"When are you getting married?" question

First, I would like to welcome you to my first post. The idea to start a blog has been in and out of my thoughts for a long time and now I figure why not. So, let’s get on to the post.    Another single Christian friend of mine told me a story of her visiting a new church and recognizing a family member of her old roommate. After the initial pleasantries, she was promptly asked about her husband to which she responded that there is no husband (she is not wearing a ring). The follow up question to her was when will she find one (this implies she is psychic). If anyone out there has a good response to that dreaded “when are you getting married?” question please let me know. Because after all these years, my initial reaction is anger, annoyance and a burning desire to say something very unchristian.
    We singles are bombarded from all sides about this issue. Church members, family, people you haven’t seen in ages. I have had two sisters whom I had not spoken with in a long time (shame on me) and their first questions were very similar. One of my responses was “I didn’t know I was getting married” or the other response that I am using now is “Once I find someone I will let you know.” There are also those not too subtle images in the churches of young families, couples, pregnant couples. My church has Family Focus hour but where is the focus on the singles hour? No one talks about the pressures that we face being unattached and christian (topic for future blogs).
    My single friends and I have had many long discussions about how ridiculous this question is especially when you are not currently in a relationship. I can understand if you are dating someone for a while and the natural expectation is marriage. However, for us, is it the assumption that your wife/husband is sitting on a shelf at you local christian supermarket where you can push a cart down the isle and ‘pick one up?’  or is it that singles grow on trees and you can walk outside to your front yard and pick a fully ripened spouse-to-be?  but we are choosing to not take advantage of those opportunities. I think people believe this is an area of our lives where they feel the need and the right to be intrusive. Has anyone every stopped a couple and asked so how is your marriage going? Sex life good? It’s just us where our love lives or lack of it is fair game. Seriously, how the hell do you answer such a stupid question and restrain yourself from saying things that would make you want to pray for forgiveness later?


6 thoughts on “"When are you getting married?" question

  1. I know this is an old post for you but i couldn’t help but love it. Very true about all of it. lol And kinda funny towards the end. hehe

  2. On his 50s radio/TV show “You Bet Your Life,” Groucho Marx was always quick to ask singles the same question, and to emphasize the dire need for a spouse. What’s odd is that he was often just as quick to insinuate “The Lockhorns” marital stereotypes for those who were married.

    As people, we’re too quick to romanticize and gloss over reality. We have to be honest enough with ourselves that marriage takes commitment, work, and choosing love over self…and that there are no guarantees along the way. But there are enough examples of couples who have, with God’s grace, been married for many years, and love each other far more than they did when they said, “I do.”

  3. Harleyq2,
    Could your frustration stem from the fact that you have not found a suitable partner yet or rather a suitable partner have not yet found you? I am aware that even in my neck of the woods single women outnumber men in the church and there is a huge problem for many to find a suitable husband. The situation is dire and I do sympathise with all you single Christian ladies. However I do feel that some women make life difficult for themselves by setting their expectations too high. For example if you are a career lady you don’t want a blue collar worker but at the same time say you are trusting God for a husband. What if the husband God wants you to have doesn’t come in the package you expect? Do you refuse him? But doesn’t God in His wisdom knows what’s best for you? Not meaning to cause any offence here but just a few points for you ladies to consider.

  4. Genevieve, I totally agree that the church members are not there for the couple when things go bad and they will force couples to stay together even when it is not healthy. I believe pastors are afraid to talk about premarital things like relationship, sex etc because it is all still tabot and these are things that singles need instead of being reminded that we need hurry and get married

  5. This was interesting. The exasperating thing about the ones who ask the "When are you getting married?" question is that they give no biblical guidelines for a successful marriage. When you get married and if things go badly, those folks disappear. In fact, I know of women who have been in abusive marriages and some church members say, "Stay in there and work it out!" How can someone who is hurt and fighting for survival stay in there and work it out?I agree with Anonymous. The question makes singles feel that something is wrong with them. What we really need is to be taught how to have healthy, Godly relationships and how to make good choices. It is a disservice to push singles into marriage for the sake of it.

  6. Thanks so much for starting this blog. As I have gotten older, the marriage issue has become so important to others, especially family and older folks. I feel pressured at times. Its not like I dont want to be married…but what can I do? I feel a double meaning in the question…when are you getting married? I sometimes feel people giving me a double look..saying…whats wrong with you , why you are not married yet? Its insulting at times…do you guys feel the same way?

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