Security in Singleness

Yep, I admit it. I am going to be a life long old maid bachelorette and I am not shedding a tear. As I grey in places that shouldn’t have grey hairs , as each year I move closer to the 40’s, as my body struggles to drop the fat it’s holding to for dear life,  and as body parts start to creak and pop when I bend, I realize that I am becoming more and more settled within my lifestyle.

Recently, I was up to my ear in small children, married couples and first time pregnant women. I may have been the only one who noticed that I didn’t belong to either of those groups. I chuckled to myself as people introduced their children and significant other and I wanted to jokingly say “Hi, I am …. and it’s just me.” I refrain from doing it because it might have made the others uncomfortable with my plus 0 status. To make matters more comfortable, the wives were not clutching their husbands in fear that I might lure them away as a single she-devil.

I happily joined into the family centered discussions because despite my old maid bachelorette status I had stuff to say about pregnancy, young children, and marriage topics. I did not feel out-of-place or bothered with my plus 0 . The grass did not look greener on the other side. The grass just simply looked different. I was secure in my status knowing that I was the odd person out in that group dynamics but being aware of it did not change the fact that I  felt secure within myself and what I had to offer to the group. I was relaxed and it resulted in a great time. Would I do it again? Absolutely.

I recognized that many singles in the same situation would have left early, felt very out-of-place and exhibited that behavior, felt bad for themselves, and perhaps swear off groups with 2 or more couples/families involved. Frankly, I don’t have the mental capacity or the energy to get myself in such a depressive tizzy. The self-pitying can only go so far before it becomes a useless tool in the single person survival kit. I was invited to that gathering and I was there to celebrate an occasion for the host; therefore, my self-centeredness was not welcome when there is fun to be had.

So many singles are afraid of such gatherings because they fear they will feel bad. They will be reminded of what they are lacking. However, my view is that there is so much more to life than one’s single status in such situations. I had the opportunity to be around really ‘good people’ and it was a great way to spend a few hours. There is nothing wrong in feeling secure in your singleness because it shows security in oneself.


5 thoughts on “Security in Singleness

  1. I’m a 48 year old single Christian woman who has gone out with literally dozens of men. In April of 2011, I met the love of my life. We were in a relationship for just over a year, were talking about marriage, looking to buy a house together, when out of the blue, he walked out on me. Needless to say, I was devastated. That was over two and a half years ago…..and I’m still devastated….and long for him. Meanwhile…..he’s moved on and I’m but a distant memory to him. I tried dating another guy a year later, but I didn’t like him….my thoughts were always with my ex. Obviously, that didn’t work out too well either.

    I am so despondent and depressed, feel old, and think that I’ll never be able to love anyone again. I have become a recluse, preferring the security of my home. I don’t go to church anymore either because it hurts to see people with families and loved ones.

    My deepest desire right now is to die because I can’t imagine staying alone for the rest of my life….without any children or a loving family. It’s too late for me now….it’s pretty much over….no family….no emotional intimacy…..I wish I could die…..I wish God would just take me.

    I can literally feel the depression in my brain. The pain is unrelenting. My trust in God is gone, and I feel utterly hopeless.


    1. Mimi,
      I am sorry to hear that someone hurt you so callously. I can understand why you are still hurting right now and your desire to withdraw from church because it can be a reminder of the family you wanted. It sounds like you still believe this individual was your last chance at happiness; however, he is not so. You are still in the mourning process even though it has been over two years. I recognize that it does feel easier to hid at home where it is safe and to give up without hope.

      Hopefully, you will realize that there are people in the world who intentionally hurt others and it has nothing to do with you. You had a lot to offer this person but he did not honor and respect your gift. It is never too late for anything – not to love or get your energy and self appreciation back.

      In order to recover from such a hurtful situation, you have to find that tiny bit of life that is still in you and start to refocus on yourself as a beautiful, vibrant and very worthy 48 year old woman. You have to get yourself out of the ‘retreat’ of your house and discover the things that gave you pleasure. It could be walking in the park, buying a new clothing item, seeing a movie and eventually going back to church. Say a little prayer that God can give you the strength to take the first step (even though you feel your trust is gone from God).

      It will not be easy to get back to feeling like yourself again and the memory of that individual will take time to fade; however I do believe it is worth the try. Focusing on what have been lost will continue to keep in you a state of feeling depressed and hopeless. Instead, you have to be able to focus on the best parts of you, that took 48 years to cultivate in which no one can ever take away.

  2. Yes, she certainly has moved on with her life, but she also has few if any moral scruples. The fact that she is legally-married to me matters not one iota to her, because living with him is what makes her “happy”. She believes that God wants her to be “happy”, even if it means being disobedient to His commands.

    That really is my quandary: What actually constitutes a marriage? Is it a piece of paper, registered with the state, or is it a covenant made before God? Biblically, when she moved out and went to live with another man, she was abandoning me and committing adultery, which are legitimate grounds for a divorce. Am I Biblically-divorced, and free to move on with my life, and pursue another relationship, even though I still have a state-registered “Marriage License”? What would the reaction be if I walked into my church with another woman, particularly since quite a few people there have met my wife?

    Can I move on, or am I “condemned” to this no-man’s-land of being a married-single?

  3. Those kind of situations affect each of us differently. I might have been comfortable in that situation, but it would heavily-depend on the circumstances surrounding the gathering. I am most uncomfortable during gatherings for the family-holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Last year I was invited by one family for Thanksgiving and another for Christmas. Thanksgiving was “okay”, although I wasn’t a part of that family, and something/someone was missing. The Christmas celebration was delightful, as I got to celebrate with a large, extended family which included several children, but I wasn’t in a good emotional-space. I was lonely in a crowd, because something/someone was missing. I was missing my other-half, my wife.

    I am stuck in that no-man’s-land of being a married-single. I am legally-married, however I am functionally-single, and it is an emotionally-difficult situation to be in. While my wife was celebrating those holidays with her friends and family, and I should have been part of it, I wasn’t. This is not a good emotional-space to be in, and I can’t realistically do anything about it.

    As we are, once again, approaching the holidays, I do so with a great deal of trepidation, because lacking an invitation to a family-gathering, I will have to spend them alone. I don’t like this space…

    God bless!


    1. I agree that for a lot of people being the single guy/girl out is a very difficult place. For me, it comes down to acceptance and enjoying the people around me. This is not an easy thing to do. It sounds like your estranged wife has moved on with her life and it is taking you a little longer.

      I hope that this year you will be able to find good friends in which to celebrate the holiday season. And if you don’t, I hope that it is not as difficult.

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