Misconceptions of Sex?


Of everything in the Bible and the modern world, sex has stood the test of time to be the most vilified and misinterpreted act. Yet, it is still an intriguing activity in which  probably 99.9% humans and 100% lower animals engage. Frankly, we could have a conversation about poop more easily than sex. Why is that?

For the religious folks, obviously when God created Adam and Eve, He used the act of sex to be the vector in which to populate the earth.  I can speculate that he surely was not thinking ‘listen heavenly host, I am going to introduce some vile and disgusting method to usher in generations upon generations.’ I mean if you thought about it, God could have come up with another non-penetrating way in order to procreate. Instead, He thought it was a brilliant idea for two people to get the closest you could possible be to another human being AND he added some easily excitable nerve endings to both genitalia in order to have…. wait for it…. pleasure.

I am not sure which part makes people uncomfortable. Is it the intimacy or the pleasure? My conversational library is filled with everything known to man – nothing is too (fill in the blanks) to talk about with adults. However, most adults who are sexually active or will be sexually active find it hard to talk about sex. Ironically, sex permeates our lives and can become an issue if left desolate in relationships.  Yes, a single gal will be talking frankly about sex – deal with it or stop reading. So in the words of Salt-N-Pepper Let’s Talk About Sex.

1. Sex is NOT dirty or shameful. Yes it’s a fluid, sticky, sweaty situation – showers were invented to clean up and washing machines for your sheets. I can’t possibly say anything more about this. It’s either you believe it or not.

2. Everyone is not a  virgin. Have you ever met a married woman or a mother who becomes most shocked when sex becomes a topic? I almost want to slap them (not advocating violence) because if you are in either of those categories, then the whole world KNOWS you had at least 1 encounter with the penis kind. Men don’t have this problem and will never be in such denial.

3. Sex is Pleasure and Pleasure is Good. I acknowledge that due to various circumstances some women and men have difficulty experiencing sex as pleasure. On the other hand, for a large group of people, they chose sex to be a duty. Good sex provides great benefits for the individual and the couple. It was meant to be enjoyed by BOTH. Besides pleasure, it’s also meant to be a fun activity. When you see and experience sex as a good thing, then it becomes incorporated in your relationship as something to look forward to with each other. Anyone who has experienced an orgasm will attest to the pleasure. If you are having difficulty finding sex as pleasurable then move to suggestion #4.

4. Spice and Imagination are Highly Encouraged. Think of sex this way – most people like certain foods, for me it’s chicken; however, if I had baked chicken cooked the same way every time, I would get sick of it. Sex can and does get boring when you keep it in the same place and same position every time. SNORE! Seriously, there are numerous ways to have an orgasm. This hinderance to use one’s creativity in the bedroom comes from the shame and embarrassment of sex. I am not talking about 50 Shades of Grey BDSM but making simple changes to sexual positions, spice up the foreplay, use a different location in the bedroom or house. Take a sex-vacation to put some fire back into the bedroom.

Women Get Your Sexy On. It’s a repeatedly proven fact that it does not take much to get men excited. Do I have to repeat that ladies? Better yet, you repeat that to yourself. Forget about the perfect body BS. If your man is sexually attracted to you (80% of the battle is won), then your body is the sexiest thing on earth which will drive him wild.  So, muster up your sexual confidence and start adding something new such as: Initiating sex, engage in intimate massage, play dress up with the items in your home (who knew a colander could be sexy), use some sexy play on words (all pun intended), take a pole dancing or chair dancing class and show case your skills, leave him a note about your fantasy, smack his tush as he walks by or better yet smack yours  with a little wiggle and see where that gets you… etc. Get the idea!!! KISS-Keep It Simple Stupid.

Men, you are not off the hook. It takes a lot more than flashing your penis to get a woman excited. Women want to feel loved, sexy and appreciated. Lead with that and encourage her to get out of her sex shell. Foreplay! Foreplay! Foreplay! Your hands and lips are magic so learn to use them wisely. If you like to shake your booty, then watch a little Magic Mike. It will be good fun. You are also responsible for finding and creating ways to get her excited. Clean yourself up! Make your woman want you like you are the sexiest man on earth. If it had not occurred to you, women can be very visual, so give them something mouth-watering in which to look forward. No woman gets stimulated by a dirty slob. Keep in mind there is a difference between having dutiful sex and pleasurable sex. If you care about your partner, then the latter is your goal.

5. Know your body. Men understand this more readily than women. Their penises are literally handled multiple times a day and they are easily accessible. For heavens sake, they have nocturnal emissions and involuntary erections to deal with from  puberty. So, it’s no wonder they have a better grasp  on their male parts than women. Women on the other hand have SHAME. Most women do not know what turns them because we are discouraged from finding out – it’s just not proper, not christian, not ladylike. Bla bla bla.

How can you direct someone to provide you pleasure when you know nothing about your likes or dislikes. In therapy, they give people take home practical exercises to help them understand themselves better. There should be a standard sexercise for all women – single or married. Take the time to get to know your body intimately whether by yourself or with your partner. Talk about learning to communicate in a relationship! If you can get through a sexploration exercise with your partner, then there is not a thing you can not talk about in your relationship.

6. What’s on the menu.  When I go to Famous Dave’s BBQ, I know the menu and my go to order but every now and then I try something new. If I were a sex therapist, I would introduce this idea to patients – create a sex menu. Starters would be your warm up activities/foreplay, main menu items – some traditional and other ‘exotic’ positions, and finish it off with dessert of your choice. Use your Spice and Imagination to create your menu: What (sex activities are you in the mood for), where (location! location! location!), Time (a quickie, an intermediate or a marathon), when (wake up call, afternoon delight, late night snack) who (what’s your role).

7. Trade ideas. This is the tricky part. To complete this task you must have good trusted open friends (preferable) or internet search button (set on safe search) or local book store AND you have to overcome your shame and embarrassment and be willing to have a serious conversation. Talk with your friends about what interesting or new things they are doing to spice up their sex lives. You could learn something or share something useful. If your friends are lame ducks in that department, there are a number of wholesome technique/instructional related articles on the internet or YouTube to help give you ideas. Note: I did not say pornography.  Treat sex like any other aspect of your life. There is always room to learn and improve. Whatever new information you acquire, you get to share it – with your partner.

8. Using sex as leverage is an absolute NO. This is a prevailing bad practice which women tend to share with each other. Even the bible says that if you abstain in a relationship, then it should be agreed between both partners. It definitely baffles me that women tend to share destructive things they do in their marriages but are not willing to talk about the things that uplifts just as easily. Sex is not a bargaining tool for either partner. It was meant to build intimacy and engage in pleasure. Once it has become a leverage tool, then sex has start to lose its purpose and this does signal minor issue in the relationship. Plus, it’s very childish which can be  demeaning to the other person.

9. Make time for sex.  You make time for everything else under the sun (include watching tv shows) but sex gets tossed in the dirty pile and is constantly left there. Sex is Pleasure. How often do you give up a pleasurable food item because “I am too tired; I don’t have time.” If you are constantly busy and tired 24hrs/7 days per week then there are other issues to address. Life requires prioritizing and so does sex with your partner. One partner should not have to beg or make snide comments about lack of sex. If you both were communicating and making time for each other, then this should not be an issue. Oh and quit with the BS about not having time due to kids.

10. The Bedroom is the Couple’s Sanctuary. It has become a disturbing trend in which the marriage bed is crowded with kids and animals. The quickest way to push a marriage apart and kill intimacy is having anything in the middle of the couple (physically, emotionally and psychologically). Unless you live in a tiny one room abode, then the animals and kids should have permanent residence somewhere else in the house at bedtime. A strong relationship with your partner comes from the connection you share. The more things you put in between the couple for an extended time the more problematic it becomes to maintain that strong connection. Spontaneous sex will be dampened/discouraged when you are too concerned about waking dog, cat and children. Oh and teach your kids to knock before entering your bedroom.

11. Communication and Sex. The old phrase about let your body do the talking is… well old. I hate to break it to you but one sex act does not fit all. For e.g. not all men find max pleasure from getting oral sex or not all women like ‘doggy style.’ Each person has different turn ons and turn offs; therefore, the only way to know (not faking) is through communication with each other. A couple who cannot talk frankly about sex is not mature to have sex. This would be the reason why many (mostly) women go through their sexual lives and never experience sexual pleasure because of silence. For e.g. A husband stops having sex with his wife, not because he doesn’t love her, but because she has hygiene issues. A wife says she is tired all the time, not because she is overworked, but because the sex position her husband is fond of does not stimulate her at all.

Communication is the key in every aspect of a relationship and it is no different with sex. The couples with the most pleasurable sex life knows how to communicate their wants in the bedroom. It’s such a simple concept but a difficult feat for so many. For majority of the couples having issues, the underlying problem is a lack of communication-lack of listening and the lack of expressing one’s self. Most relationships can avoid disaster by practicing this one simple tool – learning to listen and to speak. Here are ways to open the conversation: I like it when you (do an act in a certain spot), I am more turned on when you (do this) than when you (do that). If odour is a problem, then make a rule that before sex you both take a shower. To change-up a routine, suggest you love the regular activities but you would like to change it up a little and add something new. Exchange notes with fantasy wishes and talk about how to accommodate each other. KISS.

12. Sexual Confidence. Yes that is a thing. We were not born with the all-knowing how-to-guide on sex. It comes with time and knowing yourself and your partner. Both men and women can become intimidated by performance which can lead to anxiety and poor sexual enjoyment. If this is an issue, talk about sex with your partner – talk before, talk during and talk after. Women are more plagued with this issue because we are not taught to be sexually confident with ourselves and therefore not able to do so with our partners. We were taught to expect the men to do everything. However, a number of men like it when women initiate sexual innuendos, make initial contact or even take charge. It can make men feel desired.

13. Sexual compatibility. In life we tend to do well with things in which we are compatible. Friends, family members, jobs, spouses and sex. Each person has varying degree of libido and interest. I saw a Oprah special about “Where are they now?” in which years ago the woman complained that her hubby was not interested in sex and he agreed. Well, the recent follow-up indicated nothing had changed. She became complacent and accepting  of a sexless marriage due to his lack of desire. I do not advocate ‘test driving’ for those who choose abstinence, however I do strongly advocate for communication about your expectations. You do not have to engage in sex to know your sex drive. Unmatched sexual compatibility will result in someone being very dissatisfied in the relationship.

14. Sex Mistakes. Like everything in life sexual screwups happen. A position did not work too well, someone jumped the gun and orgasm early, unforeseen interruptions etc. The good thing about mistakes is to learn from them and do things differently. There is NO place for shaming or belittle when it comes to sex. This is actually a good time to experiment with different things in order to see what makes the menu and what gets thrown out.

15. It’s Ok to Love Sex. If someone admits to loving steak, jet skiing, baseball or a ferret, no one blinks an eye. If that same person admits to love having sex, then it is deviant or frown on. Why? I go back to the shame and embarrassment issue surrounding sex. The fact that most people have engaged in some form of sexual activity should be an indicator of its popularity. However, this normal activity has yet to be normalized in our sexually active world. This is obvious when a recent celebrity couple who choose to engage in abstinence  until marriage then disclosed that they had an enjoyable multiple occurence sex-filled honeymoon. The comment section was filled with “TMI” type responses. In my mind, TMI would be going into specific details but not when a married couple express that they had a multi-pleaurable end to a celebration filled day. The fear and myth of sex is so great it’s hard to distinguish normal from deviant. If you love having sex with your partner, then that is a great thing because there are too many sexless or bad sex relationships that have taken the place as the norm.

Now go out and enjoy pleasure filled sex. Feel free to fill in the blanks and share your knowledge to debunk the misconception of sex. Don’t keep the good stuff to yourself.

 

Abstinence In A Sexualized World


Surfed the internet lately? If yes, then you may have seen a few headlines relating to sex in the Christian community. First, there was the Duggar’s older son inappropriate sexual touching before he was married, Billy Graham’s grandson’s infidelity in a crumbling marriage, and Bristol Palin announcing her 2nd out-of-wedlock pregnancy despite being a public advocate for abstinence. In the old days, all these visible Christians would have been publicly shamed for the rest of their lives.

The reality is we are all sinners, prone to temptation, and each and every one of us have committed sins and will commit sins in our lives. Welcome to the reason why the Bible talks about redemption. Despite knowing that, I do get a sick pleasure when limelight Christians screw up. Why is that? Because it shows that no one is immune and we need to be careful of our actions when we decide to put ourselves in the forefront as perfect Christian leaders.

Let’s chat about abstinence . First, let me say that I do not believe in abstinence only education. Our society is not set up to re-enforce that concept. Second, abstinence does not address some important biological and situational nuances that typically lead to breaking that vow. Third, abstinence is a difficult practice to maintain especially the more sexually charged you are and the length of your intimate relationship.

I believe there are two kinds of abstinence: one is the letter of the law abstinence and the other is the spirit of the law abstinence. When people talk about abstinence they are referring to no sexual penetration using the male and female sex organs. Therefore, if two people in a relationship never have coitus, then they have fulfilled the letter of the abstinence law. This letter of the abstinence law is very important for virgins and those who want to remain “pure” until marriage. However, the spirit of the abstinence law is very different. This is in reference to ALL sexualized behaviors ie. mutual masturbation, over and under the clothes touching of breast and genitals, anal sex, oral sex, foreplay and everything that stops short of penetration. If Christians should be judge by the spirit of the abstinence law, then a great number would be found guilty.

I applaud the concept of no sex before marriage. It’s a great idea for a number of reasons; however, by the time most couples get to their wedding night they have already engaged in various sexualized behaviors “to take the edge off,” and the only thing left is the grand finale. True abstinence is not an easy feat. Christian couples engage in the same dating style such as spending quality and alone time with their partners. Like all relationships, the two people are instinctively and biologically sexually drawn to each other, and each intimate alone time breaks down the abstinence defenses.

When was the last time you went on a date with a chaperone? Do you always kiss your partner on the cheek with a side hug? When the phone conversation turns intimate do you stop and say “God would not approve because we are not married?” or have you instituted a rule that you don’t talk in the bedroom and not past a certain hour? When was the last time that the most intimate thing you did with your partner was holding hands for longer than 5 minutes?

If true abstinence is to be practiced, then the Christian couple has to become puritanical in every sense of the word. If you cannot do that, then it’s time to have the talk (You should have had this talk already if you decided to be in a long-term relationship). The talk should involve what to do if you can’t wait or the it-just-happened moment. It’s time to have the real sex talk and not the ignorant watered down ‘Christian’ version. The version in which birth control and pregnancy are a reality. The version in which when things go too far how do you work through it instead of being riddled with guilt, shame and sometimes blaming.

It’s obvious that Ms Palin, the abstinence advocate, found her own message difficult to uphold – twice. If it was not for the pregnancies, which is how most Christian couples are outed, she would have been able to hide the hypocrisy. I could take cheap shots at her; however, her failures show the holes in the modern-day abstinence message. I do believe that most Christians are very sincere when they take on the abstinence challenge. However, they fail to see and prepare for the inevitable obstacle which is to underestimate how strong one’s normal sexual desires can be in the presence of romantic partner.

For those who intend on practicing the abstinence spirit of the law, I wish you God speed because you will need it. I also wish that you put in place preventive methods instead of reactive measures. Abstinence in a relationship is a good thing; however, ignoring one’s natural sexual urges will make it a feat to truly accomplish in avoiding ALL forms of sexual activities before marriage.

Fifty Shades of Sexually Frustrated Women


Teddy reading 50 Shades
Teddy reading 50 Shades

I will admit to reading all three Fifty Shades books. In my defense, let me explain how that came about. A few years ago, I had heard of the first book but had not payed much attention because I stopped reading romance novels since my late teens. My sister-in-law and I were talking during a shopping trip and she was singing its praises. So, while in the mall, I passed a book store and decided to investigate.

Despite the bad writing, the first few pages whet my appetite because I had never read or thought much about bondage, dominance and sadomasochistic sex. However, by the end of the first book, I skipped a few repetitive pages, was annoyed by the writing, irritated with the childish nature of the female lead, and I became more intrigued about the psychological state of Mr Grey. This curiosity about the genesis of his obsessive compulsive personality disorder ie. super ridged controlling behaviors motivated me to waste money on the next two. After more page skipping and quick browsing, I got what I wanted.

Years later, the books are a movie and the female readers are either excited to see their mental fantasy come to life or disappointed because the chosen cast does not match their fantasy. Most people and the critics make fun that the readership is bored housewives and lonely single women. I would even further clarify that the readership encompasses both single and married non-Christian AND Christian women who could use a little sexual rejuvenation in their nether region.

People do not typically crave what they already have unless they are greedy. Sex and greedy are never synonymous. I also speculate that most of the women who read the trilogy would not entertain BDSM in their normal sex lives. However, it seems that this clamoring for a poorly written fantasy debunks a myth that most women have limited interests in sex and it awaken a dormant desire for women to have good passionate and orgasmically satisfying sex incorporated in their lives.

Sexually explicit books have been around. Years ago during my frequent visits to Barnes and Noble, there were novels in the Psych/Sexuality section for all to browse. This trilogy seem to hit a nerve and women are passively saying we could use a little more action in and out of the bedroom. I wonder if the married women who read the books ever find the courage to open a conversation with their spouses about their sexual wants in the relationship.

For years, women have been solely blamed for the demise of sex in a relationship due to lack of interest but we are learning that there is more to the story than meets the eye.  Take for instance, research is showing that more women are adding porn to their fantasy library. Biologically, it does not take much to get a man up, ready and done; however, women’s sexual engines do need a little more warming up and attention. Men are slowly starting to learn (women should be telling them) that a women’s sexual epicenter does not always reside in the feminine hole.

When people make fun of sexually frustrated women who read fantasy yet has a partner residing in the household, their jest is slightly misplaced. Fantasy from a novel or porn does not satisfy any frustrated woman but it becomes a distraction from the reality of their sexually starving situation. On the other hand, if men can take ownership of their shortcomings in the sex department, then that can go a long way in a relationship. I do agree that a woman who fakes an orgasm misleads the hubby into thinking he had done a good job for both of them. His ignorance will continue to lead to poor satisfaction for her, a deeper indulgence in unrealistic fantasies, and a long stretch of sexual frustration on her part.

The Pedestal Christian


I recently traveled to visit a friend and her husband. The couple is in their 60’s, very active, and is a devoted Christian. They reside in a primarily Christian community with a Christian college in the vicinity. During this trip, I learnt a few things in relation to practicing Christianity.

I broke my sabbatical and did attend church partly as a courtesy to my hosts. I had always liked the church, which was located on the school campus, so it did not take much prodding to go. I am going to list a few thing that stood out to me during my visit.

1. Practicing faith without being obnoxious. The couple was more than ‘one day’ Christians. They were always generous, ready to help, giving, and accommodating whenever possible. This is impressive because many religious people do not see the need to be Christians apart from the day they worship or during church sanctioned engagements. I like the fact that their ‘works’ were integrated in their personal lives and they did not feel the need to be at church 24-7. There are Christians so addicted to the building that they forget their Christianity exists outside of those walls and they are meant to share their knowledge with others.

2. Christian hypocrisy is so blaring we sometimes do not recognize it. According to one of the students, the Christian school was so insistent on their students not ‘touching’ alcohol to the point that they have pushed things to the extreme. The new students were taught that if the college authorities find out that they were in the presence of alcohol (not drinking) or if they were found to have used alcohol, then they can be suspended. The funny thing is the school is surrounded by many wineries. You can not ‘spit too far’ without hitting a vineyard. While I understand the school rules regarding no alcohol on campus, they should have taken this opportunity to educate these young adults on abstinence from alcohol AND drinking responsibly (off campus) while using an accountability buddy. The Christian school is setting up a false sense of security that does not exist in the real world unless you belong to the Duggar family.

3.  Hypocrisy continues. I was in the company of a group of people and the topic briefly referred to homosexuals. There was a late 20’s young male who was very quick to make disparaging statements and what he would do to them. Interestingly, this young person was recently baptised but the kicker is he is a recently recovering substance addict, whose family is still addicted, and he has a child with a woman out-of-wedlock. He really missed the plank in his eye and the lesson about love. Teaching Christians the ways of God in practical sense is very important. I think he truly believed that his statements were religiously justified and sadly most believers would support his views without recognizing the hypocrisy.

4. Religion teachings need to reflect the changing times.  The sermon was about showing kindness and the pastor told two stories in which Christians had failed miserably. The first was a young unwed woman who became pregnant and the pastor of her church refused to bless the baby due to the mother’s status and to add insult another ‘good Christian’ referred to her child as a ‘bastard’ in the presence of the baby and a family member. The second story was of another pastor who refused to bless a baby because his/her parents were of the same-sex.

I was so moved and impressed by the pastor when he said that the Christians in those instances had failed in exemplifying God’s teachings of kindness. As a pastor, he would rather have everyone in his church in which he can continue to preach God’s love. He pointed out that if each of our lives were opened to the public, then many ‘good Christians’ would be shamed. We (I include myself) are so quick to throw the good book at people who make mistakes or those who do not fit in a religiously perfect category but instead we need to use God as an example when he called all the sinners to Him and ignored the self-proclaimed religiously pious.

5. Ssshhhh Sex . It seems I am not able to run away from this topic 🙂 . During the same conversation about the Christian school’s stance on alcohol, I asked what did they say on sex. The new student said they barely even mention anything on sex. Of course, I find this funny and not surprising. I noted that during my enrollment at the school, there were two girls who were obviously pregnant and there were occasional condoms found in parking lots. I would like to clarify that the pregnancies were not virginal insemination and human males were identified as the fathers. I would also like to note that none of these girls were married. Ignorance is Christian bliss.

6. Sex is nasty even to married Christians. I was having a conversation with the married friend which was in reference to visitors to her home being respectful according to her religious beliefs. She was telling a story that she did not allow her daughter, who was engaged at the time, to be under the same roof with her fiance in order to deflect temptation to do “nasty stuff.” I chuckled to myself by her choice of word to describe sex. Even though I found it funny, it did sadden me because she perpetuated the same ‘sex is dirty’ idea that most Christians believe.

I do think that Christianity teachings need to be more applicable to the current stressors that we face. While the abstinence (from evil) message is good, that does not help those who are struggling with being faithful.  I in no way am stating that we need to change the Bible to suit our needs; however, it’s a pastor/teacher’s duty to quit hiding in the dark ages and preach applicable messages.

I had the pleasure of enjoying my time with people I consider to be good solid Christians. While they are not perfect, it is nice to have a living practicing example of what good Christian character should resemble.

 

Slut Shaming for Frank Sex Talk


My most frequently viewed posts are the ones on sex and sexuality. People just can not get enough of the topic in private. However, if you are talking about it in public, then it is a whole different and shameful matter.  I have never shied away from very frank sexual discussions in my blogs or offline. However, there is still shame and a negative view when a woman talks openly, without being pornographic, about sex.

I have no “shame” when it comes to such a topic. I previously worked in behavioral health. The job came with the mandatory ability to talk about any and everything under the sun.  Aspects of my current job has a focus on the sexually transmitted infectious consequences of sex. So, I do not have the luxury of embarrassment.

I made a trip recently over to a fellow blogger, Jess C Scott and ventured to her self published books. http://www.jessink.com/books_genre.htm.  What caught my eye was her Art of Erotic Writing. This gives a distinction between relationship focused sex and pornography. That was the motivator to blog about my slut shaming incidents I encountered in the last few months which came from ‘forever married’ women. Thanks Jess!

First let me start off by giving examples of frank sex talk:

Experience 1: Woman: After having kids, I think I might be loose down there but I am not sure. Me: Well, the best person who would know if anything have changed would be your husband. Why don’t you ask him. Woman: [ Shocked tone] I can’t ask him that. It’s too personal. Me: Okay [end conversation].

Experience 2: Woman: You might think this is weird. My husband wants me to dress up as [Star Wars character]. Me: Oh my gosh, that sounds like a lot of fun. You should do it. I would recommend role play to all married couples. Woman: I am too fat to fit in any costume. Me: Then that’s a good reason to lose weight.

Experience 3: Woman: I don’t know what to get my husband for Christmas. Me: Why don’t you buy something cute for yourself that he would also appreciate. Woman: [in shocked tone and uncomfortable laughter] I have gained so much weight I doubt that would be pleasure for him. Me: [end conversation]

Experience 4: Man: I should never have married my ex-wife…. Me: So why did you stay with her that long, was the sex that good? Man: [without skipping a heart beat] Yes, it was very good. Me: There’s the reason why you stayed so long.

In my experience, frank sex talk is more problematic with most women than with men. Women, including the married ones, become overly embarrassed. There in lies my problem as to why I was slut shamed. On three different occasions two married women, out of the blue, insinuated that I engage in one night stands. I deduced that the precursor to this assumption was because I can engage in general sexual talk like my male counterparts. Or was it because I said I would love to be an apprentice to Dr Ruth or the fact that I can talk sex without giggling like a school girl and becoming ridiculously embarrassed or maybe it’s because I am a single woman in her 30’s therefore I must be f****** around. Are you getting my annoyance?

Most women and some idiotic men immediately associate frank sex talk with promiscuity. At no time did I ever give any of these women details that would suggest I engaged in one night stands, friends with benefit, or any such frivolous sexual encounters. These women stated that they don’t believe in such things yet they assumed I do.  Why? because I am older and single? I had very clearly stated in their presence (when a drunk acquaintance suggested I go back to his place and wake up next to him so we can have sex when he is sober) that I believe in monogamous long term relationship sex.  What part of that statement was confusing? Wait, it had nothing to do with the statement but that I am an older single woman.

On the other hand, when the men say very explicit things, the women did not bat an eye or made any related judgements. It’s apparent that the single woman has to be the one ‘about town’. Obviously, it is written somewhere that all single women who can hold an adult conversation related to sex has an amoral freedom with their bodies. Is it that we are all like Samantha from Sex and the City? [For those who never watched the cable show, Samantha’s character had very frank and sometimes extremely explicit talks about sex and she had the most sex with almost any man, anywhere and anytime].  It never occurred to these married women that their inappropriate suggestion was insulting and extremely demeaning.

I expect adults to have grown up conversations; however, it is not that way when it comes to sex. Sex and sexuality topics seem to revert the adult mind to that of a moronic adolescent. Many adults equate sexuality with pornography and therefore a certain level of shame. Heaven forbid that a single woman should be so open in that discussion. It appears that in order for a woman to understand sex and her own sexuality it means there is something deviant about her. So, be warned single women, some married people may be looking at you as horny promiscuous nymphos.

The fear of frank sex talk extends amongst the educated too:

Experience 1: I was sitting in a hospital cafeteria with female coworkers, when someone asked if anyone watched the cable show, Masters of Sex. I  saw a few episodes and thought it was interesting.  While explaining to the rest of my coworkers that the series is based on two pioneers in the field of sexuality and their research information is still used to day, I gave an example from one episode.  I informed them that the stages of arousal came from their research. A married nurse with grown children  who was sitting at the table started to laugh nervously, looked around the room, and spoke in a quiet tone that “Dr X was sitting at the next table.” My first thoughts: If Dr X gets embarrassed by our topic, then he has no business being a doctor.  My second thoughts: Even health professionals are embarrassed to talk about a natural human behavior.

Experience 2:  A group of adults were talking when a woman stated that her husband likes a particular underwear. A married mother and social worker immediately exclaim a bit irritated, “No no we are not going to have this conversation.” Then a guy in the group loudly proclaims, “I go commando and I like to be free.” This received lots of laughter however, no protest from the social worker.

Can you count how many times I used the word sex? Did it freak anyone out? Is this post now listed as pornographic material? Am I totally sex obsessed and need extensive prayer to cleanse my mind and soul? Think about this  sex, penis, and vagina maybe the words with the most euphemisms because adults are too embarrassed to say them. However, they are so much a natural part of us and will continue to be that way whether we are embarrassed or not.

Final note on this single woman slut shaming. I will not accept slut shaming from anyone. I will not change the fact that I think it’s important to talk openly about sex. I will still admire Dr Ruth. I will never hide my sexuality focused books that has a place on my bookshelf for any adult to read and I will always find sex and sexuality a very stimulating subject [PUN INTENDED].

Sexual Test Drive


 copied image

Many moons ago, I remembered one of my older sisters mentioning that she would never marry a man with whom she has not had sex. She needed to know if they were sexually compatible. Years later, I heard the very same sentiment from others including those who profess to be Christians. The majority of the populace advocates for taking their partner for a sexual test drive to make sure that they properly connect in the sack. (Note to readers: I am in the metaphoric mood)

This is not very shocking to anyone especially not to single Christians. Only a small percentage can say that the cow, milk and farm were all bought and enjoyed after the ‘I do’s.’  For everyone else, there has been at least one testing period with a current or past mate. To add to that, there are a number of old and new Christians who want to adhere to the no sex before marriage but does have that ‘what if we are not sexually compatible?’ or ‘what if after the big day and long wait my partner can not hit the spot’ thought floating around.

In the dating vs courting article, the author clearly advocated for the NO sampling rule, which is very clearly biblical with no room for justification. However, for many, there is still a struggle of ‘should I or shouldn’t I.’  The reality is in every aspect of the true courting relationship, Christian singles are encouraged to get to know your potential mate; however, there is a strict hands off policy on anything remotely intimate. There is a legitimate reason for this-sexual fire is very very very hard to extinguish when it’s lit.

So let’s play devil’s advocate for a moment and indulge in some of the pros and cons of the test drive hypothesis. (Note: this has nothing to do with virgin vs experienced singles) Some of the pros are: Sex helps strengthen the relationship and the couple will feel closer to each other; Each person will have an idea if there are any sexual hang ups with their partner; A woman can assess the ample or lack of size of their partner; If sex is good, then there is a higher percentage of not having intimacy issues after marriage; A great way to let  your partner know your likes and dislikes before marriage; and the wedding night won’t be awkward. Did I miss any? One can admit that all those reasons are very valid because these are real issues many couples struggle with in their married life. If it were not so, then there would be no need for Dr Ruth.

Alright, so let’s jump to the other side of the coin. I can only think of one major con for the single Christian-sexual test drive is the opposite of Christian beliefs and biblical teachings. There you have it!  However, since I am still playing devil’s advocate then let me add a few more: Sex has NEVER made a relationship better, not in the history of man. If someone’s relationship is in the crapper, a few moments of pleasure won’t fix it. If the relationship is good, then sex is the icing that enhances the connection. In terms of sizing for men, well… you don’t have to sleep with someone to get a visual :-). If the dude is having size issues, then during the courtship would be a great time to disclose that tidbit of information (you know all that trust, truth and stuff couples should be learning about each other). A great way for your partner to know about your likes, dislikes, curiosity and kinky side is to perhaps talk (I know it’s a novel idea). There are plenty of married people who don’t know any or have limited sexual knowledge about their partners. Sex and intimacy are two different things. Consider this, a prostitute has sex all the time; however, true intimacy, which implies and denotes a close relationship, is completely absent.

Test driving does not mean the relationship will last nor does waiting. If that were so, then lots of people would still be married. The final thought provoker is that big word compatibility which is usually interchanged for technique. Acquiring a skill or technique is learnt. Just like dating, each person brings something new and different and everyone has to adjust to a new person. The courtship/dating period is meant to teach that potential mate about yourself and vice versa.  The act of sex is exactly the same thing as we learn and adapt and this can be done after your ‘I do’s’ just as easily as it can be done during a test drive.

Just for curiosity sake feel free to share: How many people have test drove before marriage? How many would never have a serious relationship without it? How many are not sure? How many plan to smother the fire until after the I do’s (whenever that will be)?

What Does Getting ‘Laid’ Have To Do With Being Happy?


 

When does getting laid equal happiness? If you are not up with the old school lingo, then let me spell it out-getting laid means having sex. This sentiment is often heard on television but it has cropped up in the workplace as well. Each time I hear this drivel, I wonder how it is that having sex is synonymous with being happy. So if your boss seems unhappy or high strung then she (usually seems to be referred to women) needs some sex and she will be all better (sarcasm included).

The same is said of Christians. Obviously most Christians are not sexually active and that is why we are the way we are-whatever that means. So, if following this hypothesis, then the happier a Christian is the more action SHE is getting in the sack. Woohoo, some dumba** just discovered the secret to happiness so now let’s all get to shagging.

As Christians, we have a different belief in the source of happiness and it has nothing to do with sex. However, the prevailing idea of the world is a little different. I have never had that phrase spoken to me but I do find myself becoming very irritated when I hear it directed towards a woman-single or married. I do believe that sex has an importance and not just for procreating but when did it become the holy grail of everything in one’s life? I am pretty sure that if I showed up to working skipping and overly joyous the first thing people would start thinking is I found a man and “I got my pipes cleaned.”

I am not squimish about having any discussions but I shudder at the thought that anyone would think that way about me. This moronic sentiment seems to debase the human value to a simple intimate act. So I guess instead of singing “All we need is love” we can replace the word love with sex “All we need is sex.” This is not to say that I deny the research done on how sex affects the mood etc. I truly believe that sex has some amazing and positive contributions to the human emotions, body and intimate relationship.

These days it seems that only the stupid things seem to have a lasting effect; hence the popularity of reality tv. The regression of human intelligence is astounding.

Sexuality: What Makes Pornography So Inviting?


Kama Sutra Positions

Pornography is defined as writings, pictures, films, etc, designed to stimulate sexual excitement. Nearly everyone has viewed some kind of erotic materials intentionally or accidentally. It appears that porn is the Achilles heal for many including Christians and leaders of the church. So what is it about pornography that seems to pull so many into its grasp? It seems to possess two elements which the church and the average society deems taboo: nakedness and sex.

Porn is sometimes described as a fantasy come true; a visual reenactment of someone’s erotic imagination that they would probably not experience in their daily lives. The sex industry which is a money-maker business provides a variety of sexual enticements. It has categories for every imaginable sexual fantasy, most of which I could not fathom or understand how that invokes pleasure.  The other hypothesis is that this industry is so tabooed that it creates curiosity.

My experiences with accidentally seeing pornography happened during early childhood. The first time, I inadvertently walked into my aunt’s livingroom in the early evening hours  to see a bunch of men watching a video. I was curious what they were watching so I peeked and was hoping to join them but I was able to make out two naked bodies before I was quickly banished to the room. No one talked about it to me. I have to say that it took me awhile to figure out that it was a “blue movie.” The second experience, I found some glossy magazines (I still don’t know who they belong to) and starting looking through them and there they were pictures of naked women in different poses exposing their private areas (something I had never seen before not even on myself). Again, I was curious so I went to check to see if my private area looked anything like theirs. (lol) I was a child (younger than 13). After all, no one ever talked to me about my body. Interestingly, I began to wonder if all women’s private areas and breasts had the same colour and shape? was I normal if I looked different? Oh course I also was curious what boys looked like, did they have the same stuff?

Taboo 1: Nakedness has been around since the creation of man. Adam and Eve were the first nudist to let it all hang out without any shame before they sinned. We are subsequently taught that our bodies are objects in which to be ashamed; to cover and hide.  A few married women have boasted that their spouses have never seen them naked except under the sheet or in the dark. I will even venture to say that most adults have never stood before a mirror for an extended period of time to take a good look at their bodies. It reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City in which the character Charlotte never saw her vagina and was encouraged to use a mirror and take a good look. Well, pornography removes this body shame by showcasing men and women with the proverbial “ideal bodies” for anyone’s viewing.

One thing that seems to make pornography so inviting is  the actors do not have much of a problem looking at or showing their bodies. They have no problems with being naked which is contrary to what we are being taught to hate one’s body and change it into a perfect specimen. They possess a sense of confidence about themselves without clothes that most adults will never experience in their lives.

Taboo 2: Sex is even a bigger taboo than nakedness. Sex is the dirty secret that is a part of life but evokes such shame and hate. Sex is so shameful to the point that of all the crimes that happen in the world, sexually related crimes still carries such a tremendous stigma for the victims. They are rarely reported and the least likely in which someone would seek help. Interestingly, one of the result of sexual crimes is a hatred, disdain and distortion for one’s body and for sex. ( I digress).

Just like our naked bodies, sex is considered dirty, something to not talk about even in a married relationship. Parents would avoid the topic like the plague [I am still waiting for my sex talk from my parents:-)]. I actually learned about my body by discovery a book called Every Woman. So, if no one talks sex, then were is the best place to get some kind of  information? (a) Your parents (b) Your pastor (c) the holy congregation (d) your doctor (e) If you are newly married virgins just wing it (f) a website or dvd devoted to sex (explicit or instructional). There are not a lot of good options. So, the porn industry fills this void and makes money on providing information even though it is by  far the worst information and  it goes against everything that a good relationship and sexual behavior should be for couples and singles. 

My information about sex and the body over the years (since being exposed to porn and is still collecting) came from a few sources which would include some that most Christians would deem immoral: 1. I have made it a point to collect a few books devoted to sex and no they are not in a dark hiding place, they are on my book shelve in the sexuality section ( I will list the books at the end) 2. Dr Ruth and medically related material related to sexuality 3. HBO’s documentaries: Real Sex and Pornucopia: Going Down In the Valley. Let’s just say that the HBO series really let me know how shelter I was! I sometimes think I gained a little bit too much knowledge in certain things. Pornography serves a purpose; it probably fills a void that should have been addressed since puberty. It replaces the conversations parents should have with children, women and men should have with each other, and husbands and wives should be having. Nakedness and sex are meant to be something good at appropriate times as well as  in the right relationships but the absence of that appears to drive the need for porn. When people start to explore their own sexual nature, then there will be less or no need to be enticed by pornography.

MY BOOKS

The Kama Sutra by Anne Hooper (the pocket guide & simpler version). Barnes and Noble

Kama Sutra: The Classic Eastern Love Text (translated from the original). Barnes and Noble

Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity by Lauren F. Winner

Intimate Issues: Conversations Woman to Woman by Linda Dillow & Lorraine Pintus

The New Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort

Sex & Sexual Health: It’s Perfectly Normal (to talk about the body to kids) by Robie H Harris

Masturbation Almost Everyone Does It


There are a few topics that are way too interesting to not have multiple postings and sex and the single christian is one such subject. During my blog surfing, I came across Zabeth’s Ladies Stop Treating Sex Casually post which addressed sexual frustration. I recognized that for single Christians this is an ongoing itch that if scratched outside of marriage (ie by one’s self or with a lover) will result in guilt, shame and self-condemnation. So let me give my unedited opinion and some random thoughts about this issue.

I believe that anything sexually related  has become a dirty and perverse idea in the church. The church and very pious individuals only address sexuality in the context of marriage with the assumption that if you are not married then it does not exist. For those curious about the evolution of sexuality, then watching the History Channel’s 5 part series about The History of Sex will be very eye-opening. So, because most people in the western world is not betroth to be married at birth and neither are we living in ancient times where a 13-year-old girl is on her way to being an experienced married woman with children, then what are the solutions?

Masturbation is more acceptable for men than for women. It is practically a rite of passage for boys and men: nocturnal emissions, uncontrolled morning erections and controlled every day erections. For women, our equivalent to the penis is the little clitoris which is safely tucked away and is packed with lots of nerve endings that play a part in female arousal and sexual satiation. Women, especially Christian women do not talk about such indecent things because heaven help us if we admit to having the desire to indulge in a little release.

One of the politically correct solutions to address sexual frustration is to ‘work it off’ which means exercising or some other physical activity. Seriously? That really works every time? Sex literally starts in the mind the moment a woman sees a very good-looking man that she may be attracted to or when a woman swishes by a man with a feminine sway. If you are a Christians or not, “mental masturbation” (a termed use in jest by the psychiatrist in our office) happens whether we want it there or not. A friend of mine aptly said that heaven help her husband when she marries because she has a lot of releasing to do :-). Don’t you just love such honesty! Yes, she is a Christian.  

I advocate for singles using any method they are comfortable with to help address such a natural feeling. That means adding a toy, using your hands or a combination of both (there are no confirmed cases of going blind), exercising or praying.  It is employing the same strategies most or all of us would use if we were married (except the exercising and praying). I doubt there is a married couple who can tell me that they do not use some form of self stimulation in their sexual activity. If there is, then I would recommend a sex therapist right away to help you work through your continued guilt and shame. 

It is difficult to use the phrase WWJD. I have no answers to that because according to the bible, Jesus was focused solely on doing God’s work and there was no mention of any female interest in his 33-years on earth. It was unusual for a man to be never-married at the ripe old age of 33.  My assumption is that Jesus probably went through the same feelings as any other human but there was no mention of how he dealt with those human urges. Most Christians would stone me for saying that Jesus probably had to deal with ‘wet dreams’ like his pubescent peers. Do I think masturbation is a sin especially when adults are marrying at later ages? No. (This is not addressing people who has an addiction or obsession with sex and any thing related). The ‘good Christians’ like to give the impression that they are untouchable about such things but it is a myth.

I think that the early church has vilified everything related to the penis, clitoris and sex. Even today, it still carries the feeling of sinning even within the christian marriage. Masturbation is a choice like almost everything else in life. I am sure a large percentage of the world does it but never talks about it unless the person is a porn star or an outspoken psychologist like Dr Ruth. Single christian are especially susceptible to sexual frustration and stress because even the idea of fantasizing can provoke overwhelming guilt and shame. Plus they probably believe that they are the only ones who have such “bad thoughts and feelings.” Talk about neurosis! (an oldie but goodie Freudian term). I say to single Christians go forth and scratch that itch until you marry someone who can do it for you.

Sexuality in the Church: The Madonna Vs The Dominatrix


  If you have joined a church for sometime, then you will understand, especially for women, that there is an unspoken expectation of chastity. However, it is more than just abstinence from sex but an implied order to put your sexuality in a box, lock it tightly, and put it in a dark corner never to be seen again until the big day ie. marriage. The problem with such a decree is that women are not getting married at the old age of 13 years old anymore and some are just not getting married at all. So the question is what do you do with that God given urge?
There is that saying that a man wants a lady in the street and a freak in the bed but how true is that expectation for a woman who has devoted her life to all things God? Is it unrealistic to expect a madonna type woman to have a hidden sexual wildness to her and knows how to keep the two apart?
The On and Off Switch of Sexuality
Another single and I were having the discussion of stories of married men who expect certain things in the bedroom but the wives think those acts are dirty or it will “defile the marriage bed.” Being a single, never married, this is just my opinion but isn’t marriage suppose to be open between the man and woman? When are there certain things off limits because it seems sinful? In my opinion, I think these bashful behaviors from some christian couples have to do with the churches teaching about how dirty and sinful are sex and all things related. So, hearing this message most of our lives, it can be difficult for some to switch on their sexuality after saying I do. I read somewhere of a young man who followed the teaching dutifully as a single and after getting married he still had not have sex for the first year of his marriage. It must have been difficult for him to switch the “lock it away” teaching to expressing himself sexually without having feelings of guilt and shame. There is no easy answer for this issue and forget about getting any help through the church. I bet the most we will hear is pray that God takes away the temptation. Yet, these same pastors will preach to couples that the sexual feeling is a natural God given urge.
  House work to cure the temptation
I remember years ago in my old church a visiting pastor asked a few single women to sit up front to be a panel. He surprisingly asked them the question what do you do when you feel the sexual urge? I thought that was inappropriate to dig into someone’s sexlife in a public forum, he did not prepare them for this question, nor did he invite any males on the panel. The women did the best and the most appropriate answer the ladies gave was to do house work and pray. I do not remember him giving a good solution to the single women’s dilemma but I thought to myself joking these ladies houses are probably spotless. The point is there is no right bible preaching christian way around addressing this natural part of life. However, it is a disservice to the single church going population when topics such as these are quickly dismissed with ‘pray to resist temptation’ or having to hold it until the day of marriage. Do not misunderstand, I am a proponent of sex after marriage. Single christians have to find a good balance in order to avoid the both extremes. I know that for myself, I am still all woman single christian or otherwise and look forward to the day when I can freely play the madonna on the street and the dominatrix in bed without guilt or shame.