Sexual Test Drive

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Many moons ago, I remembered one of my older sisters mentioning that she would never marry a man with whom she has not had sex. She needed to know if they were sexually compatible. Years later, I heard the very same sentiment from others including those who profess to be Christians. The majority of the populace advocates for taking their partner for a sexual test drive to make sure that they properly connect in the sack. (Note to readers: I am in the metaphoric mood)

This is not very shocking to anyone especially not to single Christians. Only a small percentage can say that the cow, milk and farm were all bought and enjoyed after the ‘I do’s.’  For everyone else, there has been at least one testing period with a current or past mate. To add to that, there are a number of old and new Christians who want to adhere to the no sex before marriage but does have that ‘what if we are not sexually compatible?’ or ‘what if after the big day and long wait my partner can not hit the spot’ thought floating around.

In the dating vs courting article, the author clearly advocated for the NO sampling rule, which is very clearly biblical with no room for justification. However, for many, there is still a struggle of ‘should I or shouldn’t I.’  The reality is in every aspect of the true courting relationship, Christian singles are encouraged to get to know your potential mate; however, there is a strict hands off policy on anything remotely intimate. There is a legitimate reason for this-sexual fire is very very very hard to extinguish when it’s lit.

So let’s play devil’s advocate for a moment and indulge in some of the pros and cons of the test drive hypothesis. (Note: this has nothing to do with virgin vs experienced singles) Some of the pros are: Sex helps strengthen the relationship and the couple will feel closer to each other; Each person will have an idea if there are any sexual hang ups with their partner; A woman can assess the ample or lack of size of their partner; If sex is good, then there is a higher percentage of not having intimacy issues after marriage; A great way to let  your partner know your likes and dislikes before marriage; and the wedding night won’t be awkward. Did I miss any? One can admit that all those reasons are very valid because these are real issues many couples struggle with in their married life. If it were not so, then there would be no need for Dr Ruth.

Alright, so let’s jump to the other side of the coin. I can only think of one major con for the single Christian-sexual test drive is the opposite of Christian beliefs and biblical teachings. There you have it!  However, since I am still playing devil’s advocate then let me add a few more: Sex has NEVER made a relationship better, not in the history of man. If someone’s relationship is in the crapper, a few moments of pleasure won’t fix it. If the relationship is good, then sex is the icing that enhances the connection. In terms of sizing for men, well… you don’t have to sleep with someone to get a visual :-). If the dude is having size issues, then during the courtship would be a great time to disclose that tidbit of information (you know all that trust, truth and stuff couples should be learning about each other). A great way for your partner to know about your likes, dislikes, curiosity and kinky side is to perhaps talk (I know it’s a novel idea). There are plenty of married people who don’t know any or have limited sexual knowledge about their partners. Sex and intimacy are two different things. Consider this, a prostitute has sex all the time; however, true intimacy, which implies and denotes a close relationship, is completely absent.

Test driving does not mean the relationship will last nor does waiting. If that were so, then lots of people would still be married. The final thought provoker is that big word compatibility which is usually interchanged for technique. Acquiring a skill or technique is learnt. Just like dating, each person brings something new and different and everyone has to adjust to a new person. The courtship/dating period is meant to teach that potential mate about yourself and vice versa.  The act of sex is exactly the same thing as we learn and adapt and this can be done after your ‘I do’s’ just as easily as it can be done during a test drive.

Just for curiosity sake feel free to share: How many people have test drove before marriage? How many would never have a serious relationship without it? How many are not sure? How many plan to smother the fire until after the I do’s (whenever that will be)?

6 thoughts on “Sexual Test Drive

  1. Still single, and a virgin at nearly 42. It IS very hard to wait, but God made us, and He’s got good reasons for the commands He gave–they’re not arbitrary. Need proof? Petra’s song “Minefield” nails it: “Think the grass is greener? You’d better look around–everywhere you look another casualty is found.”

  2. I had this thought not long ago. I think the key is to communicate with each other before marriage, so you can know whether to run off.

  3. “Sex has NEVER made a relationship better, not in the history of man”

    Bingo. I don’t understand why people come up with a laundry list of reasons why they want to have sex instead of saying they just do. It’s okay to admit that–we’re created to be sexual beings. I tell non-Christian acquaintances and friends, whenever this comes up, that choosing not to have sex doesn’t mean I don’t (physically) feel EXACTLY as they do…i just choose not to do it.

    I’ve never “test drove” before marriage and I’m sure the environment I grew up in was much more ripe for it than most. Inner city upbringing and I’m the first to leave my old neighborhood without multiple babies in tow. Never got the “birds and the bees” talk from any authority figure, but regularly got play by plays of exploits from other kids in the neighborhood and at school. If I wanted a career in erotica it would probably work out quite well, lol.

    My only serious relationship lasted quite long for us being young (still am), from 16 to 20. Never had sex but the talk came up regularly. We did want to have sex, that’s for sure, lol, but didn’t for lots of reasons–some based on our Christianity, others not so much. I’ve have several medical emergencies making it not such a great idea at times and I had an extreme fear of being a teen mom like a lot of my friends, to name a few not related to our beliefs.

    I still hold fast to my no sex before marriage view. I don’t plan to have sex in future relationships and have lots of friends who took this route and are doing fine. I’m expecting two godchildren this year, both to parents who waited :).

    – B.

  4. How many people have test drove before marriage? Yep, But we didn’t really know any better and then when we did it was very very difficult to abstain.

    How many would never have a serious relationship without it? Haven’t had a serious relationship since. I wonder if in part it is part of God’s protection.

    How many are not sure? How many plan to smother the fire until after the I do’s (whenever that will be)? Not smother the fire but be wise with it until marriage.

    I would never want to go through the pain of a break up again after having that intimate relationship with someone. I really believe that this is why God wants us to wait until we are married. That broken intimacy is devastating – not saying that breakups that haven’t been part of an intimate relationship aren’t but there is that connection ( it’s Biblical ) between you that is difficult to surrender.

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