When Bad Parents Happen to Innocent Kids

I remember the first time I thought that a certain pregnant woman should have aborted her baby. I remember it because my own thoughts shocked me. I am the aunt of 20+, did my babysitting time and changed cloth nappies for a few of them. I loved babies and believed in rainbows and unicorns when it comes to those little darlings.

Then things changed. I was working as a case manager with a woman who had an extensive history of addiction and having babies. All the other kids were taken by CPS. She was pregnant again and was thinking about abortion. I was internally excited for her and then she changed her mind and I felt a distinct sense of sorrow for the baby. I believe I felt a touch of anger too. It has been years but since then, I still have those thoughts and the most recent was for another patient. Luckily she miscarried. Thank God!!! and I hope she is never able to reproduce.

Sure, you might think I am being harsh. However, on those too frequent occasions when bad parents happen to innocent children, then the children suffer significantly. A lot of these children grow up to repeat a vicious cycle of parents who do not know how and chose not to learn how to be good parents. I was just asked for my input on a parent-child relationship issue and my first thought to this young lady is RUN!! Run away from your parent and never look back. My response was more practical because that is what she needed right now but in my experience ‘RUN like the wolves are at your heels’ is in her mentally healthiest interest.  Easier said than done.

Bad parents have caused a sh*t load of damage to so many adults. It is not pretty or wrapped up in some easy to solve situation. It is messy! It changes lives and it leaves a deep scar. It is beyond sad. It is emotionally and psychologically destructive. It is like an erosion which eats away at the person as time passes.

There should be PSAs stating: Not everyone was meant to be parents. Just because you are fertile does not mean you should reproduce.

I have heard it said that people who choose not to have children are selfish. Actually, those are the ones who fully understand the requirements of being a good parent and made the right choice for themselves. By the time a kid is 21, bad parents have inflicted so much damage that it will take another 10+ years (with intervention) to heal and minimize the impact the experiences had on their minds, emotions and choices.  I have seen enough in my short life and sometimes I want to be so rude to say to these potential parents or current parents ‘look at your life. If you are so f**cked up, what the hell do you think you are going to do to  your child?’

If you can’t tell, I get a little riled when it comes to kids. Kids who were not asked to be born in destructive situations. They come into this world and are mistreated by the people who were suppose to love, care and protect them. They learn the sin-produced cruelty of people before they are able to build up a strong foundation. I feel distress for the kids who are and were trapped and can’t run.

Healing is not impossible. With prayer, determination and help, the mistreated child is able to find his or her way to become an emotionally, spiritually and psychologically stable adult who can break the cycle and become a wonderful parent.


Good Mothers Endurance and Love

It is Mother’s Day and I have already called and wished my mother a happy mother’s day. I also texted three other mothers and wish them the same sentiments. Let’s talk about the endurance that is required of a good mother. When I refer to a good mother, I am distinguishing between the egg donors and the women who put a great deal of effort into raising her children. The good mother is a thankless calling most often than not. They have to put in at least 18 years overtime of nurturing, worrying and their hearts and souls into a person who does not always recognize their effort.

Good mothers make sacrifices of which we are not always aware. Their main focus and priority is their children. They give unconditional love with a hope they will get something in return but deep down they know that it does not always turn out that way. Good mothers do not regret being mothers at all. They get sad when they are disappointment in their children but never regret. They still show an enormous amount of love for the child who did not turn out emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually ‘perfect.’ The good mother gives almost everything but does not ask for much in return except for her child to live a good and happy life (and remember she exists more than two times out of the year).

Children can be ungrateful, bitchy, little and sometimes not so little brats and bastards. Growing up we give our mothers grief, back talk, some amount of disrespect, believe that we know more, believe that we don’t need her and believe that life would be better if she was not around to care meddle about your life.

From the beginning, the task of mothering came with a tall order. She had to do all the diaper changes, keeping you from electrocuting, poisoning yourself and all sorts of danger because of a baby’s fascination with something new. She attended to your feedings and worries if you feel ‘a little hot’ on the forehead. She had to chase after you every time you decided to explore a new territory away from her safety zone. She had to deal with first days of schools, new friends and recent enemies anxieties.

She had to especially restrain herself during the ‘I want to slap the shit out of you’ stage called puberty and teenage dramahood. She had to endure attitude changes and watch her child growing up and away. She had to endure a change in the relationship from “mummy mummy I need you” to “I am okay mother, I can do this by myself.” She had to endure you leaving her side to go live your life as an adult. She had to endure not feeling any control and powerless to do things for you when aspects of your life had not gone according to plan. She will continue to endure being a mother in whatever capacity you allow her to be as long as she lives.

Mothers have to endure a great deal of things that we do not understand until either we are in her position as a mother or we are able to reflect on what a pain in the ass we were as children. A good mother is an awesome woman that we often take for granted more than we should but she does not always complain. Thank God for Mother’s Day because it is a reminder that there was a woman who made the choice to do some very wonderful things for us even when  we did not deserve it.


Modern Parents-The First Exposure To Evil

(image copied from olsuit.wordpress)


In the season of remembering a very famous birth (not Santa Clause and presents), one cannot help but look at the parents of Jesus. Mary and Joseph were chosen by God for a reason. Apparently, He saw that these two people would “train up a child in the way he should go,” so that when Jesus was of age he would follow in the path that was meant for him. One might venture to say that without the good parental interventions for Jesus at an early age, he could have been easily dissuaded to choose a more sinister road.

Hannah, Samuel’s mother, was also a good example of a parent taking charge of her child’s life. She saw the importance and the value of her son and her role as a parent. Her best intentions for Samuel was to give him back to God. The saying is being a parent is the most important job anyone could do and they are right. A good parent nurtures the future generation, unfortunately, these recent generation of parents are doing more harm than good.

Instead of trying to protect a child from evil, parents are the ones inflicting hurt, harm and even death to their children. The news has become increasingly saturated with parent killing children or abusing them sexually and physically. In the style of hollywood, the abuse comes in the form of parading the child as a financial commodity, then letting their paid babysitters and agents become pseudo-parents. The children are then lost in an adult world, while the parents bask in the limelight and do their utmost best to become young and free teens again.

Spare the rod and spoil the child is deemed to be the new evil in discipline; however, allowing your child to run loose and have their ‘freedom’ is doing a world of hurt. In the age of political b.s. the true context of that verse has been lost. The point was not about corporal punishment but about effective consequences to a child’s behavior in order for him/her to learn. Many of the parents who cry ‘no spanking’ are some of the same ones who have loss the authority in their household and the child makes the rules while they cower in fear or shame.

Training starts from birth. This is such a foreign concept to new parents it’s mind boggling! Have you ever had to watch a 2 or 3-year-old kick and physically hurt her caregiver while the parent cry and lament “I don’t know what to do?” Coming from a generation in which the belt, firm verbal commands and a host of other disciplinary actions were used, it is safe to say that even the simplest rules of parenting are not passed down from parent to parent  anymore.  This very important cycle has been disrupted due to so many factors. Therefore, the recent generations have no idea what it truly means to be a parent. Having worked with parents and their children from the ages of 2-18 years old, I am convinced that most people should have been blessed with sterility. Yes I said blessed!  Because it is always a blessing when a fool is not allowed to spread its seed.

On the other hand, there should be a thunderous applause with a standing ovation for the people who have decided that parenting is not their cup of tea. These are the people who have actually put some thought into the most difficult job on earth and opted not to take the challenge. However, instead of supporting such a conscious decision, most are greeted with insult and identified as ‘selfish.’ The breeders believe that it is a right for every woman or couple to have a child while the nonbreeder, very rightly, see this as a privilege they choose to deny. Too often, it is the selfish person who decides to give birth because having a baby is the status or what is expected of them instead of thinking about how their parenting choices will affect the life of their child. It takes much more personal strength to admit that being a parent is not your calling in life than to have a child and screw up the job badly then expect someone else to fix the problem.

If the masses were not sure about the state of the youth, the demise of the sturdy family structure is now a source of entertainment (16 and pregnant, teen mom, super nanny, the jersey shore, toddlers and tiara etc.). This is a far cry from the parental expectation of what God had in mind when he chose Mary and Joseph. Children are no longer embarrassed to bring shame to the family (there is still some remnants of family pride in the Asian culture) while parents seem to feel a sense of pride over wtf behaviors. If the first line of defense has been eroded even before the child is old enough to be aware, then what is left to protect the future generation? The majority seem to fall into two styles of parenting: The absent parent or the fearful parent. I say bring back the literal rod and beat the ass of the child and the parents. There are so many of them that could use it.


Is Being A Single Mother The Right Choice?

The phrase “children are our future” may sound cliché but it is very accurate. Parents have the burden to raise their children as individuals who will carry on after we are gone. At times I do wonder what the world will be like when the younger group, who can be so self-absorbed, become the leaders of the world. I should be very jaded about the future, about becoming a parent because of my job and my daily witness of children who scare me now. I can predict what they will be like by the time they are 18 years old.

The fact is despite the things I have to manage in my job, I have  not lost the desire to be a parent.  I have known many women and a few men who are single parents by default. I have heard their difficult stories of having to be the main provider of everything: finances, love, encouragement, discipline etc. I have seen parents put their lives on hold for their children. On the flip side, I have also witnessed men who should have never been able to produce viable sperm or women who should have been sterile or not allowed to keep their child(ren).

I made the decision many years ago that being pregnant and producing a biological offspring is not for me. However, at the same time, I vowed that I would be a mother but through adoption. When I made this decision, I was in my 20’s and the expectation was I would be a married parent. However, since life does not always turn out how we expect it, I have made the decision to be a single parent.

I do not know how many people are fully aware of the process of adoption but it is the most intrusive, stressful, frustrating and disappointing process. I usually scoff at those people who judge others who choose to adopt overseas. The scoffers are the ones who have the image that you can go to a hospital or a ‘orphanage’ and pick a kid from the line up then go home and all is well with the world. They don’t have a clue!

For some of us singles, there is the feeling of being forced into the option of single parenting because we are getting older, waiting for Mr Compatible may never happen or will come along much later in life, and we want to enjoy motherhood while we are still mentally and physically capable. I know some people may criticize that this is being selfish. However, I do not think it is anymore selfish than a couple wanting a child.

The choice to be a single parent is the biggest, scariest and most important decision I have made in my 30 something years. Even though I am not blind to the problems that comes with this choice, I do know that I will be an excellent parent and this is the right choice for me.