The trouble with being introspective is that you cannot play ignorant with yourself. Once some glimmer of insight comes to light, then you are obligated to pay attention. Introspection has become an everyday part of me and my most recent light is that I am too selfish and shallow to be anyone’s wife.
I was reading a blog that a friend sent to me entitled, Why You’re Not Married by Tracy McMillan. According to her post, I self identified with being selfish and shallow. I am selfish because I have only myself to think about. I have no biological children, never wanted to give birth (more power to you birth mothers) and no intention of going through the adoption process again (God bless you adoptive mothers). My parents are older but they are still self-sufficient and they do not need much support from me. So, this leaves me with…. well… me.
I am shallow because I find a specific physical attribute attractive and I will dismiss someone who is lacking – no it has nothing to do with penis size. I do care what a man looks like on the outside as much as the inside (so, away with you men who wear your pants down below your butts, or have guts that look like an 8 months pregnant woman, or walk around looking disheveled). I believe in physical attraction as much as I believe in personality and intellectual attraction. As bad as this sound (hint shallow) I am not one of those women who will accept a guy just because he is sweet and would make a “good husband”. I will not make myself “settle” that much. Actually, I can’t make myself settle at all. I think I have an aversion to the word settle.
I have asked myself how did I get to this point in which marriage had become such an important and almost obsessive entity in my life. The answer is it was random. It came at a time when I was not expecting it or welcomed it…when I turned 30. It’s like suddenly falling hard and fast in love with the best guy friend who has always been around but you had no interest in him at all – talk about unexpected. I was quite perturbed with God for this unwelcome burden. How do you fight and reconcile a strong intrusive urge when your emotions says now and the mind was not ready? After two years of gradual acceptance, I conceded to the idea of marriage and family.
I have blogged before that I really enjoyed being single and independent for most of my life and I was not bsing. There was a certain sense of contentment with being single and selfish. Sure, there are down sides – no immediate dinner date, no sex on demand, no one helping you with big and little stuff etc. I think you get the point. However, besides all that, I like coming home to my own place, making vacation plans whenever the mood hits, freely spending my money on whatever I want (after all the bills were paid), I could stay out and go and come as I please without checking in with anyone. I was free to flirt without guilt. Oh the life!
I have managed to shake the motherhood thing but the desire to be married curse still plagues me like your annoying monthly menstruation that is guaranteed to make an appearance. I was not marriage material back in the single and content days and the real truth is I am still not proper marriage material. So what’s the point of this insane pursuit of marriage? Is it age? Is it I don’t want people to think I’m gay? Is it everybody is doing it? What? What is it? A small piece of that article had pushed me to face the fact that I am not happy in this husband hunt. It bugs me that any potential looking man I see brings up the thought “Could he make a good husband?” I miss the days when I just saw men as men and not husband potential. I miss the no pressure days.
Don’t get me wrong, I was not and will not be the around town kind of girl. I would just like to go back to the moments when I was contented to be single. I wanted to be content in the state I am in – S I N G L E. I did not say the grass is always greener on the other side actually the grass is never greener on either side. Single and married come with their own challenges. I can not control the husband aspect of my life but I can control the me aspect of my life. I can not continue in this ‘should’ phase that seems to come after a certain age – this will drive me completely mad and into a state of depression.
I am literally in a pursuit to quench an inexplicable urge that took me off guard a few years ago. So, I have made a decision – I am attempting to take back the cognitive control from my emotional urge – that I need to jump-start my single and contented life again. I need to put that urge in a box and if God wants me to be married then he will just have to catch up with me while I am enjoying singlehood in my late 30’s.
Wish me blessings and staying power.