Things that Irritate Singles

If you have been single past the age of 25 and Christian,  people will always make certain comments particularly to women. There are a few pet peeves that just irritates the daylights out of me.

  1. You are preparing to be someone’s wife. Wrong! I am not preparing or have ever prepared myself to be anyone’s wife. My parents did an amazing job teaching me how to be a decent self-sufficient person and when I took over the responsibility, I kept learning more about me and my place in the world. If I happen to meet a person who loves what I have done with myself, then so be it. However, I did not create some arbitrary set of characteristics for an imaginary man I may or may not meet in the future.
    1. It would better to say. What have you been doing with yourself? I like what you have been doing with your life. I pray God blesses you with someone who can share your life. So, ladies, go find yourself because marriage will never give you an identity.
  2. I know God will send him to you. No you don’t. The last time I checked you did not have a direct line to God’s plans. You may or may not be blessed with someone in your life. Not every man or woman on the this earth is in a healthy long-lasting relationship.
    1. It would be better to say. I pray God brings someone suitable in your life and give you companionship that is best for you. This is assuming the person wants a relationship.
  3. Let me set you up with…. Why is it that everyone wants to set you up with the least desirable and most incompatible of people? This ‘set up’ scheme is as helpful as swiping left or right based off of one criteria the person is single. There is more to having a connection that being single.
    1. It would be better to do your research ie. likes, dislikes, do they have ANYTHING in common, about the people you plan to set up and ‘sell’ their qualities to the other person. If there is an interest, then ask if it would be okay to arrange a meeting in a friendly no pressure setting or provide the contact information to the other person.
  4. When you get married, then you will understand. One of the reasons why most marriages fall apart is because they did not take the time to understand the basic requirements of marriage before getting married. There is no great mystery to marriage. No two marriages are ever alike because the two people in the relationship are not the same as every other married couple. For example, one husband spends time with his children while another husband spends time and money on video games and leaves most of the parenting to the wife. So, do you have to be married to know which is more important in having a healthy relationship with your children?
    1. It would be better to say. This is what or how things work in our house and you might be looking for this or maybe you would be okay with something different.
  5. You are single so you can do… for me. It is amazing how many people try to take advantage of singles and their time because you are single. If someone is asking you to do something unreasonable, ask the person if she would be willing to do the same thing for you? People who are in a family unit assume that your single free time is available for their use while their free time is for their family. There is an absurd expectation that the single person should always make accommodations for others.
    1. It would be better to recognize that you are being an unreasonable a**hole. It would be polite and appropriate to ask for help and if the single can, then so be it. If the single person cannot, then do not keep badgering. FYI- other people’s constant expectations can cause stress and burn out. It is fair to say that the person in the relationship will not give enough of his/her spare time to the single man or woman in order to be a support when the person needs it.
  6. You need to get out more. How about you need to get out more! It is perfectly okay for the couple or family to rarely go out because they have lots to do at home but it is forbidden that the single wants to hibernate every now and then. There is almost a ridiculous expectation that a single person needs to be out and about every waking moment in order to meet Mr/Ms Right.
    1. It would be better to ask what activities do the person have an interest in and are doing. How about offering to be a wingman on occasion?
  7. You can fix him/her. The single person didn’t know s/he is a handy wo/man. So, did you start with a fixer upper? How do you know the single wants to ‘fix’ anyone? How do you know the person can be fixed? This concept of fixing people is a ludicrous notion that almost every couple knows too well.
    1. It would be better to keep your mouth closed and not show your ignorance. Carrying someone else’s burden is a cross Jesus borne. Each person has his own cross to bear and problems to fix. When people know you and care for you, then they will have your best interest at heart and that will reflect in the person they suggest who could be suitable for you. Enough said!
  8. The point. If you are one of those people, then please think before you become a nuisance. Couples are in such a hurry to see singles married or in a relationship that they unintentionally create a ridiculous fairytale (not even they are living) and  forget they are interfering in a person’s life. Most often, a single person truly needs your support, time and knowing that you give a sh*t instead of some half crazed match making scheme that’s more than likely NOT on God’s agenda.


Keeping It Real Moment

Tidbits I have learned from experiences and from others:

Internet Dating: The Internet is just a medium for two people to be introduced to each other. It should not be a sticking point in which two people dwell to create fantasies about each other or a place to avoid dealing with each other in real life. If an interested party lingers in the internet/non face to face world too long, then that should be a good sign to move on to someone who wants an interaction in the real world. If the intent is to have a ‘normal’ relationship, then why do you need to hide? If someone does need to hide, then I suggest therapy because s/he has a lot of shit to work out in order to have a decent relationship with anyone.

Text and Social Media: It is becoming common place for people to hide behind non face to face media. Are people so insecure and lacking confidence that they feel more comfortable with disassociated contact? It has become so easy to ‘fool’ people by pretending to be someone else and that has made the current generation look like idiots. There is even a TV show and term called Catfish to illustrate such stupidity. As a single, if most of your ‘relationship’ involves non face to face contact, then you really deserve what you get when you find out that you are being blatantly deceived.

There is no short cut to getting to know someone. I have seen more miserable ‘couples’ than unhappy singles.

Dump and Run: If s/he doesn’t call you, then s/he is not that into you. If you dread calling him/her, then you are not that into the person. If you have to keep making excuses for someone, then s/he is no good for you. There is no shame in admitting that a relationship is not working because the people closest to you already know. Common sense is there for a reason.

A Little Old Fashioned can be Good: Some modern men are falling short in their manly duties to show confidence with women and to take the initial lead. Call me old-fashioned but I extend respect for a man who takes the initiative to ask a woman out on a first date or get together instead of waiting for her to make the first move.  An independent and confident woman does not appreciate a cowardly and weak man unless she wants to use and dominate him.

Creating intimacy before getting to know someone usually leads to disaster. If there is no foundation to feed the magic, then you will be left with two strangers who were once hot for each other.

Women were created with one of the best weapons of all: the vagina. Just ask a sexually content husband. It is a great source of power but if misused or allow others to misuse, it can lead to emotional, spiritual, and psychological pain.

To Thine Own Self Be True: In my years of working with people, I have found one very significant thing. People are afraid to look in the mirror and get to know themselves.  It seems silly that people can hide the truth from themselves but it happens – it’s called suppression and denial. When you understand who you are – weakness, strengths, shame, joy, desires, wants, etc; then it’s less likely to become a doormat for others (family, partners, so-called friends), suffer from anxiety or depressive feelings, or make repeated disastrous life decisions.

Give Thanks: Despite all the craziness and disappointments, it helps to stop for a quiet moment and give thanks for the little things in your life.

I Am Becoming a Hermit

(copied image)

Growing up, I was considered to be the shy child and my older sister referred to me as a “home body.” This nickname was due to me always being home and not out with friends. I preferred solitude to constant people stimulation. What I considered my God-given gift, writing, was best utilized alone. My creativity was all in my head and the only need for people was to share my stories and get feedback.

As I got older and moved out into the world, I found people and cultures different from my own very fascinating. It was very effortless to have wonderful social interactions with diverse people including those that are older. I loved being able to put my shyness in a box and embrace being a social creature. However, as I move towards forty, there seem to be a 180 degree turn back to the person I was but with a nasty twist – I am starting to really hate being around most people.

There were subtle things that indicated I was reverting. I first noticed it at church. Church was always a nice place to be most of the time. I did not always want to attend church because sleeping in seem better but when I did attend it had its pleasant social moments despite the issue that most of the teens in my age group had their cliques. A few years after college, I started to find it difficult to sit in church.  Initially, I thought it was because I found church boring, after all, I had heard the same sermons repeatedly and no surprising new twists. I tried different churches and slowly I started to feel so uncomfortable to be around people as well as I kept experiencing a horrible negative internal reaction to even being in the same room. After trying  to address the issue with prayer and forcing myself to church, I started my ongoing sabbatical (note that this is not the only reason for my church absence).

The job at that time and my former career choice in behavioral health were also affected. I could even say that my career choice was a major catalyst for my people withdrawal. I remember when I started that career path. I had lots of hope and enthusiasm about the difference I would make in people’s lives.  Fast forward to today with an advanced degree and a former state licensure which are literally laid to waste.

The girl who loved enjoying people because they bring something new; the girl who wanted to help others; the girl  who had visions of being an expert in my field is now someone who is capable of little compassion (depending on the situation), little ability to empathize, easily annoyed, can withdraw from others in the blink of an eye and would love to be on a little island somewhere with limited people interference.  I will joke with my dear friend that I really hate (being around) people and sadly that joke is not very far from reality. How I manage to still have friendships is very surprising (maybe it’s divine intervention, thanks God :).

The once homebody turned social girl now wants to be a hermit. There are more days out of the year in which I would love to be in complete solitude than days that I want people’s interaction. Being introspective and learning to admit the difficult things to myself (hence the reason why writing this candid blog is not difficult at all and it’s not different from what I actually tell people), I concluded that this turn of event is a sad state to be. I do remember that shy girl who looked forward to interacting with her friends and the young woman who discovered so much about others by becoming more outgoing. When I stop long enough and think about my current state, I realize how much I miss that young woman.  Unfortunately, in this here and now moment in my life, I find the idea of being a hermit with occasional visits with friends and family as a very peaceful thought.

PS I am willing to share the  island but with distant neighbours.

The Gym-My Offending Eyes

There is something quite dangerous about being single in these sexually charged times. Back in the Puritanical and horribly uptight days, people dressed and behaved modestly. There were hardly any exposed body parts that could incite anyone’s imagination. There were no such things as ‘eye candy.’

In those days, such modesty and innocence were truly a blessing. The bible talks about plucking out an eye that could lead a person to evil. I is reasonable to infer that the verse was making reference to lusting, envy etc. I do have to say that if the bible was literal about removing the offending body part, then I would be blind many times over :-).

The place that does create such a dilemma 😉  is none other than the gym. It is a smorgasbord of hard bodies, good-looking men trying to make themselves look even better. Unfortunately, my offending eyes can’t seem to stop staring :-). It never occurred to me how much we all let it hang out at the gym-as little clothing as possible and everyone is showing off their best bodies. There is something about seeing good looking men work so hard (because the average man tend to do much less at home). I became aware (in my single-minded universe) that I was NOT the only woman who made note (but not ogling) of these men performing incredible feats, on contraptions like the pull up bar, quite alluring.

The funny thing about all that lust floating around in the gym is that each person-married, single or dating has equal opportunity eye candy time. Yes, it’s all about the eye candy. In the real world, most of us would not be given a 2nd glance but in the gym all is fair in people watching.  This is the one place in which no one cares about the marital status of the visually appealing specimens. I can not speak on the behalf of the men in this situation-because I barely take note of the women in the gym but I would think that they too may have issues with their eyes.

So, with this seemingly harmless place providing a table full of lustful delicacies, should Christians avoid gyms? Can we take it one step further and ban all Christians from men swim meet, body building competitions and anything that harbours a group of good-looking, well-build bodies dressed in outfits that leaves everything to the imagination? Is the ballet just downright pornographic????