Relationship Warning Bells


Relationships are like diets in the sense that almost everyone is looking for a quick and easy way that will produce great results in a short period of time. People sometimes overlook some potentially obvious problems and ignore good advice. A good relationship just like a good diet is that the person needs to make sure the choices are wholesome, well-rounded, things you can enjoy in moderation and most importantly it needs to fit your lifestyle and maintain it for a lifetime.

  A recent Christian college friend of mine revealed that there was trouble in her marriage. It was her change of profile status from Married to Single that prompted some further inquiry. In the past, I have never really care much to be in a couple’s business of whom are in the process of separating and possibly getting a divorce; however, this person is an old friend and she is my age. My curiosity was what in the world happened and can they fix it?

From her correspondence with me, it appears that the union is more than likely at an end which is to her displeasure. Because I know her and not the groom, I automatically take a side even without knowing the full scope of the situation (I am only human). Despite that, I do pray for them both to have divine guidance especially since kids are involved.  A family breaking apart is such a nasty business and the lifetime movies (I can admit to watching on occasion) do not compare to reality.

The part of all this that stimulated my single gal thought process was what she said to me about their dating situation. “When we were dating I recognized his faults and accepted them fully and still wanted to be married.” Naturally, the single gal and therapist bells went off very loudly in my head (hindsight reaction). Apparently, one major fault has interfered significantly in their relationship to the point of the couple going from Married to Single.  Everyone knows that there are no perfect humans but the question is when is someone’s fault too great  that it becomes a major warning sign rather than a “challenge” you think you can overcome?

Single gal bell: I can admit to being in a dating situation when the bells went off loudly and I had to stop and check myself as well as check with a dear friend. I came to a conclusion that the fault was too great for me to handle and it was the responsibility of the person to check himself and get his sh*t together first. Compromise is not a dirty word; however, it all depends on the issues, what you can handle, and how much each person is working on their own faults. Singles seem to acquire a godlike complex in which we are sure we can fix or improve someone else. Wrong! Even Jesus emphasized that each person need to confess their own sins and take responsibilities for their own choices to change or not.

Therapist Bell: I have heard too often, to the point of losing count, of adults getting together with a partner and only later the problems they choose to overlook becomes the corner-stone of the relationship and most importantly the kids undoing. The gravity of people’s choices always seem to come in hindsight never foresight. What’s up with that?

I realize people will quote the bible about forgiveness and acceptance. These are all things I believe in; however, the heart of the matter is that some of us are totally screwed up and this will not go away with a ring and a paper. When does a single person draw the line in the sand and say your problem is too big of a problem so it’s time to walk away? The good things about humans are we each have varying limits and tolerances. So like everything else, the potential partners faults need to be checked under a microscope, thoroughly evaluated, and come to an INFORMED decision that you can handle his/her problems until death do you part (I  don’t mean one partner killing the other). The biggest piece missing from this puzzle is to check and double-check with a good friend or trusted confidant who will give you good feedback straight up with no chasers. Don’t forget some good wholehearted prayer mixed in.

In hindsight for my friend, her husband’s fault had cause some major issues with a budding career and ultimately the family. According to her, he CHOOSES not to  address the issue. A lesson for singles are that people need to clean up their own sh*t while you support their endeavours (note I said support NOT try to do it for them). When someone blatantly runs away from his/her responsibilities/demons, then you should be sprinting from that person with the warning bells chasing you.


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