Single or Childless and Free to Roam

Free to Roam – You Choose

“Don’t you want to get married?” “Don’t you want to have children?” Those who are single and childless arrive at that status by different means. No matter how you got to that point, there is a stigma and social isolation. However, God gave you one life to live so brush of the Debbie-downers and enjoy it.

The stigma is that there is something shamefully wrong with you for being in either of those categories. If you are single, then there is a defect in your personality why a man or woman did not want to be with you. If you are childless, then you must be selfish for not wanting kids or you are having fertility issues.  The Reality is there is NO SHAME in being single or childless. It is your business and no one else’s. By now, you have ran out of reasons to tell people because no matter what you say that reason is not good enough. So, here is a solution – stop providing an answer, let people think whatever they want because they always do. People choose not to understand because they feel uncomfortable with your status. Plus,  they will always think their lives are better than yours no matter how screwed up things are in theirs.  Quit worrying about other’s opinion and do your own thing.

The stigma that you are unfulfilled in your life and you will never be happy. The reality is some singles will feel unfulfilled and sad while other singles will go out and live – it is all a choice. You can stay cooped up at home and throw one long pity party or you can see what the world around you has to offer and get involved. The other reality is there are married with family people who are unfulfilled and unhappy. So, this is not a single problem but an individual choice problem. Singles have an advantage because they are not tied down and are free to change things with little impact on others.

The social isolation from friends and family who intentionally leave you out of family oriented activities. The reality is relationships change due to life changes. The married person has other priorities which is how things should be for them. The single person need to accept that and find like-minded people who share their status. It does not mean that the connection ends but it has to change. Find other singles or childless people your age and plan activities with them. If you do a simple internet search, you will find lots of groups or try

The presumption that you do not like children and feel sad or jealous around couples or families. The reality is some singles or childless do feel jealousy particularly if this is something they wanted-that’s life! However, not everyone is envious of someone who is  married or a parent. Some childless people like kids and do well with them for short periods but do not want children. Some singles like being single (this does not require additional explanation). The other reality is some people’s kids are demon-children and no one wants to be around them, some people are shitty parents and no one wants to be around them either, some marriages are relationships made in hell which will make anyone want to ran further away. Solution: Get together with people who respect your choices.

The assumption that you are desperate to get out of the role of single and childless. The reality is that can be true for some. However, it never occurred to others that some people do not make good partners or parents. It takes a lot of work to be in a good relationship or be a good parent and not everyone wants to rush into that role or even want that role. Solution: Avoid people who keep bringing the pity-party to you. They are just mean-spirited people who cannot see beyond their idealized world.

The assumption that you are not allowed to or can give sensible relationship and parenting advice based off your experiences with kids, relationship or observations. The reality is most often, common sense is common sense and it does not take being married or a parent to see certain things. If all it took was a change in status to be an expert, then divorce, therapists, DV shelters and CPS would be nonexistent. Yes, there are some situations that require previous experiences to have a much clearer insight; however, those are few and far between. Often times you will need both to help – the person who has been there in order to have a shared experience and the person who sees a bigger picture because they haven’t been there.

The blatant truth: Many married and family couples live very boring, mundane and monotonous lives and events they consider to be interesting is in essence not . While Johnny’s poop story is funny and Mike ‘s mowing mishap is hair raising, it is usually the most excitement they experienced in a long time. Marriage and family comes with certain responsibilities which does not scream excitement for most couples; It’s just life. A single and childless person have the freedom to roam and do more because there are limited barriers. The single and childless who take advantage of this are the ones who are more fulfilled.

The bottom line is people will judge because you are outside the norm. Relationships will change and some people will treat you like a leper. Solution: Develop the I-don’t-give-a-**** attitude and build your life the way it suits you. When you periodically look back at your life, you will either have major regrets or a wealth of experience that were enjoyable and interesting.

Anti-Pity Party Exercise: If you still use a calendar, look over your last few months and upcoming months to track how often you made a date to do something you enjoyed. If it is blank, then get off your butt and find something to do.  Not sure where to start?? E.g. My activity calendar in the past  4 weeks: 1 overnight beach trip, 1 local town street fair with a walk in the park afterwards, 1 hike with a social group, (missed event: a car show). Upcoming events: 1 Air show, a paint nite and I will add as I go. So what are you planning to do?




A Lazy Single Woman

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My stick figure art- Lazy dater

I can honestly say I am a lazy single woman. No, it’s not what you think. What I mean is I am a 41y/o relatively decent looking single woman who is lazy when it comes to dating and mating.

Here is my brief history in the mating world. Marriage or a permanent relationship was never on my radar until about five years ago and even now it makes its occasional blips then it is gone. My mating/dating desire is also depending on my mood (horny-darn that natural heightened sexual libido; independent-I am woman I can do anything by myself; lonely-yep that’s a reality of single life and comfortable – life is good with just me) and which patient I saw that day (I tell ya, hearing dysfunctional marriage and relationship stories do NOT put me in the marriage mood). I sporadically dated throughout my teens, not much in my twenties because I was focused on school, career and where to live, then I dated a few in my 30s and well… I just hit my 40s so not much to talk about there. I can’t say I had any earth shattering relationships but I learnt stuff from the experiences.

One of the biggest lessons I learnt is how much I HATE dating. Yeah I know, dating is a precursor to having relationships. I was not exaggerating with the word hate either. I have come to learn that I am an introvert which explains certain things. I am not big on meeting new people, very slow to warm up to everyone, enjoy my alone time, can’t manage stupid small talk, need time to recharge after too much peopling and need ongoing mental stimulation which leads to some dating problems.

Dating Problems:

New people blues: As mentioned before, I don’t like new people because they put me on high alert. The added issue now is that as a former therapist, my brain is working overtime doing quick danger assessments (what was that look he gave? what does he mean by that? lol.. yep that’s me in assessment mode). After every first date, I am literally drained, not excited and need a rest and recovery period. I don’t know how singles do these multiple people dates. I typically walk away thinking – being single is so much more comfortable.

Bonding: I realized from high school that I was not that girl who ‘fell in love’ with people. While my friends were constantly in love, I was occasionally ‘in like.’ The problem with always being ‘in like’ is that the bonding was tenuous. Now combine that issue with not really wanting to be tied down. This just makes for a bad emotional relationship connection. I got bored with people easily and did not want someone in my space for long periods which did not go very well in the dating world.

Meeting people: I am not a hermit and don’t isolate except during winter. I go out and do things but my hobbies are not conducive to meeting new people – unless I twist my ankle on a hiking trail and some heaven-sent single Adonis came by to provide medical assistance 🙂 . I will not be trolling any of the local bars or clubs and I will not be the woman in a bodycon dress with 4″ heels trying to get some dude’s attention at your local grocery store. I find no pleasure in online dating and I am totally out of ideas on the local ‘pick up men tastefully’ meetup venues. Sooooo, I am up the creek without a paddle when it comes to meeting eligible bachelors.

Conversation: You are on a date and you have to come up with stuff to say. I do hate small talk because it’s mind numbing. I am usually a listener and as an introvert, I am not always very talkative initially unless there is a topic that gets my brain revving. I also feed off extroverts until I have had enough and then I am totally pooped which triggers a quiet shut down. It takes me awhile to get warmed up (no pun intended), so if my date does not have patience, then it will be a bad night.

An extra job: I equate dating to work and not the fun kind of work either. It requires so much time, effort and mental energy that the thought of dating makes me tired. Yep, sometimes most times I feel too lazy to date.

Dating Realization:

I did learn some important things during my dating trauma.

  1.  I am decisive when it comes to people. It does not take me very long to figure out if I want to spend more time with someone. As I aged, I became very outspoken and confident, so take it or leave it.
  2. Ideally, I would prefer to date someone I already know or have met in a mutual situation. It takes the new-person pressure off the first date and it makes conversation easier.
  3. Being friends first gives you a better insight into the person and vice versa. There is no rule that says you cannot go on a first date long after you initially met someone. The pressure that goes with having a perfect first date will no longer apply
  4. There is something to be said about activity dates. The combination of engaging in an activity while getting to know someone makes it less ‘datey.’
  5. Slow and steady wins the race. I am in no hurry for anything – no biological clock, no peer pressure, no jealousy, nada! So I am not trying to decide husband/not husband material in our first meetings.
  6. There are some people with whom you click and you do not feel the urge to work in order to get the initial connection going.
  7. Not everyone who comes calling deserves your time or a date
  8. If you are not ready to date then don’t force yourself
  9. Just have fun and be yourself. If you mutually like each other then good but if not, then let it go (cue the theme song for Frozen)


Words of Wisdom

I cannot take credit for the following but here are some words of wisdom to keep in mind by Lou Holtz who was giving a commencement speech

4 thing people need in their lives:

  1. Something to do
  2. Someone to love
  3. Someone to believe in (Jesus)
  4. Something to hope for

*Do everything to the best of your ability with the time allotted and show people that you care about them

3 things that are important

  1. Trust
  2. Commitment
  3. Love


A Sexy State of Mind


My mirror usually tells the truth. I have some cellulite, tiger stripes smack dab on both cheeks, imperfect skin from head to toe, and a lower pooch that I can’t seem to get rid of. Oh well! I am not an airbrushed supermodel. However, this does not interfere with me occasionally having a sexy state of mind.

Not so sexy days. Are there occasions I would love to have the perfect body? Absolutely. Are there some days when I think a guy will find fault with me in all my naked glory? Yep. Are there days when sexy and beautiful are not the words that come to mind? Unfortunately.  I do become conscious of my body whether I should be or not. It is hard to be unaffected when images of perfection is shown on every medium. So, yes I do have those not so sexy days when a burlap sack and slouchy hat over my hot-mess hair would be the clothing of choice. This is normal, I think, because those are the days when you just want to look like crap and don’t give a shit.

Oh so sexy days. There are those days when none of the above applies. Instead, I see past the imperfections and recognize that my consistent cardio and resistant training shows its results. There are days when I can appreciate that my legs dominate my body and my thighs do touch (gasp). There are days when I think I look darn good and down right sexy. Unfortunately, so many women seem to forget what it feels like to see themselves as sexy. They are waiting for a man to validate their image. However, I call BS because sexiness is about how you see yourself and how you feel  in your skin. I challenge you to put on a pair of lace undies, or an article of clothing that makes you look in the mirror and say “umm, I like the way you look.” When you discover your inner sexy, it will show.

Single vs married sexy days. Single women who are on the market are typically more conscious of the importance of feeling and looking sexy. There are not many single men who are looking for frumpy and lumps of coals. So, you are more likely to find single women who cycle between their sexy and non-sexy days.

For most women, they do put in the time to care for themselves or at least look decent. On the other hand, a number of married women tend to let themselves go the longer they are married. Yes! Yes! You can give the excuse of children bla bla bla; however, it does not change the fact that some do look quite shabby. Because women tend to compare themselves to others, this is a slippery slope with self-image and desirability issues. Bring back the lingerie, crotch less underwear, knee-high boots, and red lipstick that was left in the ‘back when I was single’ box.

Sexy vs slutty. Ladies, there is a difference between both. As a Christian woman, it is not rocket science to know when your outfit says ‘I walk the street at night and wants the attention of anyone.’ A sexy woman knows how to accentuate (not show her goods to the world), flatter her body type or assets, and still grab the attention of an appropriate suitor or your spouse. My suggestion – Christian married women can leave the slutty look for the bedroom.

You are sexy and you don’t know it. Women are hard on themselves much more than men when it comes our bodies. We find fault with everything and nitpick at the minor stuff and become overly focused on the imperfect. Sexiness is a state of mind that transfers to the thought, mood and body. Sexiness is in your confidence, attitude, playfulness, laugh as well as how you carry yourself – think body posture. Do not think that sexiness is only about tight clothing, high heels and a flawless makeup. A woman who feels good on the inside shows it on the outside. Just ask any man.

Men and self-image/self-esteem. Chiseled abs and romance novel good looks are not the only signs of sexy when it comes to men. Many women are less preoccupied with men’s body type. Do some of us gawk at the firefighter’s calendar? Guilty. However, that is just temporary entertainment. For many women, a sexy man shows confidence, what’s in his head, how he treats others and how he puts himself together – like tight cut-off muscle shirts and speedos (ha ha just joking). Men do have issues with self-image and self-esteem and women need to be mindful about being critical. Most men want to appear strong, confident, competent, useful and be able to provide support to the women in their lives which are things most women find sexy. For almost all women, a man who cleans up well will make any woman’s mouth water. Men, find your inner sexy, we do pay attention.

Each person has a different idea of sexy. However, how you view your body makes a world of difference. It is easy to point to someone else and say that person can claim sexiness but not you. When you describe yourself as sexy, you are forcing yourself to see a positive body image and get in touch with your sexual identity. So, the moral of the story is that seeing yourself as sexy is a health state of mind.



Sssshhhh Christians and Sex

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Christians talking about sex

I recently joined a group for Christian single women (still not sure if this group is hurting or helping) and I find myself frustrated with some distorted views. Maybe I should join a predominantly men’s group and see if they have the same mindset. What’s the issue: SEX and relationships. There is not one Christian who does not know about sexual sins. They are the greatest sins known to many Christians. There is no greater sin in the bible (I say sarcastically). If you have read enough of my ‘sexuality’ based posts, then you know I poo poo on the idea of being afraid and ashamed when it comes to anything related to sex and sexuality.

Let’s be clear “engaging in the act of sex outside of marriage is a sin” according to the bible. There is no way around that issue if you are a bible scholar. However, there is NO reference in the bible that says sex is a sin. There is NO place in the bible that says talking maturely about sex is a sin. However, sex synonymous with sin is a prevailing and damaging message that permeates majority of the Christians’ minds.

FEAR: The FEAR that breathes more FEAR and confusion about sex is unbelievable.  My issues: Adults who believe that just talking about sex will automatically lead to sexual sin. Adults who believe that a pre-marital Christian couple should only talk about sex after the wedding day but they are allowed to talk about everything else before marriage. Adults who believe that if two Christian adults in a relationship who talk about sex, then they will eventually end up having sex. Adults who believe that they (mostly men) can’t control themselves and will naturally fall into bed if there is any hint of sexual desire. It’s almost as ridiculous as someone in AA saying I can’t talk about alcohol because it will lead me to drink. Have you ever sat in on an AA group? Whatever hang-ups you had before marriage you will always bring into the marriage.

THE BODY: In case it was not common knowledge, people, even good Christians, experience sexual arousal. Men will have erections whether they are single or married. Women will experience an engorged clitoris and increase moisture flow in the vagina whether they are single or married. This is life NOT sin. Which healthy adult who has been dating someone for an extended period of time has never experienced normal sexual arousal? Sexual arousal does not have to lead to sex. Hello!!! self-control.  If self-control was not implemented, then every single Christian have had premarital sex with their spouse and lied about being ‘pure’ before marriage. Oh, I also hate that darn word ‘pure’ which always relate to pre and post abstinence. Is a sexually active married woman now ‘dirty’ because she is having sex? I digress. On the other hand, if you have been dating someone for an extended period and he/she have NO sexual desire towards you, then you are in for a difficult sexless marriage. A frigid man or a frigid woman pre wedding will be frigid post wedding, a sexually uninterested man/woman pre-wedding will be sexually uninterested post wedding. Be prepared to help them or yourself thaw out (keep a good marital or sex therapist number handy.)

WEDDING DAY SWITCH: You cannot believe that anything related to sex is a sin prior to marriage and then turn it into a “beautiful thing” after the wedding day. You spend your days avoiding and telling yourself that your God-given urges and even the mere mention of them are all SIN, SIN and more SIN but suddenly after the wedding you switch to “I am sexually ready and open for my spouse.” BS. How do I know it’s BS, because of how many couples who are struggling with having a healthy sex life. The mind does not just easily change once you have beaten it into submission to a certain way of thought and neither does God just miraculously bless you with a healthy sex life the moment after the ”I do.” It all takes work just like everything else in a relationship.

LIBIDO: Research have shown that most women tend to have lower libido than men. Research have shown that many Christians and highly conservative women tend to have more hang-ups about sex that affect their sexual relationships. Couples, Christians and non-Christians, have ongoing sexual problems in their marriages but they just don’t talk about it except to their therapist if they choose to get help. This ssshhh leads to a naïve belief that married couples automatically have a fulfilling sex life. Guess what? sex is one of the first helpful and pleasurable things to go out the window in a number of relationships.

SEX IS NOT SIN: I am not sure how many times I can say this in my sexuality blogs. God instituted sex when he created the first people and we have been using this method to populate the earth. Adults need to sit down and have a serious conversation with each other whether single or married about their sexual health. Talking about sex and one’s sexuality have NOTHING to do with having sex or sin. If you are that weak of a person who has to have sex when the topic comes up, then I would suggest a therapist to work through that issue before you get married.

SSSSHHH SEX: Christian married people do not talk about their sex lives. The information on the good or bad issues with a person’s sexual health comes from the non-Christian population. Christians hide, evade, shutdown and deny when it comes to such an issue. A Christian’s sexual mal-health is as big a secret as the second coming of Jesus. The fear of being judged for having any issues in the marriage keeps mouths shut and lies prolific. This gives the false impression to single Christians that everything just magically fall into perfect sexual place right on the wedding night and you will be symbiotically sexually matched with your partner by osmosis or divine intervention.

I really do wish Christians would stop setting themselves up for failure in this area of their lives. We create our own neurosis when it comes to SEX. Sexual arousal is N O R M A L. It is all about how you handle it. (Did you catch how many times I mentioned the word sex? 🙂 I might be going to hell).

I pray you learn to develop a healthy sexual mind and a healthy sexual life.

Who Loves You Baby?


Love, feeling needed, important, appreciated and respected to someone are universal wants for most people. We get into relationships in search of those things and when we find them, then those are the best moments in our lives. For those who have not experienced any of those feelings, then there is an emptiness. A strong emptiness that needs to be filled.

The fortunate group will find this with friends, family and/or a partner. There is nothing more hopeful than listening to someone who has experienced or is still experiencing such a profound connection to someone. It radiates, it seeps out, it is contagious. It is how God intended the world to be and how we should relate to others.

The unfortunate group who have either never had this or have loss this connection to others are plentiful and recognizable through sadness, anger, anxiety, withdrawal, depression, and feels broken. Perpetual disconnection and feeling unloved or unimportant changes people into a shadow of what God intended them to be. Some will give up and others will look for that connection in all the wrong places. We are fallible humans!

Who loves you baby? How do you know when someone has your best interest at heart versus their own interest? How do you know someone is good for you or are you good for them?

1  Growth – Is that person helping you to improve your character? Are you being encouraged to be the best you possible? Does the person help you to feel good or bad about yourself?

2. Boundaries – Does the person respect your rules and not push you do things that may hurt emotionally, spiritually, psychologically or physically? Do they value what is important to you?

3. Listen – Are you being heard? Are your requests and wishes being ignored? Your words falling on ‘deaf ears’? Can you express yourself openly without being made to feel stupid?

4. Honor & Respect – Is that person’s behavior towards you and people you care about honorable? Are you valued as someone important in his/her life? Or are you just the convenient available person or a ‘piece of meat?’ For singles: Are you kept in the shadows, strung along or you are someone’s quiet ‘dirty secret’?

5. Actions – Does that person’s decisions and behaviors lead to hurting you emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually while benefiting him/herself?

6. Evasive – Are there things about this person that remains a mystery and s/he does not feel the need to share with you? Are there things that the person avoids? Are you always left wondering?

7. Support – If you need that person, can s/he be there for you when things are going good or bad?

In our search for connection and belonging, we forget that we are fearfully and wonderfully made and it is our responsibility to value ourselves and teach others to do the same.


While You are Waiting

IMG_2535[1]Wait on the Lord’ is a very well-known phrase that most Christian singles have heard or say to themselves or others. Here are some Bible verses (Psalms 27: 14; 62:1; Isaiah 40: 31; 64:4) to support that idea. I have no contradictions when it comes to waiting on God; however, I do have some suggestions while  you are waiting.

  1. Be comfortable in your skin. Too often singles are waiting for someone to come into their lives and make them whole (ie. not God). No one else can accomplish such a feat except for the individual. If you recognize that you are missing something in your life then go find it. Get to know yourself intimately. A confident person is an attractive person.
  2. Enjoy life because tomorrow is not promised. Have fun! There are so many things out there to see, discover, experience and explore. When was the last time you went to a museum? Ate at a new restaurant? Take a vacation or staycation? Go to a free outdoor concert? Or even take a walk in the park?
  3. Listen to your own voice. Singles can become consumed with what everyone else thinks, is doing, and saying versus listening to their inner person. You are an adult capable of independent thoughts so use them.
  4. Get up and out. Sitting around day after day moping about being single makes you a pathetic dull person. What do you have to offer to someone else besides whining? If you made your home a prison, then you can free yourself.
  5. Explore. You are responsible for making your life interesting or boring. The internet is a great place to start looking for what’s going on in your area. Be a tourist in your city or state and you will find lots of things to do.
  6. Be adventurous. Choose something that’s on your bucket list. Don’t have a bucket list? Then create one.
  7. Be interesting. The most interesting people are the ones who live their God-given lives not the ones who sit around on social media all day every day. Plus, if you are out doing something and taking pictures of your adventures, then you will actually have something useful to share on social media.
  8. Volunteer. There are so many good causes that could use a helping hand. Volunteer on occasion and see life through someone else’s life.
  9. Become the person with whom you want to be in a relationship. If you would not date yourself, then why would you offer that to someone else?? Be proud of who are and the good things you have done with the time God has granted you. Build your character.
  10. Take charge. Change and growth is your responsibility
  11. Be kind to yourself. Take care of your mind, body and spirit. Too often we carry regrets, we eat poorly, worry and engage in things that break the soul.
  12. Love yourself the way you believe God loves you


When Religion Brings Out the Worst


Religions are so diverse there is a flavor for everyone. The universal idealism of religion is that it is supposed to be a guide in how to live a good life, how to treat others and ultimately getting a good reward in the end. One can extrapolate that this goes for majority of the world religions. While this idea is wonderful, the reality can be a stark contrast.

Who is right? Every religious entity will tell you it is the right one. It is the one true path for life and the afterlife. There is so much conflict and fighting for who has the truth that it has pitted man against man from the inception of religion.

Man’s interpretation. The Bible, the Torah, the Koran and countless other manuscripts have been written ‘by God’ or God-inspired but always with a male cultural twist. The things that were the norm 1000 years ago is not the same as those 10 years ago or today. Religion is struggling to keep up with the changing norms that it requires interpretation after interpretation in order to be relevant. The problem with these interpretations or extrapolations is that they are usually reflective of the person’s own experiences and convictions. i.e. It was heretic to suggest that the earth was round and not the center of the universe, women were burnt at the stake for being witches, menstruating women were shunned and considered unclean, and many illness were  consequences for someone’s sin.

Ignorance of culture. A die-hard believer will tell you culture has no place in religion. However, they read from interpretations of old manuscripts with references that do not always apply today or they have no reference for things today that were previously unimaginable-heart transplant, airplanes, nuclear bombs. Think about it-the working women of the old days were prostitutes, if the elderly or women had no families or men to care for them (Ruth and Naomi), then their lives would be destitute. Girls were married as young as 13y/o and it was almost impossible for a man to transition out of the station of life in which he was born. Christian practices differ depending on where you live or from differing households.

Religion breeds anger and hatred. The quickest way to create animosity is to put two people with differing religious beliefs in the same room. Due to each person’s interpretation, even those who claim to belong to the same denomination cannot always agree. The religious zealots can be so dogmatic that if you do not agree, then you are automatically sinful and going to hell. If you want to see how easily a Christian can sin, then challenge his or her beliefs.

Happy Christian? When someone drill in your head all the don’ts, you spend your life being very conscious of every boundaries or rules you should not cross. This can make Christian life very miserable. Look at the 10 commandments Exodus 20 and even the Love chapter 1 Corin 13 and make note of all the don’ts. What if they were written in the positives? Your God is the only God you should love and service. There is no need for graven images because he is always with you. You should always honor life which is a blessing from God. You should be respectful of things that belong to others, you should give God praise when your neighbor is blessed etc. What would happen if Christians speak that way to others?

Getting Caught Up. The highly religious are so quick to write you off when you are “doing something wrong” in their eyes. They are quick to judge very harshly, they are quick to condemn, they are quick to slap you with the ‘good book’ than share, they are quick to shut you down than listen, they are quick to be right and therefore be righteous.  We keep forgetting that there are so many ways to worship: John the Baptist did things differently from Peter, who was different from Paul, who was different from Mother Theresa who was different from the Chaplain on the battlefield of Afghanistan or the lay woman in Uganda.  We constantly put God in our own narrow box and call that truth.

God’s Agenda. God did NOT promise everyone that they would get all the desires of their hearts no matter how good it sounds. King David wanted to build the temple but it was taken away from him and given to his son King Solomon. The only guarantee that the New Testament made was about an afterlife which is either good or bad (most people cannot agree on what those will truly look like); however, for everything before that, life is either choices or predestined (depends on your interpretation).  So, telling others that they are putting things out of God’s order or trying to rush his agenda makes no sense if you believe that God is always in control no matter what. Believe it or not, sometimes good things can come out of bad choices, situations or mistakes. Sometimes you do everything right and it all turns out poorly. Who is to say that was not God’s plan? After all, Christians believe Judas’ betrayal which played a part in Jesus’ suffering and death was the catalyst for something good.

Religion is not all bad or all good. It is usually the way we interpret it and implement it in our lives. One person uses religion to chop off someone’s head while someone else uses it to feed the poor. One person uses it to uplift someone while the other person uses it to cast judgment. One person finds freedom while someone uses to restrict and confine. I was taught to be dogmatic in my beliefs and take the interpretation of others as gospel. The moment I broke away from such rigidity, I realized there was more freedom to understand God, conflict, doubt and also more relevant and real life applicable questions that does not have clear Biblical answers.



When Bad Parents Happen to Innocent Kids

I remember the first time I thought that a certain pregnant woman should have aborted her baby. I remember it because my own thoughts shocked me. I am the aunt of 20+, did my babysitting time and changed cloth nappies for a few of them. I loved babies and believed in rainbows and unicorns when it comes to those little darlings.

Then things changed. I was working as a case manager with a woman who had an extensive history of addiction and having babies. All the other kids were taken by CPS. She was pregnant again and was thinking about abortion. I was internally excited for her and then she changed her mind and I felt a distinct sense of sorrow for the baby. I believe I felt a touch of anger too. It has been years but since then, I still have those thoughts and the most recent was for another patient. Luckily she miscarried. Thank God!!! and I hope she is never able to reproduce.

Sure, you might think I am being harsh. However, on those too frequent occasions when bad parents happen to innocent children, then the children suffer significantly. A lot of these children grow up to repeat a vicious cycle of parents who do not know how and chose not to learn how to be good parents. I was just asked for my input on a parent-child relationship issue and my first thought to this young lady is RUN!! Run away from your parent and never look back. My response was more practical because that is what she needed right now but in my experience ‘RUN like the wolves are at your heels’ is in her mentally healthiest interest.  Easier said than done.

Bad parents have caused a sh*t load of damage to so many adults. It is not pretty or wrapped up in some easy to solve situation. It is messy! It changes lives and it leaves a deep scar. It is beyond sad. It is emotionally and psychologically destructive. It is like an erosion which eats away at the person as time passes.

There should be PSAs stating: Not everyone was meant to be parents. Just because you are fertile does not mean you should reproduce.

I have heard it said that people who choose not to have children are selfish. Actually, those are the ones who fully understand the requirements of being a good parent and made the right choice for themselves. By the time a kid is 21, bad parents have inflicted so much damage that it will take another 10+ years (with intervention) to heal and minimize the impact the experiences had on their minds, emotions and choices.  I have seen enough in my short life and sometimes I want to be so rude to say to these potential parents or current parents ‘look at your life. If you are so f**cked up, what the hell do you think you are going to do to  your child?’

If you can’t tell, I get a little riled when it comes to kids. Kids who were not asked to be born in destructive situations. They come into this world and are mistreated by the people who were suppose to love, care and protect them. They learn the sin-produced cruelty of people before they are able to build up a strong foundation. I feel distress for the kids who are and were trapped and can’t run.

Healing is not impossible. With prayer, determination and help, the mistreated child is able to find his or her way to become an emotionally, spiritually and psychologically stable adult who can break the cycle and become a wonderful parent.