I am a Sinner

I am a Sinner with a capital S. This is not a proud status but it certainly is a very real status. In my current state, I will not be one of the 144,000 mentioned in the Book of Revelation. In my current state, I will not be one of the righteous in the first resurrection. In my current state, I will more likely be in the group with the other people. You know, the group in which most religious people either do not mention or speak of badly.

How do I know that I am a sinner? The Bible of course. When Christians read the Bible, they do not imagine themselves being in the group of others. They imagine themselves sitting at the feet of God with a goofy smile in an all-white and bright paradise. If one listens very carefully, Christians will admit to being sinners but not really. They admit it only in the context in which the Bible says we are sinners and lost because of our human nature which was corrupted in the garden. There are other passages that noted we are born in sin and shaped in inequity or that section which reads not one is righteous except….

I can list all my sins to myself and God. I know when I am trying to justify something that is Biblically contradictory. I really do know but in order to stay out of the other group I lie to myself. Every now and then (actually a lot more than I want to admit), I am totally comfortable with lying to myself. I give it some time before I am slapped in the face with the Biblical truth and that becomes the ‘O shit, my bad” moment. You know, the log in the eye analogy. Yep, I can admit to having the log-in-my-eye infection (I guarantee that it comes without the fishy odour).

I am the antithesis of a true Christian believer and here are some of the reasons. If you missed most of my blog entries, I have been on church sabbatical for a few years with an occasional appearance. I cannot stand religious rhetoric (oddly I can manage other rhetoric but less tolerant when it comes to Christianity). If being a believer is a matter of life or death, then speak to me plainly in basic and raw human needs and I will understand and show more respect. There is a time for everything under the sun. There is a time to be highfalutin and there is a time to keep it simple stupid (KISS). I really detest majority Christian gatherings because there is a ridiculous and compulsive need to be the perfect Christian. It’s hard to see the real person. This is either a gift or curse but most often than not I am usually able to detect bullshit and can be easily repelled.

I am the antithesis of a true Christian believer because there are aspects of the Bible that does not ‘sit well’ with me. If I could get away with just doing ‘good deeds,’ and having my own private Father-daughter time with God, then I would be the best Christian ever. Do not be mistaken, there are amazing aspects to Christianity – the love from wonderful people, the caring for others, someone on high looking out for your best interest in the afterlife etc. If that was all there was to making it through the Pearly gates, then I would definitely be the first in line.

I am a defiant person who still believes in Christianity. I see the value and the benefit in having a belief in God; however, I am still defiant to certain things which therefore puts me in the group with the others. My sins are my own and I take full responsibility (as I should) for every single one of them. Even if I did get my act fully on God’s track, I would still not be a typical Christian. I know that I do not fit into that box. I am a sinner and not in that stupid religious cliché term. I am the real deal – you know, the ones that Jesus died for on the cross but too stubborn to get it right. I have no intentions of bullshitting anyone with a pretty picture of me. What you see and hear is exactly as is (I am still allowed to have my own personal secrets), take it or leave it because I may not be a proud sinner but I am certainly not hiding or pretending.




7 thoughts on “I am a Sinner

  1. Yes, I am a sinner too. I am not a blatantly obvious sinner, my biggest sins are inward sins, the kind that no one can see. But I also wear my heart on my sleeve. I get what you’re saying about people giving an image of squeaky-clean Christianity. However, as I read your post, I am reminded that I’ve become quite used to my sinfulness. I have become quite used to the fact that I am a work in progress, and that sanctification is a daily thing.

    Let me explain. I used to freak out about my sinfulness. I was acutely aware of all my sins. I still am, however, I have also become acutely aware of the fact that God knows me better than I know me. He know my words before I speak them, and my thoughts before I think them. This may seem scary to some, but it is comforting to me because as sinful and frail as I am, God still lends me air to breathe. He still hasn’t struck me down, and He has continued to bless me as I learn to walk in obedience to Him.

    I sometimes worry that this is making me complacent about my sins. But really, I think I have actually just become more comfortable with God. I still find myself confessing some of the same sins, and I just feel like both God and I are used to the routine. It doesn’t mean I don’t repent, it just means, well, that I’ve accepted grace.

    We talk about “walking with Jesus”, but for most of my Christian life, I have stumbled alongside of Jesus. It is only in the last few years that I kind of feel like I can stand on my own two feet. Keep looking up.

    1. Thank you for your comment Lila, I like the phrase “stumbling with Jesus” because that has been my life long relationship or at least that’s how it seems. I definitely understand your view about ‘inward sins’ and the repetitive prayer and coming to accept God’s grace-eventually.

      The one thing I know is that we all have our journey and it can be similar but it’s not exactly the same. Therefore, we handle our relationship with God according to our experiences.

  2. Hello, I have been reading your and trees and we have a lot in common as far as 144,000 go you don’t need to worry about that because only the Jewish people that are counted in that also Gentiles will also be going. anyhow for something a little less heavy i understand completely your other blogs as well about having times of being at home and think to yourself and then other times with being out and about that is exactly me

  3. The fact that we DON’T deserve it is the basis of grace, because if we “deserved” it, it wouldn’t be “grace”. “Grace” is God NOT giving us what we deserve, eternity in hell, and giving us what we DON’T deserve, His pardon and favor. If we “deserved” God’s pardon and favor, we would be able to save ourselves, which we can’t.

    When we feel the most “undeserving” of God’s grace is when it is the most effective in our lives. My church serves communion every Sunday, and it is when I am contemplating His sacrifice, as symbolized it the Lord’s Supper, that I feel the most unworthy to be there and partaking of it, and yet my own unworthiness is what it symbolizes, that God, in His great love and mercy, sent His only Son into the world to do what I can’t do for myself, resort me to a right-relationship with God. Those are heart-wrenching moments. Yes, I am also a work-in-progress, and sometimes that work is very slow, but in reality, it is God’s work, not my works.

    God bless!


  4. Until we own our own sinfulness, there is no room for salvation by grace. Until we realize that we can’t save ourselves, there is no room for salvation by grace. Until we quit pretending that we are right before God, in and of ourselves, there is no room for salvation by grace. Until we quit believing that we can make ourselves holy and right before God, there is no room for salvation by grace.

    “Salvation by grace” is the root, the core of the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ. He came to do what we can never do, make ourselves right before God. That is the “Good News”!

    The Apostle Paul, in 1st Timothy 1:15-16, said; “It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. 16 Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life.”

    I can tell you from personal experience that the Apostle Paul was a rank-amateur compared to me. When I gave my written testimony last Easter to my church, it was a heavily-sanitized version, but even what I did write was enough to make most Christians cringe. That testimony is filed under “A Story of Grace” in my blog. I am no “model Christian” either, just a SINNER saved by grace, and it is no use to pretend otherwise. I can’t justify myself before Almighty God, so I have no basis for pretending I am something that I am not in front of others.

    God bless!


    1. Thank you Steve,
      I will check out your story. Yes, it is by the Grace of God, that anyone can claim to be saved and be a faithful believer of God. Sometimes I accept the grace and other times deny it because I feel undeserving. I am definitely a work in progress with my spiritual walk and sometimes slow crawl.

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