People in Relationships Overly Concerned With Singles

In case you did not know and the blog page did not tip you off, I am single actually terminally single. In my opinion that status is neither good nor bad but just is what it is. I feel a certain amount of comfort with that status and I see the green side of the grass as well as the brown side of the grass that comes with being single. So, why is it that couples/people in relationships, whether new or old, seem to have such a difficulty accepting and being comfortable with other’s single status particularly with single women? What is so threatening or frightening about being single? Let me compile a few things I have heard and noticed about couples’ behaviors towards singles.

People in relationships think it is their God given right to “set you up” and get you coupled

People in relationships think that because you are single, then ANY other single person will make the best match for you

People in relationships think your life will be so much happier with someone/anyone

People in relationships suddenly know what’s best for your life

People in relationships “can’t understand why you are single because you are such a nice person”

People in relationships do not think singles will fit in with their family lifestyle and are excluded from social events

People in relationships assume singles are avid partiers and have wild random sex ie. promiscuous

People in relationships think that singles cannot possibly understand when they are having difficulties in their relationships

People in relationships think singles will feel bad/sad/sorry for themselves if they talk about their relationships in your presence; so they avoid sharing anything about their relationships

A person who is in a new/early relationship suddenly think singles will be jealous so they avoid discussing their relationships

People in relationships believe that their relationships are so unique that every single person wants what they have/admire their relationship

People in relationships believe that every conversation with you should center around solving your singleness

People in relationships assume that singles are not working hard enough to end their singleness

People in relationships assume that you cannot be genuinely happy for them in their relationships

People in relationships assume singles cannot be truly contented and are faking it until they find their own relationships

…and so on

The funny thing is if you are a Christian then you know that Jesus and most of his disciples were single. Actually the God-head is single. The reality is there are a lot of singles who are more comfortable as singles than what society wants everyone to believe. Happiness is not about being single or married because misery lives in both camps. What I find very interesting is these behaviors are not just confined to couples who have been together since puberty but new couples pick up those very nasty judgmental and exclusionary habits too.  In my personal experience, I try not to react negatively. However, what some of these couples do not realize is that while I am happy for them I do not want their relationships. NEWSFLASH Your life is NOT that special above my own. The ludicrous concept that my marital status is the only thing that puts me in a one-down position is more of a personal problem for others.

If I am going to be single until the day I die, then so be it. If I am to get married in the future, then so be it. These are all just one aspect of my life. God blessed me with one life to live and I will do the best that I can whether single or married. So, if you happen to be reading this, in a relationship and recognize that you are guilty of being a couple snob, please quit with your BS.

Abstinence In A Sexualized World

Surfed the internet lately? If yes, then you may have seen a few headlines relating to sex in the Christian community. First, there was the Duggar’s older son inappropriate sexual touching before he was married, Billy Graham’s grandson’s infidelity in a crumbling marriage, and Bristol Palin announcing her 2nd out-of-wedlock pregnancy despite being a public advocate for abstinence. In the old days, all these visible Christians would have been publicly shamed for the rest of their lives.

The reality is we are all sinners, prone to temptation, and each and every one of us have committed sins and will commit sins in our lives. Welcome to the reason why the Bible talks about redemption. Despite knowing that, I do get a sick pleasure when limelight Christians screw up. Why is that? Because it shows that no one is immune and we need to be careful of our actions when we decide to put ourselves in the forefront as perfect Christian leaders.

Let’s chat about abstinence . First, let me say that I do not believe in abstinence only education. Our society is not set up to re-enforce that concept. Second, abstinence does not address some important biological and situational nuances that typically lead to breaking that vow. Third, abstinence is a difficult practice to maintain especially the more sexually charged you are and the length of your intimate relationship.

I believe there are two kinds of abstinence: one is the letter of the law abstinence and the other is the spirit of the law abstinence. When people talk about abstinence they are referring to no sexual penetration using the male and female sex organs. Therefore, if two people in a relationship never have coitus, then they have fulfilled the letter of the abstinence law. This letter of the abstinence law is very important for virgins and those who want to remain “pure” until marriage. However, the spirit of the abstinence law is very different. This is in reference to ALL sexualized behaviors ie. mutual masturbation, over and under the clothes touching of breast and genitals, anal sex, oral sex, foreplay and everything that stops short of penetration. If Christians should be judge by the spirit of the abstinence law, then a great number would be found guilty.

I applaud the concept of no sex before marriage. It’s a great idea for a number of reasons; however, by the time most couples get to their wedding night they have already engaged in various sexualized behaviors “to take the edge off,” and the only thing left is the grand finale. True abstinence is not an easy feat. Christian couples engage in the same dating style such as spending quality and alone time with their partners. Like all relationships, the two people are instinctively and biologically sexually drawn to each other, and each intimate alone time breaks down the abstinence defenses.

When was the last time you went on a date with a chaperone? Do you always kiss your partner on the cheek with a side hug? When the phone conversation turns intimate do you stop and say “God would not approve because we are not married?” or have you instituted a rule that you don’t talk in the bedroom and not past a certain hour? When was the last time that the most intimate thing you did with your partner was holding hands for longer than 5 minutes?

If true abstinence is to be practiced, then the Christian couple has to become puritanical in every sense of the word. If you cannot do that, then it’s time to have the talk (You should have had this talk already if you decided to be in a long-term relationship). The talk should involve what to do if you can’t wait or the it-just-happened moment. It’s time to have the real sex talk and not the ignorant watered down ‘Christian’ version. The version in which birth control and pregnancy are a reality. The version in which when things go too far how do you work through it instead of being riddled with guilt, shame and sometimes blaming.

It’s obvious that Ms Palin, the abstinence advocate, found her own message difficult to uphold – twice. If it was not for the pregnancies, which is how most Christian couples are outed, she would have been able to hide the hypocrisy. I could take cheap shots at her; however, her failures show the holes in the modern-day abstinence message. I do believe that most Christians are very sincere when they take on the abstinence challenge. However, they fail to see and prepare for the inevitable obstacle which is to underestimate how strong one’s normal sexual desires can be in the presence of romantic partner.

For those who intend on practicing the abstinence spirit of the law, I wish you God speed because you will need it. I also wish that you put in place preventive methods instead of reactive measures. Abstinence in a relationship is a good thing; however, ignoring one’s natural sexual urges will make it a feat to truly accomplish in avoiding ALL forms of sexual activities before marriage.

Unstable and Accepting

Insight and introspection are the greatest gifts to one’s self. Due to certain career training, as I have mentioned in previous posts, I am forced to look inward and become aware of me. Sometimes I do not like what I see. I can have a vengeful heart; I am ready to cut people out of my life in an instant; I am ready to think the worst of people; I am very guarded, and I struggle to forget and most importantly, forgive.

On the other hand, there are lots of things I love about myself. I love my dry no nonsense personality, I love self-discovery, I love my independence and my ability to be resilient. I love that I am smart.  I love the fact that I can be compassionate and giving. While these do not cancel out the negative things, they give me reasons to be thankful to God.

Since I was young, there is one thing I know about myself and it is the excitement of being fluid whether with people, place, or thing. It yells freedom to me. In my adult years, I have come to accept that I can be “unstable.” Being in one place, accustomed to one thing, and routines become old. Even though I have tried to change (maybe somewhat tried), I have accepted that I really need change in my life even if it is small.

Of everyone that I know, unless you are military, most people strive to have consistency in where they live, their jobs, people in their lives and things in their lives. While I do not find that to be boring per say, I do get antsy with the thought of being stuck.

In the recent months, I have moved states, changed jobs, semi-resume my career, and now have a new agenda for my life. For most people, this seem like too much flurry of activities and this can create anxiety. However, for this unstable woman, it’s all a part of my life. The downside to being so unstable is that I lose the comfort of close family and friends. I have to start all over with bonding which is difficult for me. I had also accepted that this unstable view of life was the main reason for never wanting to get married since I was a child. I could not fathom being ‘stuck.’ While I am happy for those who embrace this way of life, at this moment, it does not seem to be written in my stars.

What does this mean for long term relationships. Only God knows :-) . Really! only he knows. I have resolved to put relationship issues in God’s hands. While this might seem like a passive way of dealing with my relationship instability, it is the best option on the table. I know and accept that the problem is me. I have been told a number of times that once I find ‘the right person’ then I will change. Meh!! Que sera sera. The only thing I know is that God gave me life and as he continues to bless me with life, then I will continue to live it to the fullest (whatever that maybe for me).

If you are a planner, then plan. If you are a little freer, then go with it responsibly. There are a few things I truly want out of life-to enjoy God’s blessings and give thanks, health of my parents for many years to come, and trustworthy people around me who have my six and I have theirs.

God bless you all and enjoy the life He gave you.


I am a Sinner

I am a Sinner with a capital S. This is not a proud status but it certainly is a very real status. In my current state, I will not be one of the 144,000 mentioned in the Book of Revelation. In my current state, I will not be one of the righteous in the first resurrection. In my current state, I will more likely be in the group with the other people. You know, the group in which most religious people either do not mention or speak of badly.

How do I know that I am a sinner? The Bible of course. When Christians read the Bible, they do not imagine themselves being in the group of others. They imagine themselves sitting at the feet of God with a goofy smile in an all-white and bright paradise. If one listens very carefully, Christians will admit to being sinners but not really. They admit it only in the context in which the Bible says we are sinners and lost because of our human nature which was corrupted in the garden. There are other passages that noted we are born in sin and shaped in inequity or that section which reads not one is righteous except….

I can list all my sins to myself and God. I know when I am trying to justify something that is Biblically contradictory. I really do know but in order to stay out of the other group I lie to myself. Every now and then (actually a lot more than I want to admit), I am totally comfortable with lying to myself. I give it some time before I am slapped in the face with the Biblical truth and that becomes the ‘O shit, my bad” moment. You know, the log in the eye analogy. Yep, I can admit to having the log-in-my-eye infection (I guarantee that it comes without the fishy odour).

I am the antithesis of a true Christian believer and here are some of the reasons. If you missed most of my blog entries, I have been on church sabbatical for a few years with an occasional appearance. I cannot stand religious rhetoric (oddly I can manage other rhetoric but less tolerant when it comes to Christianity). If being a believer is a matter of life or death, then speak to me plainly in basic and raw human needs and I will understand and show more respect. There is a time for everything under the sun. There is a time to be highfalutin and there is a time to keep it simple stupid (KISS). I really detest majority Christian gatherings because there is a ridiculous and compulsive need to be the perfect Christian. It’s hard to see the real person. This is either a gift or curse but most often than not I am usually able to detect bullshit and can be easily repelled.

I am the antithesis of a true Christian believer because there are aspects of the Bible that does not ‘sit well’ with me. If I could get away with just doing ‘good deeds,’ and having my own private Father-daughter time with God, then I would be the best Christian ever. Do not be mistaken, there are amazing aspects to Christianity – the love from wonderful people, the caring for others, someone on high looking out for your best interest in the afterlife etc. If that was all there was to making it through the Pearly gates, then I would definitely be the first in line.

I am a defiant person who still believes in Christianity. I see the value and the benefit in having a belief in God; however, I am still defiant to certain things which therefore puts me in the group with the others. My sins are my own and I take full responsibility (as I should) for every single one of them. Even if I did get my act fully on God’s track, I would still not be a typical Christian. I know that I do not fit into that box. I am a sinner and not in that stupid religious cliché term. I am the real deal – you know, the ones that Jesus died for on the cross but too stubborn to get it right. I have no intentions of bullshitting anyone with a pretty picture of me. What you see and hear is exactly as is (I am still allowed to have my own personal secrets), take it or leave it because I may not be a proud sinner but I am certainly not hiding or pretending.



Declaring God Under Fire

I have been known to wake up from odd dreams every now and again. This morning was one such situation. Besides it being annoying to have my sleep disturbed, the dreams usually put me in a state of great contemplation about my life existence.

This dream in question had a religious focus. In the dream, I was in a bedroom with my older sister and we are awake in a dark room after hearing a noise. I move to lock two doors and we listen intently for something going on outside the bedroom. There is a sense of life threatening fear and in the dream, I realize that this threat was due to religion – more specifically it was our Christian belief. Apparently, we try to secure ourselves from Billy Graham who is wearing an old nazi era German uniform.

The scene jumps to me walking alone downhill on a long road and I pass an abandon car on the side with a man who looks like Denzel Washington slumped over the dash with a bullet in his head. I pass the vehicle only to see Denzel getting up to talk to me – he was pretending to be dead.  He is telling me that people were being separated and he made his escape. The dream implies Denzel and I share the same Christian belief. We see a group of 3 average women with rifles coming and we hide but not very well. The women ask us about the location of a specific person in which I vaguely answer and one woman informs us that we need to be careful and then I wake up.

My dreams are most often weird but I can usually remember a specific theme. In this dream, there is a religious persecution theme much like Hitler to the Jews. I typically wake up thinking about my spirituality and relationship with God. I could not help but think that if my life was in danger due to my belief would I deny God?

It is so easy to be a devoted Christian during times of peace. However, would that be the same if my life depended on it? Would I be one of those denying Christ just like Peter when I am under duress? We would all like to think we are the exception to the rule; however, I can truly say that I do not know what my answer would be if faced with religious persecution.

The idea of death can be very scary even for a devoted Christian. We value life so much despite having a steadfast belief that there are better things to embrace with God. I can admit to being a religious scaredy cat when it comes to death. I think the fear of death, even with a promise of paradise, comes from our value we place on this world. I think there is an underlying belief that if we are no longer present in the world we will be missing a whole lot of stuff.

The other side effect to the religious dreams is a quick overview of my daily value in life. While we still have to live in this world, the Bible does tell us to focus on things above. Such dreams usually call into question the frivolousness of my ‘important stuff’ that does not seem to have much value in comparison to what God is offering. The dreams are usually an intermittent reminder that there is a greater force in charge and I need to get my relationship with God in order.

For every one of my random religious dreams, there are many people in different parts of the world who are forced to choose due to their Christian allegiance. I do not know the true meaning of religious persecution; however, many others at this moment can attest to it or have lost their lives for it. I feel blessed to have religious liberty; however, it does behoove us to really ask ourselves the question of what would we do if our lives depend on acknowledging or deny our relationship with the Christian God.

God’s Plans Are His Not Mine

The Bible says very clearly that God has HIS plans for us. He is the author of HIS creation and therefore knows how it will all end. We are here to fall in line.

It amuses me when people testify that God answered their prayers or believers share an enthusiastic belief that God has great things planned for their lives. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that in HIS great plan there are some people who are destined to play certain roles in this game of good vs. evil. God already knows the beginning from the end; He sees what’s in the heart; so it stands to humanly reason that our prayers (God knows what we want even before we ask) are mere ritualistic tribute.

Prayer is comforting. I still do it and it typically sounds more like a one sided conversation. I do not go into details about what I do/don’t want anymore because He already knows. He also knows whether he will give or not give it to me. He knows if he will give me something completely different from what I have been asking. He can even give me something I never thought about. The prayer is merely for my peace of mind and trying to keep some connection. I usually end my prayer with something like “well it’s all up to you” or “if it’s your will.” This is not a flippant ending but an acknowledgement that I do believe God is in charge of everything – whether I wake up in the morning, my next job, my family circumstances etc.

Since childhood, I have been given various images of God. The one image that still lasts even until today is very closely related to a depiction of Zeus with his lightening bolt. As I got older, God was simultaneous presented like a loving father as well. As much as I have tried, I never saw God as a father or at least not in the sense that the clergy wants us to see HIM. I have no face, no voice, no concrete personal experiences to which I can attribute a father role. All I was given are Bible stories. To me, God is the Creator who requires a level of obedience in order to be on his heaven list. I respect HIS intricate handiwork which can be magnificent – take a moment to look at a perfectly crafted baby or a sunset. I respect HIS desire for his human creations to show love to each other at all times. However, feeling a sense of emotional love, which is required, is difficult. It’s the equivalent of falling madly in love with some guy whom I have never seen or heard but only received letters about his life as inspired by others. Love in the face of pure absence is HIS plan not mine.

I do believe that we are either playing God’s game, the devil’s game or a mixture of both. If I had my say, then I would prefer just God’s game – the one where he wants all to experience no more tears or death. Unfortunately, there is a sourpuss running around mucking things up (Peter did say that the devil is like a roaring lion seeking those he can devour). There is no such thing as our game or true free will. We play a part that is already controlled by one party or the other (yikes, it’s starting to sound like the Matrix).

The world is chaotic which is nothing new and the Christians are still preaching the signs of the times. Actually, they have been preaching it since ages past. Everyone seem to think they have deciphered the mind of God. Each religion and each branch of every religion seem to believe they cornered God’s absolute truth. They are so sure they speak the will of God whether in showing kindness or atrocities. If you step back far enough, one can see that the same ‘play’ has been used over and over since the dawn of time. Its HIS plan not ours.

It is still HIS plan whether we like it or not. It is his plan whether we pray or not, whether we believe or not, and whether we are on the good or the bad side. Despite my tenuous relationship with God, I don’t ever forget that he exists (that is my faith) and I will certainly never forget that HE is in full control no matter what happens or what we think we want.

NOTE: I did not add any scriptures because I do believe most Christians have scoured their Bibles and have read the references. However, if anyone do need chapter and verse, then I will be happy to supply.

Getting The Temple Into Shape

“…Your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost….”1 Corinthians 6:19; 2 Corinthians 6: 16 is a very well know verse in the Christian world. People tend to use this verse to rebuke things such as premarital sex, drinking, drugs, certain food etc. However, I thought a twist on this would help motivate the single men and women in waiting.

When I started blogging, I was in my early 30’s and as time passed, I have moved closer to my early 40’s. This aging process has taken its toll on my body. Being single, I do not have the luxury of ‘letting myself go’ in case I decide to do a late in life husband hunt. My metabolism have slowed significantly; the muffin top is not only here but expanding; I am noticing cellulite;  and the c-cup breasts are requiring very sturdy bras to keep them looking perky. I am watching my caloric intake more often than I desire and I am working out longer and more frequently than was needed prior to my 30’s.  Taking care of my physical sexiness has jumped steadily up my priority list because aging is not very kind to the body. What makes things worse are that these changes are so much more highlighted in this appearance-obsessed generation which makes people like myself a bit self-conscious. So, what’s an aging woman to do?

Exercising and eating right have not been a big emphasis in Christendom. Besides references to gluttony in Catholicism, many Christians do not spend enough time getting their temple into a fit and  healthy shape. In all my years, there have only been a handful of sermons that taught the followers of God to be mindful of what they eat or discussed the importance of consistent exercise.

Being single gives you more time to do nice things for yourself. What is better than getting healthy and turning that body into a good-looking temple? Please note that I did not say women should be thin or men should be muscular. I have admitted that the healthy in-shape body is attractive to me. If that is my preference, then I too need to make a good effort to maintain a healthy and in shape body.

In the US, consumption of food is no longer just for sustenance. Eating has become so out of control which has resulted in anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, emotional eating, and food obsession. There are low carbs, no carbs, low fat diets and every day someone discovers a super food or a new product/diet  that will help transform you into a runway model. The pathway to being healthy has nothing to do with being a bobble headed women on a stick body. The pathway to healthy is choosing a lifestyle that will benefit inside and out.

While I do support the big is beautiful campaign, there is a line that many women cross from being healthy to unhealthy. Years ago, I was walking behind a former coworker who could only fit in stretchy pants. I could not help but notice how much she waddled and her derriere was so large I knew that I could fit into one leg of her pants with room. It does both disgusts and saddens me to see men and women in this state. There are only a handful of people who can legitimately claim an illness for their current defilement of their temple.

Choosing the right foods, eating in moderation, and engaging in exercise takes motivation, work, time and energy. There are times when I am so lazy that weeks have passed without working out or I was not consistent with my exercise schedule. I do become bored with my routine-I have done kickboxing, zumba, spin, yoga, taebo, belly dancing, walking and other regiments in order to mix it up and keep it interesting. Like many people, I absolutely hate to exercise. However, while in my 20’s, I decided that I needed to start taking more interest in being healthy so it would be less hassle to stay in shape as I aged. This idea started a trend that involved incorporating mandatory exercise (gym or home) one specific day and time once a week into my normal routine. The rest of the week was flexible. This worked for many years until I became lazy within the last year. This idea ensured that at least one day out of the week, I focused at least 30+ minutes on my health.

Eating is something we have to do every day. The problems with eating are our food choices and portion size. I am a main course eater who likes larger portions. In times passed, I could afford to eat for two without weight gain; however, those days are gone. I have now incorporated words like ‘doggy bag’ and ‘salads’ into my vocabulary. I absolutely refuse to give up complex carbs and good tasting foods but I have learn to curb my appetite. While I am not a calorie counter, I am mindful of my consumption and accepting that there are times I will ‘fall off the wagon.’

All this attention is for me. This is not to conform to the outside pressures of physical beauty or mate attraction. It is all for me, myself and I. If I feel good about my temple, then I feel more confident. While society is more focused on the difference between size 4 and size 8, taking care of the temple is about healthy lifestyle choices. It’s about being the sexiest you can be with a healthy and beautiful body.

The Pedestal Christian

I recently traveled to visit a friend and her husband. The couple is in their 60’s, very active, and is a devoted Christian. They reside in a primarily Christian community with a Christian college in the vicinity. During this trip, I learnt a few things in relation to practicing Christianity.

I broke my sabbatical and did attend church partly as a courtesy to my hosts. I had always liked the church, which was located on the school campus, so it did not take much prodding to go. I am going to list a few thing that stood out to me during my visit.

1. Practicing faith without being obnoxious. The couple was more than ‘one day’ Christians. They were always generous, ready to help, giving, and accommodating whenever possible. This is impressive because many religious people do not see the need to be Christians apart from the day they worship or during church sanctioned engagements. I like the fact that their ‘works’ were integrated in their personal lives and they did not feel the need to be at church 24-7. There are Christians so addicted to the building that they forget their Christianity exists outside of those walls and they are meant to share their knowledge with others.

2. Christian hypocrisy is so blaring we sometimes do not recognize it. According to one of the students, the Christian school was so insistent on their students not ‘touching’ alcohol to the point that they have pushed things to the extreme. The new students were taught that if the college authorities find out that they were in the presence of alcohol (not drinking) or if they were found to have used alcohol, then they can be suspended. The funny thing is the school is surrounded by many wineries. You can not ‘spit too far’ without hitting a vineyard. While I understand the school rules regarding no alcohol on campus, they should have taken this opportunity to educate these young adults on abstinence from alcohol AND drinking responsibly (off campus) while using an accountability buddy. The Christian school is setting up a false sense of security that does not exist in the real world unless you belong to the Duggar family.

3.  Hypocrisy continues. I was in the company of a group of people and the topic briefly referred to homosexuals. There was a late 20’s young male who was very quick to make disparaging statements and what he would do to them. Interestingly, this young person was recently baptised but the kicker is he is a recently recovering substance addict, whose family is still addicted, and he has a child with a woman out-of-wedlock. He really missed the plank in his eye and the lesson about love. Teaching Christians the ways of God in practical sense is very important. I think he truly believed that his statements were religiously justified and sadly most believers would support his views without recognizing the hypocrisy.

4. Religion teachings need to reflect the changing times.  The sermon was about showing kindness and the pastor told two stories in which Christians had failed miserably. The first was a young unwed woman who became pregnant and the pastor of her church refused to bless the baby due to the mother’s status and to add insult another ‘good Christian’ referred to her child as a ‘bastard’ in the presence of the baby and a family member. The second story was of another pastor who refused to bless a baby because his/her parents were of the same-sex.

I was so moved and impressed by the pastor when he said that the Christians in those instances had failed in exemplifying God’s teachings of kindness. As a pastor, he would rather have everyone in his church in which he can continue to preach God’s love. He pointed out that if each of our lives were opened to the public, then many ‘good Christians’ would be shamed. We (I include myself) are so quick to throw the good book at people who make mistakes or those who do not fit in a religiously perfect category but instead we need to use God as an example when he called all the sinners to Him and ignored the self-proclaimed religiously pious.

5. Ssshhhh Sex . It seems I am not able to run away from this topic :-) . During the same conversation about the Christian school’s stance on alcohol, I asked what did they say on sex. The new student said they barely even mention anything on sex. Of course, I find this funny and not surprising. I noted that during my enrollment at the school, there were two girls who were obviously pregnant and there were occasional condoms found in parking lots. I would like to clarify that the pregnancies were not virginal insemination and human males were identified as the fathers. I would also like to note that none of these girls were married. Ignorance is Christian bliss.

6. Sex is nasty even to married Christians. I was having a conversation with the married friend which was in reference to visitors to her home being respectful according to her religious beliefs. She was telling a story that she did not allow her daughter, who was engaged at the time, to be under the same roof with her fiance in order to deflect temptation to do “nasty stuff.” I chuckled to myself by her choice of word to describe sex. Even though I found it funny, it did sadden me because she perpetuated the same ‘sex is dirty’ idea that most Christians believe.

I do think that Christianity teachings need to be more applicable to the current stressors that we face. While the abstinence (from evil) message is good, that does not help those who are struggling with being faithful.  I in no way am stating that we need to change the Bible to suit our needs; however, it’s a pastor/teacher’s duty to quit hiding in the dark ages and preach applicable messages.

I had the pleasure of enjoying my time with people I consider to be good solid Christians. While they are not perfect, it is nice to have a living practicing example of what good Christian character should resemble.


Is Long Term Monogamy Natural?

To quote from the Princess Bride “…Mawwage that w(bl)essed arrangement, that dweam within a dweam and w(l)ove, true wove will follow you foreva…so treasure your wafe….” Yep, I do love that movie and Mel Brooks is a comedy genius. Even though marriage has become some what of a farce in pop culture, I still believe in its sanctity and intrinsic meaning. I still believe that marriage stands for something. However, in order to weather the passage of time, many married couples face the challenge of staying in long term monogamous relationships.

My initial post was entitled “So how many ex-wives do you have” and then a friend texted me with a note on whether monogamy is truly possible. It got me thinking about the correlation of long term monogamy and the number of exs. Do people with more exs have problems being faithful or sticking with only one?

Within the last two years, I have met two men with multiple ex-wives. Guy #1 is probably in the process of seeking wife numero 4 and Guy#2 is 3 years in with wife number 4.  Ironically, I was also sitting across from a Guy #3 who started his married life in his 20’s and is still married to his wife of 16 years. What they have in common is that all three men started their marriage journey at a young age. What makes these men so different is the way they managed their relationships. When Guy #1 first told me he had 3 failed marriages I actually started laughing because I thought he was joking. After all, these sorts of things was for Hollywood types.

Long term monogamy, the ability to stick to one partner over an extended period of time, seems to be very challenging for so many people. Is the idea that the grass is always greener with someone else? At least  until the new person gets old. Even our religious forefathers had difficulty holding on to one person.  King David, in his old and dying years, took a very young wife for his comfort. What happened to the “old wives?” The greatest evidence for the difficulty of monogamy is prostitution. The word on the street is that it’s the oldest profession which has endured the test of time and many marriages.

Is it natural to wake up next to the same person every day, sharing the same space every day, being accustom to this permanent fixture in your life until death? How do you stop yourself from getting bored or disinterested?

Monogamy is relative. It’s relative to the people entering in the relationship, their frame of mind about the relationship and their resiliency to be committed. Divorce happens because of a failure from both individual. Monogamy is possible (without infidelity). Monogamy is a realistic expectation for those people who are honest and committed. Our culture has bred an instant gratification generation. This has spilled over into intimate relationships.

Men can be faithful. Actually, the good men are faithful in the face of temptation. Even  though many people are opting out of marriage, they are still involved in romantic relationships which are very short lived and probably doomed from the first hello. The point is monogamy is very natural; however, not everyone chooses to be.

Is An Assertive Woman An Abomination?

The ultimate image in assertiveness. Malala Yousafzai –  who was shot for having a voice.

Christianity esteems women who ‘know their place.’ Usually that means a woman who says yes to almost everything her husband says, who is Suzie Homemaker, has a very soft-spoken voice, meek to a fault, her opinions are marginal, and excessively devoted to all things religious. At least that is the stereotype.

What I find to be a bit interesting is that many women who took center stage in the Bible had some traits that are not normally attributed to Christian women. Eve was curious, exploratory, a little independent and defiant. Ruth was cunning, strong, and industrious. Rahab and Mary Magdalene were survivors who became involved in an industry that could have gotten them killed. Hannah was a very determined woman. Esther a strategic thinker.

I have said from the dawn of time that I will never date or become involved with a pastor or anyone who aspires to be one. Why? Well, I know that I would have the poor man disgraced and kicked out of his church :-). I can be opinionated, argumentative and confrontational. I question things because that is my nature. I am sure as people see those words they imagine me as a horrible person no one wants to be around and possibly the reasons why I am still single. LOL.

I have come to relish straight talk and being clear and open. Opinionated means exactly that I have an opinion that may agree or disagree with someone else’s. I love hearing other people’s views because it allows me see other’s world view and share my own. Argumentative does not always mean shouting or anger. Lawyers, columnist, debate teams have great skills when it comes to being argumentative and so do you when someone tells you there is no God. Confrontation does not also mean anger or maliciousness. In therapy, confrontation denotes challenging a client on damaging behaviors or thoughts in order to help awareness and insight. These are all behaviors we do with friends, family and coworkers; however, they are not attributes that are appreciated in women especially those in the church.

My college professor once told me (after reviewing a psych test I completed for our undergrad class) that I seem to have a problem with authority. I promptly told him no but I will disagree with anyone if I think he/she is wrong. Years later I still remember that and chuckle because there is some truth to his assessment.

People tend to confuse assertive with aggressive; however, these are two different concepts. You can check the dictionary for the distinction. An assertive man is valued because he’s considered a strong man; however, an assertive woman is considered a difficult bitch by both genders. I remember once either reading or hearing a pastor’s wife said she did not argue or defy her husband on a specific issue even though she knew he was wrong. She felt that it was her place and God sanctioned to allow her husband to be wrong and subsequently failed then he learned the lesson more effectively than if she contradicted him. My first thought was “both you and your husband are idiots.” There seem to a prevailing idea that an assertive (not aggressive) woman wants to challenge the manhood of a man. However, I see things as if a man is afraid of an assertive woman, then he needs to rethink his strength, rethink his self-esteem, and self-image as a man. More than likely, he will still have these feelings even around assertive men.

The stupid stuff that we often times tag to God amazes me to no ends. There seems to be a great limitation when it comes to women’s personality traits. We are relegated to a handful and anything outside of that is deemed negatively – Satan inspired. Frankly, I like being assertive. I like getting my points and opinions across to those around me and I like hearing others views as well. I like the fact that people have a better understanding of me and not some false impression of what others think a woman should be. I have great respect for pastors’ wives. Their facade is flawless in public and it keeps them within tradition and expectation of their roles. Or could it be that pastors marry women who already have a quiet and agreeable personality which fits into the image?

It has always been sad and frustrating when to see women who have their own thoughts and opinions and are so afraid or ‘shy’ to speak. There are lots of evidence as to why the ‘quiet’ woman is the first  of whom to be taken advantage, the ones who suffer in silence, the ones whose needs are never met, and who harbour some unhappiness due to all or some of the above.

The interesting thing is Christian women do not fit into one mold no more than all women are the same. There are guidelines for Christian women’s behaviors; however, it falls on a spectrum not a fixed point. Frankly, I would love to see more assertive women in the church because they would have a lot to offer to the old and new Christian women  in the organization. They would even reeducate Christian men to the diversity of personalities of good Christian women.

Find and use your voice.