The Wrong People Marry Quicker

(copied image Britney and Kevin marriage)

Have you ever asked yourself how in the world did (insert name) get married? Or who the hell would marry that person? It is starting to become apparent that many of the people who are married are simply not suitable to be married. We all know people who are deemed a bit shady in their character and we have declared that these people should “never” get married until they sort out their issues. Well, sometime later, you heard that they have entered into nuptial bliss. The next thought is how? who? why? You are left dumbfounded while your good friend or family who has a splendid character is still trying to find his/her mate.

I recently happened upon some news that someone I knew a few years ago is now married. To say that it is a shock is an understatement. I knew that he was desperate, actually very desperate to remarry but I thought he had to get himself together emotionally before any woman would take him seriously or before he could be able to be a good husband.  I had no contact with him for years, it is a large possibility that he may have changed or the woman he found changed him. Even though I do not believe that we should rely on others to shape our character, it seems that for him, it may have worked. There is also the other possibility that he did not change but he found a woman who is in the same emotionally dependent state as he and so they were able to make it work. Still, after knowing the issues of his first marriage, it is still hard to believe that someone actually married him. Is that mean to say?

Years ago in college, an acquaintance of mine met this guy who started exhibiting weird behaviors. She was a nice person who initially had suspicions of him. Well, whatever he said or did convinced her to become interested. Standing on the outside, I could notice a few things about him that she completely ignored and explained away. Years later, I heard they were married with children and he was a pastor. Naturally, when a story turns out that good, one has to reconcile that people do change. Recently, I heard that her pastor husband was fired from his church. The evil side of me starts to think (without knowing the details of the reason for his termination) ‘I was right all those years ago.’  Is that horrible of me?

There is also the case of the world record gentleman in Mexico who in the last few years got married. He was not able to walk down the aisle, actually he is not able to walk at all because his world record was being the fattest man. When the news came that he was getting married, I had to scratch my head and take a long look at him. I again thought who? why? The protest is not about his weight but about the fact that this man had a very clear problem with food, he would not be able to work, does he have any skills, etc. A host of things that disqualifies him from making a good spouse but yet someone said “I will marry this man.”

What am I missing? Is this why the marriage success rate is in the toilet? As much as people will start pointing out that we “should not judge others” bla bla bla, we all know someone or a few people of whom you ask the same question – how is she/he married? Is it that not being very discriminating about someone’s character the answer for a speedy coupling? Mel Gibson will definitely get married again but some honest joe who is an upstanding man can’t catch a break. The mama’s boy will have a stream of women to choose from all while living in his parent’s basement but someone else is not that lucky with potential mates. The world has certainly gone a bit wonky.

So it seems that marriage, these days, is not about quality. It seems to be about whomever you catch in your net and can convince to stay. Are you suppose to be happy for someone whom you know is or have made a mistake in getting married? Are you being fake in trying to feign happiness for that person? Is it unchristian? Years ago I went to an old friend’s wedding and was genuinely happy for the couple. Years later, they separated and it turns out that many people warned her against the marriage due to her husband’s character. Well, she conceded with everyone’s opinions during the separation but soon after they were back together again and it might seem he is up to his usual. Is this a happy moment because they are back together or is it a ‘oh shit, she made the same mistake twice’ moment?

One explanation could come from a post written by a terminally single woman who does not want to be married, entitled Divorce Envy, in which Ms Wells observed that it is more acceptable to be divorced than to be never married. Spinster is not a word you hear very often and when it is used people like Susan Boyle (the once frumpy lady with the amazing voice) comes to mind. It may seem that people are willing to test the marriage waters knowing that it is a little too rough for them because the alternative is just not acceptable. It was a bit funny in Ms Wells post that she was being chastised by a woman who was twice divorced. It appears that failure of never marrying far outweighs the failure of being caught  in a bad relationship. As I said, twisted!

13 thoughts on “The Wrong People Marry Quicker

  1. I never married. I think why there is still a stigma about it is because of the pressure we women were under to marry back in the old days when we were property and subhuman. Now, we are just outnumbered by the divorced people who try to make themselves OK by making us not OK. Really we are Ok. We just have to stop hanging our heads in shame. I am a bit defensive when asked though. I say ” Marriage isn’t right for everybody and if more people realized that, there would be less divorce”. What gets me the most about the spinster stigma is knowing women are pressured into marriage because of it. I think that is subtle oppression and slavery.

    1. It is funny how being divorce is more acceptible than being never married. I have no shame either…for years the thought of marriage gave me anxiety because I knew I would never make a good wife-I had other more important things to do :-). I too get defensive because people seem to take marriage as rite that everyone must do instead of choosing carefully to avoid ending in divorce.

  2. I have been married for 22 years- mostly happy. I love my husband but not sure if I am “in love” with him. He’s a very good man- we have two children together (21 and 18 years of age). The problem is 25 years ago I was in love with a boyfriend (we’ll call him Joey). I broke up with him because he wasn’t ready for marriage and really wasn’t very settled (we dated 2 1/2 years). We never argued much during that relationship- and honestly: when I broke up with him – I almost died. He would come by and beg me to take him back and I would cry and cry. It was devastating. I never told him why I broke up with him. I then immediately started dating my husband. It was a great relationship– but really, on my wedding day.. I just wanted to run away. 4 years into my marriage- I called my ex- one night- I just wanted to make sure he was okay and happy. He was divorced- and had a child he was raising alone. But he told me on that phone call that he loved me and always would and hoped I would be okay. I was just having a rough time- just pressures of married life with 2 small children. Now with Facebook comes other issues- I found him on there- I sent him a nice message- trying to be careful not to upset his 2nd wife. He returned the message and it was nice- no emotion at all.. That has been the extent of our contact. But now, I can’t stop thinking about him. I get pretty emotional when I think about him. I am not sure how to get over him again. I miss his friendship, sweetness- and I honestly would love to be friends with him but not sure how that would work for either one of us. I know my brain tells me to leave the past behind.. But oh my!.. I am really struggling. My home life is good– but my relationship with my husband is strained due to his lack of intimacy with me. I am wondering if I am having a mid-life crisis or is it because I didn’t deal with the real reason of the break-up many years ago. Help!

    1. Las Artes, my one suggestion to you is to discontinue your contact with your ex. He has moved on with his life and it appears that you are holding on to the past and maybe having fantasy of what the relationship could have been like if you two were still together. My advice is to seek marriage counseling. It takes two to have a working marriage. It sounds like you and your husband may not be committing fully to each other and you may need someone like a counselor to help you both through this emotional separation. God speed.

  3. I tend to think that none of us are equipped for marriage. I know that seems like a cop-out, but I really do mean it. I don’t think I was ready to go to Mongolia, get a job as a teacher, or do many of the other awesome things I’ve gotten to do in my life. And I expect that if I ever do get married, it won’t be because I’m any better-equipped than the next girl. It’ll be because God gave me away to someone as a gift of grace to us both. It’ll be because someone gives me a gift that I don’t deserve.

    I know it’s sometimes difficult to see others getting something we’ve been praying for for years, but I truly hope no one will look at me and condemn me to the undeserving category of those girls who they can’t believe someone married… and neither will I look at another that way. It makes me sad that we so often feel like we know what another person deserves. It makes me think of Lord of the Rings when Frodo said he wished Bilbo had killed Golum. Gandalf’s response was, “Do not be so quick to deal out death and judgment. Some who live deserve to die and many who die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo?”

    I guess my response to this post is that we should not be so quick to deal out “old maid” status and loneliness… some who dserve marriage never get it, and many who don’t deserve it do, but I’m certainly not the one to give it to them.

    1. I understand your point. My aim is that some are more prepared for it than others. When I use the statement “can’t believe someone marry…” was more in reference to certain characteristics ie. someone who is not able to be faithful gets married or someone who is more commited to their 80hr a week job and sees that as more important. I think for me I have seen the nasty downside of many marriages/relationship to include abuse etc and that makes ask the why? who? questions. Relationships are about two personalities coming together and there are certain characteristics (unless they have divine intervention) will not make good spouses

      Just to clear that up. The post was not about physical attributes ie. she is too ugly or short or fat or nerdy etc. but more that certain personality traits do not make good partners but they are the ones people tend to marry quicker.

  4. I completely agree. Shoots! It’s as though the goal in life is to WALK DOWN THE AISLE, not stay committed “’til death do us part.” Someone rearrange these vows, please, to: “’til I’m not happy with you any more…” You’re on to something here! And it is a tragic reality.

  5. Even through all this i still can’t help but think, why has someone else gotten married and i have not? And by this i mean like, good women marrying men not ready for the task or the other way around with a man instead of a woman. I find myself thinking, “Am i the equivilant to one of those unworthy people to all the women out there?”. Alot of things run through my mind.

    But like you said “Mel Gibson will definitely get married again but some honest joe who is an upstanding man can’t catch a break. The mama’s boy will have a stream of women to choose from all while living in his parent’s basement but someone else is not that lucky with potential mates. The world has certainly gone a bit wonky.”

    I guess i feel like the guy who can’t catch a break. Good post good lady.

    1. “why has someone else gotten married and i have not? The never married crowd has asked themselves that question but there is never a good answer. I don’t think it is about being unworthy but more like horrible timing.

      1. Well, in my opinion i think your a great woman and i wish you had the oportunuty of having a man you wanted in your life. Is it selfish to want that for you?

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