Misconceptions of Sex?

Of everything in the Bible and the modern world, sex has stood the test of time to be the most vilified and misinterpreted act. Yet, it is still an intriguing activity in which  probably 99.9% humans and 100% lower animals engage. Frankly, we could have a conversation about poop more easily than sex. Why is that?

For the religious folks, obviously when God created Adam and Eve, He used the act of sex to be the vector in which to populate the earth.  I can speculate that he surely was not thinking ‘listen heavenly host, I am going to introduce some vile and disgusting method to usher in generations upon generations.’ I mean if you thought about it, God could have come up with another non-penetrating way in order to procreate. Instead, He thought it was a brilliant idea for two people to get the closest you could possible be to another human being AND he added some easily excitable nerve endings to both genitalia in order to have…. wait for it…. pleasure.

I am not sure which part makes people uncomfortable. Is it the intimacy or the pleasure? My conversational library is filled with everything known to man – nothing is too (fill in the blanks) to talk about with adults. However, most adults who are sexually active or will be sexually active find it hard to talk about sex. Ironically, sex permeates our lives and can become an issue if left desolate in relationships.  Yes, a single gal will be talking frankly about sex – deal with it or stop reading. So in the words of Salt-N-Pepper Let’s Talk About Sex.

1. Sex is NOT dirty or shameful. Yes it’s a fluid, sticky, sweaty situation – showers were invented to clean up and washing machines for your sheets. I can’t possibly say anything more about this. It’s either you believe it or not.

2. Everyone is not a  virgin. Have you ever met a married woman or a mother who becomes most shocked when sex becomes a topic? I almost want to slap them (not advocating violence) because if you are in either of those categories, then the whole world KNOWS you had at least 1 encounter with the penis kind. Men don’t have this problem and will never be in such denial.

3. Sex is Pleasure and Pleasure is Good. I acknowledge that due to various circumstances some women and men have difficulty experiencing sex as pleasure. On the other hand, for a large group of people, they chose sex to be a duty. Good sex provides great benefits for the individual and the couple. It was meant to be enjoyed by BOTH. Besides pleasure, it’s also meant to be a fun activity. When you see and experience sex as a good thing, then it becomes incorporated in your relationship as something to look forward to with each other. Anyone who has experienced an orgasm will attest to the pleasure. If you are having difficulty finding sex as pleasurable then move to suggestion #4.

4. Spice and Imagination are Highly Encouraged. Think of sex this way – most people like certain foods, for me it’s chicken; however, if I had baked chicken cooked the same way every time, I would get sick of it. Sex can and does get boring when you keep it in the same place and same position every time. SNORE! Seriously, there are numerous ways to have an orgasm. This hinderance to use one’s creativity in the bedroom comes from the shame and embarrassment of sex. I am not talking about 50 Shades of Grey BDSM but making simple changes to sexual positions, spice up the foreplay, use a different location in the bedroom or house. Take a sex-vacation to put some fire back into the bedroom.

Women Get Your Sexy On. It’s a repeatedly proven fact that it does not take much to get men excited. Do I have to repeat that ladies? Better yet, you repeat that to yourself. Forget about the perfect body BS. If your man is sexually attracted to you (80% of the battle is won), then your body is the sexiest thing on earth which will drive him wild.  So, muster up your sexual confidence and start adding something new such as: Initiating sex, engage in intimate massage, play dress up with the items in your home (who knew a colander could be sexy), use some sexy play on words (all pun intended), take a pole dancing or chair dancing class and show case your skills, leave him a note about your fantasy, smack his tush as he walks by or better yet smack yours  with a little wiggle and see where that gets you… etc. Get the idea!!! KISS-Keep It Simple Stupid.

Men, you are not off the hook. It takes a lot more than flashing your penis to get a woman excited. Women want to feel loved, sexy and appreciated. Lead with that and encourage her to get out of her sex shell. Foreplay! Foreplay! Foreplay! Your hands and lips are magic so learn to use them wisely. If you like to shake your booty, then watch a little Magic Mike. It will be good fun. You are also responsible for finding and creating ways to get her excited. Clean yourself up! Make your woman want you like you are the sexiest man on earth. If it had not occurred to you, women can be very visual, so give them something mouth-watering in which to look forward. No woman gets stimulated by a dirty slob. Keep in mind there is a difference between having dutiful sex and pleasurable sex. If you care about your partner, then the latter is your goal.

5. Know your body. Men understand this more readily than women. Their penises are literally handled multiple times a day and they are easily accessible. For heavens sake, they have nocturnal emissions and involuntary erections to deal with from  puberty. So, it’s no wonder they have a better grasp  on their male parts than women. Women on the other hand have SHAME. Most women do not know what turns them because we are discouraged from finding out – it’s just not proper, not christian, not ladylike. Bla bla bla.

How can you direct someone to provide you pleasure when you know nothing about your likes or dislikes. In therapy, they give people take home practical exercises to help them understand themselves better. There should be a standard sexercise for all women – single or married. Take the time to get to know your body intimately whether by yourself or with your partner. Talk about learning to communicate in a relationship! If you can get through a sexploration exercise with your partner, then there is not a thing you can not talk about in your relationship.

6. What’s on the menu.  When I go to Famous Dave’s BBQ, I know the menu and my go to order but every now and then I try something new. If I were a sex therapist, I would introduce this idea to patients – create a sex menu. Starters would be your warm up activities/foreplay, main menu items – some traditional and other ‘exotic’ positions, and finish it off with dessert of your choice. Use your Spice and Imagination to create your menu: What (sex activities are you in the mood for), where (location! location! location!), Time (a quickie, an intermediate or a marathon), when (wake up call, afternoon delight, late night snack) who (what’s your role).

7. Trade ideas. This is the tricky part. To complete this task you must have good trusted open friends (preferable) or internet search button (set on safe search) or local book store AND you have to overcome your shame and embarrassment and be willing to have a serious conversation. Talk with your friends about what interesting or new things they are doing to spice up their sex lives. You could learn something or share something useful. If your friends are lame ducks in that department, there are a number of wholesome technique/instructional related articles on the internet or YouTube to help give you ideas. Note: I did not say pornography.  Treat sex like any other aspect of your life. There is always room to learn and improve. Whatever new information you acquire, you get to share it – with your partner.

8. Using sex as leverage is an absolute NO. This is a prevailing bad practice which women tend to share with each other. Even the bible says that if you abstain in a relationship, then it should be agreed between both partners. It definitely baffles me that women tend to share destructive things they do in their marriages but are not willing to talk about the things that uplifts just as easily. Sex is not a bargaining tool for either partner. It was meant to build intimacy and engage in pleasure. Once it has become a leverage tool, then sex has start to lose its purpose and this does signal minor issue in the relationship. Plus, it’s very childish which can be  demeaning to the other person.

9. Make time for sex.  You make time for everything else under the sun (include watching tv shows) but sex gets tossed in the dirty pile and is constantly left there. Sex is Pleasure. How often do you give up a pleasurable food item because “I am too tired; I don’t have time.” If you are constantly busy and tired 24hrs/7 days per week then there are other issues to address. Life requires prioritizing and so does sex with your partner. One partner should not have to beg or make snide comments about lack of sex. If you both were communicating and making time for each other, then this should not be an issue. Oh and quit with the BS about not having time due to kids.

10. The Bedroom is the Couple’s Sanctuary. It has become a disturbing trend in which the marriage bed is crowded with kids and animals. The quickest way to push a marriage apart and kill intimacy is having anything in the middle of the couple (physically, emotionally and psychologically). Unless you live in a tiny one room abode, then the animals and kids should have permanent residence somewhere else in the house at bedtime. A strong relationship with your partner comes from the connection you share. The more things you put in between the couple for an extended time the more problematic it becomes to maintain that strong connection. Spontaneous sex will be dampened/discouraged when you are too concerned about waking dog, cat and children. Oh and teach your kids to knock before entering your bedroom.

11. Communication and Sex. The old phrase about let your body do the talking is… well old. I hate to break it to you but one sex act does not fit all. For e.g. not all men find max pleasure from getting oral sex or not all women like ‘doggy style.’ Each person has different turn ons and turn offs; therefore, the only way to know (not faking) is through communication with each other. A couple who cannot talk frankly about sex is not mature to have sex. This would be the reason why many (mostly) women go through their sexual lives and never experience sexual pleasure because of silence. For e.g. A husband stops having sex with his wife, not because he doesn’t love her, but because she has hygiene issues. A wife says she is tired all the time, not because she is overworked, but because the sex position her husband is fond of does not stimulate her at all.

Communication is the key in every aspect of a relationship and it is no different with sex. The couples with the most pleasurable sex life knows how to communicate their wants in the bedroom. It’s such a simple concept but a difficult feat for so many. For majority of the couples having issues, the underlying problem is a lack of communication-lack of listening and the lack of expressing one’s self. Most relationships can avoid disaster by practicing this one simple tool – learning to listen and to speak. Here are ways to open the conversation: I like it when you (do an act in a certain spot), I am more turned on when you (do this) than when you (do that). If odour is a problem, then make a rule that before sex you both take a shower. To change-up a routine, suggest you love the regular activities but you would like to change it up a little and add something new. Exchange notes with fantasy wishes and talk about how to accommodate each other. KISS.

12. Sexual Confidence. Yes that is a thing. We were not born with the all-knowing how-to-guide on sex. It comes with time and knowing yourself and your partner. Both men and women can become intimidated by performance which can lead to anxiety and poor sexual enjoyment. If this is an issue, talk about sex with your partner – talk before, talk during and talk after. Women are more plagued with this issue because we are not taught to be sexually confident with ourselves and therefore not able to do so with our partners. We were taught to expect the men to do everything. However, a number of men like it when women initiate sexual innuendos, make initial contact or even take charge. It can make men feel desired.

13. Sexual compatibility. In life we tend to do well with things in which we are compatible. Friends, family members, jobs, spouses and sex. Each person has varying degree of libido and interest. I saw a Oprah special about “Where are they now?” in which years ago the woman complained that her hubby was not interested in sex and he agreed. Well, the recent follow-up indicated nothing had changed. She became complacent and accepting  of a sexless marriage due to his lack of desire. I do not advocate ‘test driving’ for those who choose abstinence, however I do strongly advocate for communication about your expectations. You do not have to engage in sex to know your sex drive. Unmatched sexual compatibility will result in someone being very dissatisfied in the relationship.

14. Sex Mistakes. Like everything in life sexual screwups happen. A position did not work too well, someone jumped the gun and orgasm early, unforeseen interruptions etc. The good thing about mistakes is to learn from them and do things differently. There is NO place for shaming or belittle when it comes to sex. This is actually a good time to experiment with different things in order to see what makes the menu and what gets thrown out.

15. It’s Ok to Love Sex. If someone admits to loving steak, jet skiing, baseball or a ferret, no one blinks an eye. If that same person admits to love having sex, then it is deviant or frown on. Why? I go back to the shame and embarrassment issue surrounding sex. The fact that most people have engaged in some form of sexual activity should be an indicator of its popularity. However, this normal activity has yet to be normalized in our sexually active world. This is obvious when a recent celebrity couple who choose to engage in abstinence  until marriage then disclosed that they had an enjoyable multiple occurence sex-filled honeymoon. The comment section was filled with “TMI” type responses. In my mind, TMI would be going into specific details but not when a married couple express that they had a multi-pleaurable end to a celebration filled day. The fear and myth of sex is so great it’s hard to distinguish normal from deviant. If you love having sex with your partner, then that is a great thing because there are too many sexless or bad sex relationships that have taken the place as the norm.

Now go out and enjoy pleasure filled sex. Feel free to fill in the blanks and share your knowledge to debunk the misconception of sex. Don’t keep the good stuff to yourself.



People in Relationships Overly Concerned With Singles

In case you did not know and the blog page did not tip you off, I am single actually terminally single. In my opinion that status is neither good nor bad but just is what it is. I feel a certain amount of comfort with that status and I see the green side of the grass as well as the brown side of the grass that comes with being single. So, why is it that couples/people in relationships, whether new or old, seem to have such a difficulty accepting and being comfortable with other’s single status particularly with single women? What is so threatening or frightening about being single? Let me compile a few things I have heard and noticed about couples’ behaviors towards singles.

People in relationships think it is their God given right to “set you up” and get you coupled

People in relationships think that because you are single, then ANY other single person will make the best match for you

People in relationships think your life will be so much happier with someone/anyone

People in relationships suddenly know what’s best for your life

People in relationships “can’t understand why you are single because you are such a nice person”

People in relationships do not think singles will fit in with their family lifestyle and are excluded from social events

People in relationships assume singles are avid partiers and have wild random sex ie. promiscuous

People in relationships think that singles cannot possibly understand when they are having difficulties in their relationships

People in relationships think singles will feel bad/sad/sorry for themselves if they talk about their relationships in your presence; so they avoid sharing anything about their relationships

A person who is in a new/early relationship suddenly think singles will be jealous so they avoid discussing their relationships

People in relationships believe that their relationships are so unique that every single person wants what they have/admire their relationship

People in relationships believe that every conversation with you should center around solving your singleness

People in relationships assume that singles are not working hard enough to end their singleness

People in relationships assume that you cannot be genuinely happy for them in their relationships

People in relationships assume singles cannot be truly contented and are faking it until they find their own relationships

…and so on

The funny thing is if you are a Christian then you know that Jesus and most of his disciples were single. Actually the God-head is single. The reality is there are a lot of singles who are more comfortable as singles than what society wants everyone to believe. Happiness is not about being single or married because misery lives in both camps. What I find very interesting is these behaviors are not just confined to couples who have been together since puberty but new couples pick up those very nasty judgmental and exclusionary habits too.  In my personal experience, I try not to react negatively. However, what some of these couples do not realize is that while I am happy for them I do not want their relationships. NEWSFLASH Your life is NOT that special above my own. The ludicrous concept that my marital status is the only thing that puts me in a one-down position is more of a personal problem for others.

If I am going to be single until the day I die, then so be it. If I am to get married in the future, then so be it. These are all just one aspect of my life. God blessed me with one life to live and I will do the best that I can whether single or married. So, if you happen to be reading this, in a relationship and recognize that you are guilty of being a couple snob, please quit with your BS.

Recognizing the Greatest Blessing is Love

In the last few weeks, I had an inordinate amount of interest in my single status. No, it’s not men flocking to ‘rescue’ me from being single but friends who want to save me from an eternal single life. I guess they think being 39 with minute interest in marriage is not normal. I handled the issue like a pro, which means I did not go crazy and spout the “I am woman and don’t need a man” mantra. :-). I understand their well-meaning intention because all those friends are married. Ironically, one friend who has been married for ages is having issues with connecting to her husband, the 2nd person is new to married life with a toddler, and the 3rd, her husband is out of the country for a few months and she is stressed with their few months old baby.

I had the privilege of taking a week of vacation with a long time friend. While on vacation, not realizing the resort was adults only when booked, I was surrounded by majority couples. Is that a sign or something?! (I say sarcastically). I had a few minor uncomfortable moments when it was just me sitting by myself for the nightly entertainment or on the beach to relax. Nothing like being physically alone amongst strange couples to highlight one’s singleness. This was not my first or will it be the last in such situations; however, those things never deter me from doing anything I want to do. There is a certain amount of strength that comes from being able to enjoy life fully as a single and not constantly fearing what others think about being a party of one.

Small Blessings
Small Blessings

So, I just came back from the vacation with lots of pictures in store and decided to resume my lost hobby of printing all my pictures which are stored digitally (a few years worth) and chronologically placing them in albums. As I am going through organizing pictures which starts from year 2010 and choosing a few for my collage picture frame that sits on my mantle 90% empty, I realize a few important things.

1.  I have done quite a few things in my lifetime. I have travelled in and outside the US and have fun evidence of my adventures

2.  I have made friends where I go. I am an introvert who sometimes have a difficult time connecting with people. However, my pictures show that throughout the years I have developed friendships/relationship with others at different moments in life

3.  I have created some good memories. Memories fade but looking through those pictures reminded me that I had good times with people whose company I enjoyed

4.  Caring is sharing. I was blessed to share my life with people who were and some still are important to me. There are pictures with a few people with whom I no longer have a relationship due to falling out; despite that, I can look at those pictures and remember when the relationship was good

5.  A snippet of my life. Those pictures are snippets of good times in my life. We tend to remember the difficulties rather than the pleasure. Those snippets are reminders of pleasurable moments in my life.

6.  God brings people in and out of my life. We tend to forget the people in our lives when things are difficult. We tend to forget the support that surrounds us. Those pictures remind me of the supports I have had throughout the years and sometimes do not realize it. Most of us want to be martyrs by carrying the weight of the world alone. However, when we step back far enough and pull our heads out of our derrieres, then we realize just how many and who God brings into our lives for support. Plus, we see those with whom God has placed us in their lives.

7.  I should not feel unloved. I know that my single never married no children state will at times be a sore spot for me and particularly for others who are uncomfortable with my unmarried status at my age. Feeling Loved is not exclusive to married or coupled people and singleness does not have the exclusive rights to loneliness. Those pictures are a reminder that I was always loved or cared about by someone somewhere (not that I thought I was not).

8.  Acceptance of me. I have difficult personality traits (which I particularly like about me). I am not easy to get close to, I can be very upfront, and I don’t apologize for me. I truly like me. Those pictures show the handful of people who accept all that about me. I am not afraid to be myself around friends. I value the friends who come in and out of my life which make the relationship more authentic and trustworthy. The right compatible people accept you for who you are not who you pretend to be.

The collage picture frame is complete and sitting on my mantle with images of friends and family taken at different points in my life. In the center of the collage that takes a 9×7.5 picture sits my favourite bible passages 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8, 13 – the love chapter. “The greatest of all these is LOVE.” I think we become so wrapped up in the image of love being a husband and wife and forget that God blesses us with love and care from many different people at different point in our lives. I sometimes lose sight of God’s blessings and need to be reminded on occasion with mundane things like organizing years worth of photos in an album.

39-Year-Old Crisis

As I am writing this, it now seems like a funny experience rather than a crisis. Not long ago in the distant past, I somewhat celebrated my 39th birthday. It was low key like all my birthdays and I do what I typically would do… take the day off from work and scheduled a day worth of activities while getting calls, texts and Facebook birthday well-wishes. However, this morning I woke up (thank God) and had a minor 39 year old crisis. OMG I am 39!!!!! I am getting old(er).

So, I got out of bed, looked in the mirror and thought is this what people of a certain age go through? I don’t look 39-I work out and is trying to stave off any excessive weight gain and I don’t have any wrinkles (thanks parents and decent living). While my mind is not taking the senior citizen route, the age numbers are climbing. I literally feel like a 39-year-old in a much younger body (my mirror could be lying or maybe I have early onset cataracts). Should I start dressing differently – more mature? How about my hair? Should I quit wearing my hair in two braids because I am too lazy to find a good hairstyle? LOL…I can’t help laughing at myself as I write this. As a friend of mine would say, this is a first world problem.

What’s my deal about being 39? Well, it’s about life expectations for career then a distant second for relationships. I know…traditionally as a woman my crisis should be all about my terminally single status. Oh well, I guess I am a little different. I woke up this morning thinking that my career life does not match that of my younger self’s dreams or my current age. I really believe that I should be further along in my career pursuit. I asked myself what exactly have I accomplished in my life? The distorted self-defeating mind would say “not much” but the reality is I have done quite a bit with my life. I actually have some tales to tell and wisdom to pass on.

In terms of my marital status – I can explain why that issue takes second place as a crisis (okay a very mild crisis). As a child, my thoughts were never focused on the marital side of life. It has only been since journeying in my 30’s that marriage and family has even been a blip on my radar. So, my current spinster (can’t get a man pathetic single woman) or bachelorette ( hot sexy choose to be single woman) status only made minor contributions to my crisis because it was never a life long dream/desire. I may have to re-evaluate if I start collecting cats as pets.

Could I spruce up my dating life a bit? Sure! I do acknowledge that as I age gracefully I may encounter a slight snag in the long-term relationship department. Apparently, men of my age are looking for women who are a lot little  younger. So, I should expect to get offers (assuming I will ever fully be ready to transition to a MRS degree) from men who range from age 60 and up who are looking for a ‘younger woman.’ Woo hoo!!!!…. I still have a shot at being called a “young woman.”

As a aged woman in crisis, should I start wearing tube tops (hopefully you are old enough to know what that is) and micro mini skirts? Or should I save that for when I am 49? What exactly should the life of a 39 y/o woman look like? Married with kids? Successful career? Traveling the world?  Being a good Christian at church 5 (okay maybe 2 or 3) days out of the week? Am I below the 39 y/o curve? I thought about it and I really don’t have a good answer.

A 39 y/o woman’s life could range from still living with her parents to being a Goodwill UN Ambassador. While society does place ridiculous boundaries on women’s lives, we put the most pressure on ourselves by believing the b.s. So, God blessed me to wake up this morning but I started the day in the first age related panic of my life. While it only lasted for a brief moment, I could not help but think what is my next step? I cannot say that I am totally thrilled with my current career situation and it is certainly not where I envisioned myself at 39. However, I refuse to fall into hysteria (take that Freud!) and make rash decisions but it has motivated me to start pushing a little harder to reach further for my career or at least job satisfaction and breathe new energy into getting out and enjoying the blessings of being alive for 39 years (thanks God).

Unstable and Accepting

Insight and introspection are the greatest gifts to one’s self. Due to certain career training, as I have mentioned in previous posts, I am forced to look inward and become aware of me. Sometimes I do not like what I see. I can have a vengeful heart; I am ready to cut people out of my life in an instant; I am ready to think the worst of people; I am very guarded, and I struggle to forget and most importantly, forgive.

On the other hand, there are lots of things I love about myself. I love my dry no nonsense personality, I love self-discovery, I love my independence and my ability to be resilient. I love that I am smart.  I love the fact that I can be compassionate and giving. While these do not cancel out the negative things, they give me reasons to be thankful to God.

Since I was young, there is one thing I know about myself and it is the excitement of being fluid whether with people, place, or thing. It yells freedom to me. In my adult years, I have come to accept that I can be “unstable.” Being in one place, accustomed to one thing, and routines become old. Even though I have tried to change (maybe somewhat tried), I have accepted that I really need change in my life even if it is small.

Of everyone that I know, unless you are military, most people strive to have consistency in where they live, their jobs, people in their lives and things in their lives. While I do not find that to be boring per say, I do get antsy with the thought of being stuck.

In the recent months, I have moved states, changed jobs, semi-resume my career, and now have a new agenda for my life. For most people, this seem like too much flurry of activities and this can create anxiety. However, for this unstable woman, it’s all a part of my life. The downside to being so unstable is that I lose the comfort of close family and friends. I have to start all over with bonding which is difficult for me. I had also accepted that this unstable view of life was the main reason for never wanting to get married since I was a child. I could not fathom being ‘stuck.’ While I am happy for those who embrace this way of life, at this moment, it does not seem to be written in my stars.

What does this mean for long term relationships. Only God knows 🙂 . Really! only he knows. I have resolved to put relationship issues in God’s hands. While this might seem like a passive way of dealing with my relationship instability, it is the best option on the table. I know and accept that the problem is me. I have been told a number of times that once I find ‘the right person’ then I will change. Meh!! Que sera sera. The only thing I know is that God gave me life and as he continues to bless me with life, then I will continue to live it to the fullest (whatever that maybe for me).

If you are a planner, then plan. If you are a little freer, then go with it responsibly. There are a few things I truly want out of life-to enjoy God’s blessings and give thanks, health of my parents for many years to come, and trustworthy people around me who have my six and I have theirs.

God bless you all and enjoy the life He gave you.


Fifty Shades of Sexually Frustrated Women

Teddy reading 50 Shades
Teddy reading 50 Shades

I will admit to reading all three Fifty Shades books. In my defense, let me explain how that came about. A few years ago, I had heard of the first book but had not payed much attention because I stopped reading romance novels since my late teens. My sister-in-law and I were talking during a shopping trip and she was singing its praises. So, while in the mall, I passed a book store and decided to investigate.

Despite the bad writing, the first few pages whet my appetite because I had never read or thought much about bondage, dominance and sadomasochistic sex. However, by the end of the first book, I skipped a few repetitive pages, was annoyed by the writing, irritated with the childish nature of the female lead, and I became more intrigued about the psychological state of Mr Grey. This curiosity about the genesis of his obsessive compulsive personality disorder ie. super ridged controlling behaviors motivated me to waste money on the next two. After more page skipping and quick browsing, I got what I wanted.

Years later, the books are a movie and the female readers are either excited to see their mental fantasy come to life or disappointed because the chosen cast does not match their fantasy. Most people and the critics make fun that the readership is bored housewives and lonely single women. I would even further clarify that the readership encompasses both single and married non-Christian AND Christian women who could use a little sexual rejuvenation in their nether region.

People do not typically crave what they already have unless they are greedy. Sex and greedy are never synonymous. I also speculate that most of the women who read the trilogy would not entertain BDSM in their normal sex lives. However, it seems that this clamoring for a poorly written fantasy debunks a myth that most women have limited interests in sex and it awaken a dormant desire for women to have good passionate and orgasmically satisfying sex incorporated in their lives.

Sexually explicit books have been around. Years ago during my frequent visits to Barnes and Noble, there were novels in the Psych/Sexuality section for all to browse. This trilogy seem to hit a nerve and women are passively saying we could use a little more action in and out of the bedroom. I wonder if the married women who read the books ever find the courage to open a conversation with their spouses about their sexual wants in the relationship.

For years, women have been solely blamed for the demise of sex in a relationship due to lack of interest but we are learning that there is more to the story than meets the eye.  Take for instance, research is showing that more women are adding porn to their fantasy library. Biologically, it does not take much to get a man up, ready and done; however, women’s sexual engines do need a little more warming up and attention. Men are slowly starting to learn (women should be telling them) that a women’s sexual epicenter does not always reside in the feminine hole.

When people make fun of sexually frustrated women who read fantasy yet has a partner residing in the household, their jest is slightly misplaced. Fantasy from a novel or porn does not satisfy any frustrated woman but it becomes a distraction from the reality of their sexually starving situation. On the other hand, if men can take ownership of their shortcomings in the sex department, then that can go a long way in a relationship. I do agree that a woman who fakes an orgasm misleads the hubby into thinking he had done a good job for both of them. His ignorance will continue to lead to poor satisfaction for her, a deeper indulgence in unrealistic fantasies, and a long stretch of sexual frustration on her part.

Security in Singleness

Yep, I admit it. I am going to be a life long old maid bachelorette and I am not shedding a tear. As I grey in places that shouldn’t have grey hairs , as each year I move closer to the 40’s, as my body struggles to drop the fat it’s holding to for dear life,  and as body parts start to creak and pop when I bend, I realize that I am becoming more and more settled within my lifestyle.

Recently, I was up to my ear in small children, married couples and first time pregnant women. I may have been the only one who noticed that I didn’t belong to either of those groups. I chuckled to myself as people introduced their children and significant other and I wanted to jokingly say “Hi, I am …. and it’s just me.” I refrain from doing it because it might have made the others uncomfortable with my plus 0 status. To make matters more comfortable, the wives were not clutching their husbands in fear that I might lure them away as a single she-devil.

I happily joined into the family centered discussions because despite my old maid bachelorette status I had stuff to say about pregnancy, young children, and marriage topics. I did not feel out-of-place or bothered with my plus 0 . The grass did not look greener on the other side. The grass just simply looked different. I was secure in my status knowing that I was the odd person out in that group dynamics but being aware of it did not change the fact that I  felt secure within myself and what I had to offer to the group. I was relaxed and it resulted in a great time. Would I do it again? Absolutely.

I recognized that many singles in the same situation would have left early, felt very out-of-place and exhibited that behavior, felt bad for themselves, and perhaps swear off groups with 2 or more couples/families involved. Frankly, I don’t have the mental capacity or the energy to get myself in such a depressive tizzy. The self-pitying can only go so far before it becomes a useless tool in the single person survival kit. I was invited to that gathering and I was there to celebrate an occasion for the host; therefore, my self-centeredness was not welcome when there is fun to be had.

So many singles are afraid of such gatherings because they fear they will feel bad. They will be reminded of what they are lacking. However, my view is that there is so much more to life than one’s single status in such situations. I had the opportunity to be around really ‘good people’ and it was a great way to spend a few hours. There is nothing wrong in feeling secure in your singleness because it shows security in oneself.

Slut Shaming for Frank Sex Talk

My most frequently viewed posts are the ones on sex and sexuality. People just can not get enough of the topic in private. However, if you are talking about it in public, then it is a whole different and shameful matter.  I have never shied away from very frank sexual discussions in my blogs or offline. However, there is still shame and a negative view when a woman talks openly, without being pornographic, about sex.

I have no “shame” when it comes to such a topic. I previously worked in behavioral health. The job came with the mandatory ability to talk about any and everything under the sun.  Aspects of my current job has a focus on the sexually transmitted infectious consequences of sex. So, I do not have the luxury of embarrassment.

I made a trip recently over to a fellow blogger, Jess C Scott and ventured to her self published books. http://www.jessink.com/books_genre.htm.  What caught my eye was her Art of Erotic Writing. This gives a distinction between relationship focused sex and pornography. That was the motivator to blog about my slut shaming incidents I encountered in the last few months which came from ‘forever married’ women. Thanks Jess!

First let me start off by giving examples of frank sex talk:

Experience 1: Woman: After having kids, I think I might be loose down there but I am not sure. Me: Well, the best person who would know if anything have changed would be your husband. Why don’t you ask him. Woman: [ Shocked tone] I can’t ask him that. It’s too personal. Me: Okay [end conversation].

Experience 2: Woman: You might think this is weird. My husband wants me to dress up as [Star Wars character]. Me: Oh my gosh, that sounds like a lot of fun. You should do it. I would recommend role play to all married couples. Woman: I am too fat to fit in any costume. Me: Then that’s a good reason to lose weight.

Experience 3: Woman: I don’t know what to get my husband for Christmas. Me: Why don’t you buy something cute for yourself that he would also appreciate. Woman: [in shocked tone and uncomfortable laughter] I have gained so much weight I doubt that would be pleasure for him. Me: [end conversation]

Experience 4: Man: I should never have married my ex-wife…. Me: So why did you stay with her that long, was the sex that good? Man: [without skipping a heart beat] Yes, it was very good. Me: There’s the reason why you stayed so long.

In my experience, frank sex talk is more problematic with most women than with men. Women, including the married ones, become overly embarrassed. There in lies my problem as to why I was slut shamed. On three different occasions two married women, out of the blue, insinuated that I engage in one night stands. I deduced that the precursor to this assumption was because I can engage in general sexual talk like my male counterparts. Or was it because I said I would love to be an apprentice to Dr Ruth or the fact that I can talk sex without giggling like a school girl and becoming ridiculously embarrassed or maybe it’s because I am a single woman in her 30’s therefore I must be f****** around. Are you getting my annoyance?

Most women and some idiotic men immediately associate frank sex talk with promiscuity. At no time did I ever give any of these women details that would suggest I engaged in one night stands, friends with benefit, or any such frivolous sexual encounters. These women stated that they don’t believe in such things yet they assumed I do.  Why? because I am older and single? I had very clearly stated in their presence (when a drunk acquaintance suggested I go back to his place and wake up next to him so we can have sex when he is sober) that I believe in monogamous long term relationship sex.  What part of that statement was confusing? Wait, it had nothing to do with the statement but that I am an older single woman.

On the other hand, when the men say very explicit things, the women did not bat an eye or made any related judgements. It’s apparent that the single woman has to be the one ‘about town’. Obviously, it is written somewhere that all single women who can hold an adult conversation related to sex has an amoral freedom with their bodies. Is it that we are all like Samantha from Sex and the City? [For those who never watched the cable show, Samantha’s character had very frank and sometimes extremely explicit talks about sex and she had the most sex with almost any man, anywhere and anytime].  It never occurred to these married women that their inappropriate suggestion was insulting and extremely demeaning.

I expect adults to have grown up conversations; however, it is not that way when it comes to sex. Sex and sexuality topics seem to revert the adult mind to that of a moronic adolescent. Many adults equate sexuality with pornography and therefore a certain level of shame. Heaven forbid that a single woman should be so open in that discussion. It appears that in order for a woman to understand sex and her own sexuality it means there is something deviant about her. So, be warned single women, some married people may be looking at you as horny promiscuous nymphos.

The fear of frank sex talk extends amongst the educated too:

Experience 1: I was sitting in a hospital cafeteria with female coworkers, when someone asked if anyone watched the cable show, Masters of Sex. I  saw a few episodes and thought it was interesting.  While explaining to the rest of my coworkers that the series is based on two pioneers in the field of sexuality and their research information is still used to day, I gave an example from one episode.  I informed them that the stages of arousal came from their research. A married nurse with grown children  who was sitting at the table started to laugh nervously, looked around the room, and spoke in a quiet tone that “Dr X was sitting at the next table.” My first thoughts: If Dr X gets embarrassed by our topic, then he has no business being a doctor.  My second thoughts: Even health professionals are embarrassed to talk about a natural human behavior.

Experience 2:  A group of adults were talking when a woman stated that her husband likes a particular underwear. A married mother and social worker immediately exclaim a bit irritated, “No no we are not going to have this conversation.” Then a guy in the group loudly proclaims, “I go commando and I like to be free.” This received lots of laughter however, no protest from the social worker.

Can you count how many times I used the word sex? Did it freak anyone out? Is this post now listed as pornographic material? Am I totally sex obsessed and need extensive prayer to cleanse my mind and soul? Think about this  sex, penis, and vagina maybe the words with the most euphemisms because adults are too embarrassed to say them. However, they are so much a natural part of us and will continue to be that way whether we are embarrassed or not.

Final note on this single woman slut shaming. I will not accept slut shaming from anyone. I will not change the fact that I think it’s important to talk openly about sex. I will still admire Dr Ruth. I will never hide my sexuality focused books that has a place on my bookshelf for any adult to read and I will always find sex and sexuality a very stimulating subject [PUN INTENDED].

A Single’s Take on Marriage Problems

I can already hear the snarky comments that a single person has no place telling any married couple how to maintain their relationship. I find that to be an interesting view because the premise is that an individual must have some experience with marriage before being able to speak on the topic. While that may be true for some things, it’s not true for all things.

If experience was the best precursor to sound advice, then couples would learn their mistakes through years of being married and therefore eliminate divorces. It would also imply that all second (and subsequent) marriages would be successful. There would be no need for marriage therapists or marriage seminars. If we are following that logic, then I might even extrapolate and say Jesus had no business talking about sin when he never sinned and the disciples should have kept all their heavenly advice to themselves because they never went to heaven.

What prompted this single to make blatant remarks about married relationships? An acquaintance on Facebook made a post that was so important I had to repeat it. Let me give you some background about this woman. She is married to a career military man, they have been married for forever, have 6 (I think) children who ranges from early 20’s to a 3 or 4 years old. She works and is taking classes as well. She even finds the time to ride her motorcycle with her hubby.  Yep! she is one busy bee. I will paraphrase her post. She posted that her and her hubby made a room reservation and spent some much needed time away from their children  in order to focus on each other and strengthen their relationship.

What’s so unique about that? Well, many married women have made their entire lives about their children whilst neglecting their partners. The more the neglect of a partner the greater the divide which can lead to a couple being so out of sync with each other and subsequently destroys a good relationship. In marriage, you make priority for what is important. Many women who are mothers have a misconception that their child(ren) is the center of their universe. If you are not one of those women, then you have certainly met at least one. They believe that childbirth and being a mother is the greatest accomplishment known to human kind and that this one aspect of their lives should be their every waking moment focus.

Marriage therapists and pastors will reiterate that there should be a horizontal line firmly connecting the spouses and a vertical line to link them to their  children. There is never a time under the sun when a child should take the place of the spouse. The relationship between the husband and wife is the glue for the family. The stronger the relationship the stronger the family. The husband and wife’s relationship is the foundation on which a couple build. It’s  equivalent to building a house on a rock (solid foundation) and when all the pressures of children and life sits on top of that foundation then its strength will determine whether the house will stand or fall.

Kids are cute little parasites. Kids need attention because they are small, weak, helpless, annoying, always present, selfish, demanding, fragile, clueless, and most importantly it is a parent’s job to attend to all their needs. I get the value of a child because I was also one of three little parasite to my parents. (FYI- Parents have survived us and they are still married 38 yrs later). When two people who were previously single are put into the parent situation, they tend to lose focus on almost everything outside of the child(ren). They forget their own needs and also forget their spouses. Ever so slowly, this cute helpless extension of yourself sits in the middle of the marriage relationship and becomes a permanent fixture in that position. In order to connect, the couple (woman) needs to physically and psychologically move the child who has become a barrier.

Let’s talk barriers single and married ladies. Kids are not the only barriers. As women, our dislike for our not-so-perfect bodies and low self-esteem can become an ever present elephant in a relationship. A married woman recently told me that she had refused sex with her hubby early in their marriage because she did not like her body.  A divorced man stated after his ex-wife gave birth, their intimacy ended because she did not like her postpartum body (pregnancy and birth can ruin a woman’s body). If a married person cannot turn their spouse when s/he is needed, then the relationship has fallen through the cracks.

There are common sense things that ever single person and married person (who was once single) should know. Note that I said should not does. Someone told me that common sense is not always common.  A single person who intends to be married should make it his/her priority to know as much about the responsibilities of being married. Marriage is not a unique phenomena. It is two single people coming together to share their lives. However, instead, marriage seem to be about two single people sharing the same space but having single lives. Singles, pay attention to the married people in your lives. What is it about their marriage that you admire or dislike? It’s better to get an understanding of expectations when one is single than after and  become overwhelmed by the common sense situation life throws at you.

What else does this single notice? Communication is severely lacking in many marital relationship. Why? because it was missing when both people were still single. Marriage therapists have asked this question to every couple sitting in their offices “Have you talked to your (husband/wife) about how you feel?” Again, common sense all married couple should know. How the hell will your spouse know how you feel or what you are thinking if you don’t say something? How? How? Couples will talk to their friends more than their spouses and heaven forbid the preposterous idea that the individual should talk to the spouse. Do you know where that behavior starts? Yep, you guessed it, it starts when we are single. “I can’t talk to him about something like that” or “I just can’t talk to her at all.” Sounds familiar single and married people?

Complacency is the death of many relationships. Congratulations you have bagged your prize now let’s sit back and do nothing. I once read a comment from a woman who was married for over 20 years that she still missed her husband when he walks out the door and feels excitement when he comes home.  I have heard and seen one too many married people who do not think it’s their job anymore to make an effort to spice up the relationship. “We are just an old married couple.” “We have been married too long for that….” “Been there and done that why even bother.”  Oh and don’t even talk about sex. I once said to a friend, “I don’t understand you married people. You have convenient access to sex, access to immediate support, assistance and all the good stuff that comes with being married but you don’t use it.”

I find myself being the only single amongst a group of people. This does not bother me at all unless they decided to all make out with their spouses. Luckily, I tend to associate with mature and respectful couples. This group dynamic is not by choice but by demographics. The older you are the more likely the people around you are going to be married. This gives every single a first hand view of marital relationships. When the brave married person starts to talk about their marriage, I ask questions because I am curious. I have learned things and others makes me scratch my head. I always pay attention to couples who are reflective in their relationship and are willing to talk about the ‘what they would do differently’ or ‘what they are glad they did.’

I truly believe that married couples can learn from singles observation. Your single friends are sitting on the outside and they have a broader view. The couple is in the trenches and they typically take a egocentric view without being able to see the big picture. It does not take a another married person to see that something is good or ‘off’ in your relationship. It takes a person who knows you and has your best interest at heart to give you a warning that something may not be right in your marriage. It is now up to you to do your own assessment and act accordingly to strengthen your marriage relationship.

The Virtuous Man

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The average Christian who have been around Christendom for sometime should have heard a pastor’s speech on the virtuous woman. In case you were out that day, the Virtuous Woman’s description is laid out in Proverbs 31: 10-31. Yeah! almost a whole chapter dedicated to what a good religious woman should be.  No, this is not sarcasm. If you read those verses, it describes a kind, smart, industrious, faithful, thoughtful and strong woman. She is the kind of woman I would pray to be (there is still quite a bit of work to be done on me). A man who finds a woman like that has found someone “…far above rubies.” vs 10.

While it’s all good and well that we have a laundry list of what to be, I often wonder what a Virtuous Man’s characteristics should entail. Let’s transition now  to the  male counterpart of this virtuous woman. Let’s dig through the bible for the virtuous man. In 1 Timothy 3 1:13 it outlined a few things that are for men who want to be in religious office but could easily be for any man. So let me take some time to flush out a few qualities the bible has suggested of a quality virtuous man.

A virtuous man should have one wife. Doesn’t every woman want a man who has only one wife/one girlfriend/one fiance/one love interest/one sex partner who should be you? In this day and age, the men are reverting back to the practice of the old testament in which they juggled a few women at a time. A virtuous man will not have a #1 (because this suggest a number #2) but have a one and only.

A man should be sober. Now this is a little tricky. Man culture seems to encourage a drunken state during any and all social gatherings. It is almost a rite of passage for men to drink until their speech are slurred. While I have nothing against social drinking, it would be nice to have a Virtuous man who knows when it’s time to stop.

A virtuous man can be patient.  We women can definitely test a man’s patience. It’s written in our DNA 🙂 So wouldn’t it be nice when it’s that time of the month, the fight with the best girlfriend, picking a romantic kissy-face movie, and being flustered about ‘does this dress make me look fat’, that the Virtuous man knows how to go with the flow instead of running for cover?

A virtuous man should be able  to appreciate you daily. Solomon (ironically he had a 1000 women) had a way with words that could make any seasoned woman blush (chp 4). Wouldn’t it be nice if the Virtuous man can expressed in modern-day language that “thou hast ravished my heart,… my spouse (vs 9). How much better is thy love than wine!” (vs 10) on days that are not Valentines, Birthday, Anniversary, Christmas and after any life changing trauma?

Let’s discuss some more traits that are practical for the 21st century. A virtuous man should be financially prudent. “Bling” “image” “living large” are all common place words today. Some men are so focused on their car, buying expensive items, and  the 50+ inch tv to fit their mancave but are behind on paying their bills and are deeply in debt. A virtuous man needs to handle his finances wisely (can we say credit report and credit score before any legal matrimony).

A virtuous man should know how to take care of himself. Back in the day, it was not a man’s job to learn how to cook, clean up after himself, and to be a fully involved parent. In this day of gender liberation, too many men are either looking for women who can be a surrogate mother, a maid, a nanny or a combination of all three. I understand that there are some women who want to play these roles (good for you!); however, an adult male over the age of 25 who has moved out of his mother’s home should be able to care for himself and his own place.Think about this – A mentally or physically handicap person is considered semi/independent when s/he can demonstrate self-care and daily life skills.  For the average man, this too should be a requirement. Too many men are reliant on women to care of them while they are not taking the interest to return the favor such as cook a meal, wash the dishes, do the laundry, and maintain a home. It may seem funny when a woman has to be away that she must color code the pre-cooked food in Tupperware and  leave specific instructions on what to do to keep the home running; but it shows a very obvious deficit in the capability of the man. The issue is if you need to be taken care of due to illness etc, then he is clueless. The other option would be to get involve with a man who has enough money to pay for a surrogate mother, maid and nanny if you should ever be out of commission. (Yep! this is my pet peeve).

A virtuous man needs to learn the power of communication. Strong and silent equals divorce and dysfunctional relationships. While I enjoy John Wayne and Arnold S who are men of action but with few words, in real life, communication makes the relationship stronger. Silence shows weakness not strength.

A virtuous man knows exactly what he wants. The growing issue of men being confused about what they want before they initiate a relationship is quite baffling.  It’s like ordering a meal and then wavering whether you want to eat or not. A virtuous man will understand that a woman is not for his immediate pleasure and she is not something to be tossed later. A virtuous man will know that he is ready and then engage or he knows that he is not ready and says so respectfully (communication) or not initiate.

A virtuous man will understand what he has to offer. A virtuous man will know that he brings more to the table than a paycheck and his penis. He will know his self-worth, his strengths, his weaknesses, his morals, and has a clear enough direction about where he would like his life to go and work towards that as much as possible.

Women are always  under pressure to be one thing or another. It is about time that we hold men to a standard above barest minimum. We choose our partners ; therefore, the character of our mate is also a reflection of our character.  What other traits did I fail to mention?