In my initial posting about childbearing and being a single mother I felt very adamant about the directions I will be taking to be a mother. However, a recent harder slap in the face is making me think otherwise. Making me think alternatives that I was not ready to handle.
Adoption has been a dream of mine even before I ever seriously thought I wanted children. The idea of adopting has brought such hope that I had plan to document and write a children’s book (personal rather than for production) about my experience which would end in a happy note: me being a mother. It was going to be a life book for my first child. I have to say when I started this process over 2 1/2 years ago, I had very high expectations. I was so ready because I had thought about taking this route 2 years prior. I was in the right place and the right frame of mind.
I should have known better. The foreshadow of what will be was evident in the beginning. Throughout all the classes, I took note that I was the only single person. The licensing worker also made a point of telling me that being single would give me a better advantage when it comes to certain children. Well, 2 1/2 years later, being a single working profession is actually a disadvantage. I quickly realize that I was vying against families with two parent incomes or stay at home mothers. I have to admit that I can see why those households are more prefered over mine. However, it is very hard to acknowledge.
I am currently waiting on a decision about a particular 7-year-old girl and I cannot say that I feel very hopeful. I think I am already mourning the disappointment of this process. If I get a yes, oh course I will be overjoyed. However, if I get a ‘no’ then I will officially stop the adoption process.
I truly realize why couples spend so much money on the fertility process or adopt outside the US. So, if I do get a ‘no’ then I have to consider what I plan to do about wanting to be a mother. It is ironic for me that a new movie The Switch is opening which portrays a single woman choosing motherhood through in vitro fertilization. I honestly had to say I thought about that process once or twice but concluded that this was not the right thing for me because I do not want to be pregnant and single; however, in the last week, the idea is gaining stronger momentum than ever before. Taking that route is not a guarantee either. I am aware that I am at the age where women are starting to having problems getting pregnant and I am not getting any younger. A woman usuall finds out about fertility issues when she starts trying.
Maybe I am being pessimistic or lacking faith that adoption will work for me. I am just going by my experience in the last 2 1/2 years and it has not been positive. I also realize that I do not have the ‘heart’ to keep this going without causing great emotional damage to myself. This is an unbelievably difficult position to be in. It’s also very stressful. I am so resentful of those parents who should never have been fertile or have children they cannot afford but no one scrutinize them. For us adoptive parents, our lives are turned upside down and everything is picked apart, compared, and judged. So anyway, I can’t do anything right now but to wait and see. Stay tuned!