Long Distance Relationships…Singles Beware

Long distance relationships are not a new concept. I remember years ago before the world-wide web we were encouraged to send letters to pen pals overseas. On the adult side, there was the vile practice of mail order brides. The purpose of both is to connect with someone who was literally out of reach. With the introduction of online dating, long distance relationships have become the norm for singles seeking romance options.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to expand one’s dating options but the concern begins when fantasy and high expectations eclipse the reality of the situation. For most singles who are choosing this as an option, it appears that desperation has become the driving force instead of good sense. It seems an oxymoron when long distance and relationship is used in the same sentence when specifically referring to two people who have never met each other or most of the connection is over the phone or computer.

To have a relationship with someone means to truly experience that person and the only way to do that is to have both people in the same space. The ‘space’ is not referring to living together but having the ability to be around each other and to experience different life situations whether good or bad.

It seems funny to me when singles make comments that they know someone yet having never met him/her in person or having occasionally planned encounters every so often. The connection that two people have with each other is so much more than talking or typing. It is the feeling, vibe, aura that comes from being in someone’s presence and seeing his/her behaviors which can never be replaced by a phone or computer conversation.

Everyone attempts to present a good front to a new potential partner. Long distance relationships are like having repeated first dates where is it impossible to wade through the smoke and mirrors and begin to get to know the man/woman sitting across from you. Due to the inability to be a witness to a potential partner’s character, the long distance forces each person to create their own fantasy or desire and unfairly project that image. So when a single do finally get the opportunity to get to know the real person, the disappointment can be tremendous because the individual may not be able to live up to the  fantasy and expectations.

Relationships in general require hard work even when distance is not a factor. Long distance is not for everyone but for those who chose this route think about it carefully. It requires planning  and being realistic about the disadvantages before two singles can begin to have a healthy relationship.


9 thoughts on “Long Distance Relationships…Singles Beware

  1. I understand this concept all to well sadly. I just recently got out of a “internet” dating thing. By thing i mean i was talking to someone a long way off over a chat messenger and we called it quits. Yes i would like to find someone but because i don’t relate to people around me i have to broden my viewing range. I am different that alot of guys in different ways and i think women notice this and are unattracked to me for it.

    I know internet dating is probably not going to help much but i can’t go out and find friends to be around so finding a woman to date is gonna be a real kicker there. Atleast here i get an insight into what she has views on. I wouldn’t mind long distance as long as we could eventually find a way to stay together.

    Am i desperate like you mentioned earlier? I feel an urgency to find a woman yes but desperate no. I just long for love so bad. And the longer i don’t have someone the older i will be when i have kids and the less time i will be able to spend with my family on this earth so sooner seems like a good thing to shoot for. I just wish i could believe it will happen.

    1. One of the issues with internet dating (without meeting as soon as possible) is that people tend to not be able to see the other person’s true self which can be dangerous at times. So think about what you have to offer to yourself as well as to someone else and that makes it easier to relate to others. I know alot of people believe in talking with someone for a long time before meeting but I recommend meeting and seeing the person, then proceed to openning up on the phone or skype etc.

  2. Ofelia Ancajas,
    I totally agree with you. Love is indeed a decision and hence why arranged marriages can work. Some people on the other hand who are somewhat misguided think they can “fall in love” with someone (particularly women). As such many have this fairytale notion that their prince charming will come riding on the white charger to whisk them away to be happy ever after. But there is no such thing called love at first sight. There can be infatuation, like or lust at first sight but not love. So to add to your point love is a decision and also a process as it develops and evolves over time.

  3. I think… the measure of distance is in the heart… you can be as close as inches away from someone but shut him/her out of your world, or you can be 80 miles away from someone but share your whole self with him/her… the decision of intimacy is in the hands of each individual in the relationship… and it depends on how honest they can be towards each other and how willing they are to sacrifice their time and risk their self to be vulnerable to each other… and after all… It takes a DECISION for them to make it work.. the reason that one is holding back from being that intimate or committed is because, he/she hasn’t really decided yet whether or not to take that relationship seriously… he’s/she’s not yet convinced.

    @ Henry

    Arranged marriages… interestingly, I heard that a bigger percentage of that kind of marriage works… just to prove this again… to Love, to be in Love… is a DECISION. When you decide to love, you decide and commit yourself in that relationship… so no matter what happens… you stick to it. But when one loves according to how she/he feels… it changes as the feeling changes… because feelings can be very inconsistent and partial… and… it doesn’t last…

  4. What an awesome topic. Man, I have been there done that and NEVER again. Hellz no to the LDR. I know a few people who have maintained LDR until they could marry and move to be in one location, so it can work even across continents. However, most will fail after some time.

    1. The biggest reasons why LDR fail is because both people do not realize that getting to know someone takes time and personal interaction. I can’t imagine ever considering marrying someone I have not spend ALOT of time with in person. Just the thought of ever getting into a LDR is frustrating.

      1. Harleyq2,
        Not defending the Long Distance thing or anything but it is also possible to live with someone for 20 years and still not know them, or so I’ve heard. It all depends on how honest and open a man or woman wants to be. Sometimes if a woman sees a man and she really likes what she sees in him, she can play straight into his hand by pretending to have the same sort of values and to like the same things etc to try and match his expectations in a woman. Of course the reverse of this is also true. How about arranged marriages where two people come together in marriage who are perfect strangers? Hmm! Interesting debate though.

        1. I believe that when two people live together and not “know each other” then it’s their fault because of lack of communication. People can only pretend/hide themselves for so long and it’s up to the partners to have their eyes open. Arrange marriages are a little different because of cultural reasons which each person has no control over. I am sure that quite a few arranged marriages are very unhappy and they just have to live with each other because divorce is not accept. With arranged marriage, the couples are not required to trully get to know each other but they have to fulfil a commitment.

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