Of everything in the Bible and the modern world, sex has stood the test of time to be the most vilified and misinterpreted act. Yet, it is still an intriguing activity in which probably 99.9% humans and 100% lower animals engage. Frankly, we could have a conversation about poop more easily than sex. Why is that?
For the religious folks, obviously when God created Adam and Eve, He used the act of sex to be the vector in which to populate the earth. I can speculate that he surely was not thinking ‘listen heavenly host, I am going to introduce some vile and disgusting method to usher in generations upon generations.’ I mean if you thought about it, God could have come up with another non-penetrating way in order to procreate. Instead, He thought it was a brilliant idea for two people to get the closest you could possible be to another human being AND he added some easily excitable nerve endings to both genitalia in order to have…. wait for it…. pleasure.
I am not sure which part makes people uncomfortable. Is it the intimacy or the pleasure? My conversational library is filled with everything known to man – nothing is too (fill in the blanks) to talk about with adults. However, most adults who are sexually active or will be sexually active find it hard to talk about sex. Ironically, sex permeates our lives and can become an issue if left desolate in relationships. Yes, a single gal will be talking frankly about sex – deal with it or stop reading. So in the words of Salt-N-Pepper Let’s Talk About Sex.
1. Sex is NOT dirty or shameful. Yes it’s a fluid, sticky, sweaty situation – showers were invented to clean up and washing machines for your sheets. I can’t possibly say anything more about this. It’s either you believe it or not.
2. Everyone is not a virgin. Have you ever met a married woman or a mother who becomes most shocked when sex becomes a topic? I almost want to slap them (not advocating violence) because if you are in either of those categories, then the whole world KNOWS you had at least 1 encounter with the penis kind. Men don’t have this problem and will never be in such denial.
3. Sex is Pleasure and Pleasure is Good. I acknowledge that due to various circumstances some women and men have difficulty experiencing sex as pleasure. On the other hand, for a large group of people, they chose sex to be a duty. Good sex provides great benefits for the individual and the couple. It was meant to be enjoyed by BOTH. Besides pleasure, it’s also meant to be a fun activity. When you see and experience sex as a good thing, then it becomes incorporated in your relationship as something to look forward to with each other. Anyone who has experienced an orgasm will attest to the pleasure. If you are having difficulty finding sex as pleasurable then move to suggestion #4.
4. Spice and Imagination are Highly Encouraged. Think of sex this way – most people like certain foods, for me it’s chicken; however, if I had baked chicken cooked the same way every time, I would get sick of it. Sex can and does get boring when you keep it in the same place and same position every time. SNORE! Seriously, there are numerous ways to have an orgasm. This hinderance to use one’s creativity in the bedroom comes from the shame and embarrassment of sex. I am not talking about 50 Shades of Grey BDSM but making simple changes to sexual positions, spice up the foreplay, use a different location in the bedroom or house. Take a sex-vacation to put some fire back into the bedroom.
Women Get Your Sexy On. It’s a repeatedly proven fact that it does not take much to get men excited. Do I have to repeat that ladies? Better yet, you repeat that to yourself. Forget about the perfect body BS. If your man is sexually attracted to you (80% of the battle is won), then your body is the sexiest thing on earth which will drive him wild. So, muster up your sexual confidence and start adding something new such as: Initiating sex, engage in intimate massage, play dress up with the items in your home (who knew a colander could be sexy), use some sexy play on words (all pun intended), take a pole dancing or chair dancing class and show case your skills, leave him a note about your fantasy, smack his tush as he walks by or better yet smack yours with a little wiggle and see where that gets you… etc. Get the idea!!! KISS-Keep It Simple Stupid.
Men, you are not off the hook. It takes a lot more than flashing your penis to get a woman excited. Women want to feel loved, sexy and appreciated. Lead with that and encourage her to get out of her sex shell. Foreplay! Foreplay! Foreplay! Your hands and lips are magic so learn to use them wisely. If you like to shake your booty, then watch a little Magic Mike. It will be good fun. You are also responsible for finding and creating ways to get her excited. Clean yourself up! Make your woman want you like you are the sexiest man on earth. If it had not occurred to you, women can be very visual, so give them something mouth-watering in which to look forward. No woman gets stimulated by a dirty slob. Keep in mind there is a difference between having dutiful sex and pleasurable sex. If you care about your partner, then the latter is your goal.
5. Know your body. Men understand this more readily than women. Their penises are literally handled multiple times a day and they are easily accessible. For heavens sake, they have nocturnal emissions and involuntary erections to deal with from puberty. So, it’s no wonder they have a better grasp on their male parts than women. Women on the other hand have SHAME. Most women do not know what turns them because we are discouraged from finding out – it’s just not proper, not christian, not ladylike. Bla bla bla.
How can you direct someone to provide you pleasure when you know nothing about your likes or dislikes. In therapy, they give people take home practical exercises to help them understand themselves better. There should be a standard sexercise for all women – single or married. Take the time to get to know your body intimately whether by yourself or with your partner. Talk about learning to communicate in a relationship! If you can get through a sexploration exercise with your partner, then there is not a thing you can not talk about in your relationship.
6. What’s on the menu. When I go to Famous Dave’s BBQ, I know the menu and my go to order but every now and then I try something new. If I were a sex therapist, I would introduce this idea to patients – create a sex menu. Starters would be your warm up activities/foreplay, main menu items – some traditional and other ‘exotic’ positions, and finish it off with dessert of your choice. Use your Spice and Imagination to create your menu: What (sex activities are you in the mood for), where (location! location! location!), Time (a quickie, an intermediate or a marathon), when (wake up call, afternoon delight, late night snack) who (what’s your role).
7. Trade ideas. This is the tricky part. To complete this task you must have good trusted open friends (preferable) or internet search button (set on safe search) or local book store AND you have to overcome your shame and embarrassment and be willing to have a serious conversation. Talk with your friends about what interesting or new things they are doing to spice up their sex lives. You could learn something or share something useful. If your friends are lame ducks in that department, there are a number of wholesome technique/instructional related articles on the internet or YouTube to help give you ideas. Note: I did not say pornography. Treat sex like any other aspect of your life. There is always room to learn and improve. Whatever new information you acquire, you get to share it – with your partner.
8. Using sex as leverage is an absolute NO. This is a prevailing bad practice which women tend to share with each other. Even the bible says that if you abstain in a relationship, then it should be agreed between both partners. It definitely baffles me that women tend to share destructive things they do in their marriages but are not willing to talk about the things that uplifts just as easily. Sex is not a bargaining tool for either partner. It was meant to build intimacy and engage in pleasure. Once it has become a leverage tool, then sex has start to lose its purpose and this does signal minor issue in the relationship. Plus, it’s very childish which can be demeaning to the other person.
9. Make time for sex. You make time for everything else under the sun (include watching tv shows) but sex gets tossed in the dirty pile and is constantly left there. Sex is Pleasure. How often do you give up a pleasurable food item because “I am too tired; I don’t have time.” If you are constantly busy and tired 24hrs/7 days per week then there are other issues to address. Life requires prioritizing and so does sex with your partner. One partner should not have to beg or make snide comments about lack of sex. If you both were communicating and making time for each other, then this should not be an issue. Oh and quit with the BS about not having time due to kids.
10. The Bedroom is the Couple’s Sanctuary. It has become a disturbing trend in which the marriage bed is crowded with kids and animals. The quickest way to push a marriage apart and kill intimacy is having anything in the middle of the couple (physically, emotionally and psychologically). Unless you live in a tiny one room abode, then the animals and kids should have permanent residence somewhere else in the house at bedtime. A strong relationship with your partner comes from the connection you share. The more things you put in between the couple for an extended time the more problematic it becomes to maintain that strong connection. Spontaneous sex will be dampened/discouraged when you are too concerned about waking dog, cat and children. Oh and teach your kids to knock before entering your bedroom.
11. Communication and Sex. The old phrase about let your body do the talking is… well old. I hate to break it to you but one sex act does not fit all. For e.g. not all men find max pleasure from getting oral sex or not all women like ‘doggy style.’ Each person has different turn ons and turn offs; therefore, the only way to know (not faking) is through communication with each other. A couple who cannot talk frankly about sex is not mature to have sex. This would be the reason why many (mostly) women go through their sexual lives and never experience sexual pleasure because of silence. For e.g. A husband stops having sex with his wife, not because he doesn’t love her, but because she has hygiene issues. A wife says she is tired all the time, not because she is overworked, but because the sex position her husband is fond of does not stimulate her at all.
Communication is the key in every aspect of a relationship and it is no different with sex. The couples with the most pleasurable sex life knows how to communicate their wants in the bedroom. It’s such a simple concept but a difficult feat for so many. For majority of the couples having issues, the underlying problem is a lack of communication-lack of listening and the lack of expressing one’s self. Most relationships can avoid disaster by practicing this one simple tool – learning to listen and to speak. Here are ways to open the conversation: I like it when you (do an act in a certain spot), I am more turned on when you (do this) than when you (do that). If odour is a problem, then make a rule that before sex you both take a shower. To change-up a routine, suggest you love the regular activities but you would like to change it up a little and add something new. Exchange notes with fantasy wishes and talk about how to accommodate each other. KISS.
12. Sexual Confidence. Yes that is a thing. We were not born with the all-knowing how-to-guide on sex. It comes with time and knowing yourself and your partner. Both men and women can become intimidated by performance which can lead to anxiety and poor sexual enjoyment. If this is an issue, talk about sex with your partner – talk before, talk during and talk after. Women are more plagued with this issue because we are not taught to be sexually confident with ourselves and therefore not able to do so with our partners. We were taught to expect the men to do everything. However, a number of men like it when women initiate sexual innuendos, make initial contact or even take charge. It can make men feel desired.
13. Sexual compatibility. In life we tend to do well with things in which we are compatible. Friends, family members, jobs, spouses and sex. Each person has varying degree of libido and interest. I saw a Oprah special about “Where are they now?” in which years ago the woman complained that her hubby was not interested in sex and he agreed. Well, the recent follow-up indicated nothing had changed. She became complacent and accepting of a sexless marriage due to his lack of desire. I do not advocate ‘test driving’ for those who choose abstinence, however I do strongly advocate for communication about your expectations. You do not have to engage in sex to know your sex drive. Unmatched sexual compatibility will result in someone being very dissatisfied in the relationship.
14. Sex Mistakes. Like everything in life sexual screwups happen. A position did not work too well, someone jumped the gun and orgasm early, unforeseen interruptions etc. The good thing about mistakes is to learn from them and do things differently. There is NO place for shaming or belittle when it comes to sex. This is actually a good time to experiment with different things in order to see what makes the menu and what gets thrown out.
15. It’s Ok to Love Sex. If someone admits to loving steak, jet skiing, baseball or a ferret, no one blinks an eye. If that same person admits to love having sex, then it is deviant or frown on. Why? I go back to the shame and embarrassment issue surrounding sex. The fact that most people have engaged in some form of sexual activity should be an indicator of its popularity. However, this normal activity has yet to be normalized in our sexually active world. This is obvious when a recent celebrity couple who choose to engage in abstinence until marriage then disclosed that they had an enjoyable multiple occurence sex-filled honeymoon. The comment section was filled with “TMI” type responses. In my mind, TMI would be going into specific details but not when a married couple express that they had a multi-pleaurable end to a celebration filled day. The fear and myth of sex is so great it’s hard to distinguish normal from deviant. If you love having sex with your partner, then that is a great thing because there are too many sexless or bad sex relationships that have taken the place as the norm.
Now go out and enjoy pleasure filled sex. Feel free to fill in the blanks and share your knowledge to debunk the misconception of sex. Don’t keep the good stuff to yourself.