It took the CPS team 10 days after my phone interview (actually it is over a month or so since I expressed interest in this child) to make a decision about a darling 7-year-old child who is in foster care. I received the message on my phone today and it was not a surprise. It is a no-go for this household. However, the thing that did surprised and bothered me greatly was that the CPS team did not choose ANY of the families competing for this child (believe me this adoption process is a competition of the best looking family on paper). I thought this is very F-ed up.
I think I am more confused now about the process than when I started. Even my adoption worker commented that she does not know what criteria these people are looking for in a family. Seriously! So because they did not find the “perfect” family for this child, she remains in foster care still waiting for the next round of contestants to start this ridiculous show all over again. Did I mention this is F-ed up!
I acknowledge that this has worked well for some families and I am truly happy for them but… I really have no words for my experience especially this final situation. Neither did I have any words with the child before this, they did not want to start the family review because they did not have enough families vying for the child. When the review did start, then the team changed their minds on having the child adopted as single to mandating that she needed to be adopted with her brother. Anyways, as promised, I did informed my adopting agency of my decision to discontinue and I am just waiting for the wrap up and ending of this journey. I cannot say that I will look back on this with fond memories.
So what’s the next step? I wish I knew. I am not one to put a time limit on such things as motherhood but the reality is I am not getting any younger. I would like to enjoy this experience and share what I have to offer to a child when I am young enough to do so. I am not trying to join the trend of becoming a first time mother at grandma age. I don’t care how youthful someone is but my belief is child care and rearing requires the energy of the young. I have seen too many grandparents raising grandchildren and there is an obvious difference and deficit due to age.
So my logical options are (in no logical order):
1. move to another state and try the adoption fiasco there and hope and pray for something different
2. Attempt the artificial Intra-uterine Insemination (IUI) process and pray and hope for the best that it works and go through pregnancy as a single
3. Wait and marry someone (before I am old) who has children and take on the role of stepmother
4. Pray and hope that I may meet and marry someone with father potential while my eggs still has some life and try for the pregnancy with a hubby
5. Save or borrow enough money to do an overseas adoption (my ideal). I think the minimum cost for overseas these days is $30,000
6. Just forget about being a mother and live with it (the hardest reality of all)
At moments like these I wish to be a kid again when I did not have to think about such things and life was simplier (in hindsight). Oh well, one thing I did learn is that there are some very beautiful children out there who need good homes and some love, safety and structure in their lives. Some of the kids need a little more understanding and patience than others but they were all absolutely a blessings.