I usually experience one of two emotions when I visit other Christian blogs or hear real Christians talk about their true close connection with God. I either experience Christian envy or Christian admiration.
My mood and recent experiences have a lot to do with whether I feel envy or admiration. First, let me address the Christian envy. I know the bible shuns such an emotion but unfortunately it’s a hard wired part of my human experience. As horribly human as I am, I go through those moments when God is ‘not all that.’ I go through ‘where is God?’ and ‘why is He being more like an absentee father than a present and involved parent?’ I even have the ‘How come he is paying more attention to___ than to me’ moments. Yes, I have issues with God abandonment feelings. Yes, I do have a present earthly father so it’s not daddy issues.
The Christian envy is about wanting that close connection with God that so many people describe. I ask myself so often, how did they come by such a connection and where can I get it. I understand that a good relationship with God is not something one can pick up in the Christian bookstore or buy at a church revival meeting. For some odd reason for which I cannot explain, God and I have a patchy connection more often than I really should admit. So, in comes the green-eye monster envy. “I want what she is having” and I am not referring to the fake orgasm scene in When Sally Met Harry. I want her “I feel God in my heart” moment or the “I know I can trust Got to have my back even when things are bad” moment. I want the close relationship and trust that she is having. I want to be her.
On the other hand, Christian admiration comes when I am in a fairly normal mood and I read a wonderful inspirational love-God writing and think ‘this person has such a close relationship with God how wonderful.’ For me, writing is one part imagination, one part experience, one part emotional, and the last part cognitive; therefore, my posts are a composition and reflection of all three. I would imagine that such inspirational writings come from a place that has great love and reverence for God. I believe those writers use all aspect- one has never seen God but we can certainly imagine his glory; the love for God comes from what we read and our mental image of Him; the cognitive is believing in something/someone with very little concrete/scientific evidence. It is all a winning combination. One cannot help but admire the Christians who feel so deeply and express themselves in such a way that you are moved, inspired and in awe.
It is no secret that my relationship with God is a bit strained… okay very strained from my side. It is not a secret that there is a spiritual battle raging. However, despite all that, I can appreciate people whose writings share their strong bond, believe, love and faith in God. I am a bit jealous. While I realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side and no human being is free from conflict and problems, it is nice to step away from my questioning and realism to see someone embrace something beyond what I can see everyday. I have not made the time to blog hop but I went to visit A journey of faith a while ago and could not help but experience the Christian admiration.
I certainly encourage Christians to question and not hide behind a facade that life is always easy and bright because they are Christians. However, it is also important to fill up on some inspiration in order to have a good balance. Christianity is not the easiest thing to navigate for me. I am taking the liberty to say that there are many who are finding the ‘narrow road ‘quite rocky and almost darn near impossible. It might seem childish and dangerous to compare one’s spiritual walk to someone else’s but the truth seems to be that we all want that individual and special intimate relationship that the bible mentioned. We want to be God’s favourite despite knowing that we have to share Him with other believers. I doubt I will ever become a Christian inspirational writer – I am way too realistic. My comfort zone is airing the dirty laundry that so many Christians avoid or whisper too quietly for anyone else to hear. However, like each person’s Christian journey, even a sarcastic, doubting sinner like myself, needs a different and softer perspective of all things God.