I am a Sinner

I am a Sinner with a capital S. This is not a proud status but it certainly is a very real status. In my current state, I will not be one of the 144,000 mentioned in the Book of Revelation. In my current state, I will not be one of the righteous in the first resurrection. In my current state, I will more likely be in the group with the other people. You know, the group in which most religious people either do not mention or speak of badly.

How do I know that I am a sinner? The Bible of course. When Christians read the Bible, they do not imagine themselves being in the group of others. They imagine themselves sitting at the feet of God with a goofy smile in an all-white and bright paradise. If one listens very carefully, Christians will admit to being sinners but not really. They admit it only in the context in which the Bible says we are sinners and lost because of our human nature which was corrupted in the garden. There are other passages that noted we are born in sin and shaped in inequity or that section which reads not one is righteous except….

I can list all my sins to myself and God. I know when I am trying to justify something that is Biblically contradictory. I really do know but in order to stay out of the other group I lie to myself. Every now and then (actually a lot more than I want to admit), I am totally comfortable with lying to myself. I give it some time before I am slapped in the face with the Biblical truth and that becomes the ‘O shit, my bad” moment. You know, the log in the eye analogy. Yep, I can admit to having the log-in-my-eye infection (I guarantee that it comes without the fishy odour).

I am the antithesis of a true Christian believer and here are some of the reasons. If you missed most of my blog entries, I have been on church sabbatical for a few years with an occasional appearance. I cannot stand religious rhetoric (oddly I can manage other rhetoric but less tolerant when it comes to Christianity). If being a believer is a matter of life or death, then speak to me plainly in basic and raw human needs and I will understand and show more respect. There is a time for everything under the sun. There is a time to be highfalutin and there is a time to keep it simple stupid (KISS). I really detest majority Christian gatherings because there is a ridiculous and compulsive need to be the perfect Christian. It’s hard to see the real person. This is either a gift or curse but most often than not I am usually able to detect bullshit and can be easily repelled.

I am the antithesis of a true Christian believer because there are aspects of the Bible that does not ‘sit well’ with me. If I could get away with just doing ‘good deeds,’ and having my own private Father-daughter time with God, then I would be the best Christian ever. Do not be mistaken, there are amazing aspects to Christianity – the love from wonderful people, the caring for others, someone on high looking out for your best interest in the afterlife etc. If that was all there was to making it through the Pearly gates, then I would definitely be the first in line.

I am a defiant person who still believes in Christianity. I see the value and the benefit in having a belief in God; however, I am still defiant to certain things which therefore puts me in the group with the others. My sins are my own and I take full responsibility (as I should) for every single one of them. Even if I did get my act fully on God’s track, I would still not be a typical Christian. I know that I do not fit into that box. I am a sinner and not in that stupid religious cliché term. I am the real deal – you know, the ones that Jesus died for on the cross but too stubborn to get it right. I have no intentions of bullshitting anyone with a pretty picture of me. What you see and hear is exactly as is (I am still allowed to have my own personal secrets), take it or leave it because I may not be a proud sinner but I am certainly not hiding or pretending.



Declaring God Under Fire

I have been known to wake up from odd dreams every now and again. This morning was one such situation. Besides it being annoying to have my sleep disturbed, the dreams usually put me in a state of great contemplation about my life existence.

This dream in question had a religious focus. In the dream, I was in a bedroom with my older sister and we are awake in a dark room after hearing a noise. I move to lock two doors and we listen intently for something going on outside the bedroom. There is a sense of life threatening fear and in the dream, I realize that this threat was due to religion – more specifically it was our Christian belief. Apparently, we try to secure ourselves from Billy Graham who is wearing an old nazi era German uniform.

The scene jumps to me walking alone downhill on a long road and I pass an abandon car on the side with a man who looks like Denzel Washington slumped over the dash with a bullet in his head. I pass the vehicle only to see Denzel getting up to talk to me – he was pretending to be dead.  He is telling me that people were being separated and he made his escape. The dream implies Denzel and I share the same Christian belief. We see a group of 3 average women with rifles coming and we hide but not very well. The women ask us about the location of a specific person in which I vaguely answer and one woman informs us that we need to be careful and then I wake up.

My dreams are most often weird but I can usually remember a specific theme. In this dream, there is a religious persecution theme much like Hitler to the Jews. I typically wake up thinking about my spirituality and relationship with God. I could not help but think that if my life was in danger due to my belief would I deny God?

It is so easy to be a devoted Christian during times of peace. However, would that be the same if my life depended on it? Would I be one of those denying Christ just like Peter when I am under duress? We would all like to think we are the exception to the rule; however, I can truly say that I do not know what my answer would be if faced with religious persecution.

The idea of death can be very scary even for a devoted Christian. We value life so much despite having a steadfast belief that there are better things to embrace with God. I can admit to being a religious scaredy cat when it comes to death. I think the fear of death, even with a promise of paradise, comes from our value we place on this world. I think there is an underlying belief that if we are no longer present in the world we will be missing a whole lot of stuff.

The other side effect to the religious dreams is a quick overview of my daily value in life. While we still have to live in this world, the Bible does tell us to focus on things above. Such dreams usually call into question the frivolousness of my ‘important stuff’ that does not seem to have much value in comparison to what God is offering. The dreams are usually an intermittent reminder that there is a greater force in charge and I need to get my relationship with God in order.

For every one of my random religious dreams, there are many people in different parts of the world who are forced to choose due to their Christian allegiance. I do not know the true meaning of religious persecution; however, many others at this moment can attest to it or have lost their lives for it. I feel blessed to have religious liberty; however, it does behoove us to really ask ourselves the question of what would we do if our lives depend on acknowledging or deny our relationship with the Christian God.

God’s Plans Are His Not Mine

The Bible says very clearly that God has HIS plans for us. He is the author of HIS creation and therefore knows how it will all end. We are here to fall in line.

It amuses me when people testify that God answered their prayers or believers share an enthusiastic belief that God has great things planned for their lives. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that in HIS great plan there are some people who are destined to play certain roles in this game of good vs. evil. God already knows the beginning from the end; He sees what’s in the heart; so it stands to humanly reason that our prayers (God knows what we want even before we ask) are mere ritualistic tribute.

Prayer is comforting. I still do it and it typically sounds more like a one sided conversation. I do not go into details about what I do/don’t want anymore because He already knows. He also knows whether he will give or not give it to me. He knows if he will give me something completely different from what I have been asking. He can even give me something I never thought about. The prayer is merely for my peace of mind and trying to keep some connection. I usually end my prayer with something like “well it’s all up to you” or “if it’s your will.” This is not a flippant ending but an acknowledgement that I do believe God is in charge of everything – whether I wake up in the morning, my next job, my family circumstances etc.

Since childhood, I have been given various images of God. The one image that still lasts even until today is very closely related to a depiction of Zeus with his lightening bolt. As I got older, God was simultaneous presented like a loving father as well. As much as I have tried, I never saw God as a father or at least not in the sense that the clergy wants us to see HIM. I have no face, no voice, no concrete personal experiences to which I can attribute a father role. All I was given are Bible stories. To me, God is the Creator who requires a level of obedience in order to be on his heaven list. I respect HIS intricate handiwork which can be magnificent – take a moment to look at a perfectly crafted baby or a sunset. I respect HIS desire for his human creations to show love to each other at all times. However, feeling a sense of emotional love, which is required, is difficult. It’s the equivalent of falling madly in love with some guy whom I have never seen or heard but only received letters about his life as inspired by others. Love in the face of pure absence is HIS plan not mine.

I do believe that we are either playing God’s game, the devil’s game or a mixture of both. If I had my say, then I would prefer just God’s game – the one where he wants all to experience no more tears or death. Unfortunately, there is a sourpuss running around mucking things up (Peter did say that the devil is like a roaring lion seeking those he can devour). There is no such thing as our game or true free will. We play a part that is already controlled by one party or the other (yikes, it’s starting to sound like the Matrix).

The world is chaotic which is nothing new and the Christians are still preaching the signs of the times. Actually, they have been preaching it since ages past. Everyone seem to think they have deciphered the mind of God. Each religion and each branch of every religion seem to believe they cornered God’s absolute truth. They are so sure they speak the will of God whether in showing kindness or atrocities. If you step back far enough, one can see that the same ‘play’ has been used over and over since the dawn of time. Its HIS plan not ours.

It is still HIS plan whether we like it or not. It is his plan whether we pray or not, whether we believe or not, and whether we are on the good or the bad side. Despite my tenuous relationship with God, I don’t ever forget that he exists (that is my faith) and I will certainly never forget that HE is in full control no matter what happens or what we think we want.

NOTE: I did not add any scriptures because I do believe most Christians have scoured their Bibles and have read the references. However, if anyone do need chapter and verse, then I will be happy to supply.

The Pedestal Christian

I recently traveled to visit a friend and her husband. The couple is in their 60’s, very active, and is a devoted Christian. They reside in a primarily Christian community with a Christian college in the vicinity. During this trip, I learnt a few things in relation to practicing Christianity.

I broke my sabbatical and did attend church partly as a courtesy to my hosts. I had always liked the church, which was located on the school campus, so it did not take much prodding to go. I am going to list a few thing that stood out to me during my visit.

1. Practicing faith without being obnoxious. The couple was more than ‘one day’ Christians. They were always generous, ready to help, giving, and accommodating whenever possible. This is impressive because many religious people do not see the need to be Christians apart from the day they worship or during church sanctioned engagements. I like the fact that their ‘works’ were integrated in their personal lives and they did not feel the need to be at church 24-7. There are Christians so addicted to the building that they forget their Christianity exists outside of those walls and they are meant to share their knowledge with others.

2. Christian hypocrisy is so blaring we sometimes do not recognize it. According to one of the students, the Christian school was so insistent on their students not ‘touching’ alcohol to the point that they have pushed things to the extreme. The new students were taught that if the college authorities find out that they were in the presence of alcohol (not drinking) or if they were found to have used alcohol, then they can be suspended. The funny thing is the school is surrounded by many wineries. You can not ‘spit too far’ without hitting a vineyard. While I understand the school rules regarding no alcohol on campus, they should have taken this opportunity to educate these young adults on abstinence from alcohol AND drinking responsibly (off campus) while using an accountability buddy. The Christian school is setting up a false sense of security that does not exist in the real world unless you belong to the Duggar family.

3.  Hypocrisy continues. I was in the company of a group of people and the topic briefly referred to homosexuals. There was a late 20’s young male who was very quick to make disparaging statements and what he would do to them. Interestingly, this young person was recently baptised but the kicker is he is a recently recovering substance addict, whose family is still addicted, and he has a child with a woman out-of-wedlock. He really missed the plank in his eye and the lesson about love. Teaching Christians the ways of God in practical sense is very important. I think he truly believed that his statements were religiously justified and sadly most believers would support his views without recognizing the hypocrisy.

4. Religion teachings need to reflect the changing times.  The sermon was about showing kindness and the pastor told two stories in which Christians had failed miserably. The first was a young unwed woman who became pregnant and the pastor of her church refused to bless the baby due to the mother’s status and to add insult another ‘good Christian’ referred to her child as a ‘bastard’ in the presence of the baby and a family member. The second story was of another pastor who refused to bless a baby because his/her parents were of the same-sex.

I was so moved and impressed by the pastor when he said that the Christians in those instances had failed in exemplifying God’s teachings of kindness. As a pastor, he would rather have everyone in his church in which he can continue to preach God’s love. He pointed out that if each of our lives were opened to the public, then many ‘good Christians’ would be shamed. We (I include myself) are so quick to throw the good book at people who make mistakes or those who do not fit in a religiously perfect category but instead we need to use God as an example when he called all the sinners to Him and ignored the self-proclaimed religiously pious.

5. Ssshhhh Sex . It seems I am not able to run away from this topic :-) . During the same conversation about the Christian school’s stance on alcohol, I asked what did they say on sex. The new student said they barely even mention anything on sex. Of course, I find this funny and not surprising. I noted that during my enrollment at the school, there were two girls who were obviously pregnant and there were occasional condoms found in parking lots. I would like to clarify that the pregnancies were not virginal insemination and human males were identified as the fathers. I would also like to note that none of these girls were married. Ignorance is Christian bliss.

6. Sex is nasty even to married Christians. I was having a conversation with the married friend which was in reference to visitors to her home being respectful according to her religious beliefs. She was telling a story that she did not allow her daughter, who was engaged at the time, to be under the same roof with her fiance in order to deflect temptation to do “nasty stuff.” I chuckled to myself by her choice of word to describe sex. Even though I found it funny, it did sadden me because she perpetuated the same ‘sex is dirty’ idea that most Christians believe.

I do think that Christianity teachings need to be more applicable to the current stressors that we face. While the abstinence (from evil) message is good, that does not help those who are struggling with being faithful.  I in no way am stating that we need to change the Bible to suit our needs; however, it’s a pastor/teacher’s duty to quit hiding in the dark ages and preach applicable messages.

I had the pleasure of enjoying my time with people I consider to be good solid Christians. While they are not perfect, it is nice to have a living practicing example of what good Christian character should resemble.


Know Thyself and Things that Irritates

I had the pleasure of attending a Christian camp meeting a week ago and it reinforced my ambivalence to ending my sabbatical from church. I felt very reluctant at the mention of the church camp but my niece who is quite active in church or maybe she just enjoys hanging out with her friends wanted to attend this shindig. Due to the fact that she was visiting with me and I was her means of transportation, I obliged. Furthermore, I never deny anyone the ability to attend a worship service. I may be on the road to hell but I will not be a barrier for anyone else.

Anyways, after an hour drive, we arrived at the camp grounds to see various large tents erected to accommodate the masses and different services. My total (and petty) annoyance started when I saw the crowd and the fact that the good church people thought it was their right to leisurely walk in front of my car while I was trying to find parking. Walking around the the grounds filled with faithful (or maybe not) church goers, I quickly realize that this was more of a social event with a best (short) dress category. It was a Christians fest of who knows whom and who looks good. I sent my niece off to socialize while I hid in my car (seat reclined) and enjoyed the amazing singing during intermittent naps.

My mother always says that you should go to church and do not pay attention to others because you are there to worship God. She is absolutely right; however, I am not blind and some things are hard to ignore. I quickly recognized two things about my Christian journey. First, I really hate being amongst large groups of professed Christians (or maybe I just really hate large groups of people) which makes attending church uncomfortable. Secondly, I really do enjoy hearing praise and worship for God but not in a traditional setting. I am sure there is a practical solution that I have not considered, but for right now, my sabbatical continues.


I would describe my physical attributes as average; on bad days they are below average. Average height, average looks and nothing especially aesthetically spectacular. I love being as ‘nude’ as possible. This means that I try to show people the most basic side to myself which includes my appearance. For some unknown reason I grew out of wearing makeup, caring about the most attractive hairstyle and making myself fit into a modern beauty mold. Despite all that, I can am very confident. Recently I cut my hair pixie short again, it’s curly, and my grey hairs are showing even more. I love my look and don’t give a crap how anyone else sees me. However, today was the first time that someone made an unintentionally down grading comment in regards to my appearance. “Why don’t you do something with your hair?” I assumed that this family member was referring to my very obvious greys. “I am going natural.” That ended the conversation.

I am not ashamed of my natural hair color. I am not in a constant pursuit to keep up with the haircolouring Joneses nor what people think I should do to my body to fit into a subjective standard of beauty. I have no intention of plastering on makeup to cover problematic breakouts. I am not getting contacts and I refuse to wear high heels that hurt my feet. For the most part, I like and accept me. In honesty, there are a few things I would love to change  if given a magic wand (gorgeous flawless skin from head to toe) but since that’s not available I make do with what I have been given.

At 38 years old, my confidence in myself as a single childless career-searching Christian conflicted woman continues to increase tremendously. Why? Because I know who I am and I am okay with me 70-80% of the time. I am not perfect and will never look like an airbrushed super model and those are the things I am learning to accept. I try to honest with myself and that is one reason why other people’s opinions do not always make an impact.

The Demise of Merry Christmas

The 25th of December had been traditionally celebrated as Christmas. A symbolic reminder of the birth of Jesus and all things that came with that singular event. Growing up, Christmas meant family, food, Christmas music, and decorating the home. Christmas day was very exciting just because it was Christmas.

I was not raised with being afraid to sing songs with words that have Christ or anything related. O little town of Bethlehem, Silent Night and I Wish You a Merry Christmas were staples on the radio. However, today it has all changed for the worst.

Christmas music is only played on Christian stations; Santa Claus is now the main figure instead of Jesus; the malls are crowded trying to buy frivolous gifts that people will forget or return; and it is PC to say Happy Holidays. While I understand that Christmas day is symbolic and not the actual day of Christ’s birth, it is shameful that Christ is being removed from Christmas.

Before the holidays, my supervisor said something very interesting. She had bought holiday cards that said Merry Christmas and handed them out to the staff. She later realized and was slightly concerned that at least one person professed another religion and she was not sure about a few others. She was concerned that she may have offended at least one for not buying cards that were PC for the season. In my non-PC response to her, I said in a normal (but others can hear) tone that I celebrate Christmas and I refuse to replace Merry Christmas with Happy Holidays.

I really missed Christ out of the holidays. I missed the Jesus birth story on tv and Christmas music playing on the radio. It was sad that Christians cannot fully celebrate Christmas anymore. I respect every other person’s religious rights and celebrations; however, I really don’t believe that we have to eliminate ours in order to accommodate others.

Belated Merry Christmas and have a happy New Year 2014

God the Fairytale

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Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen”. I absolutely love this passage whenever I am having some doubts on the whole Christianity, divine plan and all that stuff. The word there is faith. Christianity is based primarily on faith.

I love to read but shamefully in these last few years my reading materials have been coming from the internet – slightly embarrassed to say I even read the celebrity section. One of the things about the internet is that most stories allow for the comment section which can be hilarious and distressing to see how low we have become as human beings towards each other.

The most polarizing comments are usually about politics and religion. It is surprising to see just how many believe that God is a fairytale. When I was growing up, I assumed everyone believed in God and I never saw evidence to the contrary. However, as an adult, it feels like more and more people are abandoning the concept that a creator exists.

I can understand why people see God as a fairytale. Without fail, from this point on, I am planning to offend a lot of devout Christians. So, let’s pick through the bible, shall we, for the fairytale like stories. Ah yes, Adam and Eve. A man was formed from dust (an inorganic substance) and a magical being breathe into him and he was awake. The same unseen magical being took a rib from him while he was in a comatose sleep and formed a fully grown and functioning woman. These two people became the mother and father of a whole world filled with people who are of different races, different heights, and all manner of variation on the human spectrum.  I am seriously having to stretch my imagination to buy that load.

Moses – oh great Moses. That man had seen so many unreal things in his life it could have been traumatic. First, him as a baby floated down a river (child endangerment), he assisted in parting the red sea, a fire-ball from heaven, the plagues, seeing God (not literally) when he climbed up a mountain to get the 10 Commandments, and the worse insult is that he did not even get to see the promise land of milk and honey. That’s like the good guy gone bad then back to good in a riveting Hollywood story-cue the intense orchestral score and a picture of Charlton Heston. Let’s talk Joshua and the wall of Jericho. There was marching, trumpets, yelling, and everything fell except one abode that had a red signal. Umm… really! So here comes defiant Jonah and the big fish/whale or whatever animal, he gets swallowed, he was able to survive in its belly and God killed two birds with one stone and used it as a means of transportation – I don’t think I can say much more about this story in terms of believability.

Last but not least – it is Christmas time and therefore the birth of Jesus is epic. Jesus was a God who sat on a throne in heaven, came to earth to be born of a virgin, hung on a cross, woke up from the dead in tact (not a zombie) and went to heaven – a place no earthly person has seen. Seriously, what part of that story which does not scream fairytale? It’s the Prince to the Pauper to the Prince again.  All those stories are so believable (almost seem like everyday occurrences) that most Christians have a difficulty understanding why others don’t get it. If Stan Lee had come up with those ideas first for his Marvel comics, then we would all dismiss them as fiction. No one in their right mind believe in Thor, X-Men, Gamma radiation that turns you green or Diana the Amazon princess ie. Wonder Woman (DC comic).

Believing in the Bible and all that comes with it takes faith and lots of it. If anyone says otherwise, then they are fooling themselves. Those Bible stories are very fascinating and reads like fiction. The idea of God is a hard pill to swallow since no one except Jesus has seen the Father. Heavens! Most people in Jesus’ day never saw Jesus. God is an idea that makes the believers feel better. We believe in God because we want an invincible being to help us make misery and uncertainty better and that’s what God promises. No more tears, better place, a palace constructed with precious gems, a Shangri-La that we can never truly imagine. Wait! actually we can imagine it to a point and that’s why we believe in Him and all that fairytale.

Women Need to Be Sexy 24-7

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It is no surprise that when it comes to good looks women are expected to be the front-runners. Many men will make their advances to the women who are considered the prettiest in the crowd. Beauty is obviously a major factor for men whether they are looking for a long-term relationship or a use and let go quickie. There will never be an expression like “I bagged/married the ugly girl.”  Besides a pretty face, there is yet another must-have item for women which is to be sexy.

The number two thing that seems to be a requirement for women today is the ability to transform themselves into a hot sexy lady. Everything these days are geared towards women getting that “body you have always wanted” in order to wear the tight short dress or the two ‘skimpy’ piece bathing suit for summer. In my own pursuit of keeping in shape, I could not help but notice that all the exercise programs are heavily marketed to women. What? Are men not pressured to get their bodies right and tight as well?

I was recently on vacation and spent quite a bit of time by the beach. I could not help but notice a few things. There were very few ‘out of shape’ women lounging around. 99.9% of the women were in tiny bikinis even the ones who should not be wearing that outfit in public. I was the most overdressed female on that beach… okay maybe 1 of 3.  When I say over-dressed, I mean a tankini with really short boyshorts. There were more men on that beach who needed to wear something more than a speedo but they didn’t seem to mind. When the sun went down, there was yet another trend. The women were sexied up to the max – I mean tight and short clothing, hair and make up, sky-high heals walking beside men who looked as dressed up as a guy in jeans and sandals. Again, I felt very overdressed and undersexy.

I was doing my usual blog rounds when one of the writers had a topic on women getting into shape. I am all for women losing weight or sculpting etc. However, I was slightly perturbed about the blog writer’s emphasis  on the importance  for the single women to look good in order to grab the attention of a potential husband but no mention of choosing a man who focused on a healthy weight and lifestyle for himself.  The response I received to my pet peeve was that women will overlook a man who is out of shape if he can be a good provider.  So the message was, women should always strive to look sexy and therefore pretty but should not require that of their partners. Well, out goes physical sexual attraction 101. Side note: Yes women are allowed to find men sexy too – deal with it!

We have all seen the beer belly dude who looks 6-9 months pregnant with a hottie beside him – she could be young or older. 45+ year old women of yesteryear has nothing on these women of today. Today’s women are competing with the 20 odd year olds to remain pretty and young and even more so sexy as hell. If the 20-year-old is wearing a mini, then the older woman will be wearing a micro micro mini. So, is that it-because we are no longer youthful ie. 20’s, then we have to find a way to still show the over 30’s males that we are viable by becoming Madonna-esq?

Unfortunately, this is not immune in the church either. God’s people are affected by the trends in the world. Being sexy in church – short, tight, full glamour with sky high heels are incorporated in the acceptable dress code for worship. While the Bible calls for God’s people to be separate from the world, this is not always possible. A frumpy and well covered Christian woman will get the least amount of attention when she is vying for a mate from the ridiculously small populace of men in the church.

I have seen the sexy woman-physically unattractive/ordinary looking man couple time and time again and it does strike a nerve with me. Why? because I find it ludicrous that the same rules of looking good is only pushed on women and men get a ‘pass.’  I have accepted that I will always be the overdressed and least sexy of women which inadvertently puts me in the ugly sister category. No, I don’t dress like a matron from the dark ages but I do not believe in going out in public with half my body out on display.  It can get a bit drafty! I do work out and yes I can fit into a bikini or a tight short dress but those styles are not for me.

I am also one of the few who require the same amount of sexiness from men as they do from me. As shallow as that may sound, I too need to be able to look at a guy and find him ‘pleasing to the eye.’ I do not care what kind of provider or nice guy he may be; he needs to also be compatible with the fitness and healthy lifestyle goals that are a part of my daily routine. While I am relying on an antiquated version of sexy – smarts, sense of humour, nice personality, can hold a conversation about a large variety of subjects, dresses ‘conservatively,’ and quite independent, I am aware that it does not match the modern version of sexy-half naked and leave little or nothing to the imagination.

I understand that women want to get a man and others want to hold on to the ones they have but I unfortunately can not join in the half-naked game. My sexiness is not about how much I can let hang out or great hair or superb make up but the old fashion type of sexiness-personality. Who knows? Once a man gets pass that personality, there may be a whole lot more to a woman in private than what she is willing to showcase in public.



Christian Envy or Admiration

I usually experience one of two emotions when I visit other Christian blogs or hear real Christians talk about their true close connection with God. I either experience Christian envy or Christian admiration.

My mood and recent experiences have a lot to do with whether I feel envy or admiration. First, let me address the Christian envy. I know the bible shuns such an emotion but unfortunately it’s a hard wired part of my human experience.  As horribly human as I am, I go through those moments when God is ‘not all that.’ I go through ‘where is God?’ and ‘why is He being more like an absentee father than a present and involved parent?’  I even have the ‘How come he is paying more attention to___ than to me’ moments. Yes, I have issues with God abandonment feelings. Yes, I do have a present earthly father so it’s not daddy issues.

The Christian envy is about wanting that close connection with God that so many people describe. I ask myself so often, how did they come by such a connection and where can I get it. I understand that a good relationship with God is not something one can pick up in the Christian bookstore or buy at a church revival meeting. For some odd reason for which I cannot explain, God and I have a patchy connection more often than I really should admit. So, in comes the green-eye monster envy. “I want what she is having” and I am not referring to the fake orgasm scene in When Sally Met Harry.  I want her “I feel God in my heart” moment or the “I know I can trust Got to have my back even when things are bad” moment. I want the close relationship and trust that she is having. I want to be her.

On the other hand, Christian admiration comes when I am in a fairly normal mood and I read a wonderful inspirational love-God writing and think ‘this person has such a close relationship with God how wonderful.’ For me, writing is one part imagination, one part experience, one part emotional, and the last part cognitive; therefore, my posts are a composition and reflection of  all three.  I would imagine that such inspirational writings come from a place that has great love and reverence for God. I believe those writers use all aspect- one has never seen God but we can certainly imagine his glory; the love for God comes from what we read and our mental image of Him; the cognitive is believing in something/someone with very little concrete/scientific evidence. It is all a winning combination. One cannot help but admire the Christians who feel so deeply and express themselves in such a way that you are moved, inspired and in awe.

It is no secret that my relationship with God is a bit strained… okay very strained from my side. It is not a secret that there is a spiritual battle raging. However, despite all that, I can appreciate people whose writings share their strong bond, believe, love and faith in God. I am a bit jealous. While I realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side and no human being is free from conflict and problems, it is nice to step away from my questioning and realism to see someone embrace something beyond what I can see everyday. I have not made the time to blog hop but I went to visit A journey of faith a while ago and could not help but experience the Christian admiration.

I certainly encourage Christians to question and not hide behind a facade that life is always easy and bright because they are Christians. However, it is also important to fill up on some inspiration in order to have a good balance. Christianity is not the easiest thing to navigate for me. I am taking the liberty to say that there are many who are finding the ‘narrow road ‘quite rocky and almost darn near impossible. It might seem childish and dangerous to compare one’s spiritual walk to someone else’s but the truth seems to be that we all want that individual and special intimate relationship that the bible mentioned. We want to be God’s favourite despite knowing that we have to share Him with other believers. I doubt I will ever become a Christian inspirational writer – I am way too realistic.  My comfort zone is airing the dirty laundry that so many Christians avoid or whisper too quietly for anyone else to hear.  However, like each person’s Christian journey, even a sarcastic, doubting sinner like myself, needs a different and softer perspective of all things God.

The Prayer of Comfort

In the recent week, there had been two mass casualty events –  the Boston bombing and the fertilizer plant explosion in Texas. Most Christians will point to these things as the ‘sign of the times’ or ‘Jesus is near.’ Other radicals will point to this as America’s punishment for sins. People will use tragedy to further their cause – pro/against guns, closing the borders, hate another religion, blame the government etc. However, the average Christian, who have picked up a bible at some point in their lives will understand the power of prayer.

Despite my sabbatical from direct religious involvement, I do understand the power of prayer. Prayer not for the lost or that the world will become suddenly peaceful but prayer for strength to continue despite all the madness. I realize that whether someone blames God or praises God the truth is we have no power to change or stop things from happening. The only power we possess is the ability to gather our strength and whatever faith you have and move forward.

It’s interesting that people in other countries live with similar tragedies on a regular basis-which is sad when you think of it. For us, who have a somewhat peaceful enough existence, such craziness is very hard to fathom. In moments like these, it is easy to lose oneself in despair but for the Christians who believe in something more, then there is at least a slight glimmer of hope for some inner peace because of our beliefs.

No matter what the level of one’s faith or church attendance, prayer is a free and open line to God. It is usually the easiest tool to use in a Christian’s arsenal to bolster us when the world becomes more crazy than usual. We have the ability to pray for the families affected by both tragedies and the tool to pray that a whole city come together to help each other. Despite the US fight against public declaration of Christianity, one of the first things that people tend to do is pray and call on the local religious leader for spiritual strength. I guess it would be fair to say that the US has become closet Christians who are only allowed out in public after tragedies. Whatever the status, it is good to see that active or dormant Christians have not forgotten the power of prayer.