ass we were as children. A good mother is an awesome woman that we often take for granted more than we should but she does not always complain. Thank God for Mother’s Day because it is a reminder that there was a woman who made the choice to do some very wonderful things for us even when  we did not deserve it.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE GOOD MOTHERS

The Wrong People Marry Quicker

(copied image herdaily.com. Britney and Kevin marriage)

Have you ever asked yourself how in the world did (insert name) get married? Or who the hell would marry that person? It is starting to become apparent that many of the people who are married are simply not suitable to be married. We all know people who are deemed a bit shady in their character and we have declared that these people should “never” get married until they sort out their issues. Well, sometime later, you heard that they have entered into nuptial bliss. The next thought is how? who? why? You are left dumbfounded while your good friend or family who has a splendid character is still trying to find his/her mate.

I recently happened upon some news that someone I knew a few years ago is now married. To say that it is a shock is an understatement. I knew that he was desperate, actually very desperate to remarry but I thought he had to get himself together emotionally before any woman would take him seriously or before he could be able to be a good husband.  I had no contact with him for years, it is a large possibility that he may have changed or the woman he found changed him. Even though I do not believe that we should rely on others to shape our character, it seems that for him, it may have worked. There is also the other possibility that he did not change but he found a woman who is in the same emotionally dependent state as he and so they were able to make it work. Still, after knowing the issues of his first marriage, it is still hard to believe that someone actually married him. Is that mean to say?

Years ago in college, an acquaintance of mine met this guy who started exhibiting weird behaviors. She was a nice person who initially had suspicions of him. Well, whatever he said or did convinced her to become interested. Standing on the outside, I could notice a few things about him that she completely ignored and explained away. Years later, I heard they were married with children and he was a pastor. Naturally, when a story turns out that good, one has to reconcile that people do change. Recently, I heard that her pastor husband was fired from his church. The evil side of me starts to think (without knowing the details of the reason for his termination) ‘I was right all those years ago.’  Is that horrible of me?

There is also the case of the world record gentleman in Mexico who in the last few years got married. He was not able to walk down the aisle, actually he is not able to walk at all because his world record was being the fattest man. When the news came that he was getting married, I had to scratch my head and take a long look at him. I again thought who? why? The protest is not about his weight but about the fact that this man had a very clear problem with food, he would not be able to work, does he have any skills, etc. A host of things that disqualifies him from making a good spouse but yet someone said “I will marry this man.”

What am I missing? Is this why the marriage success rate is in the toilet? As much as people will start pointing out that we “should not judge others” bla bla bla, we all know someone or a few people of whom you ask the same question - how is she/he married? Is it that not being very discriminating about someone’s character the answer for a speedy coupling? Mel Gibson will definitely get married again but some honest joe who is an upstanding man can’t catch a break. The mama’s boy will have a stream of women to choose from all while living in his parent’s basement but someone else is not that lucky with potential mates. The world has certainly gone a bit wonky.

So it seems that marriage, these days, is not about quality. It seems to be about whomever you catch in your net and can convince to stay. Are you suppose to be happy for someone whom you know is or have made a mistake in getting married? Are you being fake in trying to feign happiness for that person? Is it unchristian? Years ago I went to an old friend’s wedding and was genuinely happy for the couple. Years later, they separated and it turns out that many people warned her against the marriage due to her husband’s character. Well, she conceded with everyone’s opinions during the separation but soon after they were back together again and it might seem he is up to his usual. Is this a happy moment because they are back together or is it a ‘oh shit, she made the same mistake twice’ moment?

One explanation could come from a post written by a terminally single woman who does not want to be married, entitled Divorce Envy, in which Ms Wells observed that it is more acceptable to be divorced than to be never married. Spinster is not a word you hear very often and when it is used people like Susan Boyle (the once frumpy lady with the amazing voice) comes to mind. It may seem that people are willing to test the marriage waters knowing that it is a little too rough for them because the alternative is just not acceptable. It was a bit funny in Ms Wells post that she was being chastised by a woman who was twice divorced. It appears that failure of never marrying far outweighs the failure of being caught  in a bad relationship. As I said, twisted!

Loving Someone Else’s Child

(http://images.businessweek.com/ss/08/10/1008_sotheby_asian_art/7.htm)

Celebrities are becoming the poster children for adoption and infertility treatments. Both methods are aimed at one thing – becoming a parent. As many women age and are childless, they are faced with some serious decision making. If they are not able to produce on their own then what’s the next step? Can they stomach the idea of being a parent to another woman’s child?

In the case of a reality tv couple who chronicled their lives of trying to get pregnant naturally then  starting fertility treatments, then the woman was diagnosed with cancer  and treated, and ultimately giving up that aspect of the pregnancy fight and moving to surrogacy. Does it all seem a bit too much? I recognize that many people want to have a biological offspring as genetic posterity but what is so wrong with learning to love a child that is not genetically connected to you? The burden of getting pregnant is put on the woman and therefore she will put her body and mind through quite a bit in order to say I was pregnant and produced - is this a part of the female claiming her womanly identity? Is there a difference between loving your genetic offspring versus a child from someone else?

For the women who are not able to produce their own for whatever reason, their decisions to become mothers or mother figures are available. There is the surrogacy route with someone else’s genetic material, there is fostering children, there is adoption, and there is stepmothering. For the women who have chosen the non-genetic route, I applaud them for being able to look beyond the biological and find it in their hearts to learn to love someone else’s child. It is definitely not an easy task for some women, especially the ones who have dreamt about being pregnant and giving birth to their own.

This world has room for all sorts of good mothers who are willing to take the challenge. It could just be my bias regarding the situation but when it comes down to the gist of things, being a mother has nothing to do with biology. It has everything to do with a women’s capability to love. Because someone is genetically attached does not mean an automatic feeling of unconditional love and care towards the child that your birthed. Too many egg donors are doing irreversible damage to their ‘own.’ Women who make statements that they could not love anyone else’s child are the sort of women who should never have the opportunity of motherhood. Their love is only conditional. Back in the day when a village did raise a child, it was the responsibility of all the adults to become surrogate parents to the young ones. Instead, in this day and age, there is a systematic ‘us’ and ‘them’ when it comes to looking out for the innocent.

Mother’s day is coming up and many of us have been fortunate to have been raised by wonderful mothers-biological or adopted. The point is mother’s day celebrates all “good” mothers no matter what route they took to get to that point.

Mating Scene For Christians

A new relationship is always an exciting thing. Each person is discovering the other and everything is brighter and the air smells sweeter and the birds are chirping and so on. The couple is happy.  It is not unusual for the happy couple to want to spend time with each other. Actually that is a splendid idea. There is absolutely nothing wrong with two people in a relationship. The problem is how do many Christians actually move from the single stage to the mating stage?

Relationships for Christians can be a tricky venture. Churches are notoriously lacking in the potential for mates and all the other options are not conducive for a religious pairing. I have no clue what it’s like to try to pick up someone (or be picked up) at a club or bar because those are not and have never been my venues of choice. Internet dating is definitely not my things as I have mentioned in previous posts. So what’s a single Christian to do in order to get back into the dating scene?

One viable answer is to become active in your life. No I don’t mean more active in the safety of your church but outside. You know - out there in the big world. Most of us are so used to a routine of going to work, going to family, friends and church. We have eliminated the rest of the world and the activities that have the potential of opening more mate options. I realize that some Christians will advocate for praying and the Lord will provide. However, there is also the idea that God will not bring a man or woman to your doorsteps (at least for most of us).  The wonderful thing about getting back into the mating scene is that you have the opportunity to discover more about your interests and finding something new. Getting out into the world gives you more to share with a potential mate than being locked away at home.

Most people are also very afraid of doing things by themselves. I guess it is the fear of looking stupid or pathetic. Well looking like a pathetic single or stupid had never killed anyone. Doing things by yourself can seem daunting but it takes practice. If that is just not for you, then joining a small activities group. The internet has information for various groups such as Meetup.com or joining travelling groups or some kind of group that pushes you outside your comfort zone.  Even if you do not meet someone, it’s  still an adventure. For me, one of my adventures over the years was doing a Mexican Riviera cruise with one such activity group. No I did not meet anyone but I do have the pictures to prove that I had fun and definitely discovered new things that I would love to engage in again. The funny thing is that I had never really wanted to visit Mexico or go on a ship but I figured that ’why not.’ I had absolutely no reason to not do it. It was also on that trip where my indoor rock climbing (which I got into from another social group activity) came in very handy in the real world . Good times.

I have noticed that my comfort zone is my worst enemy at times. I have my moments when I do step out and do a lot of new things and there are other times  I stay in and have no interest otherwise.  I don’t think  that being single is the bad luck of the draw but in order to change that status we have to work towards that as a goal – not just a mate finding single-minded goal but living while looking goal.

The Power of Positive Thought: Happiness Loves Company Too

(Image from http://thewheelergroup.wordpress.com/2008/07/29/are-you-a-tigger-or-an-eeyore/)

Winnie the Pooh is a very lovable children’s story that I never found interesting. I do remember snippets of the cartoon and I was always bummed out by Eeyore the clinically depressed donkey. As an adult, it still is hard to watch his mopey character. On the other hand, there is Tigger, the bouncy and positive tiger. Those two characters are complete opposite of each other and they provide a valuable lesson in how we view our lives and this world.

If I wanted to be friends with anyone, it would be with the Tigger type character. Someone who is positive and hopeful but still can learn a valuable lesson at the end of the day. In this world, it is all about the company you keep and the ones who can encourage you to have positive thoughts. Many people underestimate the power of their own thoughts and how uplifting or damaging it can be. In the real world, Eeyore and Tigger would never be friends for too long because they saw and experienced life so differently, the happy person would become tired of the other’s negativity, and the happier person would not want to be sucked into that unhappy world.  According to the Psychology Today article entitled Misery Loves Company, it states that “There was evidence of short-lived emotional contagion: Severely depressed subjects were more likely to have a roommate whose mood declined over a six-week period than were less depressed subjects. But subjects cheered up noticeably when they spent time away from their miserable roommates.” The point is that people around us play a big role in our positive thoughts and happiness. So you have to be careful who you allow in your head.

Persistently unhappy and negative people are not intentionally trying to ‘drag you down’ but their depressed demeanor can have a dampening effect without you recognizing it. Everything in their lives are dark and dim and they are not able to see the positive side of life. This is not to say that each of us do not have those ‘depressed’ moments; however, when this mood has been ongoing for more than 6 months then there is something very wrong and it’s time to seek professional help. Some people have chosen to be stuck in this funk for most of their lives because it is the devil they know and are very used to experiencing. While I do understand the issue of clinical depression that needs more professional intervention, there are many people who choose ‘to be depressing’ and refuse to see the positive light in anything. Note: Depression has become a blanketed layman term for feeling blue; however, there is a difference between true clinical depression and feeling sad.

The power of the mind is astounding. I can recognize when I am in a funk and I can pinpoint the thoughts that help to put me there. I choose whether I want to continue those thoughts or choose whether I want to snap  out of it and change the way I see my life at that time. While I recognize that this is not the easiest thing to do for many, it takes practice and can be done. In my previous career as a therapist, it was mandatory for me to be able to master and filter what things I allowed to stay in my head and their priority. Most therapists hear many ‘bad things’ on a daily basis because that is their job; however, what the therapist do with that information requires a certain amount of control with his/her thinking. It requires deliberate choices in ways to filter out the ‘bad stuff’ in order to make more room for the good stuff. It is not always easy but it has to be done to keep themselves sane and have normal lives.

The average individual who do not see or hear horrors everyday are more likely to be caught in the cycle of negativity.Why is that? In order to deal the horrors,  you have to be able to see good and the positive in life. Once you are not able to do that, then burn out sets in and your mental health and all aspects of  your life are compromised. For the average person, the demise usually starts this way. One bad thing leads to the other ie. my boyfriend broke up with me-therefore I think I am not good enough for him-therefore I think I am not good enough for any man-therefore I think no one will find me attractive-therefore I believe I will always be alone-therefore I will choose not try to find love again.  Suddenly, this person has a low self-esteem and start to make poor choices all because of her thoughts. Now take for instance another scenario. My boyfriend broke up with me-therefore I feel really sad and think I was not good enough for him-I stop for a second and start to think about the good qualities that I have-I realize that when we first met he noticed those good qualities too and that was the reason we got together in the first-I start to think that we both made some mistakes (not just me) and the relationship was not meant to be-I am aware we may not have been compatible and that next time I will try to find someone who has more similar qualities-I choose to stop moping about the house and get back into my life or find new things to do-My mood starts to improve and I begin to regain my confidence in myself. Same situation but two different ways of thinking and two different outcome.

People are not expected to be happy-go-lucky everyday and all day. People are expected to have their sad moments; however, what we think affects what we do. It is so much easier to wallow in self-pity because the world is unfair and it is in a crappy state than to force ourselves to think positively. It is so easy to become discouraged and stay there without trying to fight our way out of the darkness. We whine and we bitch and whine some more but never take steps to make things better. We always want to take the easy way out which is to do nothing and still bitch about it. Negative thoughts are the easy way out because you can not be disappointed. That is a sad way to live all the time.

Jesus had the option to think positive or negative. He chose positive. He had the option of taking easy or the hard way. He chose the hard way. Resilience is a character trait that anyone can develop but it takes work; actually it takes hard work. It takes finding an inner will-power and exercising it. We are allowed to wallow, whine, ruminate, cry, self-deprecate etc because that is human nature. The problem is for those who do this constantly, try listening to yourself for a second or go back and read over your journal and ask if you would be willing to sit and listen to yourself go on like that all the time?  If you answer yes, then I suggest a therapist stat! If you say no, then do something about it. Resistance is actually not futile.  Newsflash! God does not miraculously give you courage and strength; you choose it and He supports it.

Ways to Develop Positive Thoughts

-Meditation/Prayer of thanksgiving (only focus on being thankful even for the simplest things)

-Find a song/poem/movie that puts you in a good mood (Christian or secular)

-Choose a simple positive saying that you only use on desperate occasions (overuse will lose its meaning)

-Identify an undeniably positive attribute about yourself (I have beautiful eyes, I am a great singer, I am a good friend, I am a hard worker)

-Find a simple blessing that you take for granted (My parents care about me-I am in good health-I have a place to live)

-Think of as many alternatives to your problems (most people only think of one which is usually negative or solutions that keep them in the bad situations)

-Learn to throw a positive spin on things (cheer yourself up exercise – even if it’s a ridiculous spin)

-Learn to laugh at the bad things or yourself (laughter releases stress)

-Give yourself advice as if you were giving it to someone else (image that you were helping a really good friend or someone you care about, what advice would you give?)

-Find other happy people (Happiness loves company, it might just rub off even for a little while)

-Take responsibility that you are making choices for your life (Taking back some power – many people give away their power and therefore feel helpless)

-Recognizing that failures and set backs are a part of life just like success (Yin Yang concept)

-Recognizing that the longer you stay in negative land the harder it is to get out (get out of your darkness comfort zone)

-Set small positive goals (Instead of I will not cry 5 times in one day, say I will smile 3 times in one day)

-Do something nice for someone else (this usually gets people out their own head and focus on someone else-be careful that the person is not a negative nelly)

-FEAR is the biggest antagonist to positive thinking. Our biggest fears are usually the things we create in our minds. (like the boogie monster)

Mental health is extremely important. Most people have control over their thoughts which in-turn affects their mood.  It is understandable that when things are bad, it is hard to see the ‘forest for the trees.’ Everything seems dark and dismal but it does not always have to stay that way. One of the most discouraging moments for me was when I would ask my standard question ”Tell me some positive things about yourself” and I would get silence because the clients are thinking or when they say “I have none.” Those responses told me that I had my work cut out for me to be able to guide someone to see at least one good thing in his/herself.  It’s your turn. I am sure there are many other things people do and could suggest that has helped with maintaining positive thoughts. Any other suggestion? What is at least one positive attribute about yours?

Here is a link to a farewell lecture by a professor, Randy Pausch, who had a terminal illness and later died (I don’t know how to embed so follow the link) http://youtu.be/ji5_MqicxSo