Is Sex Worth the Sin for Single Christians?


In comparing men and women in the church, women are more obedient of the teachings of the bible. So, on that premise, I will assume that women are more likely to remain sexless for as long as possible when they are single. I was speaking with a single friend who lamented that her desires were becoming too much to bear and she is not sure what to do. My suggestion was to get a cheap version of the rabbit (a sex toy made popular by the tv show Sex and the City).

I recognize that this may be shocking and inappropriate for the very devout religious women; however, this is a reality of life for the ones without a husband. For many women, fornication is not an option but there is the new wave of single christians who are ignoring the biblical admonition and rationalizing that it is not good for a woman to go without such a simple pleasure. So the question begs to be answered is sex worth the sin if you are not able to wait?

  In the case of the Florida teacher that was fired for fornication, she obviously found it difficult to abstain even though she was engaged with an impending marriage. Is sex the downfall for most single christians? Afterall, it is impossible to get away from it (except in the church because it’s a taboo subject) with televisions, movies, billboards etc. The desire is not just from within but without.

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30 thoughts on “Is Sex Worth the Sin for Single Christians?

  1. Sex is a whole lot more than merely the joining of two body-parts. It is a one-flesh relationship where two people are joined into one, physically, emotionally and spiritually. God gave us the sexual relationship both for physical co-creation AND for deepening our ties and relationship with our spouse or partner. We give a piece of ourselves, a piece of our heart, when we join in sexual union. That is a part of us which we never get back, which within marriage, is wonderful, but outside of marriage, can result in long-term hurt.

    We have a very different relationship and marriage dynamic than existed in Bible times. Marriages were arranged and girls were married-off quite young. It is quite likely that Mary, the mother of Jesus, was only 13 or 14 when the angel appeared to her. By the age when American girls are just graduating from High School, she was a wife and mother with a growing house-full of kids. For a girl to still be unmarried and a virgin at 18 was unheard-of. Girls were raised to be a wife and mother, just as boys were raised to he a husband and father. A couple had also likely seen each other naked many times before their wedding-night, because everyone in their village shared the communal bathing facilities. There were no “What is that?” wedding-night surprises. Both had probably seen many babies born, since home-birth was the norm, rather than the exception.

    I am not here to preach or to judge. Judging another is God’s prerogative, not mine. Your decision is not my business, nor is it even your church’s or pastor’s. What you decide to do is between you and God. There was a young couple in the church I attended a few years ago who “went too far” and she got pregnant. They decided to get married in a private ceremony, and the next day, the pastor announced it in church. He didn’t simply announce the joyous occasion of their getting married, he also publicly announced their transgression. In my opinion, he made public what was nobody’s business, which was wrong.

    I can tell you from personal experience that I have regretted having premarital sex every time I had it. It did NOT enrichen our sex-lives once we got married. Quite the contrary, the fullest and richest sex-life that have experienced was my first marriage, where we had waited until AFTER the “I do’s” were said before having sex. We rocked and rolled on our wedding-night, and for 19-1/2 years thereafter, until her death. God also gave us four beautiful children.

    In Christ,

    Steve

    1. Steve,
      I don’t advocate for sex before marriage. It is against what the bible teaches but you are right to say that people have to make their own choices. I think the issue becomes so much more stressful because the natural sexual desires have been suppressed due to being single or lack of opportunity. So even though many Christians would like to wait until after marriage, it does not always happen because their untapped desires become overwhelming when a partner does come into the picture.
      I agree that sex should be more than the physical act; however, long term sexual frustration can lead to a temporary lapse in judgment for some women and men.

      1. I don’t advocate any form of non-marital sex either, but the fact that I have fallen more than once doesn’t give me licence to either preach or judge. Each time I fell WAS after a period of forced-abstinence, ie after one marriage had ended and before I got married the next time. Yes, I did marry the woman who I had sex with, but that never justified the act. Sexual sin has plagued me for many years, and has been my “thorn in the flesh” .

        Steve

  2. Wow fascinating question!!! When I was under 35 I would say hold out it will be special when you get married blah blah blah. Nowadays i just don’t think so anymore. I mean hold out out for what? Do I really expect to marry a 37 virgin guy?

    On reflecting on the Bible they had it so right encourage and make sure everyone is married by at the very least 21. Unless you have the gift of singleness and celibacy inborn within you. To be honest If I am gonna lose it I also think I would perfer to lose it the first time round to a person than to a toy but that’s just me. This is an area of my life I am struggling with. Although I have not given up my v-card yet, i am seriously toying with the idea. Who ever though it would come to this! *shockedsadface*

    What stops me sofar giving up so easily something I have fought for so many years? The continued wishful thinking that Mr Right will show up tomorrow after i have given away my v-card for the much cheaper friends with benefits package. However, Nowadays I am growing less and less optimistic about Mr Right so it’s easier to just sell out!

    1. Outcast, I posted the latter version :-). I do understand where you are coming from. I definitely gave up on waiting and just went for it a few years ago with someone I was dating for a while. I too was holding out for Mr To-Be-My-Husband. I think my motivation to go for it was seeing an old friend of mine who started her 40’s, still a virgin and waiting, which made me decided to screw the waiting because he may never come. What I have learned from the experience is that I need to be very emotionally connected to the man in order for the sex to be great. The truth is the virginity thing, for me, had lost all it’s meaning the older I was so, it was not as big a deal as it should have been if I were younger. This is not advocating to go for it but that whatever decision a person makes be sure to think it through first. Ultimately, I think sex means more and feels very satisfying when you are with someone you care about whether you are a virgin or not.

      1. I totally agree I have been told about the emotional connection thing As well! My blog is documenting my story a kinda christian Carrie bradshaw take in things if you get the chance check out my recent updates!!! Love your blog and value the honesty and interesting thought on this whole area! God Bless ya!!

  3. It saddens me to know, that people are relying more on their understanding and seeking their own solution to something only God can solve. It is by grace that we are saved, and it is also by grace that salvation begins in us shall be completed until we are fully redeemed onto our divine nature before our fall. This where Satan works the most in deceiving Christians with wavering faith…. again, I would reiterate, we should stop answering questions to ourselves… and stop looking for solutions in our means and only rely on God. I would have again state my case… since masturbation was my addiction before… and I just couldn’t help myself… until one day, I asked the father that He may grant me the grace to have a distaste of it, and only to live according to what He approves… and as good as He is always… He granted my prayer… one day… I just found myself having a great distaste in it… and I have this disinclination to even imagine morbid thoughts… that’s what I call grace… and it starts within me… it was not something that I labor for myself, or that I maneuvered with my own thought out solutions… IT WAS PURELY GOD’S GRACE!

    1. Ofelia, when you say addiction, is it in the sense of a sex addict? or just referring to the act of masturbation. I am glad that this is not an issue for you but it still is for a lot of singles (and some couples but that is another issue) with whom God has not taken away their sexual drive while they are without a mate. In the story of the teacher, she was obviously intimate with her fiance. God does not always remove the obstacles from people’s lives. If it were so, then we would all be very happy Christians all the time-no worries or struggles. God does not do everything for us: part of the time we have to do some of the work.

      1. My point is… it was an issue for me… BEFORE… BUT GOD GAVE THE SOLUTION… I gave Him my will to change according to what pleases Him… and He took it and did a miracle for me… He granted me grace to overcome my temptations as regard to masturbation… the point that I’m driving home at is… why not give Him the wheels rather on inventing some self-willed solutions that don’t really work out of our human weakness but would only plunge us deeper into sinfulness? Addiction to masturbation is just one area that I have been granted grace… as of the moment, I have still many areas of weaknesses that I lifted up to God, having offered Him my will and desire to change… and awaiting that day of gratification while at the same time…. I have come to realize… that giving Him my will and total reliance to Him is the only way to my total redemption from the bondages of sin….

        and to note… it is not that God has taken my sexual drive… it is only that, HE HAS GIVEN ME THE GRACE TO BE A MASTER OVER IT… HE HAS GIVEN ME THE GRACE TO CONTROL MYSELF IN THIS REGARD and has saved me from being a slave to it.

  4. **After posting I noticed a couple of errors: I meant to say that *also* a lot of things can spark desire unintentionally, and I also mispelled ‘required.’ sorry!

  5. @ Henry:

    ” I also think that if one’s innocence was kept in tact without any exposure at all to sex then one wouldn’t even think to engage in self-pleasure as well. Its like if you have never had ice-cream and never even heard of it you wouldn’t have desired it. I think therefore that once you have tasted you will have trouble in the flesh as Paul intimates in 1 Cor 7.”

    I will have to wholeheartedly disagree with this statement. Now, I can only draw from anecdotal experiences, my own and those of my female friends, but at least in our cases those things were NOT true. My parents were very careful about what I was exposed to as a child; I can only recall two instances of exposure– once while watching a television movie, where my eyes and ears were quickly covered, and once when my cousin got on top of me while we playing house, to mimic what (I’m guessing) he had seen his dad and girlfriend at the time doing. My parents were furious when I told them!
    However, both of those incidents occurred AFTER I had experienced sexual feelings (the feelings, though I did not fully understand them at the time, first happened around five or six years of age; the two incidents happened while I was in elementary school, between 7 and 9, I would say) …I have another friend who has said the same thing…that she first felt “feelings” around age five. A lot of unintentional things can spark desire–I first started masturbating at age 10, largely by accident. I had a rash develop around my areolas on both of my breasts (ant bites at the time), that requred a cream treatment. In applying the cream, I found that touching my breasts was very pleasurable, and that touching in turn sparked a desire to touch other places. I will add that for the record, I did start my cycle at age ten, so I *was* in puberty at that point.

    A lot of people have stories of coming into awareness of their sexuality purely by accident (I’ll have to find the link to a conversation about this in another forum that I remember from years ago)…and this is without all of the sex that comes to us via media. It did not occur to me at five to masturbate, but it has been documented that even babies do it, for the pleasure, though the bigger context is not fully manifested at that point.

    My parents, I think, did a fairly thorough job of protecting me from opportunities for premature external exposure. My struggles came from, I’d say, about 97% purely from the very strong desires that arose within myself. I prayed from the age of 10 for God to take away my feelings, because *obviously* they were bad and meant that I was not a good Christian, not spiritual enough. Every year until I was about nineteen, I said that I was going to kick the masturbation habit for good. My faith took a hit because it felt like my prayers weren’t being answered—and I never prayed for a husband, I felt like that was tantamount to weakness, selfish and unrealistic. (After all, didn’t Paul say that it is better to remain single? And there were no men to speak of in the pool that I would looking in for a spouse…) Since hitting my mid-twenties though, I have pretty much given up the fight against masturbation. It has kept me from falling into temptation with men who would have likely left me holding the bag with a baby, since I am constantly hounded by the swaggering thug types for some reason….which fortunately I don’t like but that is another story.

    1. Brittany, I think people are not always fully aware of the natural occurance of the human body. And children feel pleasure since a young age but it is as we get older that start equating certain “pleasures” with sexuality

  6. Harleyq2,
    I agree that sex is a topic that is taboo in most churches and I aware that many single men and women in the church are indulging in fornication but obviously this can’t be worth the sin. It will taste pleasurable during but after it leaves a bad taste in your mouth after you realise what you have done. Fornication is a sin! Lets be clear on that because that is what the Bible says. Paul says it is good if you can contain but it is better to marry than to burn. Jesus also said that some are made eunuchs for the kingdoms sake but this is for those that can receive it. The Bible clearly recognises the struggles with the flesh hence why marriage is emphasized. Perhaps in olden days people got married at a much younger age to prevent fornication. In todays day and age also young people are exposed to much sex/sexual imagery in books, billboards and TV and this heightens ones curiosity and passions. So this makes it harder to live in celibacy. I also think that if one’s innocence was kept in tact without any exposure at all to sex then one wouldn’t even think to engage in self-pleasure as well. Its like if you have never had ice-cream and never even heard of it you wouldn’t have desired it. I think therefore that once you have tasted you will have trouble in the flesh as Paul intimates in 1 Cor 7.

    I certainly think the church can and should do more in this area to help singles instead of simple stating that fornication is a sin.

    1. Henry, your last statement is exactly my point. Singles face a lot more ‘temptations’ these days than they did in the time of Christ. however, the church tends to ignore this completely. So when people do not have guidance or at least addressing an issue then it is very easy for people to overtaken by feelings.
      The teenagers in the churches are a very clear example.

  7. It’s sad that your h church doesn’t discuss sex—our church has been discussing it the whole month of June and how the bible ordiains it in marriage. He will even have a question and answer dialogue using 3×5 cards. All churches should have been discussing this starting, at lease 20 years ago (more like 40) because that’s when abortion was legalized and divorce go t out of hand in christian circles

    1. I agree that talking sex should be a open topic but it seems that the older and more conservative the church the less likely they are to discuss real issues that affect the members. At my current church the is paster is about 80 years old so that will be the last thing on his mind 🙂

      1. @Harleyq2
        Maybe you need to get a petition together to show a ‘need’ amongst the single congregants and seek your Pastor’s permission to run an open forum or series of discussions. Sometimes the problems pop out to us because it is in our power to be the solution or the answer to the question… Check out my blog, I just addressed this issue of singleness and finding solutions.

        1. Good idea Divine; howver, my former church (since I have not attended in a few months) is very set on what they or should I say the pastor wants to accomplish. He only has one goal to preach the coming of Christ and everything else is not very relevant (at least that’s what I get). Even though the church is best place to address these ‘singles’ issues, it is not allowed unless the church and it’s members are progressive

      2. @Harleyq2 Consider this… you have single female friends within & without your congregation so why not run the survey among them, hear where their hearts are, what’s going on in their minds. You may find that their may be a few of them who would be willing to be part of an informal ‘Girls Club’ in which the agenda is about addressing the issues which matter to you all…singleness, careers, growing in God…

        To up the ante you may even consider inviting ‘others’ i.e. Christians with experience in particular fields, from time to time to share from their own experiences and be part of the discussion toward wholeness in God. Surely your Pastor cannot control what you do outside the congregation. Just be careful not to focus your attention on ‘that’ membership as that could be seen as …insubordination?

        Throw in some fun things like nights out, movies… and just get a discussion going.

        A non-Christian friend of mind runs a quarterly debate club out of her home with pot luck food contributed and everyone has a chance to contribute toward the next topic for discussion. Consider this…there are more than one way to skin a snake…they say.

        x

  8. Oh yeah, the main/only “discussion” from the church is…wait for it…DON’T DO IT, don’t think about it, heck, don’t even **say** the word! (Forgive me for being a tad facetious, but yeah.)

    I’m one of those backsliders Jules talked about: once I had my daughter, I thought I’d return to church to try to shake that guilt/shame off….but NOOOOOO….I and my single mama co-congregants STAYED being summoned to the altar! As such, I have yet to return and eventually just gave up; I judge myself harshly enough, and frankly I don’t need any assistance (via the church or otherwise). Then again, this church was the first I ever joined, and may possibly be the last…who knows. [I guess this is a decent time as any to write my own post on this subject.]

    Barring that, though, I too advocate for “harnessing the solo power”…if only to minimize the baggage and sundry foolishness.

    1. In all my years of being in a church, there has been 2 discussions from the pulpit that entails sex and they were so brief it was not worth it. The church at times can harsh and unforgiving. Despite that, there is a sense of community once you find the right church which I am still looking for

    2. @Rainebeaux
      As an active member of the Body of Christ I must take this opportunity to apologize for the feeling of condemnation the ‘Church’ extended to you as a result of your sin. As you rightly said, you already had your own conviction and the truth is your repentance is a matter between you and God.

      The Church only comes into play because you may be identified with it and your error is in fact also a scar on its face as far as ministering to your community is concerned. Nonetheless, the Church is not called to heap condemnation on those who themselves are repentant, we exist to help to restore and build up. For this therefore I apologize and would encourage you to not allow any error, your own or anyone else’s to hinder your pursuit of a relationship with God.

      Fortunately for mankind, God is able to work ALL things together for our good. Yet this is not a license to sin but as in your case in which genuine repentance i.e. acknowledgement of sin and a willingness to turn back to God, He forgives and is well able to make good of your life.

  9. Nothing is worth the sin, because the load on your conscience is sometimes too much to bear. What I have seen though is that when many christian single women find themselves having intercourse outside of marriage oftentimes they stop attending church, backsliders so to speak. But I have not known any who it does not way upon her conscience.

    1. I do agree that most women struggle with the feeling that they had done something so terrible that they do leave the church. Others have become pregnant and quickly marry to cover the act. Unfortunately as women stay single longer, the choice to be celebate starts to get weaker

  10. First, I LOVE the new look of the blog! Second, I think it’s wonderful and empowering that Christian women “take their sexual urges into their own hands,” so to speak. I think what CW need to realize is that the erhm…clitoris…and the pleasure derived from this tiny little organ, is a God’s gift! He put that there for YOUR pleasure. Knowing this is key, I believe, to dispel any guilt associated while pleasuring yourself. Great topic!

    1. Thanks Radom,
      The sad truth is sex is not discussed in the church and most women are afraid to explore and find out about their bodies because sex=sin/shame. The church tends to emphasize that the God given sex is only for marriage and while you are single you need to lock it away

    2. I totally agree, ‘The clitoris is put there for MY pleasure’ HOWEVER the issue of self-pleasuring i.e. masturbation is NOT an issue of depriving oneself from a God-intended pleasure.

      Abstaining from masturbation is a matter of drawing on the divine nature with which you have been sealed in the Holy Spirit, a fruit of which is SELF CONTROL. And although we would prefer otherwise, God is really more interested in WHO we are becoming as a result of the challenges we face from day to day. As such self-control is a vital character trait in those who would be called His.
      (Moses lost his right to enter the promised Land because he had an issue with anger. Had he exercised self-control when God told him to speak to the rock he would have entered…)

      A single life without sex is undoubtedly a challenge and even more so when it seems to our naked eyes that there are no nubile prospects around. However the choices we make even in this state desperation for sexual intimacy will have an impact on our character…on who we are becoming over time. Would we therefore really want to miss the mark for a few minutes of ‘pleasure’ when the companionship we truly long for is still unfulfilled?

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