Keeping It Real Moment


Tidbits I have learned from experiences and from others:

Internet Dating: The Internet is just a medium for two people to be introduced to each other. It should not be a sticking point in which two people dwell to create fantasies about each other or a place to avoid dealing with each other in real life. If an interested party lingers in the internet/non face to face world too long, then that should be a good sign to move on to someone who wants an interaction in the real world. If the intent is to have a ‘normal’ relationship, then why do you need to hide? If someone does need to hide, then I suggest therapy because s/he has a lot of shit to work out in order to have a decent relationship with anyone.

Text and Social Media: It is becoming common place for people to hide behind non face to face media. Are people so insecure and lacking confidence that they feel more comfortable with disassociated contact? It has become so easy to ‘fool’ people by pretending to be someone else and that has made the current generation look like idiots. There is even a TV show and term called Catfish to illustrate such stupidity. As a single, if most of your ‘relationship’ involves non face to face contact, then you really deserve what you get when you find out that you are being blatantly deceived.

There is no short cut to getting to know someone. I have seen more miserable ‘couples’ than unhappy singles.

Dump and Run: If s/he doesn’t call you, then s/he is not that into you. If you dread calling him/her, then you are not that into the person. If you have to keep making excuses for someone, then s/he is no good for you. There is no shame in admitting that a relationship is not working because the people closest to you already know. Common sense is there for a reason.

A Little Old Fashioned can be Good: Some modern men are falling short in their manly duties to show confidence with women and to take the initial lead. Call me old-fashioned but I extend respect for a man who takes the initiative to ask a woman out on a first date or get together instead of waiting for her to make the first move.  An independent and confident woman does not appreciate a cowardly and weak man unless she wants to use and dominate him.

Creating intimacy before getting to know someone usually leads to disaster. If there is no foundation to feed the magic, then you will be left with two strangers who were once hot for each other.

Women were created with one of the best weapons of all: the vagina. Just ask a sexually content husband. It is a great source of power but if misused or allow others to misuse, it can lead to emotional, spiritual, and psychological pain.

To Thine Own Self Be True: In my years of working with people, I have found one very significant thing. People are afraid to look in the mirror and get to know themselves.  It seems silly that people can hide the truth from themselves but it happens – it’s called suppression and denial. When you understand who you are – weakness, strengths, shame, joy, desires, wants, etc; then it’s less likely to become a doormat for others (family, partners, so-called friends), suffer from anxiety or depressive feelings, or make repeated disastrous life decisions.

Give Thanks: Despite all the craziness and disappointments, it helps to stop for a quiet moment and give thanks for the little things in your life.

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14 thoughts on “Keeping It Real Moment

  1. Hello, I wanted to know more of your thoughts about online dating. I struggle with the fact if should even be doing it or not. One day I will have a profile up and the next I wil take it down,mainly because sometimes i’m not sure if that is the right way to meet someone. I also feel as if im being inpatient by not waiting on God to make it happen instead of me trying to put myself in a situation. I also battle with moments of loneliness and thats when i turn back to wanting to my “reactivate” my profile. Do you think online dating is ok or is it best just to wait it out?

    1. Courtney,
      This is only my perspective on the issue, ultimately you will have to pray and decide for yourself. I tried online dating a few years ago because a few of my friends were doing it. I have posted a few things about online dating but here are my summaries:
      1. There is nothing wrong with online dating; however, it is just a tool to meet people who you would not necessarily meet in your every day life
      2. You need to use the same precautions that you would use for men you meet in real time.
      3. When I did join a site, it took me forever to put up a profile because in my heart I did not think it was the right medium for me. I only lasted a month on the site before I was bored and missed the old fashioned way of initially meeting someone.
      4. Online dating is not wrong or right, it’s how you feel about the method of initially meeting someone. Personally, I will never do the online thing again because it is not right for me.
      5. My other problem with online dating was the multiple choices/interest (some people may find this as a good thing). To me, it’s like having different flavors of ice cream on display and you feel obligated to go through them all before making a decision. That concept was too overwhelming. I am more of a 1:1 person who does not like to be rushed because there were still other men out there waiting to date and compare.
      6. In terms of being impatient. I have heard two conflicting things – God will bring your partner to you wherever you are or You have to go out and then God will bring your partner. My view is that you have to live your life no matter what. God did not etch in stone how, when or if he will provide a partner for you.
      7. Loneliness is a part of being single. There is nothing abnormal about that feeling. There is also nothing wrong with wanting to take action especially when you feel lonely. However, be aware that loneliness can push desperation which can result in bad choices. So accept that you will feel lonely but don’t make decisions when you are experiencing those overwhelming feelings.
      8. For me, online dating is not my choice and I will not do it again. I would recommend that you find things that you enjoy and get involved. I would even recommend stepping outside your comfort zone and engage in activities that you never thought about.
      9. The one thing I have learn is that you cannot speed up the timeline for the “right” partner (if you could then a lot of people would be happily married right now). Because a man is available does not mean he is the right one for you. However, use your single time to enjoy the things around you as much as possible. Who knows, you might meeting someone.
      10. Don’t sit around and wait but don’t spend all your energy on mate hunting either. Either option is not a set guarantee. I can’t reiterate how much doing things for yourself helps to refocus your ‘impatient’ energy. It doesn’t take away the impatience or the loneliness but it helps to make it manageable and it can be down right fun.
      11. If you are still curious about online dating, then put your profile up for 1 month and see. If you don’t like, then take it down. This can be done while you are discovering new things in your real life.
      I hope that helps.

      1. Thanks for your response. I know I need to stay in prayer about it with a doubt, I am not where I need to be spiritually and I would like to get to that place before seeking anything else. But there are those periods of loneliness which I know is not necessarily a bad thing, I just hate to feel like I need a man or relationship so it bothers me sometimes that i’m not content with the love of God and God alone. I have to realize that I am human and I have wants and needs just like the next person but I am handling it accordingly. Enjoyed reading your blog, again thank you for your response.

        1. I know that Christians are taught that God is all we need. However, I disagree. Most churches teach that there are different kinds of love as defined by the Greeks of old. As human beings, God’s love is different from parental love, friend love, and mate love. They all serve a purpose in our lives and they are not interchangeable.
          There is nothing wrong for a person who wants to feel the love and intimacy of mate (ask all the married pastors and pious religious people). As you say, it is very human. The hard part is trying to still function at full capacity when one of those loves are missing.

    2. I very much wanted to share my experience with you Courtney. I, myself, never found online dating as something to be ashamed about. I couldn’t agree more with HarleyQ2’s ever so wise advice, I also see it simply as a tool to meet people that you may not meet in the real world. Maybe it’s because of the novelty of the idea and people were not used to the idea of finding love online but there seemed to be a stigma attached to it 10-20 years ago. Do you think this stigma affects your feelings in any way. When I have mixed feelings or am confused about anything I like to ask myself if I truly feel a certain way because I just do or whether my feelings are influenced by others. I find that the best times to self reflect is when I have moments of clarity which is usually when I feel closer to God and that’s when I am at my happy place. I hope this helps 🙂

  2. For those wanting the book-list…with my comments on each book and author.

    Recovery Book List
    Max Lucado:
    God Came Near
    Grace: More than we deserve, Greater than we imagine
    Traveling Light
    Comments: Max Lucado is one of the foremost Christian authors today. His works are thoroughly Christian, and thoroughly Biblical. “God Came Near” is foundational for our understanding of Who Jesus Christ really is, and is based heavily on the Gospel of John. “Grace:” will immerse you in the truths of Scripture about your relationship with God. “Traveling Light” is a phrase-by-phrase exposition of the 23rd Psalm, and is truly a masterpiece.
    ************************************************************************************
    Dr. Larry Crabb:
    Inside Out
    Moving Through Your Problems Toward Finding GOD
    Comments: Dr. Larry Crabb is a Christian author and counselor, and his works are top-notch. “Inside Out” will remind you that only God can adequately do the work of healing and renewal in your life. “Finding GOD” is an intensely personal work, and will lead you from trying to find the solutions to your problems, to finding God, Who is the only true solution to your problems.
    ***********************************************************************************
    Robert S. McGee:
    The Search for Significance
    The Search for Peace
    Comments: Robert S. McGee is a Christian counselor and author who specializes in helping people apply the love and mercy of God to their personal situations. “Search for Significance” will help a person gain a true knowledge of who they are in Christ, apart from all the “whats” that used to dominate their life. “Search for Peace” is geared towards eliminating the unforgiveness that most of us drag through our lives like a battleship anchor.
    ************************************************************************************
    Dr. Bruce Fisher:
    Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends
    Comments: Dr. Fisher’s writings aren’t distinctly Christian per se, but he appears to at least be pro-Christian, and maybe a Christian himself. “Rebuilding” will take a person through the steps of getting through and over the ending of a relationship.
    ************************************************************************************
    Susan Anderson:
    The Journey from Abandonment to Healing
    Black Swan
    Comments: Susan Anderson is a secular author and psychotherapist. There is nothing distinctively Christian about her writings. The two books are companion volumes. The value I gained from them was understanding the depth of my rejection/abandonment problems. Mine began early in my childhood, and were buried or otherwise suppressed until quite recently, when I began my odyssey towards healing and recovery. I don’t recommend doing the various exercises, because they are self-centered and secular-humanistic. “Journey” is the primary text and “Black Swan” is an allegorical story.
    ************************************************************************************
    Final comments: Taken together, these books can form a framework in which a person can work through the problems and emotional challenges they are facing. If a person is truly honest with themselves, this will be a painful journey, but the rewards for traveling this road are priceless. If it is time to start ripping the band-aids off all those old wounds, be honest about those old hurts, and start applying God’s healing ointment, so that you can truly be whole again (or for the first time in your life), step up and let the journey begin. You will never be the same.

    In Christ,
    Steve

  3. Another excellent post! You do have a way with words 🙂

    Any relationship will only be as real as the persons in the relationship. The internet does allow for significantly more anonymity that is often available in-person. It is much easier to hide behind and monitor and keyboard. It all comes down to trust. Is the person on the other end of the line who and what they say they are? Is the person you are looking at what and who they say they are?

    My “wife” is a classic example of a person who is NOT what she appeared to be. Before we got married, I was firmly convinced that she was the “perfect” wife for me. She also had everyone else fooled, including my mom. She “loved the Lord”, but it turned out that the only “lord” she loves is herself. Less than six weeks after we got married, she moved out, leaving nothing but a note. Even though she had convinced me that she had broken off all previous relationships, she went to live with another man. Many months later she finally admitted that she was in love with someone else, and had been all along. It made absolutely no difference to her that we are married, and that God calls for certain behaviors when a person is married. She even told me to “not the play the God-card, because it hasn’t worked before, and it won’t work now.”

    I am an “old-fashioned” man. I have always taken the initiative in asking for dates, etc, but I have still gotten used more times than I can count. There are women that will use an “old-fashioned” man in the blink of an eye, because an “old-fashioned” man can be counted on to do what he says he will do, even if it hurts, or costs him otherwise. I was my third wife’s “sugar-daddy”, and when my “sugar”(money) ran out, so did she.

    Intimacy too soon…been there, done that, got the T-shirt. It has been far too easy to let my little head do the thinking, particularly after several years of sex-less marriage. It certainly isn’t something am proud of, but I am also man-enough to own up to it, and God is gracious.

    In a truly-Biblical marriage, there should be no doubt as to who wears the pants in the family. Unfortunately few marriages meet that standard. As a result, the husband may appear to wear the pants in the family, but it is only with his wife’s permission, because she uses sex as a tool of manipulation. When he is keeping her “happy”, she keeps him happy in the bedroom. When he ISN’T keeping her “happy”, there is hell-to-pay in the bedroom. Never mind that there are specific Biblical commands about just that issue. Again…been there, done that, got the T-shirt. My 2nd wife was that way, and we had a sexless relationship for the majority of our 8 1/2 years of marriage. She divorced me after I presented the Biblical commands to her, and told her we would be working on getting that in order. I have even seen a church that has been run by an influential woman in the church. The pastor’s mother-in-law “owns” the music ministry, and her husband is an elder. If something in the music ministry doesn’t go her way, that is quickly taken care of because her husband…and the pastor want “peace” and a “piece” in the bedroom. Women pack a punch in their panties…

    A person can only be true to themselves if they actually know WHO they are. I have spent the better part of 57 years as a “what”, not a WHO. For most of my life, who I was was defined by what I did…my roles, my positions, my titles, my accomplishments. I had no identity apart from those things. I didn’t have a childhood. I had to become a “little-man” when I was very young. I had a demanding, perfectionistic father, and the only acknowledgement I got was for performance…for achievement. Failure to perform…failure to achieve…failure of any kind was punished. My grandfather on my dad’s side died on my 11th birthday, and my dad was in so big a hurry to get to Illinois to be with his family, that he didn’t have time to help me celebrate my birthday. My birthday didn’t get celebrated after he got back home either. I didn’t matter to him. I am just now…after 57 years, starting to get to know the man in the mirror. This is a time of intense, and often painful, search for WHO I am, so that when the time comes when I am free to pursue another romantic relationship, I will actually be able to “be myself”, because I will know WHO I am. I have a rather extensive library of books by Christian authors dealing with the various facets of getting to know who I am. I can provide a book-list if anyone is interested.

    I do try to give thanks to God for something every day. If the sun is shining, I thank Him for the sunshine and blue sky. If it is a cloudless night, I thank Him for the grandeur of His universe. I nearly always than Him for my daily bread. I really do have more to be thankful for than I take time to express. In many ways, I am richly blessed.

    God bless!

    Steve

    1. Steve,
      Thanks for the compliment :-). Being direct is the only thing I know and it gets the point across quickly. You might be interested in this 4 part series about being single http://northpoint.org/messages/the-new-rules-for-love-sex-and-dating/
      I found it through someone else and absolutely loved what the Pastor had to say because I wholeheartedly agree with his message for singles of any age.

      In my former career, I would spend hours teaching my clients that they need to know themselves first and foremost. Too often we try to please others without knowing which end is up or down for ourselves. Introspection and change were and still are some of the hardest things for people to do – regardless of their past or present. I would tell my clients that they choose their behaviors and while others in their lives affected them deeply, it still is up to them to choose how they will live from this moment onwards.

      It sounds like you are on the right track to working out your ‘demons’ and figuring out what you want for yourself. That is not an easy task.. kudos to you. Most people want to run away from pain in their lives, but the funny thing is, unknowingly, they create more pain by setting up/getting into situations that perpetuate a cycle. You can’t fix something if you don’t know/acknowledge that there is a problem.

      For every aspect of our lives, the individual is the common denominator. There has to come a time when we have to stop and say “What am I doing wrong?” “What choices am I making that brings me here?” It is in essence pointing all 5 fingers at ourselves instead of out at others. That is one of the biggest lessons I was forced to learn as a counselor and I am still using those tools now despite not practicing.

      I have seen both men and women manipulate each other. It’s a game that the proverbial strong will play on the weak. I believe that very few people are excellent at deception to the point they can fool the brightest of us using whatever tool they have-money, power, sex etc,. The average person who lies and cheats gets away with it when the intended target ignores the warning signs and willingly plays along because they have created a ‘fantasy’ in their heads about the person. When someone tells me a divorce or break up story, I can’t help myself but to ask what’s your part in all this? (a left over habit). The reaction is usually feeling offended (those who have not been introspective) or contemplation (the realization that he/she was one of two people in the relationship).

      There is no perfect person; however, it is more accurate to say it’s people who are in different stages of change or sorting out their stuff.

    2. I would like to see the book list as I am getting to know myself better too. Thanks Steve for sharing your experiences.

  4. Ain’t that the truth? LOL. I really needed this. Thank you for sharing what some of us may be afraid to speak out loud.

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