A Lazy Single Woman

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My stick figure art- Lazy dater

I can honestly say I am a lazy single woman. No, it’s not what you think. What I mean is I am a 41y/o relatively decent looking single woman who is lazy when it comes to dating and mating.

Here is my brief history in the mating world. Marriage or a permanent relationship was never on my radar until about five years ago and even now it makes its occasional blips then it is gone. My mating/dating desire is also depending on my mood (horny-darn that natural heightened sexual libido; independent-I am woman I can do anything by myself; lonely-yep that’s a reality of single life and comfortable – life is good with just me) and which patient I saw that day (I tell ya, hearing dysfunctional marriage and relationship stories do NOT put me in the marriage mood). I sporadically dated throughout my teens, not much in my twenties because I was focused on school, career and where to live, then I dated a few in my 30s and well… I just hit my 40s so not much to talk about there. I can’t say I had any earth shattering relationships but I learnt stuff from the experiences.

One of the biggest lessons I learnt is how much I HATE dating. Yeah I know, dating is a precursor to having relationships. I was not exaggerating with the word hate either. I have come to learn that I am an introvert which explains certain things. I am not big on meeting new people, very slow to warm up to everyone, enjoy my alone time, can’t manage stupid small talk, need time to recharge after too much peopling and need ongoing mental stimulation which leads to some dating problems.

Dating Problems:

New people blues: As mentioned before, I don’t like new people because they put me on high alert. The added issue now is that as a former therapist, my brain is working overtime doing quick danger assessments (what was that look he gave? what does he mean by that? lol.. yep that’s me in assessment mode). After every first date, I am literally drained, not excited and need a rest and recovery period. I don’t know how singles do these multiple people dates. I typically walk away thinking – being single is so much more comfortable.

Bonding: I realized from high school that I was not that girl who ‘fell in love’ with people. While my friends were constantly in love, I was occasionally ‘in like.’ The problem with always being ‘in like’ is that the bonding was tenuous. Now combine that issue with not really wanting to be tied down. This just makes for a bad emotional relationship connection. I got bored with people easily and did not want someone in my space for long periods which did not go very well in the dating world.

Meeting people: I am not a hermit and don’t isolate except during winter. I go out and do things but my hobbies are not conducive to meeting new people – unless I twist my ankle on a hiking trail and some heaven-sent single Adonis came by to provide medical assistance 🙂 . I will not be trolling any of the local bars or clubs and I will not be the woman in a bodycon dress with 4″ heels trying to get some dude’s attention at your local grocery store. I find no pleasure in online dating and I am totally out of ideas on the local ‘pick up men tastefully’ meetup venues. Sooooo, I am up the creek without a paddle when it comes to meeting eligible bachelors.

Conversation: You are on a date and you have to come up with stuff to say. I do hate small talk because it’s mind numbing. I am usually a listener and as an introvert, I am not always very talkative initially unless there is a topic that gets my brain revving. I also feed off extroverts until I have had enough and then I am totally pooped which triggers a quiet shut down. It takes me awhile to get warmed up (no pun intended), so if my date does not have patience, then it will be a bad night.

An extra job: I equate dating to work and not the fun kind of work either. It requires so much time, effort and mental energy that the thought of dating makes me tired. Yep, sometimes most times I feel too lazy to date.

Dating Realization:

I did learn some important things during my dating trauma.

  1.  I am decisive when it comes to people. It does not take me very long to figure out if I want to spend more time with someone. As I aged, I became very outspoken and confident, so take it or leave it.
  2. Ideally, I would prefer to date someone I already know or have met in a mutual situation. It takes the new-person pressure off the first date and it makes conversation easier.
  3. Being friends first gives you a better insight into the person and vice versa. There is no rule that says you cannot go on a first date long after you initially met someone. The pressure that goes with having a perfect first date will no longer apply
  4. There is something to be said about activity dates. The combination of engaging in an activity while getting to know someone makes it less ‘datey.’
  5. Slow and steady wins the race. I am in no hurry for anything – no biological clock, no peer pressure, no jealousy, nada! So I am not trying to decide husband/not husband material in our first meetings.
  6. There are some people with whom you click and you do not feel the urge to work in order to get the initial connection going.
  7. Not everyone who comes calling deserves your time or a date
  8. If you are not ready to date then don’t force yourself
  9. Just have fun and be yourself. If you mutually like each other then good but if not, then let it go (cue the theme song for Frozen)



Church Goers Vs Christians

In the last month or so, I had the pleasure of observing two professed Christians/church goers. It was not an intentional surveillance but nevertheless I could not help but reflect on something my mother said to me. Due to my lengthy absence from church, she always says that I should not look at the people because we go to church to serve God.

When I am in a good mood, I totally understand that concept. However, when I am in an anti-christianity mood, then my first thoughts are that this is complete b.s. because in church you are surrounded and have to interact with these people (good, bad or in between).  Anyways, one Christian had such a strong verbal expression of her faith that I could not help but think she probably put people off. I also could not help but note that she has set herself up for a fall because of a legalistic view of Christianity. The ironic thing is her house is in a bit of a mess.  The other christian has fallen back to smoking. He shows a conniving contempt for his boss and he has a loose tongue to quickly share ie. gossip about others.

I can’t help but find the humor with these two people. My mother is right. We are all humans who are very fallible (some more so than others) and if we stare too long at the professed Christians, we will lose sight of the purpose of Christianity. I am certainly not in a place to judge anyone (now or ever) because I am one of the ‘more so fallibles.’ It’s actually quite refreshing to admit to being a terrible sinner with one foot in to hell 🙂

Don’t get me wrong! I am not reveling in my current fallen status. I am just aware and admitting that there is nothing perfect about me. Actually everything is imperfect. It is funny how as professed christians we tend to deny our ‘evil’ side and  extensively promote the ‘holier than thou’ status.  I am slowly starting accept that professed Christians are not as perfect as they portray. I am not as disappointment or surprised when one of the flock behaves badly. I do wonder if they have admitted to themselves that they are in denial about their minor sins/almost perfect status.

I still am not sure how much closer I am to getting myself back to church. The calling has not hit yet but on rare occasions a fleeting thought crosses my mind. Despite my withdrawal, prayer continues to be a daily part of my life – a habit I just can’t give up.

Ripped from the Headlines… World in Chaos

The world today is definitely going to the dogs for sure. If this is not the “signs of the end,” then we are in major trouble for the world events to come. Everything is in complete chaos. Let’s see: American goes berserk and kills innocent women and children, the European countries are in a state of economic crisis, another religious fundamentalist blows up himself in a public place to make a religious tyrannical statement, father blows up himself and small children, another tyrant using children as his own private mercenary while the young girls and women are sex slaves, the rich and the famous and infamous are plagued by substance addiction, grandmother died in a house fire with a number of her grandchildren, tsunamis, earthquakes and tornadoes etc. etc. etc.

Sheesh. It is obvious that left on our own, we humans become unbelievably destructive. In the old testament, the world flood was brought about because God had had enough of the craziness. The new testament states that as it was in the days of Noah so shall it be again. It really makes me wonder if we have reached or surpassed the days of Noah. How bad could those people have been to trigger God’s anger and therefore a human cleansing? Is this world close to the second coming (and one can only pray that this will be the last cleansing)?

People are preparing for something very catastrophic to happen. The racists are expecting a race war, the religious extremists are expecting a holy war, the Christians are expecting the second coming, the Jews are expecting the first coming, and individuals and families are preparing for some big show down (check out the show Doomsday Preppers). So, it is probably accurate to say that the “devil is roaming about…” and stirring up a lot of hatred and evil to the point that no one is safe anywhere. In comes the true purpose of the New Testament to prepare for  everyone for the beyond and not becoming caught up in the chaos going on now.

It is easier said than done. Unless one lives in a remote area of the world or in an Amish community, then it is really hard to not be anxious about the state of the world. It is hard to shut out all things media with this information age of cell phones, computers, televisions, radio (I think people still listen to the radio) etc. It is very fitting why the new testament said to flee to the mountains or in today’s translation ‘get the hell out of dodge.’ Is it even possible to live out a quiet peaceful life anymore? Are we delusional to think that the chaos we hear and read (do they still make newspapers?) about will not invade our hide away? Evil knows no bounds and that is very obvious.

I do have to say that I long for some mindless feel good source of entertainment that is not always filled with sex, violence, deceit, and all the ills of the world. Maybe this would be a good time to pick up some Gregorian chant CDs (are those still around?), get comfortable with a good yoga pose and start practicing meditation. It is very hard to disassociate from the world, unless you are Amish or others of that ilk, but the bible did say that we should not let our hearts ‘fail us’ because of all the stuff that is happening. So if we cannot find a cave to hide ourselves, then it is time to learn to filter it all out. It can be bloody hard to believe that God is still in charge but the bible did say “to be still and know that I am God.”