A Lazy Single Woman

Lazy me09112017
My stick figure art- Lazy dater

I can honestly say I am a lazy single woman. No, it’s not what you think. What I mean is I am a 41y/o relatively decent looking single woman who is lazy when it comes to dating and mating.

Here is my brief history in the mating world. Marriage or a permanent relationship was never on my radar until about five years ago and even now it makes its occasional blips then it is gone. My mating/dating desire is also depending on my mood (horny-darn that natural heightened sexual libido; independent-I am woman I can do anything by myself; lonely-yep that’s a reality of single life and comfortable – life is good with just me) and which patient I saw that day (I tell ya, hearing dysfunctional marriage and relationship stories do NOT put me in the marriage mood). I sporadically dated throughout my teens, not much in my twenties because I was focused on school, career and where to live, then I dated a few in my 30s and well… I just hit my 40s so not much to talk about there. I can’t say I had any earth shattering relationships but I learnt stuff from the experiences.

One of the biggest lessons I learnt is how much I HATE dating. Yeah I know, dating is a precursor to having relationships. I was not exaggerating with the word hate either. I have come to learn that I am an introvert which explains certain things. I am not big on meeting new people, very slow to warm up to everyone, enjoy my alone time, can’t manage stupid small talk, need time to recharge after too much peopling and need ongoing mental stimulation which leads to some dating problems.

Dating Problems:

New people blues: As mentioned before, I don’t like new people because they put me on high alert. The added issue now is that as a former therapist, my brain is working overtime doing quick danger assessments (what was that look he gave? what does he mean by that? lol.. yep that’s me in assessment mode). After every first date, I am literally drained, not excited and need a rest and recovery period. I don’t know how singles do these multiple people dates. I typically walk away thinking – being single is so much more comfortable.

Bonding: I realized from high school that I was not that girl who ‘fell in love’ with people. While my friends were constantly in love, I was occasionally ‘in like.’ The problem with always being ‘in like’ is that the bonding was tenuous. Now combine that issue with not really wanting to be tied down. This just makes for a bad emotional relationship connection. I got bored with people easily and did not want someone in my space for long periods which did not go very well in the dating world.

Meeting people: I am not a hermit and don’t isolate except during winter. I go out and do things but my hobbies are not conducive to meeting new people – unless I twist my ankle on a hiking trail and some heaven-sent single Adonis came by to provide medical assistance 🙂 . I will not be trolling any of the local bars or clubs and I will not be the woman in a bodycon dress with 4″ heels trying to get some dude’s attention at your local grocery store. I find no pleasure in online dating and I am totally out of ideas on the local ‘pick up men tastefully’ meetup venues. Sooooo, I am up the creek without a paddle when it comes to meeting eligible bachelors.

Conversation: You are on a date and you have to come up with stuff to say. I do hate small talk because it’s mind numbing. I am usually a listener and as an introvert, I am not always very talkative initially unless there is a topic that gets my brain revving. I also feed off extroverts until I have had enough and then I am totally pooped which triggers a quiet shut down. It takes me awhile to get warmed up (no pun intended), so if my date does not have patience, then it will be a bad night.

An extra job: I equate dating to work and not the fun kind of work either. It requires so much time, effort and mental energy that the thought of dating makes me tired. Yep, sometimes most times I feel too lazy to date.

Dating Realization:

I did learn some important things during my dating trauma.

  1.  I am decisive when it comes to people. It does not take me very long to figure out if I want to spend more time with someone. As I aged, I became very outspoken and confident, so take it or leave it.
  2. Ideally, I would prefer to date someone I already know or have met in a mutual situation. It takes the new-person pressure off the first date and it makes conversation easier.
  3. Being friends first gives you a better insight into the person and vice versa. There is no rule that says you cannot go on a first date long after you initially met someone. The pressure that goes with having a perfect first date will no longer apply
  4. There is something to be said about activity dates. The combination of engaging in an activity while getting to know someone makes it less ‘datey.’
  5. Slow and steady wins the race. I am in no hurry for anything – no biological clock, no peer pressure, no jealousy, nada! So I am not trying to decide husband/not husband material in our first meetings.
  6. There are some people with whom you click and you do not feel the urge to work in order to get the initial connection going.
  7. Not everyone who comes calling deserves your time or a date
  8. If you are not ready to date then don’t force yourself
  9. Just have fun and be yourself. If you mutually like each other then good but if not, then let it go (cue the theme song for Frozen)



Single + Single ≠ A Match

I was dragged to church today but not kicking and screaming; however, I was grumbling a bit 🙂 . Despite the rocky start, I can admit that the service was good and the singing was fabulous. The pastor talked about releasing the sinful behaviors that create chains which anchor us to the devil. I am introspective so I know my sinful behaviors, the things that I go back to, and the things that I am a bit reluctant to let go off (and let God, so to speak). However, since this is a being christian and single navigation blog, I will get to the part that is singles related.

There were two incidents in church that just rubbed me the wrong way as a single and somewhat-Christian woman. The first was a young woman giving a thank-God-life-has-been-good-and-God-gave-me-everything-I-wanted-testimony. I have to say I do like those God did good things for me messages. Her testimony included being married and pregnant in the same year. Great for her!! (and I mean it sincerely). However, in the next breath (here is the thing that irritated me) she went on to say, in hopes of being encouraging, that God should be our all. He is all we need for a partner, for love, comfort etc. In essence, God should be the ‘it’ of our lives and those who did not get what they wanted should be okay with just God.

While I understand the importance of God in a Christian’s life, I do take offence to those people who first pointed out that they wanted more than just God and got it; however, for the rest of us poor single nonpregnant people, we should be satisfied with only God. The hypocrisy is so glaring that it makes you want to scream “you would not be saying that if you didn’t get_____.” It is almost like a poor you sucker message. God gave me my mate and a family but since you are not as fortunate then God is all you need. I don’t know if people are that insensitive because they are self-absorbed or they are trying, but failing badly, to give hope to others. Either way, just stick to your praise and testimony and shut the hell up if you don’t know what to say to those who were not so abundantly blessed.

The second issue that came up in church was the pastor assumption that because two people are single then they will naturally make a good match. If becoming coupled was as easy as 1-2-3, then we would all be in long and happy marriages. The pastor’s mistake is a common one that many people (especially those that are coupled) tend to perpetuate. There is this prevailing assumption that 1 + 1 will =2. Obviously, there is more to making a good connection with someone than their marital status-this is something many single people are very aware of from their relationship misadventures.

A single status is only one criteria when a Christian single is searching for a mate. Being single, as a friend points out, does NOT mean available. It is always sarcastically amusing when someone you know tells you that she knows this person who is single and you two should get together. The next question is ‘tell me about him/her’. The reply usually goes along these lines: s/he is a nice person but I don’t know that much about person X except that s/he is single. This is the what the ****** moment. So what your misguided friend or family is saying is that I am desperate to be with anyone because I am single! I am not implying that these random get togethers could not work out (probably the same percentage as internet dating) but the idea that just because we are two single people then we are bound to hitting-it-off. Really!!!! I say again really!!!!!

The older Christian single status is a very tricky place to navigate. If church people are not being condescending, then they are trying to get you coupled. It is hard to tell church members to piss-off but instead you graciously grin and bear these subtle insults which are wrapped in well-meaning intentions (or not).  The best defense is to try and find the humor in silly situations like these. I recognize these faux pas  frequency could cause a Christian single to momentarily forget her lady-like manners and say something very unchristian 🙂 . I do believe that most singles can express themselves quite clearly and if we need your opinions or blind interventions, we can speak up about that too.

Is it Wrong for Women to Wait to Settle Down?

(image copied from: http://www.peoplespharmacy.com/2010/05/26/looking-for-lubricant/)

As the title of this blog indicates, I am single but not just single; I am pushing 36 and single. Wait, not just single; pushing 36 but also have Christian beliefs. Ouch! I think I have put myself in a precarious predicament. This situation will be refered to as the hard sell position. I happened to be reading a blog entitled, At 34, Am I a Hard Sell? and thought wow I think I am one of many women who are in that situation.

For some women, adding the biologically screaming clock to the equation just makes matters worst and maybe downright depressing. The hard sell position implies that as single women over 30, we are not as desirable to the general population of men as before. We have aged out of the category to be able to compete for good mate worthy men.  This hard sell position can be attributed to a change in the cultural standards for dating which have been shifting by a disturbing tide. Apparently, women over 30 are just not as appealing as their younger and nubile 20’s counterparts. Damnations to Hollywood and their brain washing. It is very obvious that super young is in and the big 3-0+ is so far over the hill we are out of sight. I have no intention of bashing my younger sisters but I do have to say that with age comes maturity and stability that many younger women are lacking.  I should know because in my twenties I was lacking the desire to be stable despite being mature.

Older women are being chastised for waiting too long to settle down. It is very much our fault for not wanting to be hogtied by the age of 25 when we had everything going for us.  Boo, I say. This has been an irritatingly pervasive argument from many and some women are kicking themselves for not grabbing the opportunity when they had it. However, the issue that this view-point fails to address is that commitment is something a person has to be ready to embrace. There are enough stories of people marrying and having children when they were not ready for such long-term stability. Being settled just for settling sake is a flawed logic. Thinking back during my college days, I had, at my fingertips, an oasis of single christian bachelor. If I were smart, I should have tried to reel one in before graduation. The problem is I was not ready just like many women were not in their 20’s. I can guarantee that my life after college was not conducive to having a stable relationship and I could not picture myself being hitched to anything.

During their twenties, many women are finding themselves and discovering their strengths and weaknesses. They are forging character and careers. They are learning to be women. The men are usually out sowing their wild oats (christian and secular) and therefore would not have been a suitable choice. Men have the luxury of waiting until they need Viagra before settling and  they never have to face the wrath of bachelor criticism. They, especially the ones who are financially secure, can easily pick up a fresh young one at any time despite them being out of shape, balding and all. On the thorny side of the bush, the spinsters can not even come close unless they are willing to put their bodies through the wringer in order to emulate someone who is their junior.

Is it wrong for women to wait to settle down? No, absolutely not! Many women become better with age – that whole fine wine analogy – and we grow into excellent partners which are huge advantages over the young nubiles. We have so much more to offer in a relationship and as mothers. However, despite all of our wonderful goodness, many women will continue to be single as they inadvertently compete with the younger and more fertile 20 something crowd. Here’s to hoping that the tide will change back to our favour.

When To Unveil Your New Lover

 copied image

Certain newly dating single women have a proverbial stench about them that can make any normal person puke. That stench is listening to her repeatedly use the words “my boyfriend” more often than necessary and never actually hearing the name of the guy by time she is done talking. The designation of boyfriend usually comes after less than a month of dating and knowing nothing about the man but he is befitted with the “my boyfriend” stamp. The stench is having to publicly discover along with the woman everything she is learning about the new man. The worse grievance of all is having the newly minted boyfriend being paraded at the job! Keep in mind, in a short period of time, two of my coworkers thought that the job was the place to unveil the new lover-seriously!!

Another coworker ranted to me (she is always ranting about something but this time I agree with her) that she does not understand women and how stupid they are because of a man. She overheard two other coworkers lamenting about wanting to be married. The part that peeved her to the core is that one coworker has been with her man (who recently changed his disagreeable ways) for over 1-2 years but has not mentioned the word marriage at all. The other coworker only knew her man for about 1-2 months and she has been heard in the office gushing that he wants to know her ring size.

Now, I realize that this post could sound more like jealousy or envy but on the contrary. It’s annoyance. I had lunch last week with a former coworker who could not stop talking about her boyfriend and there is my usual lunch date with another who is experiencing the first stage of dating after being divorced a few years. For these two women, I was happy to listen and pray the best for their decisions. What’s the difference between the two who showcased ‘the new man’  and the other two who quietly discussed their real concerns with me? Status. I hate hate hate when women use men as a form of status and a means to make themselves appear more important. The second is, I really believe in privacy and it is never okay to parade a new man or your love life at work. All that says is “look at me I have a boyfriend, now I feel important.” (Note: one of the showcase relationship ended soon after and the other I still don’t know his name even after a few months of them dating).

As a single woman, I have to do a conscious jealousy check. I have to ask myself and answer truthfully:  if I feel resentful, is it because that person is no longer single and I still am or is it something else that bothers me. I can be honest with myself and say if I feel irritated, it’s because of something else. I actually find it a joy when someone I know has started a new relationship; I am excited for that person because I know what it’s like: nerve-racking but exciting all at once.

In all my years, I have noticed that women are more likely to put the ‘boyfriend’ card on display as soon as they have spoken with a man for longer than a week. I remember having a discussion with the showcase ladies and expressed that the term boyfriend these days means nothing. Everyone has jumped past dating to boyfriend. Maybe I have some antiquated views on relationship but do people stop dating/courting each other? What is required for the designation of the term boyfriend or girlfriend? In my experience, dating is the time to find out if you enjoy this new person’s company enough to see yourself making the relationship exclusive ie boyfriend/girlfriend or parting ways with no attachment. Shouldn’t there be a ‘will you be my girlfriend’ verbal expression before assigning that label?

I recognize that we all get excited and want to share with others when something nice happens. However, there is a time and place to air your personal laundry and work is not it. This is a good time to call your closest girlfriend and chit chat about the hunk in your life. Women need to remember that not everyone gives a sh*t about or wants to hear what happens in your personal life.

More Bad News For Single Women


The results of a recent research study on single professional women seeking marriage is very grim. According to the study, single professional women are being told that the reason why they are still not married, even in their 20’s, is because men are seeking out women who are willing to have a purely sexual relationship without a request for commitment.

Those damn hussies! So that’s why the dam is dry downstream because the ‘friends with benefits’ option is more palatable. Speaking of which there is a movie out with exactly that sentiment. I have no intention of seeing it because of my huge objection to this alternative. There is not just blame on the unmarried very sexually free women but the men who believe that this is the better option to pursue until they are old, worn out,  and need viagra or cialis.

What is so wrong with commitment to a woman with smarts, values and character when she is young and he is not in the grandfather category? Are those the new dirty words for women? Since the news did not indicate other details of the study like age etc I hesitate to generalize.  This stat may not apply for Christian women because the men in the church are nothing like that **snickers quietly.** However, due to the shortage of quantity and sometimes quality Christian men, then most single christian women are taking it to the streets to broaden their kiddie pool options.

There is always a new study with additional findings to proclaim why so many marriage-minded women still sport a single status. And just like the one’s before, there is a hint of blame for the single woman. I am starting to think that if one wants to shed the single status, then a woman needs to drop her values to nonexistent, become promiscuous, pretend to be stupid- so the man seems to know more, do not go after a career- because men can feel threatened etc. Someone like the American 50’s ideal housewife.

The fact is there are more women in this world than men. There are even less Christian men available in the church. These studies are not intended to scare women but the results are that women begin to panic especially as they age. The other fact is there are no easy solutions for a woman wanting a partner. People will tell you to pray and God will provide but until then go live your life.

Navigating The Dating Mind-field

Dating is the necessary evil that single Christians have to go through to find that person of your dreams or run into the person of your nightmares. I find it a “necessary evil” because I absolutely hate dating. The idea of starting over with someone new for each first date is as exciting as going for a pap smear.

The complaint of most single Christians past the age of 30 is that there is a shortage, specifically for women, of mates in the church. Because places like bars and clubs are out, then that leaves meeting someone during your daily activity or taking your chances with online dating.  

The mind-field starts with finding the date. As a Christian woman who is ready to settle down, I have started making somewhat of an active effort to meet Christian men. I have changed churches a few times in the last couple years hoping that a new church (same denomination) would result in an eligible bachelor. However, I keep coming up empty-handed because there is nobody on the market. So I decided to expand my options and tried internet dating twice for a one month stretch each time. I realized that I am just not the internet type of person. This was a process that was too artificial for me. The first person I met chastised me about eating my vegetable and did not fully pay for the meal. The next person seemed to have potential but it turned out that he had major self-esteem issues. He had to go and my internet dating experience was definitely over!

So I decided to join a social group. I figure I could have fun and possibly meet some guy who shared a social interest as myself. Well, that came up empty-handed but I had and is still having fun with the group.  I decided to follow-up with my own personal  interest in hopes that this would open some opportunities but so far nada.

Needless to say, this finding an eligible Christian bachelor is not going too well for me and it can be a little frustrating when I do get around to thinking about it. When I was in college, I first heard the term”missionary dating.” My understanding is that a Christian would date someone non-Christian and convert the person while having a relationship with him/her. Sounds interesting! The problem is I do not have the patience for all that. I am looking for someone who already comes qualified in the field of Christianity. I am sure you are saying good luck with that.

The unequally yoked warning in the bible is there for a reason. For  me, unequally yoked could also be with Christians of differing beliefs. I already know what I am getting into with a non-Christian but when it comes to another Christian from a different denomination then there is a battle of the belief system. I once dated someone who said he was Christian and went to church but when I brought up abstinence and boundaries in dating he openly scoffed and proclaimed that he had been sexually active since he was a teen. Actually, he was ready to get into the sack from the word go!

There are a few things that I know is very important in a guy and if it is not there then it is a deal breaker. The guy has to be Christian with compatible beliefs as mine.  He needs to be able to keep it in his pants. In the past, I had gotten off the abstinence bandwagon and when it was all over I recognized just how important it is and the true purpose of waiting until marriage.

Singles constantly ask how do I find Mr/Ms Right? You can read every singles magazine or play every rule in the book but it’s just about timing. Because we are dating does not mean we are dating the right person. There are no trick to finding Mr/Ms Compatible. I think it truly is divine intervention to find the person who connects with you and that is not something that can be rushed or put on a schedule. It however helps to put oneself “out there” because he or she does not usually knock on your door.

Book recommendation: I read a very interesting book a few years ago and do agree with the advice from the two male christian counselor perspective: Boundaries In Dating by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend.