How Many Are Too Many Sexual Partners?

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Men have a tendency to brag and inflate the number of women they have bedded in their lifetime. For the very narcissistic one’s, the number increases with each conversation. The purpose for that is to impress the women with the idea of him having a deluge of sexual skills and inflate a fragile ego. Women, who have become very sexually liberated, can challenge even the most studly of men when it comes to partners. This was fictionally portrayed in the character of Samantha in Sex and the City.

How does that affect Christian men and women? Well, the church is made up of a  majority of brethren and sistren who are “coming out of the world” and with less than Christian pasts. So amongst the most important questions to ask such as what is your credit score? any STD? mental illness in the family? is by the way what’s the tally on your sexual conquest? Depending on the answer, you may be relieved or panicked.

Just as most men are weary of women with many sexual experiences, women need to be equally cautious of men with too many notches that may break a bed post. This could indicate some problems with commitment and or where s/he places sex in terms of importance. Is it a turn off when the count is over 5? 10? 15? As Christians, we should forgive and leave it all in the past; however, I am finding that many Christians are not taking a vow of celibacy until marriage so this does become a cause to ask about past partners.  

 An older male non-Christian friend of mine talks very freely about his partners (usually appropriate in the conversation) and it was not until a few days ago I thought about what his conquest number would be. I had to ask myself if I would be okay with a man who has an above 5 number in my age group and most of his experiences are through casual or brief encounters. Is there an intimidation factor when one partner has racked up much more pillow time than the other? Some women do expect that their male counterpart should be well versed in the language of sex; however, that can translate into being compared to previous lovers or a fear of not measuring up for both genders.

I recognize that this conversation does not fall within the biblical ideals and this would never be a topic for any church service. If the world turned as God intended, everyone would be a lily white virgin until marriage (this includes no hanky panky during dating). However, that is not the case and Christians still need to be en garde.  Just like the heart, sex is another window to the soul. My firm opinion is that with each partner a conscientious  person gives away a little piece of him/herself whether good or bad. So, if the conquest number is high, then what’s left of that person for you? Does each vagina and penis become a blur? Are you robbed of feeling special? 

As Christians, we would be lying if we do not admit to comparing one relationship to the next. We compare dates, personalities, kisses, marriages, food etc and sex is no different. My male friend pointed out that women are the worst because we go into major details about our partners-sexual or otherwise and I would agree. As women, we are talkers and very detailed oriented. I have talked to women who were more than forthcoming about who did what best and measured up or went limp.

Of course people cannot change their past but is someone with a high number of past conquest seem less than attractive. Would you be able to put such a thing aside even if you think the person has changed?


13 thoughts on “How Many Are Too Many Sexual Partners?

  1. I was raised in the church my mom a minister my dad and active member, my mom made sure I was in choir, praise dance etc.. It was to the point that church was my extra curricular activity… I’m 28 years old and I am just now learning about keeping myself and praying that God forgive me for being out and laying in bed with people that weren’t my husband.. I was a curious mind and because the “church people” were so closed minded they never taught me about making sure that I fought temptation, what it was going to look like, and how it felt Good. I always wanted to be loved or have someone accept me for me so I did do things that were embarrassing to the church. Now I’m asking God to restore and clean me… It’s definitely hard asking people in church to help pray for you and how to deal with the urges and guilt.

    1. Sex is not a topic that is discussed much or at all by church members. You used the word “clean” but you are not dirty. You just made mistakes and decisions that you are not proud of today. Everything is forgiven when it comes to God. Ultimately, your choices are not about the church members and their approval but between you and God. Keep in mind that each church member has their own sins that needs to be forgiven or have been forgiven. No one is perfect.

  2. I have realized that my wife’s previous experience is having a serious impact on my marriage. I thought it was a sin to bring up embarrassing questions such as “how many partners have you had”, but I suspect this has had repercussions in my sex life. I think her number reaches the double digits (we got married at 23) without including myself and after almost a dozen years, we have averaged 12-20 relations per year. I have always been frustrated, but I have become even more annoyed by this ever since I’ve seen statistics that say that the average is 98-120 times a year. Is it a sin to ask? On the one hand, I know she is forgiven by his blood. On the other hand, it’s killing me and I think it’s behind many of our problems.

    1. It is NEVER a sin to have open discussions about ANY topic particularly with your spouse. Open communication in marriage or any relationship is very important to the longevity of the relationship. Frankly before anyone gets married, singles should have conversations that involve “how many partners have you had?” “what’s your credit report?” and “show me your last STD check.”

      When you say “12-20 relations” I am assuming you mean sex. After 12 years of marriage, her previous sex partners may not be the underlying issue. I would venture to say that the core problem is how you both relate to each other over the last few years as well as personal insecurities.

      Recommendations: Let your wife know that you are concerned about your sexual relationship and you want to sit with her and talk candidly about the state of your marriage. She may be having concerns herself that she is not sharing with you. Be specific about the problem from your experience WITHOUT blaming. This involves using “I” statements eg. I feel frustrated that we are having sex a few times a month and I wanted us to sit and talk our relationship. Ultimately, if you both can open a dialogue, then that may help identify and subsequently work on the problems that you both are having in your relationship. If all else fails, then seek a marriage counselor.

  3. That is a topic never really discussed in churches. I too have thought about this topic before and I am not sure where my line would be drawn…5?10?15? I don’t know. I guess it depends on how old the man is, how long he has been a Christian and such.

    As Christians we’re suppose to forgive just like Christ continues to forgive us. He doesn’t draw a line and say “you have sinned way too much to be forgiven,” so I think we should also not judge a man/women for the number of partners in their past.

    But it’s difficult, especially when one has saved him/herself for marriage and hopes that the other person has too.

    1. “But it’s difficult, especially when one has saved him/herself for marriage and hopes that the other person has too.” Zi, I think people forget how very human we are. Paul states that he does the things he should not do etc. The issue is we all have to make choices about what is right for each of us. If you can live with your decision then fine but if you cannot then that is something to think about. There is a big difference and difficulty between forgiving someone whom you have no intimate affiliation with vs someone you want to be a partner. As we make choices, we should pray about them.

  4. Im in my thirtys and I have been a single christian for 3 years with a christian lifestyle Im just not a christian! Sex is kept between a man and a woman.If you had sex out of wed lock before you changed your life,then you and your mate can discuss the details.But if your dating which shouldnt be to long because lust and sexual feelings will become more and more challenged. Who cares how many partners they had if you love them and God put you to together get tested and move on because there maybe alot from each others past you wont like. If your going to call your self a christian please dont lead astray the ones that are interested in God. You are to lead people to christ not confuse them .Read Rick Warren’s Book Purpose Driven Life Just Sayin I know freedom of speech is true but lets keep it real! LT

    1. LT, I am not sure which part of the blog is leading anyone astray or away from God. However, people’s past can be an issue for some men and women because we are human beings. Keep in mind that infidelity is also in the church as well. Sexual partners just like drugs, alcohol, mental illness etc is a part of a person and each individual have the right to say: I am concerned about this or that. It is also up to each person to say yes or no to a person’s past and what they are comfortable with. As Christians, we should not be afraid to talk about the difficult things in life because ignorance gets us into trouble. If you don’t think a person’s past is not important even for christians, then why is it you never heard of a pastor marrying a former prostitute or drug addict etc. Eventhough Jesus’s earthly bloodline comes from Rahab-the harlot. That’s keeping it real.

  5. Sometimes, I think that many ‘churched kids’ aren’t told much of the negatives of this behavior and the heartbreak if she gets pregnant. It could be that the people in the church act tooo conservative to discuss things in the BIBLE (religious) because the BIBLE talks about what happens when you don’t (Rahab the harlot, King Davids sin with Bathsheba which led to him losing his children; including Solomon later) converts who were in the world wouldn’t want what they came out of ……People need to bring up Solomon too, even though he had wisdom in the past when he wrote Proverbs, he became polygamous and probably sacrificed some of his children to Molech but he came back later, and it made Israel so weak morally that the Persians destroyed it–hard to believe–if kids were taught THAT, they would stay more pure until marriage.

    1. Zipporah, I totally agree that Christians need to be open. Almost everything is taboo in the church. I remember having so many questions but never got any answers in the christian world. This is the reason for my blog. I know that most of my topics will never be a part of a church group discussion. I trully believe that sometimes people “go outside the church” in order to understand a true appreciation of what Christ has to offer

  6. Not all women are talkative about their sexual history or experiences. My close girlfriends and I are pretty close lipped when it comes to this stuff and particularly since they are married it’s become even quieter. Yes we are talking committed Christian women here but I think it has been the shame factor of engaging in sexual activity out of marriage and only talking about it later and then wanting to keep marriage private and intimate.

    I’ve only come to know Christ in my 20s and I’ve only had one partner. I’ve chosen not to seek sexual relationships outside of marriage for the past 12 years. I’m surprised that it’s seemingly those of us who have come to Christ as adults that are making this choice to stay celibate ( no matter how ridiculously hard it is ! ) than those who have been in Church since they were babies. I’m just generalising here but it’s a pattern that seems to be repeated. Maybe us who have been there, done that, know that you give a piece of yourself away when you are intimate and get why God wants us to stick to marriage. Perhaps until you do you don’t get how important it is to wait.

    Maybe a little off topic but your post got me thinking. 🙂

    1. Miss 365, I too have noticed that the lifelong church goers from a young age are likely to experiment and I saw it in college as well. I would agree that when something is a “mystery” then people are more likely to go after it than for those who have “been there and done that.” I am glad my post got you thinking :-); just a different perspective.

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