Christian Envy or Admiration

I usually experience one of two emotions when I visit other Christian blogs or hear real Christians talk about their true close connection with God. I either experience Christian envy or Christian admiration.

My mood and recent experiences have a lot to do with whether I feel envy or admiration. First, let me address the Christian envy. I know the bible shuns such an emotion but unfortunately it’s a hard wired part of my human experience.  As horribly human as I am, I go through those moments when God is ‘not all that.’ I go through ‘where is God?’ and ‘why is He being more like an absentee father than a present and involved parent?’  I even have the ‘How come he is paying more attention to___ than to me’ moments. Yes, I have issues with God abandonment feelings. Yes, I do have a present earthly father so it’s not daddy issues.

The Christian envy is about wanting that close connection with God that so many people describe. I ask myself so often, how did they come by such a connection and where can I get it. I understand that a good relationship with God is not something one can pick up in the Christian bookstore or buy at a church revival meeting. For some odd reason for which I cannot explain, God and I have a patchy connection more often than I really should admit. So, in comes the green-eye monster envy. “I want what she is having” and I am not referring to the fake orgasm scene in When Sally Met Harry.  I want her “I feel God in my heart” moment or the “I know I can trust Got to have my back even when things are bad” moment. I want the close relationship and trust that she is having. I want to be her.

On the other hand, Christian admiration comes when I am in a fairly normal mood and I read a wonderful inspirational love-God writing and think ‘this person has such a close relationship with God how wonderful.’ For me, writing is one part imagination, one part experience, one part emotional, and the last part cognitive; therefore, my posts are a composition and reflection of  all three.  I would imagine that such inspirational writings come from a place that has great love and reverence for God. I believe those writers use all aspect- one has never seen God but we can certainly imagine his glory; the love for God comes from what we read and our mental image of Him; the cognitive is believing in something/someone with very little concrete/scientific evidence. It is all a winning combination. One cannot help but admire the Christians who feel so deeply and express themselves in such a way that you are moved, inspired and in awe.

It is no secret that my relationship with God is a bit strained… okay very strained from my side. It is not a secret that there is a spiritual battle raging. However, despite all that, I can appreciate people whose writings share their strong bond, believe, love and faith in God. I am a bit jealous. While I realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side and no human being is free from conflict and problems, it is nice to step away from my questioning and realism to see someone embrace something beyond what I can see everyday. I have not made the time to blog hop but I went to visit A journey of faith a while ago and could not help but experience the Christian admiration.

I certainly encourage Christians to question and not hide behind a facade that life is always easy and bright because they are Christians. However, it is also important to fill up on some inspiration in order to have a good balance. Christianity is not the easiest thing to navigate for me. I am taking the liberty to say that there are many who are finding the ‘narrow road ‘quite rocky and almost darn near impossible. It might seem childish and dangerous to compare one’s spiritual walk to someone else’s but the truth seems to be that we all want that individual and special intimate relationship that the bible mentioned. We want to be God’s favourite despite knowing that we have to share Him with other believers. I doubt I will ever become a Christian inspirational writer – I am way too realistic.  My comfort zone is airing the dirty laundry that so many Christians avoid or whisper too quietly for anyone else to hear.  However, like each person’s Christian journey, even a sarcastic, doubting sinner like myself, needs a different and softer perspective of all things God.


8 thoughts on “Christian Envy or Admiration

  1. Hi, I am new to this blog, but I thought I would address what you say here, “with God abandonment feelings. Yes, I do have a present earthly father so it’s not daddy issues.”
    Are you aware of what is known as the orphan spirit or orphan heart? What you speak of here is rooted in the orphan thinking, which is a feeling of not being secure and safe in the Father’s Love. It is feeling and believing that you do not have a place in the Father’s heart; Believing with your mind that God loves you, but not totally, completely believing it WITH your heart.
    The opposite of the orphan thinking is operating out of sonship, which is being secure that you are a son/daughter of God. A biblical example of this is the religious elder brother in Luke 15, who never even knew his worth or how his father felt about him all that time he was trying to earn his father’s love. He was insecure about how his father felt about him. In the same way, we His children are all insecure about how God feels about us, in one way or another.
    I can relate to your feelings of envy, of feeling like some people are more special to God, some people seem to have a stronger relationship, but I am being healed as I’ve come to a revelation of sonship over the past few years. What I’m trying to say is that whether or not you have an earthly father has nothing to do with an orphan spirit. Because even the best father does not compare to God the Father. We still develop abandonment, rejection, issues in spite of our relationship with earthly dad. Since Adam fell in the garden, we ALL do not have a proper view of God as father; this relationship must be RESTORED.
    Many people who have visited or worked in orphanages say that it is startling to see the behavior of orphans. Orphans openly compete for the attention of adults. They are starved for attention, prone to jealousy, and grow up feeling like they have to fend and care for themselves. Rejection and abandonment are also huge issues. Being around orphans is eye opening and it is a reflection of the inner lives of even the church.
    To put it another way…After Adam was formed, when he opened his eyes, the first face that he saw was Father god’s face. From the very start of his existence, he had a face-to-face relationship with God—-no barriers, no restrictions and He knew and experienced that God was his father. Since Adam and Eve sinned in the garden, we have been disconnected from the strength of an awareness of and connection to God; this is the relationship Jesus came to restore. Although all things have passed away, and we are new creations, our souls (minds, will, emotions) have to be converted—and on a practical level, relationships require BUILDING. We have to come to EXPERIENCE and know God as Father before our hearts believe what our minds know. We all deal with orphan thinking and must be free from it. I happen to have a playlist on youtube of helpful videos I’ve watched that have helped me get free from orphan thinking. There are a number of videos on this list but just skip around and find one that suits you and speaks to you, they are all remarkably helpful.

    I would also reccomend Jack Frost’s book, “experiencing the father’s embrace’, which is about $12 on amazon.

    1. Deb, Thank you for that information. Orphan thinking and sonship are two terms to which I am not familiar. However, the concepts behind them I do recognize. Each person’s relationship with God is such a work in progress from the human point of view and mine is going a bit slowly.

  2. I like your excellent article. I have to admit that Christian girls are the most beautiful girls on this planet. Their mind is perfect. Most of them are beautiful in the heart and they believe in God. I like their attitude about relationship and marriage. Christian women consider marriage as a lifeterm commitment. They select the best man to marry with. So, getting married with a Christian girl is like a dream for every guy.

    1. Thank you Christian. I agree that a good christian woman is an excellent find; however, the man need to also meet those Christian standards to be an excellent find for her.

  3. I can appreciate deeply your sentiments. Being a single male Christian, after having been married for many years is very difficult. Often I think of the passage, “Absent of the body is to be present in the Lord”, does not apply in the singular context relative to fighting off my sex urges, it does give me comfort to know if I deny self, in him I will focus. God bless you. Michel

  4. I certainly understand where you are coming from. I am going through many of the same things as we speak. Intellectually, I know that God is omnipresent, all-powerful, all-knowing, and loves me more than I could ever fathom. Experientially, I wonder if He has gone on vacation and forgotten that I exist. My prayers often seem to rattle of the ceiling and walls, with seemingly no-one hearing, and certainly no-one answering them. Unfortunately the elevator from my head to my heart is out-of-order more times than it works.

    I am going through some very hard personal times. I am married, but my wife left me for another man. Even though I know I am forgiven in Christ, I feel like I am reaping the temporal consequences of many years of past mistakes…poor choices…sins. Besides my current problems, I have the weight of the past infesting me as well, because I know that where I am now is the result of many years of sinful, poor choices. It is hard to feel forgiven when I am saddled with things that are the results of my past mistakes. I am lonely, because loneliness is the consequence of broken relationships.

    I have been ready a couple of books by Max Lucado – “Traveling Light” and “Grace – More than we deserve – Greater than we imagine”. I love his writings, because they are both scriptural and come from a heart that knows God’s love and grace. My issue is not with his writings, but in getting my heart to get on board. What I feel in my heart doesn’t match the wonderful truths of scripture. I feel unworthy of love…

    I, and several others, have prayed about and for my marriage situation for over eight months, and rather than God softening her heart, she seems to grow more bitter. The fact that I exist is even a nuisance to her. Where IS God in all of this?

    “Lord, I need some TLC…”

    1. Steve,
      I am sorry to hear about your relationship with your wife. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling at this time. Don’t worry, I am not about to throw out some of those Christian cliches 🙂 . It is very human to err, question, feel anger and sorrow for the dark things in our lives. What I do know is that it is very hard to forgive one’s self even when God had wiped the slate clean. You can’t help but go back and say “Lord, why didn’t you give me a heads up about the path I was taking.”

      It is one thing to intellectually know about God and a whole other issue to truly feel God close and in our hearts. Try not to beat yourself up too much about your past. It has been done and you nor I can go back and change things no matter how much we wish. The good thing is we all have 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc chances (as long as we are alive) to change ourselves from this moment out. In the end, despite God being all powerful, we also have some control over the choices we make (which includes your wife). I do pray that you find the strength to forgive yourself, put one foot before the other each day, and ultimately find resolution in your heart and mind no matter how the situation ends.

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