Misconceptions of Sex?


Of everything in the Bible and the modern world, sex has stood the test of time to be the most vilified and misinterpreted act. Yet, it is still an intriguing activity in which  probably 99.9% humans and 100% lower animals engage. Frankly, we could have a conversation about poop more easily than sex. Why is that?

For the religious folks, obviously when God created Adam and Eve, He used the act of sex to be the vector in which to populate the earth.  I can speculate that he surely was not thinking ‘listen heavenly host, I am going to introduce some vile and disgusting method to usher in generations upon generations.’ I mean if you thought about it, God could have come up with another non-penetrating way in order to procreate. Instead, He thought it was a brilliant idea for two people to get the closest you could possible be to another human being AND he added some easily excitable nerve endings to both genitalia in order to have…. wait for it…. pleasure.

I am not sure which part makes people uncomfortable. Is it the intimacy or the pleasure? My conversational library is filled with everything known to man – nothing is too (fill in the blanks) to talk about with adults. However, most adults who are sexually active or will be sexually active find it hard to talk about sex. Ironically, sex permeates our lives and can become an issue if left desolate in relationships.  Yes, a single gal will be talking frankly about sex – deal with it or stop reading. So in the words of Salt-N-Pepper Let’s Talk About Sex.

1. Sex is NOT dirty or shameful. Yes it’s a fluid, sticky, sweaty situation – showers were invented to clean up and washing machines for your sheets. I can’t possibly say anything more about this. It’s either you believe it or not.

2. Everyone is not a  virgin. Have you ever met a married woman or a mother who becomes most shocked when sex becomes a topic? I almost want to slap them (not advocating violence) because if you are in either of those categories, then the whole world KNOWS you had at least 1 encounter with the penis kind. Men don’t have this problem and will never be in such denial.

3. Sex is Pleasure and Pleasure is Good. I acknowledge that due to various circumstances some women and men have difficulty experiencing sex as pleasure. On the other hand, for a large group of people, they chose sex to be a duty. Good sex provides great benefits for the individual and the couple. It was meant to be enjoyed by BOTH. Besides pleasure, it’s also meant to be a fun activity. When you see and experience sex as a good thing, then it becomes incorporated in your relationship as something to look forward to with each other. Anyone who has experienced an orgasm will attest to the pleasure. If you are having difficulty finding sex as pleasurable then move to suggestion #4.

4. Spice and Imagination are Highly Encouraged. Think of sex this way – most people like certain foods, for me it’s chicken; however, if I had baked chicken cooked the same way every time, I would get sick of it. Sex can and does get boring when you keep it in the same place and same position every time. SNORE! Seriously, there are numerous ways to have an orgasm. This hinderance to use one’s creativity in the bedroom comes from the shame and embarrassment of sex. I am not talking about 50 Shades of Grey BDSM but making simple changes to sexual positions, spice up the foreplay, use a different location in the bedroom or house. Take a sex-vacation to put some fire back into the bedroom.

Women Get Your Sexy On. It’s a repeatedly proven fact that it does not take much to get men excited. Do I have to repeat that ladies? Better yet, you repeat that to yourself. Forget about the perfect body BS. If your man is sexually attracted to you (80% of the battle is won), then your body is the sexiest thing on earth which will drive him wild.  So, muster up your sexual confidence and start adding something new such as: Initiating sex, engage in intimate massage, play dress up with the items in your home (who knew a colander could be sexy), use some sexy play on words (all pun intended), take a pole dancing or chair dancing class and show case your skills, leave him a note about your fantasy, smack his tush as he walks by or better yet smack yours  with a little wiggle and see where that gets you… etc. Get the idea!!! KISS-Keep It Simple Stupid.

Men, you are not off the hook. It takes a lot more than flashing your penis to get a woman excited. Women want to feel loved, sexy and appreciated. Lead with that and encourage her to get out of her sex shell. Foreplay! Foreplay! Foreplay! Your hands and lips are magic so learn to use them wisely. If you like to shake your booty, then watch a little Magic Mike. It will be good fun. You are also responsible for finding and creating ways to get her excited. Clean yourself up! Make your woman want you like you are the sexiest man on earth. If it had not occurred to you, women can be very visual, so give them something mouth-watering in which to look forward. No woman gets stimulated by a dirty slob. Keep in mind there is a difference between having dutiful sex and pleasurable sex. If you care about your partner, then the latter is your goal.

5. Know your body. Men understand this more readily than women. Their penises are literally handled multiple times a day and they are easily accessible. For heavens sake, they have nocturnal emissions and involuntary erections to deal with from  puberty. So, it’s no wonder they have a better grasp  on their male parts than women. Women on the other hand have SHAME. Most women do not know what turns them because we are discouraged from finding out – it’s just not proper, not christian, not ladylike. Bla bla bla.

How can you direct someone to provide you pleasure when you know nothing about your likes or dislikes. In therapy, they give people take home practical exercises to help them understand themselves better. There should be a standard sexercise for all women – single or married. Take the time to get to know your body intimately whether by yourself or with your partner. Talk about learning to communicate in a relationship! If you can get through a sexploration exercise with your partner, then there is not a thing you can not talk about in your relationship.

6. What’s on the menu.  When I go to Famous Dave’s BBQ, I know the menu and my go to order but every now and then I try something new. If I were a sex therapist, I would introduce this idea to patients – create a sex menu. Starters would be your warm up activities/foreplay, main menu items – some traditional and other ‘exotic’ positions, and finish it off with dessert of your choice. Use your Spice and Imagination to create your menu: What (sex activities are you in the mood for), where (location! location! location!), Time (a quickie, an intermediate or a marathon), when (wake up call, afternoon delight, late night snack) who (what’s your role).

7. Trade ideas. This is the tricky part. To complete this task you must have good trusted open friends (preferable) or internet search button (set on safe search) or local book store AND you have to overcome your shame and embarrassment and be willing to have a serious conversation. Talk with your friends about what interesting or new things they are doing to spice up their sex lives. You could learn something or share something useful. If your friends are lame ducks in that department, there are a number of wholesome technique/instructional related articles on the internet or YouTube to help give you ideas. Note: I did not say pornography.  Treat sex like any other aspect of your life. There is always room to learn and improve. Whatever new information you acquire, you get to share it – with your partner.

8. Using sex as leverage is an absolute NO. This is a prevailing bad practice which women tend to share with each other. Even the bible says that if you abstain in a relationship, then it should be agreed between both partners. It definitely baffles me that women tend to share destructive things they do in their marriages but are not willing to talk about the things that uplifts just as easily. Sex is not a bargaining tool for either partner. It was meant to build intimacy and engage in pleasure. Once it has become a leverage tool, then sex has start to lose its purpose and this does signal minor issue in the relationship. Plus, it’s very childish which can be  demeaning to the other person.

9. Make time for sex.  You make time for everything else under the sun (include watching tv shows) but sex gets tossed in the dirty pile and is constantly left there. Sex is Pleasure. How often do you give up a pleasurable food item because “I am too tired; I don’t have time.” If you are constantly busy and tired 24hrs/7 days per week then there are other issues to address. Life requires prioritizing and so does sex with your partner. One partner should not have to beg or make snide comments about lack of sex. If you both were communicating and making time for each other, then this should not be an issue. Oh and quit with the BS about not having time due to kids.

10. The Bedroom is the Couple’s Sanctuary. It has become a disturbing trend in which the marriage bed is crowded with kids and animals. The quickest way to push a marriage apart and kill intimacy is having anything in the middle of the couple (physically, emotionally and psychologically). Unless you live in a tiny one room abode, then the animals and kids should have permanent residence somewhere else in the house at bedtime. A strong relationship with your partner comes from the connection you share. The more things you put in between the couple for an extended time the more problematic it becomes to maintain that strong connection. Spontaneous sex will be dampened/discouraged when you are too concerned about waking dog, cat and children. Oh and teach your kids to knock before entering your bedroom.

11. Communication and Sex. The old phrase about let your body do the talking is… well old. I hate to break it to you but one sex act does not fit all. For e.g. not all men find max pleasure from getting oral sex or not all women like ‘doggy style.’ Each person has different turn ons and turn offs; therefore, the only way to know (not faking) is through communication with each other. A couple who cannot talk frankly about sex is not mature to have sex. This would be the reason why many (mostly) women go through their sexual lives and never experience sexual pleasure because of silence. For e.g. A husband stops having sex with his wife, not because he doesn’t love her, but because she has hygiene issues. A wife says she is tired all the time, not because she is overworked, but because the sex position her husband is fond of does not stimulate her at all.

Communication is the key in every aspect of a relationship and it is no different with sex. The couples with the most pleasurable sex life knows how to communicate their wants in the bedroom. It’s such a simple concept but a difficult feat for so many. For majority of the couples having issues, the underlying problem is a lack of communication-lack of listening and the lack of expressing one’s self. Most relationships can avoid disaster by practicing this one simple tool – learning to listen and to speak. Here are ways to open the conversation: I like it when you (do an act in a certain spot), I am more turned on when you (do this) than when you (do that). If odour is a problem, then make a rule that before sex you both take a shower. To change-up a routine, suggest you love the regular activities but you would like to change it up a little and add something new. Exchange notes with fantasy wishes and talk about how to accommodate each other. KISS.

12. Sexual Confidence. Yes that is a thing. We were not born with the all-knowing how-to-guide on sex. It comes with time and knowing yourself and your partner. Both men and women can become intimidated by performance which can lead to anxiety and poor sexual enjoyment. If this is an issue, talk about sex with your partner – talk before, talk during and talk after. Women are more plagued with this issue because we are not taught to be sexually confident with ourselves and therefore not able to do so with our partners. We were taught to expect the men to do everything. However, a number of men like it when women initiate sexual innuendos, make initial contact or even take charge. It can make men feel desired.

13. Sexual compatibility. In life we tend to do well with things in which we are compatible. Friends, family members, jobs, spouses and sex. Each person has varying degree of libido and interest. I saw a Oprah special about “Where are they now?” in which years ago the woman complained that her hubby was not interested in sex and he agreed. Well, the recent follow-up indicated nothing had changed. She became complacent and accepting  of a sexless marriage due to his lack of desire. I do not advocate ‘test driving’ for those who choose abstinence, however I do strongly advocate for communication about your expectations. You do not have to engage in sex to know your sex drive. Unmatched sexual compatibility will result in someone being very dissatisfied in the relationship.

14. Sex Mistakes. Like everything in life sexual screwups happen. A position did not work too well, someone jumped the gun and orgasm early, unforeseen interruptions etc. The good thing about mistakes is to learn from them and do things differently. There is NO place for shaming or belittle when it comes to sex. This is actually a good time to experiment with different things in order to see what makes the menu and what gets thrown out.

15. It’s Ok to Love Sex. If someone admits to loving steak, jet skiing, baseball or a ferret, no one blinks an eye. If that same person admits to love having sex, then it is deviant or frown on. Why? I go back to the shame and embarrassment issue surrounding sex. The fact that most people have engaged in some form of sexual activity should be an indicator of its popularity. However, this normal activity has yet to be normalized in our sexually active world. This is obvious when a recent celebrity couple who choose to engage in abstinence  until marriage then disclosed that they had an enjoyable multiple occurence sex-filled honeymoon. The comment section was filled with “TMI” type responses. In my mind, TMI would be going into specific details but not when a married couple express that they had a multi-pleaurable end to a celebration filled day. The fear and myth of sex is so great it’s hard to distinguish normal from deviant. If you love having sex with your partner, then that is a great thing because there are too many sexless or bad sex relationships that have taken the place as the norm.

Now go out and enjoy pleasure filled sex. Feel free to fill in the blanks and share your knowledge to debunk the misconception of sex. Don’t keep the good stuff to yourself.

 

Our Choices are Important


Life is like a box of chocolates most times you DO know what you are going to get. I have always believed that people make relationship choices based on the reality they have distorted in order to satisfied their own wants and desires. I understand the pressures of wanting to have a companion for life and the preverbal family ideals which consist of a loving spouse, kids, maybe an animal, house and a comfortable and happily-ever-after life.

For this terminally single gal, I have never had that image for myself; however, I sometimes run into a bombardment of relationship stuff. The funny thing is the outer shell for most relationships is in stark contrast to the reality. Maybe it has something to do with my field of work that sheds a harsh bright and less rosy light on the inner thinking and working of the happily-ever-after. Someone asked me if my experiences in behavioral health have affected my desire or approach to relationships. He did not finish the sentence before I said resoundingly “yes, absolutely.” I have loss the virgin eyes of this world and it is hard to go back to seeing things as ‘perfect’ when my 8hr days are filled with imperfection masked in ‘perfection.’

I am damaged goods. My perception of others, depending on the situation, is covered in distrust and suspicion. Each person has to prove his worthiness before being allowed into my inner sanctum. It is my choice to protect me until the intruder is identified as friendly. For most people, it’s the opposite – safe until proven dangerous. I haven’t afforded myself such a luxury because it’s against my world crafted nature. I am cynical when it comes to the idea of ‘”the one.” I think I have always been cynical since I was young. Despite growing up with married people around me, I had great anxiety about marriage and long term relationships. I believe that anxiety came from recognizing the role of self and the level of giving that is required in order to foster a healthy long lasting relationship. I can be absolutely selfish about my life which is not conducive to male-female long term bonding.

There is hope for me yet :-).  In the last 5 years, I have soften my hardline approach to relationships.  As I age, I become more and more confident with myself, understand the power of making choices and taking full acceptance of the outcome of those choices. I  recognize that I have the power to change things that are not conducive to my physical, psychological,  and emotional wellbeing (I am still working on the spiritual). I fully recognize the importance of taking care of me above everyone and everything else. With this change, the idea of choosing a mate has been bumped up 1-2 points from the bottom of my list.

Temptation is real. We all have different temptations when it comes to relationships. The temptation to hurry into a relationship; the temptation to stay in a bad relationship, the temptation to engage in a forbidden relationship, the temptation to compromise values, integrity and self-esteem/image, the temptation to delude ourselves etc. No matter the temptation we have the power of choice. You can quote the scripture that God will not give you more than you can bear but I disagree. We have broken people-emotionally and psychologically because we are given more than we can manage at times.  The choice is to accept defeat, ask and accept help, learn and grow from our brokenness.

I never point to a couple and use them as my ‘relationship goal’ actually I never use anyone as a goal for myself. I know better and in my world, what I see and hear are more brokenness than contentment. I also know me very well and I am aware that what works for others does not always suit my fancy. Every choice I make has some varying degree of importance for me. It shapes me. Every choice I make about the people in my life has a huge impact. People – how they treat you and how you treat them – play a vital role. It is imperative that they are worthy of me and I of them. Sometimes someone may be good for us but we are bad for them which inevitability make for a disastrous union. When you know who are, then you know who/what you want in your life. You easily recognize the unhealthy and you put the trash to the curb.

Choices

 

 

What is the Purpose of Marriage?


Let me start off by saying Happy New Year to you all and many blessings for 2016. As always, I did not make resolutions but continue to live life as thrown my way and make adjustments accordingly.  I was motivated to attend a church service in the new year and will try to make more attempts to get back into church life – we will see how it goes.

So, I am privy to the workings of strangers’ private lives. As they seek behavioral health services, it is my job to ask various personal questions. While this is not new, in the last few months, I am more aware of how many couples underutilize the main reason for getting into a long term relationship-companionship.

Marriage is now easily disposable. People get married for various reasons but the underlying need is a desire to have a suitable companion. The problem I have been noticing for various couples, who are having minor to major marital difficulties, is they have either forgotten or did not establish solid reasons for getting married in the first place.

Here are some things I understand are the basic purposes for marriage: Companionship-to share your life with someone. Support-having someone there when needed and vice versa. Communication: Verbally sharing various aspects of one’s thoughts and experiences. Pleasure: Sex, intimacy and fun. Monogamy: The only. Cooperation: Working together to make each other’s lives easier and better. Understanding: You may differ on issues but are still able to show empathy. Trust: Closing ones eyes and fall backwards knowing your partner is there to catch you. Responsibility: 100/100. Communication: Learning and knowing how to talk to each other. Adapting and Growing: Learning to navigate the changes in life together. Commitment: It’s you and me baby.

As a lifelong bachelorette who is nearing 40, I am getting hit from all sides from married couples about my single status. However, as I look at their relationship lives, I amass even more reservations on joining their ranks. As a single, I make an effort to enjoy my life and as I look at theirs here are the recurring themes I see: Boring: They rarely make time to do fun things together.  Sex and intimacy have started to dwindle significantly. Lack of cooperation between each other creates frustration, pent up anger and isolation. Inability to communicate their stressors or needs with each other. One spouse takes on more responsibilities than the other which creates stress and resentment. Flirtatious behaviors with someone not their spouse. Inability to listen and understand the other person’s needs. Third Party Interference: Everything is more important than your spouse-kids, the game, the other’s selfishness. Complaining about everything. Physical Neglect: Spouses stop taking the time to look good for each other. Loss of affection because of ongoing separation. Blaming: Its the other person’s fault. Infidelity: The misconception that starting with someone new will solve your problems.

Marriage gives couples a built in purpose to enjoy life and share that with someone who is sleeping right beside you. However, most couples have loss the insight about their purpose of marriage and ignore their ill-behaviors towards each other. I have sat through conversations in which a spouse will use sex as a weapon, one partner spends money recklessly, child care is only expected of one partner while the other occasionally ‘babysits, couples’ idea of spending time together is completing chores around the house every weekend. Date night is something they have on Valentine’s and Birthdays. Feeling sexy and being sexy is only for single people in new relationships. Communication is “I just can’t talk to him/her.”

Most singles are looking for a date to try out a new restaurant but many married couples, who have a built in date partner, have not gone out together unless it’s to Chucky Cheese or stay at home to enjoy take-out. Singles are sexually frustrated from an absence of a partner while married people have someone sleeping beside them every night and most can’t readily think of the last time they had sex much less enjoyable sex (you know…the one that does not feel like an obligation). A romantic night for a single involves fun; a romantic night for a couple involves the television. A single will feel lonely but s/he is a single, however, a spouse can feel isolated and lonely while staring across a table at their partner.

I am not naïve to expect married life to be daily fun and excitement. However, the repeated dullness and the habit of taking each other for granted tend to build over time until the marriage is “like living with a room mate” or “we are only together for the kids.” You would be surprise how many times I have heard similar statements. Relationships die over time from neglect. As I listen to the patients and to some of my friends, I start to see the early warning signs of the reasons why relationships fall apart.

As a single, I have started to ‘keep out of their business’ because I recognize that most couples do not appreciate the observations from those who are not married. What they fail to realize is that being married does not put you in a special behavioral category that only certain married people can understand. Behaviors are behaviors and it does not take a genius to see certain red flags.

I will always be baffled as to why people are so eager to be married but once they are in that situation they easily lose sight of the reason why they wanted to be married. The laziness, complacency, taking their partners for granted and neglect in putting effort into the relationship usually ends in disaster. It’s like having a million dollars in the bank but if you never use that money to buy groceries, then you will always be starving.

If anyone has ever done relationship counseling, then you will know that one question from the therapist will always be “What made you fall in love/want to be with that person?” The reason for such a question is to remind the couple about the purpose of their relationship, then to re-establish those feelings and ideas, and help them to proceed forward with those foundations at the forefront of the marriage.

Grey – The Irrational Fear of Looking Older Than 25


Natural Grey Hair – The beauty critics semi-obsession in which to yet again criticize women and diminish their self-image/esteem. Grey Hair… oh the horror!!!!

It is very obvious that women are held to very different standards than men. Every day it is a new body image issue in which to become obsessed. In the past and present, women have been negatively criticized for an array of things to include wearing pants suits because it’s unfeminine, working women do not make good mothers and devoted wives, too fat, too skinny, we need larger breasts, buns, lips and top them off with a thigh gap (this one still baffles me). Short hair is too butch; on the other hand, long hair on older women is a no-no, curly hair is too wild, being assertive means they are bitches and not being married with children means they are selfish. Surely, there is nothing left to pick at right?

Wrong, now women are told to be ashamed of the natural change in the pigment of their hair. Debunk primary myth: Going grey does not mean getting old because there are many people who are prematurely grey in their young lives. However, due to the stigma of grey hair being equated to “granny,” many women have resorted to spending quite a bit of money and time to choose any hair colour except grey. It’s almost like an irrational fear of women aging past 25.

My grey journey started from birth. I was born with a grey strand in the middle of my head. As I was growing up, people who noticed it either wanted to pluck it out because it signified that I would grey early or they thought it brought luck. Well, the first view was right. I did grey early – started during my mid 20’s when more random strands started popping up. At the age of 39, I have noticeable salt and pepper hair with a cluster of grey hair concentration in the front. I can proudly say that I have joined the Women’s Sexy Silver Fox Club (WSSFC). 🙂

While scouring the internet, I noticed that other women have been given negative unsolicited comments about their decision to sport their natural silver; however, I have yet to encounter such impudence. A lesson I learnt long ago was, as a woman, I have to find my strength, develop a strong self-esteem and positive self-image from within instead of depending on validation from others. While I have no issues with women who choose to colour their greys, I do find it sad when some women put themselves through the frequent hide-the-grey torture because they are afraid of what others may think of their natural hair colour. They are afraid that people will think they are “old” and have “let themselves go.” Pure nonsense!

Fear and propaganda are good tools to keep people in line. For me, at 39, I am not old but definitely older and I am in much better physical shape than a number of the people who want to criticize. God gave me one body and I intent to care for it, without fear and loathing, the best way possible with greys and all. The grey hair shaming is nothing more than people who want to instill their own ideas of a woman’s beauty. Sadly, other women lead the way in the shame/fear attacks. If it were up to the objectors, most women would be 25 y/o Stepford wives.

Note: A 75 y/o with jet black hair is as ridiculous a reality as the Kardashian sisters’ derrières are naturally the size of the Goodyear Blimp – you are not fooling anyone but yourself. You are not 25! (for the last 20 years).

The issue with grey hair (and all body criticism) is so much more than the way a woman looks but it hits at the heart of a woman’s identify and self-esteem. Here is the bottom line, if you want to control others, then implant a negative message which will weaken their self-esteem and cause damage to their confidence. Wala!! You will have people susceptible to any and everything. Despite the attempted brainwashing that we grey-haired beauties are unkept hags because of hair pigment, many women of varying ages and races are embracing and joining the WSSFC. They are fighting back with the awareness that being a woman is so much more than appearance. They are bringing the sexy back to silver hair, strengthening their identity, improving self-image and redefining beauty on their terms.

Cheers to the Women’s Sexy Silver Fox Club

Abstinence In A Sexualized World


Surfed the internet lately? If yes, then you may have seen a few headlines relating to sex in the Christian community. First, there was the Duggar’s older son inappropriate sexual touching before he was married, Billy Graham’s grandson’s infidelity in a crumbling marriage, and Bristol Palin announcing her 2nd out-of-wedlock pregnancy despite being a public advocate for abstinence. In the old days, all these visible Christians would have been publicly shamed for the rest of their lives.

The reality is we are all sinners, prone to temptation, and each and every one of us have committed sins and will commit sins in our lives. Welcome to the reason why the Bible talks about redemption. Despite knowing that, I do get a sick pleasure when limelight Christians screw up. Why is that? Because it shows that no one is immune and we need to be careful of our actions when we decide to put ourselves in the forefront as perfect Christian leaders.

Let’s chat about abstinence . First, let me say that I do not believe in abstinence only education. Our society is not set up to re-enforce that concept. Second, abstinence does not address some important biological and situational nuances that typically lead to breaking that vow. Third, abstinence is a difficult practice to maintain especially the more sexually charged you are and the length of your intimate relationship.

I believe there are two kinds of abstinence: one is the letter of the law abstinence and the other is the spirit of the law abstinence. When people talk about abstinence they are referring to no sexual penetration using the male and female sex organs. Therefore, if two people in a relationship never have coitus, then they have fulfilled the letter of the abstinence law. This letter of the abstinence law is very important for virgins and those who want to remain “pure” until marriage. However, the spirit of the abstinence law is very different. This is in reference to ALL sexualized behaviors ie. mutual masturbation, over and under the clothes touching of breast and genitals, anal sex, oral sex, foreplay and everything that stops short of penetration. If Christians should be judge by the spirit of the abstinence law, then a great number would be found guilty.

I applaud the concept of no sex before marriage. It’s a great idea for a number of reasons; however, by the time most couples get to their wedding night they have already engaged in various sexualized behaviors “to take the edge off,” and the only thing left is the grand finale. True abstinence is not an easy feat. Christian couples engage in the same dating style such as spending quality and alone time with their partners. Like all relationships, the two people are instinctively and biologically sexually drawn to each other, and each intimate alone time breaks down the abstinence defenses.

When was the last time you went on a date with a chaperone? Do you always kiss your partner on the cheek with a side hug? When the phone conversation turns intimate do you stop and say “God would not approve because we are not married?” or have you instituted a rule that you don’t talk in the bedroom and not past a certain hour? When was the last time that the most intimate thing you did with your partner was holding hands for longer than 5 minutes?

If true abstinence is to be practiced, then the Christian couple has to become puritanical in every sense of the word. If you cannot do that, then it’s time to have the talk (You should have had this talk already if you decided to be in a long-term relationship). The talk should involve what to do if you can’t wait or the it-just-happened moment. It’s time to have the real sex talk and not the ignorant watered down ‘Christian’ version. The version in which birth control and pregnancy are a reality. The version in which when things go too far how do you work through it instead of being riddled with guilt, shame and sometimes blaming.

It’s obvious that Ms Palin, the abstinence advocate, found her own message difficult to uphold – twice. If it was not for the pregnancies, which is how most Christian couples are outed, she would have been able to hide the hypocrisy. I could take cheap shots at her; however, her failures show the holes in the modern-day abstinence message. I do believe that most Christians are very sincere when they take on the abstinence challenge. However, they fail to see and prepare for the inevitable obstacle which is to underestimate how strong one’s normal sexual desires can be in the presence of romantic partner.

For those who intend on practicing the abstinence spirit of the law, I wish you God speed because you will need it. I also wish that you put in place preventive methods instead of reactive measures. Abstinence in a relationship is a good thing; however, ignoring one’s natural sexual urges will make it a feat to truly accomplish in avoiding ALL forms of sexual activities before marriage.

Fifty Shades of Sexually Frustrated Women


Teddy reading 50 Shades
Teddy reading 50 Shades

I will admit to reading all three Fifty Shades books. In my defense, let me explain how that came about. A few years ago, I had heard of the first book but had not payed much attention because I stopped reading romance novels since my late teens. My sister-in-law and I were talking during a shopping trip and she was singing its praises. So, while in the mall, I passed a book store and decided to investigate.

Despite the bad writing, the first few pages whet my appetite because I had never read or thought much about bondage, dominance and sadomasochistic sex. However, by the end of the first book, I skipped a few repetitive pages, was annoyed by the writing, irritated with the childish nature of the female lead, and I became more intrigued about the psychological state of Mr Grey. This curiosity about the genesis of his obsessive compulsive personality disorder ie. super ridged controlling behaviors motivated me to waste money on the next two. After more page skipping and quick browsing, I got what I wanted.

Years later, the books are a movie and the female readers are either excited to see their mental fantasy come to life or disappointed because the chosen cast does not match their fantasy. Most people and the critics make fun that the readership is bored housewives and lonely single women. I would even further clarify that the readership encompasses both single and married non-Christian AND Christian women who could use a little sexual rejuvenation in their nether region.

People do not typically crave what they already have unless they are greedy. Sex and greedy are never synonymous. I also speculate that most of the women who read the trilogy would not entertain BDSM in their normal sex lives. However, it seems that this clamoring for a poorly written fantasy debunks a myth that most women have limited interests in sex and it awaken a dormant desire for women to have good passionate and orgasmically satisfying sex incorporated in their lives.

Sexually explicit books have been around. Years ago during my frequent visits to Barnes and Noble, there were novels in the Psych/Sexuality section for all to browse. This trilogy seem to hit a nerve and women are passively saying we could use a little more action in and out of the bedroom. I wonder if the married women who read the books ever find the courage to open a conversation with their spouses about their sexual wants in the relationship.

For years, women have been solely blamed for the demise of sex in a relationship due to lack of interest but we are learning that there is more to the story than meets the eye.  Take for instance, research is showing that more women are adding porn to their fantasy library. Biologically, it does not take much to get a man up, ready and done; however, women’s sexual engines do need a little more warming up and attention. Men are slowly starting to learn (women should be telling them) that a women’s sexual epicenter does not always reside in the feminine hole.

When people make fun of sexually frustrated women who read fantasy yet has a partner residing in the household, their jest is slightly misplaced. Fantasy from a novel or porn does not satisfy any frustrated woman but it becomes a distraction from the reality of their sexually starving situation. On the other hand, if men can take ownership of their shortcomings in the sex department, then that can go a long way in a relationship. I do agree that a woman who fakes an orgasm misleads the hubby into thinking he had done a good job for both of them. His ignorance will continue to lead to poor satisfaction for her, a deeper indulgence in unrealistic fantasies, and a long stretch of sexual frustration on her part.

The Pedestal Christian


I recently traveled to visit a friend and her husband. The couple is in their 60’s, very active, and is a devoted Christian. They reside in a primarily Christian community with a Christian college in the vicinity. During this trip, I learnt a few things in relation to practicing Christianity.

I broke my sabbatical and did attend church partly as a courtesy to my hosts. I had always liked the church, which was located on the school campus, so it did not take much prodding to go. I am going to list a few thing that stood out to me during my visit.

1. Practicing faith without being obnoxious. The couple was more than ‘one day’ Christians. They were always generous, ready to help, giving, and accommodating whenever possible. This is impressive because many religious people do not see the need to be Christians apart from the day they worship or during church sanctioned engagements. I like the fact that their ‘works’ were integrated in their personal lives and they did not feel the need to be at church 24-7. There are Christians so addicted to the building that they forget their Christianity exists outside of those walls and they are meant to share their knowledge with others.

2. Christian hypocrisy is so blaring we sometimes do not recognize it. According to one of the students, the Christian school was so insistent on their students not ‘touching’ alcohol to the point that they have pushed things to the extreme. The new students were taught that if the college authorities find out that they were in the presence of alcohol (not drinking) or if they were found to have used alcohol, then they can be suspended. The funny thing is the school is surrounded by many wineries. You can not ‘spit too far’ without hitting a vineyard. While I understand the school rules regarding no alcohol on campus, they should have taken this opportunity to educate these young adults on abstinence from alcohol AND drinking responsibly (off campus) while using an accountability buddy. The Christian school is setting up a false sense of security that does not exist in the real world unless you belong to the Duggar family.

3.  Hypocrisy continues. I was in the company of a group of people and the topic briefly referred to homosexuals. There was a late 20’s young male who was very quick to make disparaging statements and what he would do to them. Interestingly, this young person was recently baptised but the kicker is he is a recently recovering substance addict, whose family is still addicted, and he has a child with a woman out-of-wedlock. He really missed the plank in his eye and the lesson about love. Teaching Christians the ways of God in practical sense is very important. I think he truly believed that his statements were religiously justified and sadly most believers would support his views without recognizing the hypocrisy.

4. Religion teachings need to reflect the changing times.  The sermon was about showing kindness and the pastor told two stories in which Christians had failed miserably. The first was a young unwed woman who became pregnant and the pastor of her church refused to bless the baby due to the mother’s status and to add insult another ‘good Christian’ referred to her child as a ‘bastard’ in the presence of the baby and a family member. The second story was of another pastor who refused to bless a baby because his/her parents were of the same-sex.

I was so moved and impressed by the pastor when he said that the Christians in those instances had failed in exemplifying God’s teachings of kindness. As a pastor, he would rather have everyone in his church in which he can continue to preach God’s love. He pointed out that if each of our lives were opened to the public, then many ‘good Christians’ would be shamed. We (I include myself) are so quick to throw the good book at people who make mistakes or those who do not fit in a religiously perfect category but instead we need to use God as an example when he called all the sinners to Him and ignored the self-proclaimed religiously pious.

5. Ssshhhh Sex . It seems I am not able to run away from this topic 🙂 . During the same conversation about the Christian school’s stance on alcohol, I asked what did they say on sex. The new student said they barely even mention anything on sex. Of course, I find this funny and not surprising. I noted that during my enrollment at the school, there were two girls who were obviously pregnant and there were occasional condoms found in parking lots. I would like to clarify that the pregnancies were not virginal insemination and human males were identified as the fathers. I would also like to note that none of these girls were married. Ignorance is Christian bliss.

6. Sex is nasty even to married Christians. I was having a conversation with the married friend which was in reference to visitors to her home being respectful according to her religious beliefs. She was telling a story that she did not allow her daughter, who was engaged at the time, to be under the same roof with her fiance in order to deflect temptation to do “nasty stuff.” I chuckled to myself by her choice of word to describe sex. Even though I found it funny, it did sadden me because she perpetuated the same ‘sex is dirty’ idea that most Christians believe.

I do think that Christianity teachings need to be more applicable to the current stressors that we face. While the abstinence (from evil) message is good, that does not help those who are struggling with being faithful.  I in no way am stating that we need to change the Bible to suit our needs; however, it’s a pastor/teacher’s duty to quit hiding in the dark ages and preach applicable messages.

I had the pleasure of enjoying my time with people I consider to be good solid Christians. While they are not perfect, it is nice to have a living practicing example of what good Christian character should resemble.

 

Is Long Term Monogamy Natural?


To quote from the Princess Bride “…Mawwage that w(bl)essed arrangement, that dweam within a dweam and w(l)ove, true wove will follow you foreva…so treasure your wafe….” Yep, I do love that movie and Mel Brooks is a comedy genius. Even though marriage has become some what of a farce in pop culture, I still believe in its sanctity and intrinsic meaning. I still believe that marriage stands for something. However, in order to weather the passage of time, many married couples face the challenge of staying in long term monogamous relationships.

My initial post was entitled “So how many ex-wives do you have” and then a friend texted me with a note on whether monogamy is truly possible. It got me thinking about the correlation of long term monogamy and the number of exs. Do people with more exs have problems being faithful or sticking with only one?

Within the last two years, I have met two men with multiple ex-wives. Guy #1 is probably in the process of seeking wife numero 4 and Guy#2 is 3 years in with wife number 4.  Ironically, I was also sitting across from a Guy #3 who started his married life in his 20’s and is still married to his wife of 16 years. What they have in common is that all three men started their marriage journey at a young age. What makes these men so different is the way they managed their relationships. When Guy #1 first told me he had 3 failed marriages I actually started laughing because I thought he was joking. After all, these sorts of things was for Hollywood types.

Long term monogamy, the ability to stick to one partner over an extended period of time, seems to be very challenging for so many people. Is the idea that the grass is always greener with someone else? At least  until the new person gets old. Even our religious forefathers had difficulty holding on to one person.  King David, in his old and dying years, took a very young wife for his comfort. What happened to the “old wives?” The greatest evidence for the difficulty of monogamy is prostitution. The word on the street is that it’s the oldest profession which has endured the test of time and many marriages.

Is it natural to wake up next to the same person every day, sharing the same space every day, being accustom to this permanent fixture in your life until death? How do you stop yourself from getting bored or disinterested?

Monogamy is relative. It’s relative to the people entering in the relationship, their frame of mind about the relationship and their resiliency to be committed. Divorce happens because of a failure from both individual. Monogamy is possible (without infidelity). Monogamy is a realistic expectation for those people who are honest and committed. Our culture has bred an instant gratification generation. This has spilled over into intimate relationships.

Men can be faithful. Actually, the good men are faithful in the face of temptation. Even  though many people are opting out of marriage, they are still involved in romantic relationships which are very short lived and probably doomed from the first hello. The point is monogamy is very natural; however, not everyone chooses to be.

Slut Shaming for Frank Sex Talk


My most frequently viewed posts are the ones on sex and sexuality. People just can not get enough of the topic in private. However, if you are talking about it in public, then it is a whole different and shameful matter.  I have never shied away from very frank sexual discussions in my blogs or offline. However, there is still shame and a negative view when a woman talks openly, without being pornographic, about sex.

I have no “shame” when it comes to such a topic. I previously worked in behavioral health. The job came with the mandatory ability to talk about any and everything under the sun.  Aspects of my current job has a focus on the sexually transmitted infectious consequences of sex. So, I do not have the luxury of embarrassment.

I made a trip recently over to a fellow blogger, Jess C Scott and ventured to her self published books. http://www.jessink.com/books_genre.htm.  What caught my eye was her Art of Erotic Writing. This gives a distinction between relationship focused sex and pornography. That was the motivator to blog about my slut shaming incidents I encountered in the last few months which came from ‘forever married’ women. Thanks Jess!

First let me start off by giving examples of frank sex talk:

Experience 1: Woman: After having kids, I think I might be loose down there but I am not sure. Me: Well, the best person who would know if anything have changed would be your husband. Why don’t you ask him. Woman: [ Shocked tone] I can’t ask him that. It’s too personal. Me: Okay [end conversation].

Experience 2: Woman: You might think this is weird. My husband wants me to dress up as [Star Wars character]. Me: Oh my gosh, that sounds like a lot of fun. You should do it. I would recommend role play to all married couples. Woman: I am too fat to fit in any costume. Me: Then that’s a good reason to lose weight.

Experience 3: Woman: I don’t know what to get my husband for Christmas. Me: Why don’t you buy something cute for yourself that he would also appreciate. Woman: [in shocked tone and uncomfortable laughter] I have gained so much weight I doubt that would be pleasure for him. Me: [end conversation]

Experience 4: Man: I should never have married my ex-wife…. Me: So why did you stay with her that long, was the sex that good? Man: [without skipping a heart beat] Yes, it was very good. Me: There’s the reason why you stayed so long.

In my experience, frank sex talk is more problematic with most women than with men. Women, including the married ones, become overly embarrassed. There in lies my problem as to why I was slut shamed. On three different occasions two married women, out of the blue, insinuated that I engage in one night stands. I deduced that the precursor to this assumption was because I can engage in general sexual talk like my male counterparts. Or was it because I said I would love to be an apprentice to Dr Ruth or the fact that I can talk sex without giggling like a school girl and becoming ridiculously embarrassed or maybe it’s because I am a single woman in her 30’s therefore I must be f****** around. Are you getting my annoyance?

Most women and some idiotic men immediately associate frank sex talk with promiscuity. At no time did I ever give any of these women details that would suggest I engaged in one night stands, friends with benefit, or any such frivolous sexual encounters. These women stated that they don’t believe in such things yet they assumed I do.  Why? because I am older and single? I had very clearly stated in their presence (when a drunk acquaintance suggested I go back to his place and wake up next to him so we can have sex when he is sober) that I believe in monogamous long term relationship sex.  What part of that statement was confusing? Wait, it had nothing to do with the statement but that I am an older single woman.

On the other hand, when the men say very explicit things, the women did not bat an eye or made any related judgements. It’s apparent that the single woman has to be the one ‘about town’. Obviously, it is written somewhere that all single women who can hold an adult conversation related to sex has an amoral freedom with their bodies. Is it that we are all like Samantha from Sex and the City? [For those who never watched the cable show, Samantha’s character had very frank and sometimes extremely explicit talks about sex and she had the most sex with almost any man, anywhere and anytime].  It never occurred to these married women that their inappropriate suggestion was insulting and extremely demeaning.

I expect adults to have grown up conversations; however, it is not that way when it comes to sex. Sex and sexuality topics seem to revert the adult mind to that of a moronic adolescent. Many adults equate sexuality with pornography and therefore a certain level of shame. Heaven forbid that a single woman should be so open in that discussion. It appears that in order for a woman to understand sex and her own sexuality it means there is something deviant about her. So, be warned single women, some married people may be looking at you as horny promiscuous nymphos.

The fear of frank sex talk extends amongst the educated too:

Experience 1: I was sitting in a hospital cafeteria with female coworkers, when someone asked if anyone watched the cable show, Masters of Sex. I  saw a few episodes and thought it was interesting.  While explaining to the rest of my coworkers that the series is based on two pioneers in the field of sexuality and their research information is still used to day, I gave an example from one episode.  I informed them that the stages of arousal came from their research. A married nurse with grown children  who was sitting at the table started to laugh nervously, looked around the room, and spoke in a quiet tone that “Dr X was sitting at the next table.” My first thoughts: If Dr X gets embarrassed by our topic, then he has no business being a doctor.  My second thoughts: Even health professionals are embarrassed to talk about a natural human behavior.

Experience 2:  A group of adults were talking when a woman stated that her husband likes a particular underwear. A married mother and social worker immediately exclaim a bit irritated, “No no we are not going to have this conversation.” Then a guy in the group loudly proclaims, “I go commando and I like to be free.” This received lots of laughter however, no protest from the social worker.

Can you count how many times I used the word sex? Did it freak anyone out? Is this post now listed as pornographic material? Am I totally sex obsessed and need extensive prayer to cleanse my mind and soul? Think about this  sex, penis, and vagina maybe the words with the most euphemisms because adults are too embarrassed to say them. However, they are so much a natural part of us and will continue to be that way whether we are embarrassed or not.

Final note on this single woman slut shaming. I will not accept slut shaming from anyone. I will not change the fact that I think it’s important to talk openly about sex. I will still admire Dr Ruth. I will never hide my sexuality focused books that has a place on my bookshelf for any adult to read and I will always find sex and sexuality a very stimulating subject [PUN INTENDED].

An Ode to Good Men


This is an ode to men who have been good fathers, good friends, good husband, good lovers, and decent human beings who take on the challenge of their responsibilities and do it to the best of their abilities. This is an ode to good men.

The words good man in its true context has been used very rarely. Women are whispering to each other that there is a lack of good men or ‘all the good men are taken’ but that may be fallacy. I have never been that cynical and I tend to ignore such rumors because that is the same sentiment some men say about women as well.

In my last year or two, I have been consistently exposed to two men whose words and behaviors can easily make any woman think that all men are useless, self-serving pigs. It’s almost like subliminal brainwashing. I actually found that my recent thoughts were leaning more towards the negative generalization. When I do encounter something different from these two influences, it is such a stark difference and almost a sigh of joy that not every man is like them.

The news was a buzzed with a father who snapped pictures of himself combing his daughter’s hair while carrying his other baby girl in a harness. I absolutely loved that picture – it was reaffirming to see that God created little baby boys who grew up to be responsible good men. Because of that picture and some negative backlash, more men came out with videos and pictures showing their good characters as active and involved fathers.

The valentine’s season has begun and many men are planning how they are going to ‘get it right’ because it is their time to shine. On the other hand, a good man does not need to sweat for February 14 because he has been living up to his responsibilities every single day and he will continue to do so for every mundane day that follows.

Good men have nothing to prove in a game of who is more macho. Good men understand the value of the loved ones in their lives. Good men tell the truth and have no need to lie frequently in which they may not even know the truth. Good men show respect to women with their words and behaviors. Good men do not take advantage of others. Good men will see a problem and are willing to assist when possible. Good men understand the difference between right from wrong and behave accordingly. Good men understand their importance as husbands, fathers, sons and brothers. Good men show you who they are without any use of facades.

Good men do the best they can with what they have available. Good men are not constantly drunk or high. Good men acknowledge their faults and weakness and learn to ask for assistance. Good men do not pretend they are invincible. Good men can get frustrated; they can feel down; they can fail; they can make mistakes; they can experience weakness and even cry; however, good men know they need to rise above the setbacks and make better decisions. Good men know how to learn for the better.

Good men can do laundry, cook, clean the house, don’t know how to fix a leaky faucet, comb their daughters’ hair and play tea with them. Good men can be garbage men to CEOs of fortune 500 companies. Good men can be fat, skinny, built, old, and young. A good man can be a brother, neighbour, boss or the guy a woman is currently dating.  Being a good man is all about the characteristics one chooses to embody.

I do not believe that all the good men are taken. I do not believe that they are in short supply. Those men to whom I refer are actively involved or being pursued by women who do not know the character of a good man.  Good men are around us and who interacts with us in different capacity. At times, it seem hard to identify good men because they may be lost among the more outwardly dazzling but inwardly rotten men. God created little boys who grew up to become good men and they are still in existence.

So, a toast to all the good men – taken or single

How many good men can you identify?