Christian+Single+Sexually on Fire


At the risk of being branded immoral and unchristian,  it’s now time to open the closet doors with a few more frank Christian sexual and single discussions.  There is no denying that I find sexuality very interesting. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that anything surrounding sex is kept an open secret for may centuries. Take for instance, old hollywood would depict  married people sleeping in separate twin beds. Male doctors would masturbate women (invention of vibrators) to cure female psychological illnesses while at the same time denounced female sexuality and orgasm. Back in the day, people had scores of children to increase the survival rate of their families but young girls and guys would be married without knowing where to put what. The current day religions and conservative countries that chastise anything sexual tend to sanction men having multiple wives (or lovers) with numerous children. In a recent news report from the middle east, there is an ongoing fight to make sure women do not drive cars because the upstanding men thought if they did, then it would allow women to have more illicit sexual opportunity (interestingly the report did not mention that the ‘council’ was worried about the other half of the sexual equation-the men)…bla bla bla. As I said, an open secret.

The other open secret is Christian singles (and some married couples) sexual mojo are totally on fire without an outlet. There were a number of objections when I suggested masturbation. So, then what? Someone, not religious, once said she noticed that Christians (women) were more likely to marry quickly because they just wanted to have sex ie. attend to the sexual fire. I had to stop and think about that for a moment and then agreed. So, could it be that single Christians who marry later in life have a shorter courting or dating period because they want to get to the physical part sooner rather than later?

The sexually active population do not face such a spiritual dilemma because there are a number of sexual programs to which they can subscribe: The paid sexual satisfaction program, the friends with benefit program, the booty call program, the one night stand program, and the sex outside of marriage in a committed relationship program. The single Christian has…ummm….wait…well… God. There are no easy and quick fix solution for the sexually on fire Christians despite the fact that they do exist in very large secretive numbers. Why? because no one would ever thing that being a single christian would entitle you to have any sexuality at all. They are all castrated monks.

I wonder how many would admit to another person or themselves that they are as horny as hell and they can’t take it anymore. How many would admit to seeing a hot guy/girl and for a long few seconds entertain the thought of a quick fiery quenching moment of passion or lust. Speaking of lust, which means a passionate or overmastering desire or craving, that word has been vilified in the bible and there is a clear understanding why. However, he who has never felt lust (repeatedly) cast the first stone. The issue is lust comes with sexual desire because it’s a normal part of life. When was the last time you looked at the opposite sex and the only things that were stirred up within yourself were the very basic of emotions. By the way, I would hope married couples have some of that in their marriage to keep the fire burning.

The problem with lust is that sometimes it’s taken way too far. Take King David for instance, he had lustful feelings for Bathsheba, after all, she was apparently beautiful and bathing naked in plain sight. What he did after seeing her was the true sin. David allowed his imagination to linger a lot longer than was appropriate and he was overcome with an uncontrollable desire for something/someone he should not have had. Like David, I can honestly say that I would definitely have had some lustful thoughts if I had a good view of  a gorgeous naked man next door. I also can’t say that I don’t have some lustful thoughts when a gorgeous man fully clothed walk by me :-). However, unlike David, I would not be venturing boldly over to the neighbours for an afternoon or late night delight.

I know that people will quote the passage stating that a man who lusts in his heart has already committed a sin. The reality is no one, Christian or other, walks by someone of the opposite sex  that they find attractive and thinks “I bet she has the smartest brain ever” or “I am sure he will make a good husband and father.” In all honesty, the first things we do say are “she is so beautiful or sexy” or “He’s so hot.” The next thing that happens is that the brain sends a message to the heart and those perfectly functioning sexual organs and bang… sexual spark that can lead to an inferno. The other truth is one does not have to have a visual object to ignite those horny desires-the body is just an amazing God created vessel with God created functions. Believe it or not, there are normal things or moments that can kick the body into a sexually aroused state automatically: an innocent touch, a smell, a memory etc.

There is no shame in admitting to being horny and sexually on fire. There is no sin either. This is just the facts of life because we are all created sexual beings. There is no shame in admitting that for singles and sexless couples that it can be very difficult to not be having some kind of sex or at least some way to relieve those normal sexual feelings and desires. Sex and all things related is meant to be a fun activity. There are and will always be moments when sex is overwhelmingly on the brain, heart, and genitals just as there are moments when it’s not. Sexual frustration is a very real thing for a number of people: virgins, married, singles, old, young, men and women. It is even more frustrating for Christians because of the mental message that there is a fine line between holy and perverted. For Christians, feeling sexual desires and all it entails should be synonymous with healthy and normal.

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41 thoughts on “Christian+Single+Sexually on Fire

  1. This was a very intriguing read. I think it’s important to keep this dialogue going, because too many people keep these things in the dark. We are humans, we have desires. Thank you for your honesty.

  2. With the way that the mind wanders, how does anyone find it possible to masturbate without lustful thoughts?!? I’m now divorced, been separated since 2012 and truly only had sex 4-5 times in the 2 years leading up to the separation. In the almost 3 years since we have been apart I tried to think of only my wife while masturbating, but as of last week the divorce is final. My job makes it practically impossible to meet and or get to know someone well enough for marriage at least for the next few years anyway. (I’m an otr truck driver and am only home every other weekend which is spent entirely with my son) I’m at a complete loss as to how I can maintain a guilt free conscience and still get some release. I had far too many sexual adventures prior to marriage and really only got a good grasp on my relationship with Christ while married. I don’t want fall into the same backslidden life I had in my 20’s at the same time now that I’m officially divorced I can’t still justify that masturbation isn’t sinful because the stimulation was my wife because now I don’t have a wife!!!!! These are the thoughts that are slowly driving me insane as I wander throughout the country, and I don’t know that any advice can be given, I just had to express them to someone. See this is where I need the companionship of marriage to express my innermost thoughts, but alas if I had that I probably wouldn’t have this problem lol….

    1. Anon,
      I am assuming that your desire for sex isn’t always based on thinking about someone specific. I don’t think we can ever avoid lustful thoughts ie. strong sexually based thoughts. It’s something that has a deep tie with anyone who has a thriving libido. I hear two different issues you are addressing: first controlling your thoughts and the second controlling your behavior. I think it’s easier to choose to take control of having random sex with any available woman or choosing to stop masturbating than it is to fully purge your mind of sexual thoughts.
      There is a misconception with Christians that we can turn on and off our sexuality with the flip of a switch. I don’t believe that the body works that way. If you want to quit having sexual thoughts, then it needs to be a full time commitment process to divert your mind when you are stimulated. Sort of like trying to fast for an extended period of time. Some Christians have no issues with masturbation while others do, so if that action is a stress for you as a newly single man, then your efforts will have to be spent in actively decreasing your mind and body’s responses to sexual stimuli- at least until you find a biblically approved outlet. God speed

  3. Thank you for this post. It was very encouraging. I am a 35 year old male Christian. Single of course. Growing up I was taught that even thinking a single thought about sex was evil and would cause a great divide between God and I, and that even having sex 1 time outside of marriage would create years and years of damage. Over the years I have found out that both are false, thank God. These teachings and even with my emotional problems I grew up with caused problems, but over the years God has brought his healing, both emotionally and sexually. Now that I am older and God has been taking through a process, and teaching me the value of friendship more, I am learning to see the value of that and the desire for a spouse, and even my sexual desires are good, regardless of my marital status. I’m just trusting in him for a spouse and trusting my heart to him.

    1. Whittaker,
      As the world becomes more sexualized, Christians do need to learn to sort through the things that are God given and natural vs. the things that can cause personal and relationship dysfunction. It is good that you are healing.

      1. Definitely. And thank you. It’s been a process of sorting through lots of things that I was taught and how much God loves me. He showed me something earlier today actually. I’m blessed to have him save me and that my life can be used to help others.

  4. Many Christians believe that it is blasphemy to attribute sexuality to Jesus Christ, but to deny His sexuality is to deny His true, complete humanity. He is/was the creator of our sexuality AND our sexual organs, and when He become one of us and one WITH us, He got both. We only have small “snap-shots” in the Gospels of His life before He began His ministry, but He wasn’t just born, and voila, He was ready to go. He grew up, and as He grew up, He experienced the same things that we all experience, including puberty.

    Did Jesus ever experience an erection? Absolutely, or He wouldn’t have been a man. Did He ever experience arousal? Absolutely, or it would be a lie to say that “He was tempted in all ways like we are, and yet without sin”. As God, He knew theoretically what those things were like, but until He experienced them for Himself, it was all “head-knowledge”. We like to think of Jesus as the “GOD-man”, rather than as the “God-Man”, emphasizing His deity at the expense of His humanity. That is probably why He chose to use “Son of Man” as His favorite title.

    To deny our sexuality and our sexual needs is to deny our humanity, including our God-given sexuality and sexual needs. Yes, we do need appropriate outlets for our sexual fire, but denying that it is there is NOT the solution. Our church and cultural environments are huge factors in creating this “career-singleness” which many of us are experiencing, whether you are not yet married, widowed, as I was in 1997, or have been married and divorced, like I also have been. We have created a culture of putting off marriage until______ . When Jesus walked this earth, ladies in their twenties had already been married for several years, and for a woman to find herself single in her forties meant that she was already a widow. Mary, the mother of Jesus, was likely in her early teens when Jesus was born, and she was already a widow by the time He was crucified. That is evidenced by Jesus commissioning John to be her care-taker when He was on the cross. That would not have been necessary if Joseph was still alive.

    The meaning of God’s command to “Be fruitful and multiply” is self-evident, however He didn’t create us to merely “breed”, otherwise He wouldn’t have given us all those sexual-pleasure centers to delight our sense. That command carries with it more of a sense of “Have sex, and have LOTS of it”, thus sanctioning our enjoyment of and desire for sex. Denying our own sexuality, and that we DO have sexual needs and desires is both denying our humanity and dehumanizing ourselves, which is a slap in the face to the God who created us sexual beings. How we each choose to work out the details is our own personal decision before God, and no one else has the right or authority to tell us what we can or cannot do in that realm.

    God bless!

    Steve

    1. Piermac5,
      I agree with your views on this post. I think one thing that I will comment on is the “career singleness” idea. It is in the recent few decades that being married was not forced on men and women. Frankly, I think that is a good thing because there are so many people who are not fit to be married. I am definitely one of those career singles who is ambiguous about running to the altar.

      Biblically, being married or should I say being in a good marriage, reaps great benefits sexually (assuming there is no problem physically or psychologically) which fixes the issue of being sexually on fire. Being a career single, there will always be some disadvantage; however, being married is not always all it’s cracked up to be. As stated in the blog and written other places, there are married people in this very situation with no outlet for their frustration.

  5. What if I said “Congratulations! You have a WONDERFUL “problem”””? Some of you may say “Steve, you have lost your mind”, but bare with me a bit. The “wonderful” part of your problem is that you are able to have sex, and that you really WANT to have sex. That means that you are both physically and psychologically healthy enough for sex. All you lack is the appropriate opportunity.

    Sexual frustration stems from several sources: 1) Inability to have sex, even if the opportunity exists. 2) You can and will, but he/she is either unable or unwilling to have sex. 3) The ability and desire, but you lack the opportunity. I have experienced all three, so I understand the frustrations they cause.

    I remember well that fateful night when my wife wanted some loving, and I had to tell her “Babe, I am sorry, but I can’t get it up”. I had been given some medication for another problem, and it cratered my testosterone level to the point where an erection was impossible, not matter how badly I wanted it. Talk about being emasculated… Perhaps others have also experienced this kind of problem.

    What if you can and will, but he/she can’t or won’t? Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I was in a nearly sexless marriage for 8-1/2 years. Our sex-life died after about 18 months, not because I couldn’t, but because she wouldn’t. Once every two or three years does NOT a sex-life make. That was EXTREMELY frustrating.

    That leads us to being single and sexually-frustrated… Even though I am legally-married, I don’t have a WIFE. The woman who I am legally-married to is living with another man, so I have no sexual opportunity. I am effectively-single, but I can’t even go looking for another relationship. I have been single several times, but I have never checked my libido at the door, nor have I had a funeral for Mr. Happy. My first wife was a tiger in bed, so I got used to an extremely-good sex-life. Following 19-1/2 years of excellent sex with my first wife with an almost sexless 2nd marriage was extremely frustrating. I might have been better off being single. If I had the right opportunity and the right relationship, I would gladly jump right back into an active sex-life. I share your frustration, and even though I am pushing 60, I am NOT ready to roll-over and dig a grave for my sex-life or for Mr. Happy. Abraham was still fathering children well into his 90’s. I may not make it that long, but I would hope that I can die happy and well sexually-satisfied.

    Yes, it IS appropriate for Christian singles to talk about sex, regardless of what the “church” may think and say. Part of the reason our society has so many sexual problems is that the church ISN’T being the prophetic voice that is should be.

    In Christ,

    Steve

  6. Oh goodness >.< i relate so much but also I feel frustrated when people have somehow ingrained it into the Christian culture that its bad to masturbate. ….I have yet to see the passage. is it the lusting in your heart ordeal? Here, easy fix…when i masturbate i either think of NO one…and literally just consider it a treat to myself. Or i imagine a fantasy of a future husband. tah dahhh. But even with masturbation…one can still struggle. Because i crave the closeness and human interaction and exchange of caresses and love sometimes more than i just want to "get off" so to speak. I dont reccomend mutual masturbation with a fun buddy. I dont feel like getting into the details..i just dont reccomend it. I don't think God considers it wise either…at least I get the feeling He doesnt consider it wise for me. It feels to arrogant to speak for all.
    But anyway i appreciate your article about how the community just kinda sweeps sexuality under the rug. Sometimes i want to be able to say "I really really want sex" without feeling like I'd be judged for it. Being judged for the DESIRE part anyway.

    1. It’s funny how many articles that lists the health benefits of sex and orgasm but there is still a denial in the conservative community. Sex is a very normal desire for everyone so if anyone judges you, then s/he is in denial. Ultimately, sex is meant to be an act to bring two people together so there will always be something missing without a true partner. Many women experience sexual frustration at one point or another-that is undeniable. So don’t be too embarrassed to say “I really really want sex” :-).

  7. Thank you again, Harley. My story is a bit different than yours. I became.a.Christian when I.was 54. And I believe that the Lord has better things to do.than continually monitoring what we do with our genitals.

    1. So you’re saying that the Lord doesn’t monitor those who commit adultery or fornication? Those things are done with our genitals.

  8. Continued after being cut off by this stupid phone…. Anyway, suppose someone.simply doesn’t meet anyone he or she can make a life with? Their needs are not going to conveniently go away. Which is worse: masturbation, or going out and exploiting someone? Or do they simply live with nerves, frustration, and the inability to focus on other things? Or what about those who HAVE found someone to love, but who cannot get married for economic, medical, or caregiving situations? Is it a sin for them to touch each other? This is why I believe in solo.and mutual masturbation. Please note that I am NOT talking about people who do these things to avoid marraige, to avoid people, or just to get their jollies. I am talking about basically decent people in unfortunate situations.

    1. Bibiana, I totally understand your points. I think I may have said all those things in different posts addressing sex and sexuality. I even dared to suggest masturbation in a post with that topic. What I have found with Christians is there is a practical life vs the biblical doctrine that creates a conflict in which no one or very few dare to address. I post about the squeamish things that were my questions and my confusion as someone who had been in the Christian world since I was a child.

      I have found that daily sermons and the average Christian give very idealistic speeches and answers but when you get down to the heart of the matter, they too are struggling quietly. While there are wonderful things about being Christian, there are also too many things hidden in the closet because the bible never specifically address them and therefore may fall into the sin category. I hate to admit this but religion can create a psychological meltdown for many people who cannot reconcile the Bible with real life. Sex and sexuality (which is God given) has been one of the biggest headaches for the believers whether they are single or married.

  9. Harley, thank you for your intelligent response.I am 57 years old, and I have developed a lot of tolerance and compassion with age. I cannot see Christ as so unrelenting towards our basic need for love and sexual expression. What many well- meaning people don’ t get is that not everyone is going to be able to get married. Suppose soe

  10. Perhaps I am wrong , but I feel that the answer is both solo and mutual masturbation. I feel that at a certain point it is unrealistic to wait until marraige, especially if you are 40+. I.feel that this provides an outlet without the risk of pregnancy or disease.

    1. I would agree with you on both solo and mutual masturbation because that is a more progressive way of thinking however, most Christians would experience some guilt while engaging in such behaviors and therefore this creates a struggle. Practicality and Christianity are not always good bed-fellows

  11. God has a simple solution to our question of libido: get a spouse, and explore your sexuality to the max. As long as we avoid the forbidden sexual practices (adultery, fornication, bestiality, and homosexuality), we are pretty home free to try anything with our spouses, provided both parties are OK with it and it does not debase our bodies or our minds.
    Yeah, I heard someone saying you should not get married because of sex. Actually, you should. God’s ONLY solution to sexual drive is marriage, and nothing more. If you cannot control yourself because of your raging hormones, get a wife/husband! That is God’s clear directive, and which we should take to heart. God gave us marriage for three main reasons (companionship, sex, and kids).
    And getting married is not as complicated as some make it to be. Find a person of like mind, and get committed to them while you both grow and help each other to be better. It’s unfortunate that selfishness is the order of the day, even among Christians today. Each of us has become self-centered, and seeking our own individual interests, often without considering the impact such actions might have on our significant other. It is also a sign of the end of the age (“men/women shall become lovers of themselves; lovers of selves more than lovers of God”, etc). But Christians have no excuse for being selfish. If we put the well-being of our spouses first, our marriages will most often succeed.

    1. While I understand that marriage would solve the problem, there is the issue that sexual awareness starts at puberty and continues through the years. Therefore, telling a horny teen to marry just for the pleasure of sex is not practical. Telling anyone to marry in order to quench their sexual desire is not practical. There is also the issue of spouse – everyone does not find his/her spouse in a set period of time. For some, the road is longer. Marriage is not meant to be a quick solution to a biologically normal process.
      I do agree with you in regards to selfishness in a marriage. A large number of married people are having sexual and intimacy issues as well. While the concept of marriage may not be complicated, having two people learn to share with each other can be a feat to accomplish as the years pass on.

    2. I am so glad you commented. I was reading through the replies and was really starting to wonder if anyone would comment in a Christian manner. We truly dont need a long courtship in order to marry. We cant expect to look for the “perfect” spouse or we will be gravely disappointed after marrying and realizing they were perfect. Thats part of our high divorce rate…and the church turns a blind eye to the sin in divorce. God does not exist to make us happy nor does marriage exist to be some kind of union where we always gwt what we want, how we want it. We pick a spouse and we CHOSE to love them for the rest of our lives and we should respect our sex lives within that union. The divorced should go back to their spouse and in tgat the sex life can become available again. The single and never married do need to be careful of lust…should you really sins against one another through mutual masturbation? Im sure thats likely to lead to sex and im not sure how different that is from watching porn..youre still getting off by being with someone else. Find someone and marry or remain single. As the Bible says. But dont make excuses for sin and please dont act like a potential spouse must fit into a cookie cutter mold. That spouse will change again and again over the years, even to the point of seeming like a totally different spouse. Choose to love.

  12. THANYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU FOR THIS SINGLE LIFE CAN BE VERY CHALLENGING AND HARD. SOMETIMES I FEEL THE SAME WAY A LOT OF U FEEL. THANKYOU FOR KEEPING IT REAL. I KNOW THAT I AM NOT ALONE IN THE WAY I FEEL SOMETIMES. SOMETIMES IT IS SO HARD FOR ME THAT I THINK IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. MY URGES MAKE ME THINK THAT I AM DIRTY . I KNOW THIS IS ALSO THE TRICK OF THE ENEMEY AND I THANK GOD THAT HE ALWAYS BRING BAACK THE WORD OF GOD TO ME TO GIVE ME STRENGTH IN A VERY MUCH TIME OF NEED.

  13. Man reading this is like idk.. right now I had to find myself to repent for thinking that I hate my body because I’m always in the mood. I really do love it but I just feel horrible sometimes for thinking more about sex than God. I’m a 22 year old virgin and my body constantly craves it. Like I feel a weird sensation in my upper thighs and sometimes I can sit down and it will start. I have been wakened by my hormones and right I feel like crying my eyes out. I almost literally feel trapped and its a struggle every night to not masterbate ( I almost finished but I stopped, I don’t want God made at me)

    1. Kamrie, I absolutely understand how you feel and you are not alone. The issue is that sexual feelings are not talked about in the religious circles. The feeling of sex is normal, the desire for sex is normal. The thought of sex is also normal.
      The abnormal part (for most people) is to abstain from all things sexually related. So there will always be a conflict when you are single or in a sexless marriage.There is no easy answer to solve the issue as a single – praying it away does not work all the time. Some days the struggle is harder to manage the feelings.

    2. Kamrie, you’re not alone! I’m a 21-year-old virgin, and I feel every day it’s just getting harder and harder. I have a boyfriend, but I find it was easier NOT to have one! I feel I can’t even talk about my frustrations with him because he’ll judge me. And when the topc of sex arises, his only answer is to read the Word and find the mental satisfaction there. But it doesn’t always work!!!
      This is just terrible because I am so ashamed of myself and feel constantly not worthy of God’s love BECAUSE my body craves anything sexual. And the worst part is that the world will not accept me because I’m a virgin, and at the same time Christians (at least some that I know) won’t accept me because I am “sexually on fire”. And therefore, I feel really lonely.
      So–thank you HarleyQ2 for this article! It helped me a lot, and I feel less stressed about it all. I feel I’m not alone.
      God bless you.

      1. Jenny, I am glad I could help. Some Christians are afraid to talk about the difficult aspects of life and their easiest answer is ‘read the word.’ There is nothing wrong with being a virgin and neither is there anything wrong with having very normal sexual desires. However, your boyfriend maybe experiencing some denial and guilt himself and needs to master the art of proper communication.

      2. Omg I forgot I commented on this… Two years later- I am 24 now and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year now. Still same ole same ole.. Still horny as heck every day! Still same feelings. But I even more definitely don’t feel alone because he feels the same! We could be talking about normal stuff and well you know the “fire” and I have occasionally felt bad because I am so attractive to him and he is just ready lol. I feel like I am probably the most sexual person in this house k live in with my family and if they knew what I liked, they wouldn’t like it. I sometimes feel like when I am finally married, I won’t have to feel guilty bout truly unleashing and being confident and not feeling guilty.

        1. Congratulations Kamrie on your relationship, if or when you two get married, then your goal will be to maintain that loving feeling for each other 🙂 . I bet you probably feel more horny because you are in a relationship and the temptation is even greater. First, there is nothing to feel guilty about because your ‘fire’ is very normal. Welcome to sexuality!!!
          If the goal is for the both of you to remain celibate until after marriage, then use this time to talk to him about how you both feel and ways to calm the fires when things get a little hot. The longer you are with each other the greater the sexual pull and the easier to throw in the towel and go for it.
          Sex should always be a normal part of any conversation for two people in a relationship

          1. Hey Harley!! Once again lol. Still on fire as usual. I have been doing a lot of personal research and Google a lot of topics lately to try to get a sense of what God feels or inputs from other people. And yes I do pray and write about my so confusing sexuality sometimes. I try to express myself in another ways like writing songs and little essays and I feel the older I get it is sometimes its difficult. One idea I have is a book about my self image involving certain insecuries I have. But question to everyone : Has anyone ever prayed and ask God about their sexuality and they never got an answer? I don’t know if I really wanna say it but as I got older I feel like I could be a submissive. I would love to read your thoughts on this. The reason why I think I might be one is because certain things they do.. I like. A Lot! Or would like to try. If my mama knew she would be like um straight to the altar now! I can’t even write how much if my boyfriend speaks to me in a certain tone it drives me crazy! I even have the want to buy myself a lot more sexy stuff to wear in the privacy of my own room to further accept that I am not a little girl anymore and I want to feel like how God feels about me. I still try ro seperate my relationship with God from my sexual side. For some reason like I feel like God is just all about condemning people. I still feel like my sexuality isnt “Christian” enough for others to not judge me. Thankfully, my boyfriend never judges me about things like this. I’m more comfortable talking about sex because that’s how I can get to know myself. As of the masturbation thing well I’m not going there lol.. I will say I started freaking out once because I didn’t feel the guilt. But i do repent if i started to think of sexual things and try to just zone out as much as possible
            . sometimes i am so horny its almost painful . I want to grow up to be the sexy confident woman that has a relationship with God who loves what he gave her to give to her husband without any hangups. I’m not gonna say Christian woman because Christianity has such a bad rep already. I am crazy about my boyfriend he is my best friend and I can’t wait to finally be with him as his wife. (We live 1039 miles away apart) Sorry for the long post! Hope all is well!

            1. Hi Kamrie,
              I am glad to hear things are still going well with you and your boyfriend. I remember praying some years ago to God to turn off my sexual feelings because I was not ready to get married and I had no intentions of scratching that itch with any random guy. Now, I just accept that my sexuality is as big a part of me as anything else. Putting your strengths and your insecurities on paper or in a song etc is a good way to get it out and take a look at yourself from a different perspective.
              When you say submissive do you means your personality trait? Or is that in terms of sexual role play? I think sexual role play between two consenting adults are fine. Sometimes it can be taken to the extreme in which it may dominate and overshadow the intimacy of sex. There is a huge difference between role playing and being submissive in everyday life. In role playing there is an understanding between both partners; however, in day to day life, someone with a submissive personality can be easily manipulated, taken advantage of and lack a confidence to take charge of his/her life.
              Buying cute and sexy lingerie for yourself is perfectly fine-I totally encourage women to add a few “va va voom” pieces to their night wear collection. Its amazing how a nice silk or satin material can feel very good when you put it on :-). Frankly, the “horny” will never go away and I hope it never does. It’s like hoping you never feel hungry or ever have a craving ever again. It’s more about managing it than turning it off. When you start accepting that your sexual feelings are very much a part of you then it gets easier to deal with as a Christian believer. You can not separate God from your sexuality; you have to reconcile them because God gave it all to you. Most women don’t know how to own their sexiness. I don’t mean dressing provocatively etc. I mean understanding themselves as women, as sexual women and being confident and not ashamed of something that comes naturally since the creation the of the first woman.
              Give yourself some time to get to know you. Your confidence will build the more you understand who you are, what you like and don’t like about yourself and what you are willing to change or accept.
              It was nice hearing from you. Keep in touch and God speed.

    3. goodness. masturbation is not bad. Think about it, God doesnt want men looking at women full of lust and burning with passion all the time right? Well the good news is that when u masturbate, you release all that testosterone and feel so much better and u can stop looking at the opposite sex almost like sex objects (which would be the sin). IT IS THE NATURAL CURE GOD GAVE YOU! I was hanging out with a guy once and…he felt very aroused by me and i kept saying no. He went off to himself to go masturbate and when he came back he was much clearer-headed and able to handle things. I’m telling you…masturbation prevents the sin. it isnt the sin itself….

  14. I agree with the notion that we Christians do have sexual desires that are repressed and we are for the most part frustrated and struggle with it in our daily lives. However, our struggle doesn’t give us the permission or the leverage to find other methods of relief than the one outlined in the bible, which is marriage.

    The bible makes it clear that we are to be sexually active in the context of marriage only. That doesn’t mean that we won’t have sexual desires outside of marriage (single, engaged…), it just means that we have to deny ourselves the pleasure found in those desires. We can agree that we are commanded to not use profanity or steal; it doesn’t mean we don’t want to cuss someone out from time to time. However, we don’t cause we’re instructed not to. Just like that when it comes to sexuality, the bible instructs us “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality…” A hint could be a simple picture we look at or a simple act we commit to satisfy our sexual desire. That means if and whatever you’re doing is sexually charged and you’re enjoying sexuality outside of marriage, then it is wrong. Does this view/interpretation seem a little too extreme? Maybe to some, but I believe that God has set a standards for us because he sees as his “holy people.” (Ephesians 5:3)

    Having said that, is it easy? No! Does Paul realize what he is asking of us and the difficulty of it? I think so. In verse two he talks about how Jesus “gave himself up as an offering and sacrifice to God.” He points out that we aren’t the only one who sacrifices something, but that even Jesus had sacrificed himself. “Difficult” won’t even describe how hard it is to remain sexually pure in a world where everything revolves around sex. As much as I struggle with this aspect of my life I refuse to lower the standard that God has set for purity just so I can get away with partial sacrifice.

    1. Zi, I do understand what you are saying. However, I believe that in the efforts to be “pure” people do deny to themselves that there is pleasure and expect to turn it on later when they are married. One can accept that there is pleasure in certain desires but you don’t have to act on those behaviors. My point is denial of something that is natural will usually lead to some major overload and repressed feelings. Those are usually the ones who will be all over a guy/girl the moment the opportunity presents itself. For many Christians, once they have locked their sexuality, then it becomes hard for them to let it out when the time is right.

  15. I’d like to say a big “Amen” to that! Also, the church needs to stop pretending that singles (or anyone for that matter) don’t wrestle with sexual desire. We are created by God with sexual desire and the capacity to notice and admire anatomical beauty, and there’s no Scripture that says that’s a sin. That capacity simply has zero origins in lust. After all, _God_ created us; not Satan. But we do need to be careful, because Scripture IS clear about lust, and in my experience, is always just a thought or heart attitude away. This is why God always looks at the heart: 1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV 1984) “But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”” The tough part is ensuring that our thoughts and heart response don’t include lust. We have to be honest with ourselves and before God on that; no-one else knows what we’re thinking in those moments. I believe this is what 2 Corinthians 10:5 is referring to: “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” Part of what has helped me is remembering I need to respect women, and I can’t do that if I have lustful thoughts about them. I can admire their beauty, but it must never include lust. This takes time, prayer, and conscious effort to build as a habit, but even as someone whom God has rescued from years of addiction to pornography, I will attest that by God’s grace it IS possible.

    Personally, I believe masturbation is a scruple (much like the issue of eating meat offered to idols); a personal decision based on one’s own conscience before God. I don’t believe it is sin provided lust isn’t part of it. It is a practical rubber-meets-the-road means for releasing sexual tension–something most, if not everyone, deals with. Keeping that tension at bay significantly reduces the potential for lust. For some people though, masturbation without lust is very difficult or impossible; but I can genuinely say that’s not the case for everyone.

    BTW, you might enjoy reading Jennifer Lynn’s (“The Virgin Verdict” blog) take on this called “The Birds and the Bees (The Revised Female Version)”–like you, she approaches it from a completely honest perspective:

    http://apassportforanengagementring.blogspot.com/2011/11/birds-and-bees-revised-female-version.html

    1. Greg, I did check out the the Virgin Verdict and found it quite interesting. I believe that whether single or married, keeping the mind and heart where it should be is always a challenge. The true issue is that when people pretend that something does not exist, then it pushes them to keep it in the closet. Christians avoid all things sexual and then it shows up in so many negative ways-cheating, porn, addiction etc.

  16. it took me awhile when in the midst of a major depressive time when the urge for sex came back but I couldn’t orgasm with my husband to realize that it wasn’t a sin to use a vibrator. The desire was overpowering at times. I discovered it was the meds along with distorted thinking that were causing the dysfunction. I switched meds, worked on changing my thoughts with a therapist and now all is well. I have a stronger desire than my husband and so use my trusty device a few times a month to help with the physical need. It helps with my mental health too since I can get on with my day instead of using so my brain power to deny the urge when my hubby isn’t in the mood. I would never ever stray so this is a great compromise and my husband doesn’t mind a bit since it takes the pressure off him. Our lovemaking times have become very sweet instead of filled with angst.

    1. I am so happy that you have been able to manage your depression and the intimacy with your husband has improved. There are a number of Christian sex authors who do endorse adding a few devices in the marriage bed. However, they caution to make sure it is a mutual consent and it does not interfere with the partner sexual relationship (which you have done).

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