Desperation: The plight of the singles

     My co-workers and I were sitting around the lunch room and the topic of dependent women came up. I was relaying what I learned in a domestic violence training and how amazing it still is to me that women can be so desperate to keep themselves in situations that are not in their best interest. The idea of dependence (a woman’s identity is based on having a man) which is ingrained in almost every female is a hard message to break. As a younger woman who was more focused on career and exploring the world (this has always been a dream of mine instead of marriage and family), I never understood why this small part of life became such a huge focus for almost every woman I know. For instance, in college when I was enjoying my freedom from parents and having independence, girls were subscribing to wedding magazines. By my senior year, there were a few girls who had already planned their weddings soon after graduation.
   As I have gotten older and completed my education and started a career, I am now ready to focus on the more personal side of life. However, as a woman looking for a Christian man, it seems that I have to choose from the “left overs” or my options are very small (kiddie pool size options vs ocean). A single professional friend stated that it seems as if career minded women are being punished because we make the right choices to be independent women and have lives but as we get older and are in a position to be good wives and mothers, there seem to be less opportunity to start a family. ie. all the good men are taken and the biological clock starts to tick or for some has ran out of time.
  So, if our options are very small, then this automatically sends an “aging woman” the ones over 30 in desperation mode. This is when the values and expectations starts to plummet. This is when internet dating seems like the last hope and women are willing to marrying and live with anything because it’s better than being single. We begin to compromise our very souls just to no longer be the spinster. I don’t think I am at the desperate stage yet, I can admit that I have the potential of getting there (to my dismay). It is always interesting how men are allowed to get away with being single and have titles such as ‘confirmed bachelor’ but us single women get the pathetic look from others. I should know because I use to think the same way about unmarried older women when I was younger. Now I am in their shoes… go figure.. oh well it’s life.


12 thoughts on “Desperation: The plight of the singles

  1. I used to believe that older, single, never-married women should be prime marriage-material, until I married one. After I lost my first wife to suicide, I found a woman who was a couple of years older than me, who had never been married, but had always “wanted” to be married. She was a career-woman, who had worked her way up in the ranks in food-service until she became a certified dietary manager(CDM). She was very good at it, and could go to work just about anywhere they needed a CDM. Her job was been her life, and in reality, it continued to be her life. I was an “add-on”. She had gotten used to being foot-loose and fancy-free, and marriage cramped her style. Our sex-life died less than two years after we got married, and when I tried to revive it, she solved that “problem” by filing for divorce. She no longer had any need/use for me, particularly in the bedroom. It also didn’t help that I wasn’t in her church or ethnic-group.

    Where ARE all these good, single women you all are claiming are out there? What church are they in? The only single women in my church are either under twenty-five or over seventy, and that has been true of every church I have been in over the last seventeen years, because I have looked. The only “older” single’s ministry I have ever come across was for divorcees. As a widower, I fit in that group like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole.

    The longer you WAIT to get married, the more you should question your motivation for getting married. Do you REALLY want a life-partner, or are you tired of “sleeping-single-in-a-double-bed”? A life-partner is a life-time commitment, for better or for worse. Are you ready to make and KEEP that commitment? If you aren’t ready for that kind of commitment, you aren’t ready for marriage.


    1. Steve,
      I do believe there are more unmarried-never married, divorced, widowed women in any given church. Women are more likely to join a church than men. If an older woman comes into the church single and is looking for a mate, then she may have better luck shopping around outside than in her church.

      Your situation is unfortunate because it seem that your choice of mate was not a good match. I do believe that just like men, women can be ready for marriage later in life. I don’t think everyone is ready for marriage at a younger age. I can ask the same question of people who have been divorced 1, 2, 3x etc-do they want a life partner or someone to sleep next to them so they don’t have to be alone?

      Commitment is an individual thing and no matter at what age that you marry then you have to find the person who is compatible with your wants and needs.

  2. I agree but i think it works for both sexes. The pool just keeps getting smaller and smaller and i feel more like a doormat everyday. 😦

  3. Peer pressure is often associated with the teen years during high school, but the truth is that lingers. In my experience, (and for all intents and purposes), singles in the church are more or less considered “the losers.” Naturally, this is never stated, but you can easily sense it. No singles class I’ve ever been in has ever attempted to minister to the fact that you’re single, and that maybe–just maybe–you don’t want to be. No encouragement, no “hey, it’s difficult; hang in there.” Just a little bit of that would go a long way.

  4. It’s the same in the United States. Research done by the Assemblies of God showed that women outnumbered men 4:1 among the evangelical churches, not only from the Assemblies of God. And their research showed that 75% of the single men in the United States were unchurched. There is a huge mission field in the United States for single men, but the church does not want to reach them. I have heard more than one pastor tell me that they don’t want single men in the church because they cause “problems” and prey on their women, tempting them into immorality, and that it’s better they come to church once they are married. This attitude is completely selfish, and contrary to the great commission of Jesus who calls us to go out and make disciples of all nations. But I feel for the single women, because so many will be left in a state of widowhood – in the sense that they will be unmmaried, without families and without children for the rest of their lives. Who will care for them when they are old, or if they get sick? And who will show them the love of a husband or family – you know, the kind of love and presence that married people receive everyday? This love is not an option for people – God made us to need each other, to need a mate, and many, many single women suffer as a consequence of this loss.

    If the church really loved one another as they ought, they would set it as a priority to get single men in the church, both for the sake of the men and their future families, but also for the sake of the vast numbers of their single sisters in the church. But the church does not love well, and too many pastors seem satisfied that as long as they receive love and affection and support of their families in their personal lives, these single women and men don’t matter. God will judge them one day for this sin. For Jesus said what you do for the least of those of his brothers, you do unto Him. Their inaction demonstrates their love for Jesus.

    1. Heather
      I agree with you in that the church has not made the single population a focus at all except to spend their time in service to the needs of the curch. I believe that most of the people running a church are married so they have no need to busy themselves with the unmarried. So it is up to the singles in a church to find an outlet for themselves in order to discuss these issues and find possible God sanctioned solutions.

  5. Oh boy don’t get me started up about this…..

    First off, I think (as has been mentioned in other blogs) that the problem isn’t that women’s standards are too high. In fact, I think more women need to raise their standards higher (settling for the professional/blue collar man who cheats, ex-felons etc). I think a lot of women are willing to settle…the problem is, there is no one to attempt the settling with. What, honestly, can you do if there are NO men? Especially coming from a Christian perspective….Christianity Today linked an article published by a British outlet that discussed specifically the fact that women in the U.K. who were active members of Christian churches outnumbered Christian men by, I believe, 4:1. So even if every not-already-married man were to, at that time, immediately take a wife, three women would still be left without spouses. I am sure that those numbers aren’t too far off in the States. *That* is something that needs to be addressed—since it is a serious matter that men are not in the churches, it needs to be asked, why is that the case? Do they not feel it is important? Or Is something else going on?

    I have brothers, male cousins, uncles, friends etc who were raised in a particular religion but either left or drifted away after they got older. Thus these men, who would have been potential spouses for the women of said denomination who want to marry someone who shares their faith, are no longer viable options for the women. Most of them did find SO’s outside of the faith, however, the women who are waiting continue to wait year after year. As it stands right now, I think more men need to be ministered to by other men, in order for them to grow into spiritual leaders…and men need to take the lead here…a man, I think, would be best able to address male spirituality and provide the impetus needed for growth. But, going back to the lack of available husbands problem, I don’t really have a clear-cut solution.

    And regarding the phenomenon of family members telling young women to stay away from boys until the day the magic switch flips and they are then supposed to be married…I have experienced this. I think a lot of the old-school really doesn’t get that in some ways, the game has changed. Getting to marriage is not as easy or simple as it used to be….my parents story, even, is a reflection of a simpler time lol….

    But, going back to the numbers…I am a mid-twenties Christian single. If you asked me to number my male peers in my denomination (single, Christian, same age range)….I can think of maybe seven….for the ENTIRE STATE that I live in, with three being in my immediate area, the largest metro in the state.

    In contrast, in my immediate metro, I know of about 23 mid-twenties single women. So that’s about 3:1 odds before branching out to include the rest of the state….so Houston, we have a problem…literally lolol (disclaimer: I do not live in Houston lol).

    1. The shortage of eligible men in the church is an ongoing plight of single Christian women. The solutions are choosing a man from another religion or someone not of the church (this is a topic on my list of things to blog about). It’s ashame that when we are ready to be settled the pond is dry

  6. Harleyq2 and Annonymous,

    I would like to ask the question what do you define as a good man? You see I have long concluded that women don’t really want a “good man” but rather what they want is someone who they think is a good man. To use an example, have you both seen the film, “A Good Man Is Hard To Find”? Its an African-American movie with a Christian slant. Anyway the point I wanted to make is that the good man in this film was the mechanic guy who spent his money on sending his wife to college to get an education. As soon as she got her education she was behaving as if he was no longer good enough for her so she was swept off her feet by her new boss who was suave, debonair, successful and all the rest of it. The result is she slept with the boss who then cast her aside when the husband found out. When she realised her error she wanted her husband back. To add to it the man put his own life of risk to give a kidney to his son was was involved with drugs gang and was shot.

    Now I dont want to argue about whether the film was good or whatever but I think it was a good depiction of the type of men some career-minded women go for who they think is “good” because of all the trappings. They don’t have eyes for the lowly obscure mechanic because they think he is beneath their station. Yet the lowly mechanic is truly the good man. Most women cannot recognise a jewel in the dust – they want someone who is already eye-pleasing and they think that anything less is “settling” or compromising themselves. What they do not realise is that the unassuming guy in the torn shirt or dirty sneakers might actually be a true prince in disguise.

    In a lot of cases some women who end up into their forties and still single didn’t end up there because they could not find a good man. In true many good men came into their lives and went but they could not look beyond outward appearances to see the good in them. I remember a lady relating a story that she saw a man on the street who she did not think much of because of his appearance. She was studying at the time and when she went to one class who did she see in front as her lecturer? The same man! This is why scripture says, man look at the outward part but God looks at the inward.

    I am not here to taunt you guys or to ridicule but just trying to give you some good advise. What makes you (in general – not you personally) think that because you have a degree or hold a certain job that you are superior to someone who do not. Aren’t we all spirit beings created by God? For me a Doctor is no more superior to a street cleaner. Have any of you heard of the street cleaner (bin man Andy Abraham) who became a singing star via xfactor? Who knows what God has in store therefore? In this life none of these things that we have or hold dear matters. Our achievements in this life or lack there of has no bearing on the next. So sometimes we need to humble oursleves and the Lord will draw near to us. You ladies may find that decent Christian man yet! Prepare your mind and heart for he may just be around the corner!

  7. I totally agree with you. Its seems like when I was younger and going through colleg, there was no talk from my family about boyfriends and marriage…actually I remember my father saying: Stay awat from the boys!!!…LOL…now it seems that taking about being in a relationship and getting married is all family seems to be concerned about…almost to the point of worrying about me. It can be frustrating at times. It would be nice to be in a healthy, Christ centered relationship-but I dont want to settle for less. Becoming deperate is a huge fear. Why get to this point in my life and settle?! It just doesnt make sense. Peace in my life if more important than being in a relationship.

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