Motherhood Plan #2 or 3 or 4


It took the CPS team 10 days after my phone interview (actually it is over a month or so since I expressed interest in this child) to  make a decision about a darling 7-year-old child who is in foster care. I received the message on my phone today and it was not a surprise. It is a no-go for this household. However, the thing that did surprised and bothered me greatly was that the CPS team did not choose ANY of the families competing for this child (believe me this adoption process is a competition of the best looking family on paper).  I thought this is very F-ed up.

I think I am more confused now about the process than when I started. Even my adoption worker commented that she does not know what criteria these people are looking for in a family. Seriously! So because they did not find the “perfect” family for this child, she remains in foster care still waiting for the next round of contestants to start this ridiculous show all over again. Did I mention this is F-ed up!

I acknowledge that this has worked well for some families and I am truly happy for them but… I really have no words for my experience especially this final situation. Neither did I have any words with the child before this, they did not want to start the family review because they did not have enough families vying for the child. When the review did start, then the team changed their minds on having the child adopted as single to mandating that she needed to be adopted with her brother. Anyways, as promised, I did informed my adopting agency of my decision to discontinue and I am just waiting for the wrap up and ending of this journey.  I cannot say that I will look back on this with fond memories.

So what’s the next step? I wish I knew. I am not one to put a time limit on such things as motherhood but the reality is I am not getting any younger. I would like to enjoy this experience and share what I have to offer to a child when I am young enough to do so. I am not trying to join the trend of becoming a first time mother at grandma age. I don’t care how youthful someone is but my belief is child care and rearing requires the energy of the young. I have seen too many grandparents raising grandchildren and there is an obvious difference and deficit due to age.

So my logical options are (in no logical order):

1.  move to another state and try the adoption fiasco there and hope and pray for something different

2. Attempt the artificial Intra-uterine Insemination (IUI) process and pray and hope for the best that it works and go through pregnancy as a single

3. Wait and marry someone (before I am old) who has children and take on the role of stepmother

4. Pray and hope that I may meet  and marry someone with father potential while my eggs still has some life and try for the pregnancy with a hubby

5. Save or borrow enough money to do an overseas adoption (my ideal). I think the minimum cost for overseas these days is $30,000

6. Just forget about being a mother and live with it (the hardest reality of all)

At moments like these I wish to be a kid again when I did not have to think about such things and life was simplier (in hindsight). Oh well, one thing I did learn is that there are some very beautiful children out there who need good homes and some love, safety and structure in their lives. Some of the kids need a little more understanding and patience than others but they were all absolutely a blessings.

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7 thoughts on “Motherhood Plan #2 or 3 or 4

  1. I really feel for you. I myself wish to have children but do not feel i would be able to raise them alone. Plus i wouldn’t be able to suport them and me by myself. I know people think its strange for a guy to say this but i am not the average guy. I want kinds of my own, i would like to have a wife first but i am not sure thats gonna happen either. I hope you have some luck finding a way of haveing your own kids good lady.

  2. Another interesting tidbit that people do not know about adoptions is that young children are very rare commodity and babies are close to non-existent (unless you have enough money to influence the decision making process). An adoptive family will have better luck if they want teenagers or sibling groups. My age range was 0-10 yrs (I had to increase my age range about a year in the process) female, open race.

  3. To add…which, not being entirely sure of how the process works but in taking a guess, you could be qualified the answer still be a “no” for whatever reason. And then if you want to keep going, you have to start all over again…and this can, I’m sure, take at the very least several months. And having resources. Anywho…I’m very sorry about this.

    1. I chose to go through the state instead of private (which is more difficult) adoption. I went to an initial orientation for private adoption and would not have been qualified because I could not show that I was UNABLE to have children. My initial contact to start the process was in Jan 2008, then you get to chose an adoption agency and have their initial meeting. Then there is the 11 week mandatory class plus all the fingerprinting for back ground checks, a physical to make sure you are healthy… etc.and when everything is sent in then you wait for the state to approve you. Then you wait some more and licensing worker sends you possible choices and you either say yes this child maybe a fit or no this child is too much to handle. then there is some more waiting if you say yes. The child’s team needs to wait and evaluate all the potential bidding parents and make choice is “more suitable”. If you say no, then there is another waiting period before a next child is available again etc. It is not a simple process. If you are adopting through the state, then you have to think about what behaviors and issues the child has that you can handle. It can range from mild-severe. With overseas adoptions, there are more children to adoptive parents ratio.

  4. If nothing else, this has has shed a lot of light on the adoption process, period, for me. It’s so funny how people make adoption sound so easy (“oh, you didn’t find a husband in time, you can always adopt” or “well, if you can’t biologically have a child, you can always adopt” ) when in fact the process is not easy, in fact for some I think scaling the Great Wall of China will be easier. There has also been a lot of negative opinion surrounding individuals who make the decision to adopt internationally, which I can only imagine comes from those who are completely ignorant as to how the process works here in the states…and for all those women being advised in Essence mag to adopt children if nothing else, to fulfill their dream of building a family….it will be very disappointing to discover just how difficult an undertaking that will be…if you think kicking a no-good man to the curb can be upsetting emotionally….try being told that you are not “qualified” to parent a beautiful child that you have already fallen in love with…sigh…I can only imagine.

  5. Hi Harley,

    I want to say I am sorry for the outcome of your adoption attempt, but I cannot say I am sorry things worked out the way they did. The reason I say this is because I truly believe in the passage that states “all things work together for good”. I know as humans disappointment of any form is hard, and even when we see the logic and wisdom behind why we did not get what we desired, the heart is still pained. Keep in good cheer knowing that God is working things perfectly out for you. You may not be able to see the what or how, but trust that things are working in perfect order for you. Keeping yourself in perfect prayer and keeping good faith always, you will live to look back on this experience and one day see why it went this way. God sees what we can’t and knows what we don’t. Just remember that there is nothing impossible for God, dot not ever lose faith in your desire, because God is good and gives us the desires of our heart. As Jesus said, when we pray believe we have received and it will be so. Blessings, peace, and love on your journey.

    1. Thanks for the encouragement Jules. I agree that we do not always know God’s plan. However, I don’t believe that there is always a “good thing” waiting next behind door number two. I think at times unpleasant things just happens and we need to deal with it. I can’t say if this is one of those things. I definately have not loss faith but I can’t help ask “what’s the plan God.”

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