Wanting What God Did Not Intend

I have to admit that following the Biblical rules can be very challenging. The bible has very set ideas about right and wrong. It leaves no room for in-between and grey areas. This could be the reason why so many of us struggle with feeling like or have committed sins on a daily basis. When God created us with free-will then proclaimed there was a four wall boundary in which to not cross, it inevitably caused confusion, confliction and stress. Maybe that’s the reason most people spend their Christian journey on their knees either asking for forgiveness or discernment in making the right Godly choices.

My single journey has been filled mostly with my own wants and bucket list. I specifically wanted a single, free, do-what-I-want lifestyle and I got it. All of which have been enjoyable and a source of character growth, identity and self-confidence building. I can say that I am very secure within myself that it would take a 9.5 Richter scale earthquake to cause damage to my foundation.  As I am blessed with 39 years of life, the desire for companionship has crept in albeit very slowly. I have come to a slow conclusion over the last 5 years that there is nothing wrong for me in wanting to share the joys and stress of my life with someone else and in tern be supportive to that person on an intimate level.

I am a self professed commitment phobe. Life can be so much easier when you have only yourself to think about. As I had watched my parents marriage over the years, it had taught me the importance of and hard work required to have a committed relationship. Ironically, it was that realization at a young age that pushed me down the single path. I was not ready to give that much of myself to anyone but me.  In the last few weeks, I have been having some very frank discussions with a male former single playboy now married with family coworker. I had to verbally acknowledge a few things I already knew about myself. It has been disconcerting to hear someone point them out and me verbally admitting to certain things to someone beyond myself. It was not eye opening but more real awareness. I learn so much about myself from people who have the balls to give me such honest feeback.

So, what is it that I want that God did not intent? I want the best of both the single and married world. I absolutely love being single and free to go and do what I wish. I love making last minute decisions about what I want to do for any given weekend. I love planning my life according to my schedule. I love the idea that I can pack and move to another state just because I can. I love the fact that I can choose to eat out or dine in and not worry about another mouth to feed. I love not having to give an accountability as to whether I am going to be late or why I am late. I have my own bed to myself  and my things are just the way I like them. I love the autonomy of being single.

On the other hand, the things I love about the marital benefits include having an available social activity partner to try out a new restaurant or event. I love having company when I don’t feel like being alone. I love the idea of being able to release sexual tension and enjoy sex when desired. I love the idea of having someone concerned if I am late to get home. I love the joys of intimacy, having an available helper, and someone close with whom to share good and bad moments. I love the pleasure of companionship.

See my dilemma? Obviously, those two things are on the opposite end of the biblical spectrum. In order to get the best of both worlds, my lifestyle would have to exist outside what God intended. What would that look like? Sort of like Oprah and Steadman – two single people who have their individual lives but come together as wanted or needed. No marriage, no living together, no sharing personal property but an unconventional nontraditional relationship.

In the Christian world, it is either one or  the other not both. So obviously I have a decision to ponder. Do I stick with the joys of singleness and sacrifice the natural desire for companionship? Do I get over my commitment phobia and learn to share my life fully with a compatible partner? Neither of which are the easier road because they require giving up certain things. Can I be certain that if I find a compatible partner I won’t still yearn for the days when it’s just about me? The issue is I only know about the pleasure of singleness because I have yet to meet anyone who had enough pull to entice me to the marital side. Could it be that I need to find the right guy who can change my view of marriage being a stagnant, limiting, excessively compromising institution? I do not have any answers to these questions so until then the most attractive aspect of single vs married is having the best of both worlds.


11 thoughts on “Wanting What God Did Not Intend

  1. I can relate to what you wrote and it’s not easy on deciding which path to take. The pain of being alone and the pain of being yoked to someone else. I know that if I am to stay single or to get married, it is the path that God wants me to go on and He will bless that path and take care of my needs. Love is sacrificial and not selfish. We all have to give up something or many somethings when in any relationship, even if you are single and with Jesus. May He guide you and meet your needs along your journey with Him 🙂

  2. I have the same kinds of struggles, even though I am twenty years older than you. I have enjoyed the best marriage has to offer and endured the worst of marriage-struggles. My first wife was selfless to the point that I had to buy her underwear for her because she would rather forego having what she needed so the kids could have what they needed. My wives since then…not so much.

    I have come to a high-degree of acceptance of being single, and am quite used to “sleeping-single in a double bed”. I have no real desire for another marriage, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t desire companionship, just not all the time. What would suit my lifestyle best would be a “friend with benefits”, occasional companionship and occasional sex, but without the full-time commitment.

    As a Christian, that isn’t Biblical. That doesn’t mean that I am not a sexual person, but it does mean that I have to keep my sexual-desires in check until the right lady comes my way with true long-term commitment.


    1. I absolutely understand Steve.
      Note: You were a good husband to think about your first wife’s needs when she did not think about herself. That trait is so lacking in so many marriages these days. It makes me wonder why people bother to get married.

  3. I appreciate your honesty in the dilemma that you have been having. I agree that the gift of singleness is amazing when you are living for Christ. I also agree that the image of a Christ centered marriage is also alluring as marriage makes the two look more like Jesus as well. It is a tough decision, especially since living your life for Jesus in either situation is equally as beautiful. I pray that God shows you which direction he wants you to go and that if it is marriage, then He will certainly send the right man to pursue you.
    Grace and peace to you!

  4. Another wonderful honest post, thank you! It made me think about my own state. I saw my parents work hard on their own marriage, my mother dying almost 2 years ago this coming December, now it’s just my father and I at the house. It also reminded me of my issues concerning relationship problems, emotional abuse and also another type of abuse, and I’m learning to keep them in God, I always wanted to be in a healthy relationship, and I still do, even after my relationship with God becoming healthier these past 10 months! That I’m very happy about. It’s given me the strength and clarity I’ve needed in my life. Now it’s just down to living in him and keeping that desire for a spouse in his hands. God loves us all with an undying, jealous love. And I’m finally learning to be by myself in his care and enjoying it, everything is becoming more clarified. This is something that I rejoice in!

    1. Thank you Daniel. I am glad to hear that your relationship with God has been improving. Change is our choice whether it is the relationship with God, ourselves or others. One step at a time.

  5. Thank you for being so honest! I love reading your blogs because you are honest and open in a way that I think people should be, especially those who follow Christ. You are very down to earth and real in your writing. I can’t say I can help you with your dilemma but I am so grateful you’re being so honest about it! It’s nice to hear someone just say what they’re thinking instead of skirting around the edges. Thank you! And don’t stop wrestling with the dilemma. Either way, God will be with you in your journey! 🙂

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