I can honestly say I am a lazy single woman. No, it’s not what you think. What I mean is I am a 41y/o relatively decent looking single woman who is lazy when it comes to dating and mating.
Here is my brief history in the mating world. Marriage or a permanent relationship was never on my radar until about five years ago and even now it makes its occasional blips then it is gone. My mating/dating desire is also depending on my mood (horny-darn that natural heightened sexual libido; independent-I am woman I can do anything by myself; lonely-yep that’s a reality of single life and comfortable – life is good with just me) and which patient I saw that day (I tell ya, hearing dysfunctional marriage and relationship stories do NOT put me in the marriage mood). I sporadically dated throughout my teens, not much in my twenties because I was focused on school, career and where to live, then I dated a few in my 30s and well… I just hit my 40s so not much to talk about there. I can’t say I had any earth shattering relationships but I learnt stuff from the experiences.
One of the biggest lessons I learnt is how much I HATE dating. Yeah I know, dating is a precursor to having relationships. I was not exaggerating with the word hate either. I have come to learn that I am an introvert which explains certain things. I am not big on meeting new people, very slow to warm up to everyone, enjoy my alone time, can’t manage stupid small talk, need time to recharge after too much peopling and need ongoing mental stimulation which leads to some dating problems.
New people blues: As mentioned before, I don’t like new people because they put me on high alert. The added issue now is that as a former therapist, my brain is working overtime doing quick danger assessments (what was that look he gave? what does he mean by that? lol.. yep that’s me in assessment mode). After every first date, I am literally drained, not excited and need a rest and recovery period. I don’t know how singles do these multiple people dates. I typically walk away thinking – being single is so much more comfortable.
Bonding: I realized from high school that I was not that girl who ‘fell in love’ with people. While my friends were constantly in love, I was occasionally ‘in like.’ The problem with always being ‘in like’ is that the bonding was tenuous. Now combine that issue with not really wanting to be tied down. This just makes for a bad emotional relationship connection. I got bored with people easily and did not want someone in my space for long periods which did not go very well in the dating world.
Meeting people: I am not a hermit and don’t isolate except during winter. I go out and do things but my hobbies are not conducive to meeting new people – unless I twist my ankle on a hiking trail and some heaven-sent single Adonis came by to provide medical assistance 🙂 . I will not be trolling any of the local bars or clubs and I will not be the woman in a bodycon dress with 4″ heels trying to get some dude’s attention at your local grocery store. I find no pleasure in online dating and I am totally out of ideas on the local ‘pick up men tastefully’ meetup venues. Sooooo, I am up the creek without a paddle when it comes to meeting eligible bachelors.
Conversation: You are on a date and you have to come up with stuff to say. I do hate small talk because it’s mind numbing. I am usually a listener and as an introvert, I am not always very talkative initially unless there is a topic that gets my brain revving. I also feed off extroverts until I have had enough and then I am totally pooped which triggers a quiet shut down. It takes me awhile to get warmed up (no pun intended), so if my date does not have patience, then it will be a bad night.
An extra job: I equate dating to work and not the fun kind of work either. It requires so much time, effort and mental energy that the thought of dating makes me tired. Yep,
sometimes most times I feel too lazy to date.
I did learn some important things during my dating trauma.
- I am decisive when it comes to people. It does not take me very long to figure out if I want to spend more time with someone. As I aged, I became very outspoken and confident, so take it or leave it.
- Ideally, I would prefer to date someone I already know or have met in a mutual situation. It takes the new-person pressure off the first date and it makes conversation easier.
- Being friends first gives you a better insight into the person and vice versa. There is no rule that says you cannot go on a first date long after you initially met someone. The pressure that goes with having a perfect first date will no longer apply
- There is something to be said about activity dates. The combination of engaging in an activity while getting to know someone makes it less ‘datey.’
- Slow and steady wins the race. I am in no hurry for anything – no biological clock, no peer pressure, no jealousy, nada! So I am not trying to decide husband/not husband material in our first meetings.
- There are some people with whom you click and you do not feel the urge to work in order to get the initial connection going.
- Not everyone who comes calling deserves your time or a date
- If you are not ready to date then don’t force yourself
- Just have fun and be yourself. If you mutually like each other then good but if not, then let it go (cue the theme song for Frozen)